Dead Relatives Are Watching You Jack It: The KSK Fantasy Football/Sex Advice Mailbag
Yesterday we solicited questions for our first ever fantasy advice/sex advice mailbag, and you folks came through spectacularly. In fact, it appears that’s about the only time you folks come spectacularly. Our readership seems to have constant problems both winning their fantasy leagues and bringing their women to orgasm. JUST LIKE US! Who would have guessed?
Well, fear not. We’re all in this together. I can’t promise you that we’ll be able to solve your problems in the bedroom, or on the fantasy gridiron. But we WILL be able to publicly and cruelly mock you for your sexual inadequacies and low fantasy IQ. And isn’t that really what this mailbag should be all about? I think so.
Let’s get right to questions. Bonus points went to the readers whose questions appeared to be sincere. If you want to be in next week’s fantasy/sex mailbag, email us here. Now, let’s feel up your inquiries.
A kid that went to my high school once ate out a particularly trashy girl and claimed to have gotten a yeast infection in his mouth. Is this possible?
-Jeff V.
PS – What’s with LT?
The answer to this question is a resounding YES. Tongue bathing a bad clam can give you a nasty case of what is known as “oral thrush”. This is the oral form of a yeastie, and not a talkative bird of some sort. According to this site, symptoms of oral thrush include:
-White or cream colored spots, sometimes yellow
-Blisters
-Painful when swallowing food
-Bad breath
-Burning sensation in their throat or mouth
Hmm. Bad breath? Disgusting pustules? Someone alert Len Pasquarelli!
As for LT, he’s had to play to two East Coast early games in the past three weeks, with a tough Buffalo team in between. I’d expect him to bounce back on Sunday against the Saints. Speaking of the Saints, if Reggie Bush doesn’t have oral thrush by now after dating Kim Kardashian this long, then I’ll eat my own underpants.
KSK,
I’d like to propose an idea to my wife, but I’m not sure how to present it.
I’d like to have sex with her based on how my fantasy team performed. For example, if my team comes from behind in the Monday Night game, as I did this week based on Matt Cassell’s touchdown passes, then I’d like to give it to my wife from behind.
If my team performs half-assedly, like they did two weeks ago, led by Steve Slaton’s inspiring 58 yard day, then I’d like to fumble around in bed with her for about ten minutes in awkward rhythms, never really getting into the groove, then quit early.
Or, if my fantasy team dominates, I’d like her to really, really tear me up. How do I present this idea to her? Also, should I start Thomas Jones or Willis McGahee this week?
Thank you.
-Aaron S.
I wouldn’t bring it up to her. I’d just start acting accordingly in the sack and let her discover the connection. Also, if your fantasy team wins a really, really tight game, you get to bring up the idea of nasal to her.
As for Jones vs. McGahee, did you see what the Titans did to KC last week? Jones in a landslide. Hope you like the reverse cowgirl.
I traded Peyton Manning for Laurence Maroney. Is that why I’m 2-5?
-Mark E.
I think that’s probably part of it, yes.
I’ve been seeing this girl who has a delightful penchant for morning sex. Most guys would never find fault with this; however, recently I was roused from my Saturday evening stupor by the playful pawing of my lady-friend. Only after we were fully in the throes did I realize that it was rapidly approaching noon, and I had yet to double-check my fantasy lineup for the week. Of course, a ‘questionable’ Steven Jackson has a monster day against Dallas on my bench. Any thoughts on how I can prevent this type of situation from happening again? Because I sure as hell am not turning down the sex.
Also, who’s a better bye-week fill-in this week, Dominic Rhodes or Cedric Benson?
-Los Nosotros RealM
We had a couple questions from readers about how to prioritize sex over lineup setting on a Sunday morning. I suggest you get an alarm clock. There’s no reason you can’t have time for both. Unless you’re one of these Sting-type assholes that does the whole tantric thing. “Say lady, wouldn’t it be great if it took us hours to achieve climax? And if I developed severe cramping in my quadriceps midway through?” Idiots. Get your business done in timely fashion and the rest of the day is yours, people.
Lately the wife has been giving me the “I don’t like when you ask for it” line saying that I ask for it too much. Now I’m not a greedy man but it would be my preference to have “just woke up sex” and “right before sleep sex “at least everyday. Is that really too much of a request for me to reach my half of marital bliss?
Waiting to know what you guys think!
-In need
UFFORD SAYS: You’re married and you still want to have sex with your wife twice a day? Brother, your marriage is way better than most.
DREW SAYS: No way this guy has been married for longer than a month. Sex twice a day? Sure, buddy. Maybe if your wife’s name is Althea Flynt.
I’ve noticed that everytime I get a staph infection in my balls, the Browns say I’m “all potatoes and no meat.” Do I need a temporary penis enlargement to obtain optimum visual package balance?
