Always Be Covering, Especially In This Financial Climate
I consider myself to be a young man of moderate intelligence, but I’m willing to admit that my knowledge in the field of economics is lacking. In fact, I’m pretty sure I got a 76 in econ at Pitt. But to be fair, I barely even went to class after midterms. I’m sorry, but the Cathedral of Learning is fuckin’ spooky when you’re high. One time I was sitting outside the building when I was approached by a guy who recognized me because he worked at the one thing bordering on a headshop in the area. He was on his way to a class taught by the professor on whom Michael Chabon based his iconic character, Grady Tripp. Oh I’m sorry, was I rambling?
“I could be wrong, but it sort of reads in places like you didn’t make any choices. At all. And I was just wondering if it might not be different if… if when you wrote you weren’t always… under the influence.”
Well… thank you for the thought, but shocking as it may sound, I am not the first writer to sip a little weed. Furthermore, it might surprise you to know that one post I wrote, as you say, “under the influence,” just happened to win a little something called the Pen Award. Which, by the way, I accepted under the influence.
My fault, I’m a little high. And I really want to fuck Hannah.
ON TO THE PICKS!
Philadelphia Eagles -6 San Francisco 49ers
Finally, betting against J.T. O’Sullivan and his band of merry wanderers is starting to pay off for the hungry investor! The Niners have dropped two straight against the spread, and McNabb is just pissed enough to have himself a big day with or without Westbrook.
Washington Redskins -14 vs. St. Louis Rams
How do you like me now, motherfuckers? Who cares if it’s a big line? The Redskins are due for a nice easy win against an utterly flaccid opponent. But gee, I sure do hope they can find some way to contain that vaunted Al Saunder offense.
New York Jets -6 Cincinnati Bengals
God damn it Maj, why the fuck did you pick this game? What a titanic piece of shit this one is going to be. If God gave me a choice between watching this game in its entirety or being crucified I’d supply the hammer and nails.
Jacksonville Jaguars +3½ vs. Denver Broncos
Denver’s defense is fucking garbage. That is all ye know on Earth, and all ye need to know. So bet on the Jaguars, ye pussy.
Carolina Panthers +1½ vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Fuck if I know, it just felt right. Instead of my pithy meaningless “words” let’s have a word from my new mentor.
So what’s the over/under on number of beverages in your refrigerator?
New York Giants -2 Mon vs. Cleveland Browns
Teased 6.0 points
Under 49
Teased 6.0 points
This just in: Monday Night Football is fucking garbage! The NFL is going out of their way to ruin this once sacred tradition for everyone. All the games that don’t suck balls get their spot on Sunday Night after everybody is comatose from watching eight hour earlier in the day, and it bothers the shit out of me. They could put the god damn Texans on Sunday night and nobody would blink an eye because they’d be so fucking sated from a full day of real football. Now the shitty game of the week always seems to find its way to Monday, and we’re expected to get all excited over it? Fuck that. The only way to make this shit remotely watchable is to put something on the outcome.
Cleveland’s offense is for shit, and their games have all be going under. This should be an easy one unless Plexiglass gets all energized and winds up scoring seven touchdowns.
Tags: Always Be Covering, Gambling, i'm not really high...for serious, it's satire people, My fridge always has at least one bottle of Sweet Baby Rays, sexy friday, that got a bit sacrilicious, Unsilent Majority
October 10th, 2008 at 11:03 am
So bet on the Jaguars, ye pussy.
No! I won’t do it! NEVER!
October 10th, 2008 at 11:03 am
The Cathedral of Learning is spooky even when you’re not high. It just looks like the kind of place where people get murdered regularly and nobody is terribly surprised by it.
October 10th, 2008 at 11:15 am
I don’t know about that Eagles game. Andy Reid is 2-7 the week before a bye, and the way he has been coaching the last two games, it’s probably gonna be 2-8.
October 10th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Zorn versus Sanders, one man enters, one 800 page playbook leaves burned.
October 10th, 2008 at 11:31 am
MONDAY…that crappy day of the week when you get to see the same boring ad for the 150,000th time.
But with Monday comes MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.
So just remember, Tony Kornheiser makes up for a shitty week. OK, maybe not, but he’s along for the ride.
Is it Tuesday yet?
October 10th, 2008 at 11:37 am
I am in awe of Mr. Refrigerator Bait. Does anyone spend that much time, thinking power, money and organization to get laid?
October 10th, 2008 at 11:40 am
Any idea what your record is for the season Maj?
