Drew’s plan for economic revival has inspired by to go back to the classics. I don’t know you mystery woman, but I’d like to hang out and tax that bikini of yours.

I consider myself to be a young man of moderate intelligence, but I’m willing to admit that my knowledge in the field of economics is lacking. In fact, I’m pretty sure I got a 76 in econ at Pitt. But to be fair, I barely even went to class after midterms. I’m sorry, but the Cathedral of Learning is fuckin’ spooky when you’re high. One time I was sitting outside the building when I was approached by a guy who recognized me because he worked at the one thing bordering on a headshop in the area. He was on his way to a class taught by the professor on whom Michael Chabon based his iconic character, Grady Tripp. Oh I’m sorry, was I rambling?

“I could be wrong, but it sort of reads in places like you didn’t make any choices. At all. And I was just wondering if it might not be different if… if when you wrote you weren’t always… under the influence.”

Well… thank you for the thought, but shocking as it may sound, I am not the first writer to sip a little weed. Furthermore, it might surprise you to know that one post I wrote, as you say, “under the influence,” just happened to win a little something called the Pen Award. Which, by the way, I accepted under the influence.

My fault, I’m a little high. And I really want to fuck Hannah.

ON TO THE PICKS!

The “Awwww fuck it, let’s send some money offshore” Singles of the Week

Philadelphia Eagles -6 San Francisco 49ers
Finally, betting against J.T. O’Sullivan and his band of merry wanderers is starting to pay off for the hungry investor! The Niners have dropped two straight against the spread, and McNabb is just pissed enough to have himself a big day with or without Westbrook.

Washington Redskins -14 vs. St. Louis Rams
How do you like me now, motherfuckers? Who cares if it’s a big line? The Redskins are due for a nice easy win against an utterly flaccid opponent. But gee, I sure do hope they can find some way to contain that vaunted Al Saunder offense.

New York Jets -6 Cincinnati Bengals
God damn it Maj, why the fuck did you pick this game? What a titanic piece of shit this one is going to be. If God gave me a choice between watching this game in its entirety or being crucified I’d supply the hammer and nails.

The “I’m just going to keep betting on the better teams” Parlay of the Week

Jacksonville Jaguars +3½ vs. Denver Broncos
Denver’s defense is fucking garbage. That is all ye know on Earth, and all ye need to know. So bet on the Jaguars, ye pussy.

Carolina Panthers +1½ vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Fuck if I know, it just felt right. Instead of my pithy meaningless “words” let’s have a word from my new mentor.

So what’s the over/under on number of beverages in your refrigerator?

The “Because I am easily bored on Monday nights” Monday Night Football Teaser special.

New York Giants -2 Mon vs. Cleveland Browns
Teased 6.0 points
Under 49
Teased 6.0 points

This just in: Monday Night Football is fucking garbage! The NFL is going out of their way to ruin this once sacred tradition for everyone. All the games that don’t suck balls get their spot on Sunday Night after everybody is comatose from watching eight hour earlier in the day, and it bothers the shit out of me. They could put the god damn Texans on Sunday night and nobody would blink an eye because they’d be so fucking sated from a full day of real football. Now the shitty game of the week always seems to find its way to Monday, and we’re expected to get all excited over it? Fuck that. The only way to make this shit remotely watchable is to put something on the outcome.

Cleveland’s offense is for shit, and their games have all be going under. This should be an easy one unless Plexiglass gets all energized and winds up scoring seven touchdowns.