-K-Win
You’d need a cock the size of a bouche de noel to match those coconut balls, soldier boy.
If a girl is willing to give you a blumpkin, should you stick with her because of the edgy foreplay, or should you shy away due to her liking of the smell of feces?
Lastly, should I pick up Kregg Lumpkin, though on the IR for my dynasty league?
Thanks for the sex/fantasy help,
-Danny
I’ll give anyone a blumpkin if they can produce for me a girl who’s actually willing to perform a blumpkin.
And no. Never pick up anyone on IR for a dynasty league until the very last weeks of the season. Especially Kregg fucking Lumpkin, of all people.
Ok, my question involves both subjects. My girlfriend really likes to give me head when I am selecting my fantasy roster for the week and last week I came while picking up Jeff Garcia off the waiver wire? Does this make me gay?
-Dandy
Sure does!
This year I convinced my girlfriend to join our apartment building’s Fantasy League. By luck, she got the first pick of the draft and selected, in order, Tom Brady, Clinton Portis, Anquan Boldin, and the Steelers D. She’s become very competitive about all this, and obviously is pissed about all the bullshit injuries. She’s trying to swing a trade for Aaron Rodgers, who’s starting in favor of Kurt Warner. She’s offering Ronnie Brown and “the ass.”
Question: Is “the ass” worth losing A-Rodg and having to start Rev. Warner? A follow up: Should I e-mail Kurt Warner about this?
-”The Purple Jesus (in my pants)”
UFFORD SAYS: Oh, absolutely. The drop-off from Rodgers to Warner is negligible if you gain Ronnie in the WR/RB slot and a tight sphincter gripping your cock.
DREW SAYS: If she’s giving you Rodgers for Ronnie Brown, she’s really getting fucked in the ass twice over, isn’t she? Take the ass, big time.
My questions are as follows:
My girlfriend is six months pregnant, and has lost all interest in me sexually. She says she wants nothing to do with me. She says she is going to move back in with her parents to raise our child, and that she has nothing but contempt for me.
More importantly, I have a flex option conundrum in front of me this weekend. At running back I have Jonathan Stewart, Dominic Rhodes, Derrick Ward, and Maurice Jones-Drew. At wideout I have DeSean Jackson,Marques Colston, Muhsin Muhmmad, Chad Johnson, and Marvin Harrison. From this list of mongoloids and fantasy disappointments, I can’t figure out who to start. I have five spots and nine colossal fantasy fuckups, on a 2-5 team whose 2nd round draft pick was Tom Brady, may he rot in yuppie hell. Help me. I have lost my dignity as a man, but I cannot lose it as a fantasy manager.
Your advice on either of these situations would be appreciated. Fuck my life.
-Ryan
p.s. – the real bitch of all this is that I’m a Browns fan. Shit on my world.
Holy shit, this was the saddest email we’ve ever received. It’s such a harrowing tale, that I’m willing to answer his incredibly byzantine roster question.
I say start Rhodes and MJD at RB. Then go with Colston, Jackson, and Muhammad at WR and FLEX. Ocho is toast. Harrison’s got the Titans. And your other two backs are platoon guys in a 60/40 rotation.
The first response to your pregnant girlfriend leaving would have to be, “Christ, that’s fucking cold.” But the real question is, WHY does she have nothing but contempt for you? I mean, you HAD to do something to get her that fucking pissed. Right? There’s gotta be more to this. You had to have been caught cheating with her midwife, perhaps while using her birthing ball to as a sexual prop.
Women just don’t ignite like that, except for 80% of them. All we at KSK can suggest is that you keep your head up. You still have better prospects than the Browns, at the very least.
Two questions for you gentlemen:
1. Fantasy: I just proposed a trade of LaVizio Toelinson and Braylon Edwards for Michael Turner. Should I have included more?
2. Sex: Do my dead relatives/ancestors watch me jack it?
-George R.
1. No.
2. PUNTER SAYS: Jesus loves you and wants you to blast it in your hand.
DREW SAYS: Agreed. I think the idea of my dead pilgrim ancestors checking out my handiwork would prove an even bigger turn-on.
Dear KSK,
I have LDT, MoJo Drew and Matt Forte in a league that only starts 2 running backs. Which one should I try to trade to bolster my depth at WR? Also, got any great ideas for things to do on a first date, preferably something leading to summary fucking?
-Sam
Definitely not Forte. I’d say MJD, because he’s the platoon back there. No way you trade LT2 for anything less than someone like Jennings or Wayne, with someone else added as a kicker.
And I’d try cooking for your date. Never fails.
Should I wish for Marvin Harrison to be sodomized with a barbwire-wrapped 2×4 or one of his German semi-automatic weapons? That fucking fuck only catches a goddamned touchdown when I sit his narrow ass on the bench.
-Billy
Gotta go with the barbed wire 2×4. That makes for good hollowing.
