Class of the ‘04 Tards: Large Benjamin vs. Bitter Elisha. WHO YA GOT?
With the game in London this weekend, Drew suggested that this match-up should be between football and soccer, but that’s not really much of a contest, much like the Saints and the Chargers. Instead, two of the first-round QBs from the 2004 draft who aren’t Marmalard face off for the first time since their rookie seasons. Since then, each has picked up his own piece of hardware (and by that, I don’t mean the metal plate in Ben’s head) and has for the most part shed his once reductive reputation (Ben: He’s a game manager! Eli: He fucking sucks!). Will this game finally settle who was the class of that draft? I’m a Steelers fan and even I don’t give a shit. But maybe you do. So, WHO YA GOT?
Ben Roethlisberger________________Eli Manning
What kind of man-child is he?
Intellectual________________Emotional
Predisposed to retardery because
From Ohio___________________From the seed of a Manning
Leakage
Cranial_________________Bed
Credits success to
Plaxico Burress, for whatever reason_______His mom, specifically her cooking and spooning technique
DOES HE LIKE WHEN COACH IS COACHING?
Flaws in his game
Holds ball too long, thinks he can shake off any D-lineman____Overthrows even 6′ 5″ receivers
Would prefer it if
His line blocks Justin Tuck___He can retire now. He got his ring. WHAT MORE DO YOU PEOPLE WANT?!
Best when
Outside the pocket_______________Inside a karaoke bar
Likes squash?
“HARF HARF HARF I LIKE WHEN STUFF GO SQUASH”_________”You bet your motherflippin’ life!”
Finishing move
Fires agent for neglecting choco taco clause in big contract_____Blows off undeservedly hot wife for Double Stuf races with Pey-Pey
Tags: ben rongrastname, bitter eli, who ya got?, xmas ape
October 24th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Steelers in six.
October 24th, 2008 at 9:17 am
When Big Ben took the Wunderlich test at the pre-draft combine, his score was “bacon.”
October 24th, 2008 at 9:19 am
Roflsberger because picturing him yelling “HI DAVID” and “GLUG GLUG GLUG” makes me laugh more than bitter Eli.
October 24th, 2008 at 9:31 am
@dinosaur:
Followed immediately by HARF.
October 24th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Leakage
Cranial_________________Bed
HARF HARF HARF THATS GOOD JOKES
October 24th, 2008 at 9:42 am
Don’t mention bacon around Bettis – he’ll tear you apart to get at it.
October 24th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Fat guy, awkward interview; Bettis has become Farley. HARF HARF HARF, Beverly Hill Ninja was funny cause he’s a fat ninja.
October 24th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Ben, of course, because you gotta respect the Choco Taco clause.
October 24th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Ben Rongrastname, because HI DONOVAN still kills me.
October 24th, 2008 at 10:35 am
HI ELI!!!
October 24th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Ape your a hack
October 24th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Eli, only because Ben still doesn’t know where Bettis is from.
October 24th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Haterade needs a spelling aide
October 24th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Seriously? Well maybe I will go down to the stoar and get some Gatoraid, and it will help me thinck of better ways to spell my plaes on wurds.
Dumbass
October 24th, 2008 at 11:19 am
A better matchup would have been their women vs. each other.
Missy Peregrym vs. Abbey McGrew-Manning?
Rawr!
October 24th, 2008 at 11:25 am
The scary thing is that this could easily be the Super Bowl matchup in February.
October 24th, 2008 at 11:45 am
“HINES DOESN’T LET ME CARRY MONEY!”
October 24th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
OH HI MISSY. CAN’T TALK NOW…WALKING. OK BAI NOW.
October 24th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Don’t let it come to karaoke- Eli’s been working on the Journey catalogue.
October 24th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I’ve never been one for sweepstakes. Monopoly game for a million bucks? No thanks. Golden ticket to see the Willy Wonka factory? I’ll pass. But I tripled my Oreo consumption when I saw that advertisement. I WILL take you down, Mannings.
October 24th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
@SonofDad: Wait. Roflsberger landed Missy fucking Peregrym? Does she have some sort of fetish for the mentally retarded? Can I pull off mentally retarded? Where does she live? STAY TUNED
October 24th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
If Ben carried money around, he’d just end up buying too many of those wax juice bottles at the candy store and getting indigestion.
October 24th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
@haterade
…that’s not what he was talking about when he said spelling aide, you might want to reread your post before you get your panties all in a bunch. Fuck, way to take it way too personally.
October 24th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
@ Haterade
“Your” none too bright, but keep at it champ.
October 24th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
I HOPE SOMEONE TAPED THE NEW ENTOURAGE FOR ME