October 10th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Who doesn’t want to fuck Hannah. I never forget an oola
October 10th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Tela Ropa was a terrible head shop but it filled its purpose. Now theres no head shops in Pittsburgh.
October 10th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Spray butter in the hood!
October 10th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Yeah Danny, it’s shitty and that’s the way I like it.
October 10th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Tela Ropa, that’s what that craphole was called! Yeah, it was basically just one-hitters and papers.
October 10th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Some little known factoids:
The founding fathers? Higher than superman and the hubble telescope squared.
The declaration of independence? It was just a stondedly conceived prank on the kind that went awry. The war was a misunderstanding.
October 10th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Vagina panties?
October 10th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Worst thing to do stoned at Pitt: sit in the cathedral study area.
Best thing to do whilst stoned at Pitt: eat at eddies.
October 10th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
I’m pretty underwhelmed by that woman’s physique, but I bet you…. GODDAMNIT I bet you, that she is an unbridled tigress in the sack.
October 10th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
HAPPY FREEDOM DAY! Nude Hottubbing, anyone?
-high watching Futurama
October 10th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Come on Becky, drop those Vagina panties!
I now know why I haven’t been getting laid. My little n****r has been cockblocking me.
October 10th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Dey drop em!
October 10th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
So am I supposed to watch the video, or are we reallly doing over/under for the fridge? Let’s see: 1 30 pack Miller Lite, 1 12 pack Miller MGD 64, 1 12 pack Guiness, 3 Magic Hats, 1 Corona, 1 Miller High Life, 1 Genny Light, 1 Bud, 1 Molson Ice, an assortment of Smirnoff shit, 1 bottle of Bailey’s.
October 10th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
If semen tasted like Sweet Baby Rays I’d turn be gay before you can say bukkake.
Best. Condiment. Ever.
October 10th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Ah, sexy Friday. Or as I like to call it, NSFW Friday.
October 10th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Rocco, gotta watch the video…you went down a different road!
October 10th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
you breathin heavy i know you hongry
October 10th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Rocco went down a very very sad road.
October 10th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Where’s the grape soda in that fridge?
October 10th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Hey! It’s that guy you are!
October 10th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
When Donovan gets pissed doesn’t that mean it’s time for him to get a sprained vagina, be out for a couple weeks, Kolb step in and throw a touchdown and two picks, leading them to a narrow 5 point win against a far inferior opponent?
October 10th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Holy hell, who here DIDN’T go to Pitt? I didn’t think we were so popular.
/wandstache’d
October 10th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
A CHROME garbage can?
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNN….
October 10th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Well, if you’re gonna force a straight girl to have to look at naked chicks on this website all the time, the least you can do is cover them up with some fine-looking sticky buds. Hell, yes, thank you for the gift!!!!
October 10th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Can a doctor write me a prescription for that girl? I’ve got glaucoma and a crippling pussy addiction.
October 10th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Now that is a smokin bikini! It mak-ah me smirre verry much, lemme tellya, ulright? Gotta tell ya though Maj that pick of da Jags over da Broncs…man you must be high…c’mon dog…evvyboddy know dat Cutler prick can masterbate da ball down the feel a whole better than the Jags can masturbate period. It’s no contest…plus you have the nerve to show a hot babe in a bud covered bikini knowing the Broncs are playing at “Mile Hiiiiiiigh Feel!?! I’m not a Broncos fan, i’m just thinking Karma be against you an shit you pickin the Jags an all. Makes me think you tryin to masturbate me or somethin…
October 10th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
an where’d you get that picture by the way? got anymore of those?
October 11th, 2008 at 2:31 am
Pitt talk, NEAT!
Especially because I’m high too. Tela Ropa was lame but it served a purpose. You and your roommate just had to decide one day to skip classes and drive down to Morgantown and getting some good pieces at Coolridge.
@PPD: Why would you ever seek out Eddie’s food while you’re stoned? Is there something about smoking weed that makes shitting yourself unconscious more fun than I realized?
October 11th, 2008 at 3:49 am
Gotta love Sweet Baby Rays. Approve.
October 11th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
maj, i hope you weren’t one of the poor bastards that didn’t know there was an arby’s in the basement of the cathedral it took the edge off in a pinch
October 11th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
WHAT?!
October 12th, 2008 at 8:07 pm
No lie, I played a round of golf with Sweet Baby Ray’s brother. He was kind of a dick, and you can tell he was new money. But I still shook his hand in reverence for being related to such an amazing, amazing man.
October 12th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
Well shiiiiiiiiiit! Damn Fucking Jags won and I just lost $50 on that shit. Maj, I will never doubt your word again!