Wanna be in next week’s mailbag? Don’t forget to email. Until next time, always remember: buy low, fuck high.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, ksk fantasy sex advice mailbag, mean pregnant ladyfriends, we have the bestest readers on the interwebs, yup these are our perverts
October 23rd, 2008 at 2:59 pm
my buddy had a yeast infection in his mouth but the best part of the story is that his dad diagnosed it. His dad is a gynocologist.
/true story
October 23rd, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Already, you’re giving “Savage Love” a run for its money.
October 23rd, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Best new recurring piece on the interwebs.
The Jeff Garcia Gay joke forced me to step out of the office I was laughing so hard. FUCKING FAGGOT!
October 23rd, 2008 at 3:19 pm
First, it’s Bûche de Noël, and it’s delicious, and +1 for calling out my favorite Christmas dinner dessert.
Second, if you really want a blumpkin, just let her pop a finger or two up there and work your prostate while you’re getting blown, ’cause that achieves the same effect without completely destroying the dignity of everyone involved. Just partially destroys it.
October 23rd, 2008 at 3:23 pm
You’re married and you still want to have sex with your wife twice a day?
I just assumed he typed “day” when he meant “month.”
October 23rd, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Clare, you’ll make a fine wife someday.
“Now I’m not a greedy man but it would be my preference to have “just woke up sex” and “right before sleep sex “at least everyday.”
this guy obviously doesn’t have any kids
October 23rd, 2008 at 3:28 pm
That nasal suggestion really snuck up on me. Some drool escaped while I lost it.
October 23rd, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Great escalation effect here. I don’t know if it was planned or not, but each story captivated me more and more until climax at the pregnant girlfriend who wants nothing to do with you/flex roster conundrum.
October 23rd, 2008 at 3:31 pm
2. PUNTER SAYS: Jesus loves you and wants you to blast it in your hand.
geez Punte, that’s just wrong…
October 23rd, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Clare, please trim your fingernails before your next date.
October 23rd, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Anal sex for Aaron Rodgers? There’s a metaphor in there somewhere
October 23rd, 2008 at 3:40 pm
<i.if you really want a blumpkin – DO NOT WANT
ryan’s e-mail was pretty depressing. i want follow-ups on how that all plays out, as a reminder of how good i have it.
October 23rd, 2008 at 3:41 pm
it would have to be recurring anal for rodgers, not just a one time deal.
October 23rd, 2008 at 3:41 pm
UFFORD SAYS: Oh, absolutely. The drop-off from Rodgers to Warner is negligible if you gain Ronnie in the WR/RB slot and a tight sphincter gripping your cock.
DREW SAYS: If she’s giving you Rodgers for Ronnie Brown, she’s really getting fucked in the ass twice over, isn’t she? Take the ass, big time.
You just can’t put a price on that type of analysis…. Matthew Berry and the douches on Yahoo Sports can go get fucked, because they’re sure as hell not competing with that…
October 23rd, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Whoa, that dAndy fucker has got some major issues!!! I am sure am glad I am not the only dAndy that comments here on KSK.
As for the cooking on the first date I would like some recommendations for the menu. Do you go extravagant with something like a chip and salsa whoredeovary and then kick the main course with some brats or just keep it simple and classy and go with something like grilled cheese with a side of ramen noodles? Inquiring mind wants to know.
October 23rd, 2008 at 3:45 pm
I don’t know about the cooking for the date idea. I’m married now and that works on the wife, but for a date I figure the best bet would be taking her to the best steakhouse in town and keeping plenty of wine in her glass. She’ll at least pay you back for the meal, right?
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:08 pm
fuck and no, tried that. what a bitch. must have been my oral yeastie from the week before.
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Sorry, we can’t all live up to the high standards set by the minute men of the KSK gay mafia.
But seriously, Rhodes or Benson this week?
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:11 pm
UFFORD SAYS: You’re married and you still want to have sex with your wife twice a day? Brother, your marriage is way better than most.
This is the truest thing I’ve read online all day.
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:13 pm
@dAndy: Cooking always beats taking a lady out to dinner because it means you made an effort and shit. Try this recipe.
Or buy some nice ravioli and put some Rao’s sauce on it.
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:14 pm
@Nosotros: Rhodes
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Making your own sauce from scratch can make you look awesome too. something simple and easy and awesome. like pesto. garlic basil pinenuts and olive oil in the foodpro with a little salt and pepper and you’ve got your self a delicious sauce in like less time than it takes to open and pour out a jarred sauce.
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Fuck that – I cooked for my date last night, and all I got was making out for 2 hours afterwards. She wants to be “good” and not seem like a horny slut by fucking me on the first date.
*sigh*
women
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:23 pm
To add – my dinner was homemade meatballs and sauce. Yes, I’ve been using “balls” jokes for 2 days now.
