Death, Taxes, And Peter King’s F–ktardery
You’ve had a rough couple of weeks. The economy is in the toilet. You fear for your job. You may have lost a significant portion of your savings. You’re not even sure the ATM will give you money the next time you go. You were gonna go out to dinner this weekend, but you decided to scale back, lest you find yourself out of money very soon down the road.
In times like these, there’s only one thing that all of us can rely on, and that is Peter King’s endless, stupefying inanity:
Sometimes when you’re parenting, you tell your kids, “Oh, everything’s fine. Don’t worry. Everything’s fine.” You don’t really believe it, but you figure it’s what you’ve got to say sometimes.
“No, sweetie. That rugged, gorgeous man you saw in Daddy’s bedroom was just his friend. We were just doing a cancer check on each other, because that’s what friends do. Daddy still loves Mommy. It’s just that, sometimes Mommy doesn’t like all the things Daddy likes, like pulling chains out of his ass.”
9. San Diego (3-3). Fairly predictable result last night. Chargers have a quarterback you can trust. Patriots don’t. Doesn’t Philip Rivers throw a beautiful deep ball?
He sure does. Look at it! It’s so wobbly, and underthrown! Look at how Vincent Jackson has to violently turn his body just to get into position to catch it! God, a thing of beauty. Like a butterfly with vertigo.
17. (tie) Green Bay (3-3). The thing I liked most about the win at Seattle was Aaron Rodgers playing well, almost Favrian, with a bum shoulder.
ZOMG! He played HURT! That is such a trademark Favre move!
f. You can’t bury Jeff Garcia. You can only hope to contain him.
And Matt Ryan is cooler than the other side of the plane ticket!
f. Aaron Kampman defines the phrase “great motor.”
Just to reiterate, that is the second (f) subset King used this week. I imagine King was a big fan of outlining term papers back in his days at Ohio U.
I. Paul Brown: God, what a man.
a. Wore nice suits
b. Looked very stern
i. Not a big fidgeter
ii. Smiled infrequently
1. Like, never
a. I’m not sure he’d get along with Tony Romo
i. Romo is a great smiler
As for the Kampman comment itself, it follows King’s patented commenting recipe, now adapted by 10 out of 10 NFL studio analysts!
1. Take player.
2. Take very broad generalization that doesn’t require watching the player for more than 3 seconds
3. Employ overused metaphor, preferably related to war or cars.
4. Combine into single, idiotic sentence.
Like so!
-Peyton Manning defines the word “trooper”.
-The Saints are what we like to call a “high-octane” offense.
-Brett Favre is just like an old Cadillac!
-Two words on the Browns last night: AERIAL ASSAULT.
10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:
a. Joe Maddon. Spencer Tracy.
B. Play baseball, Manny.
Those are not non-football thoughts. Those are non-thoughts. Hey Manny, stop playing jai alai, you bastard!
So you see. Life isn’t so bad. No matter how bleak things may look, take comfort in knowing that you aren’t football’s equivalent of Billy Bush.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, easy targets, FJM style, peter king
October 14th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Peter King has advanced to the level where instead of assigning grades of retardedness to him, shouldn’t we be assigning grades of Peter King to other retards?
If we let retards evolve for a million years, I’m pretty sure the end result is Peter King.
October 14th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I’m just glad that you didn’t use the “other” PK photo.
/trying really, reaallllyyy hard to not utter the word “cl-e—”….I SAID DON’T UTTER!
October 14th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
PK on Dan Patrick yesterday: ” I really like Matt Ryan. He wore a suit when I met him at 10pm. I didn’t even have a suit on. Very professional.” (paraphrasing)
Gee PK, fellate on Matt much before? Just getting going? And you are a messy and not wearing suit kind of guy.
October 14th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Like a butterfly with vertigo.
Finally, the definitive description of a Phillip Rivers pass.
October 14th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Where’s Biff?
October 14th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Then, for the 89th straight year, Pats and Colts play on the first Sunday of Sweeps Month (November, for all you non-TV-o-philes)
Yeah, fuck those guys.
October 14th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
d. Coffeenerdness: You’re a coffee store, Starbucks, not a deli. The sandwich-related delays are maddening.
d.1 Makers of Myoplex: If I wanted to see a shirtless Brady Quinn, I would stroll down to the Browns locker room. I don’t pay for cable just to see guys like Quinn naked from the waste up.
October 14th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
mister m
/random, slightly altered arrested development reference
October 14th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Rivers throws a pass with the arc and intensity that I do when I am throwing away a dryer sheet
October 14th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Who is Frank Caliendo impersonating in this pic?
October 14th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
DREW! You forgot about this gem
“How about this for strategy? Midway through the fourth quarter at Washington, with the Rams up 16-10, Haslett went to his offense and told them: Guys, the defense is really tired right now. Washington’s going to score. You’ve got to go out there and take the ball downfield and score. “They’re all looking at me like, ‘Are you crazy?’ ”
PK thought this was the most innovative and unorthodox way to win a football game. By taking the ball downfield and scoring. Ole Jim Haslett really turned the NFL on its side on Sunday.
I’m sure for his wrap up at the the end of the season Haslett will be PK’s choice for coach of the year for “the gutsy 4th quarter strategy he thought up against Washington to get the Rams their first win of the season”
Jackass
October 14th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Note to PK: Shut the fuck up, or we’ll plaster your daughters picture all over Times Square.
October 14th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
“They’re all looking at me like, ‘Are you crazy?’ ”
“But we suck!”
October 14th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
“Guys, the defense is really tired right now. Washington’s going to score. You’ve got to go out there and take the ball downfield and score.”
Defensive coordinator by trade, head coach by birth.
October 14th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
“. . . ‘the gutsy 4th quarter strategy he thought up against Washington to get the Rams their only win of the season’”
Fixed.
October 14th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
“Guys, the defense is really tired right now. Washington’s going to score. You’ve got to go out there and take the ball downfield and score. Or else I’ll trade for Brady Quinn and tell him his job is to help lather you guys up in the shower and attend to any groin related injuries.”
/paraphrasing, of course.
October 14th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
No Manny, don’t play baseball.
/Phillies fan
October 14th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Peter King is clearly not afraid to go full retard.
RE I. Paul Brown: God, what a man.
a. Wore nice suits
b. Looked very stern
i. Not a big fidgeter
ii. Smiled infrequently
1. Like, never
a. I’m not sure he’d get along with Tony Romo
i. Romo is a great smiler
Help me, Jebus, I’ve seen shit like this in nearly every single PowerPoint I’ve had the misfortune to witness. What the fuck happened to expressing a thought in full sentences, or even several thoughts in the same sentence? Just because PowerPoint makes it easy for you to communicate as if you have a learning disability doesn’t mean you should.
October 14th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
BDD, I don’t know what they taught you in prep school, but everybody knows when you write an outline, if you have a “1,” you must have a point “2.” Likewise, a point “a” requires at least a point “b.”
/yes, my methods students hate my guts
October 14th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
@Spatula: I’ve never written an outline of any kind. That should be extremely obvious to you.
Outlines are gay.
October 14th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
@ Miles
“Note to PK: Shut the fuck up, or we’ll plaster your daughters picture all over Times Square.”
Never having seen them, why do I get the feeling his daughters are fat and talk too much?
Imagine marrying into THAT family.
October 14th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
@ nince veil – what do you think is keeping favre and king apart?
October 15th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
A Jai Alai reference on KSK. Dammit now I’ve read everything. No need to continue my vision quest.