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:26 pm
spaghetti and blueballs?
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Sex between married people? Twice in a day? We did it twice last week, and we’re still tired.
Also, cooking for a date is definitely a ticket to bust-a-nut town.
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Anal sex for Aaron Rodgers?
What’ll the commission say when that trade goes through? Isn’t that a little collusional?
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:33 pm
“You’re married and you still want to have sex with your wife twice a day? Brother, your marriage is way better than most.”
I’m married and I still have sex twice a day. And sometimes my wife is there too.
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:36 pm
That shit looks good Drew.
@ TPS: The best technique I know for banging it out first date is when you get to that make out part you be the one to stop. Then kind of slow play it from there and act like you don’t think it would be right for you to fuck like gerbils the 1st night because then if things do work out between you then the intial parts of the relationship may be based strictly on sex which could prevent you two from really getting to know each other. Works like a champ baby!
/why the fuck is this turning into real advice
/my best cook for a bitch recipe is parmesean and bread crumb crusted cube steak fried in EVOO along with a garlic and butter chunky mashed new potatoes…..schawing batter!
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:36 pm
+1 AM
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:37 pm
@Lupica
She would have just offered good ol’ fashioned vaginal sex but that would have ben unfair to the other vaginaless participants who wouldn’t be able to match the offer. Plus she’s a total slut.
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Nice recipe, Drew.
One question: Does the “1/2 pound turkey sausage, casing removed” provide a guarantee of condom-free sex?
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:45 pm
I gotta hope the ancestral spirits have better viewing options than to watch me spanking it.
One question, though: If they can see me beating off, can they see the scenarios that play in my head as I’m doing it? That could cause a whole lotta trouble. The ancestors of the barmaid I’ve been jerkin’ it to lately wouldn’t like the way I’ve treated their girl.
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:52 pm
I think the idea of my dead pilgrim ancestors checking out my handiwork would prove an even bigger turn-on. Right, cause in addition to the incest, you’ve got your ever-so-sexy puritan fashions. Is that a spot of ankle? Rawwwwr.
October 23rd, 2008 at 4:57 pm
As for LT, he’s had to play to two East Coast early games in the past three weeks, with a tough Buffalo team in between. I’d expect him to bounce back on Sunday against the Saints.
So flying to the East Coast is a problem, but five additional hours flying to London won’t be?
October 23rd, 2008 at 5:02 pm
@ Gino,
he ancestors of the barmaid I’ve been jerkin’ it to lately wouldn’t like the way I’ve treated their girl.
On the contrary. Her great-grandma can’t wait for you to croak and do all that nasty shit to HER.
October 23rd, 2008 at 5:02 pm
html = hard…
October 23rd, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Ghost sex is the latest in porn chic.
October 23rd, 2008 at 5:16 pm
If I die, why would I want to watch my descendants jerking it? I’ll watch some hot young thing jerk it instead. I’m assuming being dead is like having the best cable package ever.
Also, +1 for the best new recurring piece I’ve read in months.
October 23rd, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Is jerk it a unisex term? Aw, damn it.
October 23rd, 2008 at 5:37 pm
@NBP
I believe the term you were looking for was ‘frig’.
Just a heads up.
October 23rd, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Postings like make me want to thank Al Gore for inventing internets.
October 23rd, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Would “rubbing one out” work as a unisex term?
October 23rd, 2008 at 9:27 pm
if jesus is watching me masturbate, he better be wearing goggles.
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:34 pm
When it comes to female masturbation — and not just gently rubbing her clit, but thrusting multiple fingers up her twat — the analogy I prefer to use is “Shucking the Clam.” So when she is going to town sans-dildo, I’d say she is “shucking” herself.
And who knows….maybe she’ll find a pearl, too.
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:35 pm
@dAndy — Methinks that making your date feel like a whore is not a good strategy.
And I, for one, am disappointed that none of the letters began, “Hey Faggots, …”
October 24th, 2008 at 5:54 am
@ mamacita: Then obviously you’re not my type. Either way I don’t lay it down like that, there is no whore implications whatsoever.
October 24th, 2008 at 6:54 am
[i]Women just don’t ignite like that, except for 80% of them [/i]
Truer words were never written.
October 24th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
This is the single funniest blog post I have ever read.
I couldn’t even tell the guy across the office what I was laughing at b/c I couldn’t stop. I had to simply IM him the link.
Holy fuck. Nice work.
October 24th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
@NBP
In the same vein, a girl with whom I was once involved uses the term “whacking off” for herself. I discovered this after the fact, but it’s still pretty unnerving. I think there is a definite vacuum when it comes to an all-encompassing term for female masturbation…”stroking”/”rubbing”/”shucking the clam” all sound clit-centric to me, and “fingering” too penetration-centric but other terms are clearly too phallic to be enjoyable.
So anyone have some ideas???