IM NOT S’PPOSED TO LOOK AT PRETTY GIRLS BEFORE GAMES. HEY LOOK AT ME, THIS IS WHAT HINES LOOKS LIKE WHEN HE’S ANGRY!

Int. FedEx Field, Pregame Warmups

BEN: PEW PEW PEW!

Chris Cooley: Hey Ben.

BEN: PEW PEW PEW!

Chris: HEY BEN!

BEN: OH HI I TRIED TO SEE YOUR DINGHY ON THE INTERCOMPUTBOX BUT NET NANNY SAID I WASNT ALLOWED

Chris: Don’t worry, you didn’t miss much.

BEN: PEW PEW PEW!

Chris: Ben? BEN!

Ben: WHATS UP CHRIS

Chris: What the hell are you doing?

BEN: PRACTICING CALL OF DUTY 4 IN MY HEAD TO STAY FOCUSED. HINES TOLD ME I NEED TO KEEP MY MIND ZEN BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS SO IM KILLIN THE TURRURISTS.

Chris: Why aren’t you in the tunnel with the rest of your team?

BEN: GIRLS

Chris: You’re scared of girls?

BEN: NO STUPIDHEAD!

Chris: So what the hell are you talking about?

BEN: GIRLS DUMMY. YOU GUYS USE THEM TO DISTRACT ME. THEY STRETCH IN FRONT OF ME AND I GET A BOOM BOOM AND HINES TELLS ME I RACK DICIPRINE. LOOK AT THEM PLOTTING AGAINST ME OVER THERE

Chris: Jeez Ben, they’re just cheerleaders warming up for the game like the rest of us.

BEN: CHEERLEADERS ARE MY NUMBER ONE WEAKNESS. LIKE KRYPTONITE FOR SUPERMAN OR FELINE AIDS FOR CATWOMAN OR PENIS FOR THE ESCAPIST

Chris: Really? Like, you really can’t concentrate on the game with hot chicks standing around?

BEN: JUST THE CHEERLEADERS

Chris: [thinks to himself]

BEN: PEW PEW PEW

Chris: [thinks to himself]

BEN: PEW PEW PEW

Chris: [still thinking to himself]

BEN: PEW PEW PEW

Chris: Hey Ben, look over there!

BEN: HUH? WHERE?

BEN: NOOOOOO WHYD YOU DO THAT? NOW IM GONNA THROW A INNERSEPSHUN

Chris: Oh man, I’m sorry about that. I didn’t know you had such a serious problem with the appearance of attractive women. Say, have you ever met my wife?

BEN: NO

Chris: Oh well, I have these pictures of her that I keep in my compression shorts for good luck. You wanna see?

BEN: HARF HARF HARF OKAY

Chris: [hands Ben the first photo]

BEN: SHES PRETTY I BET SHE SMELLS GOOD AND HAS SOFT HAIR I LIKE SOFT HAIR BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME OF RABBITS

Chris: Yeah, she has really pretty hair. Hey, if you like hair, take a look at this other one. It’s from her old job.

BEN: HOLY CRUD SHES A CHEERLEADER! NOOOOOOOO

Chris: Oh god, I’m sorry Ben, I totally forgot about the cheerleader thing.

BEN: HINES IS GONNA BE MAD. ‘SPESHULY IF I RUN OUTTA BOUNDS TO SNIFF ANOTHER CHEERLEADER

Chris: I’m sure it’ll be okay.

BEN: I HAVE A BOOM BOOM IN MY PANTS

Chris: You don’t say. Hey look, is that Hines?

BEN: UHOHSPAGGETTIOS DOES HE LOOK MAD AT ME?

Chris: I don’t know Ben, why don’t you turn around and look for yourself.

BEN: OKAY BUT IF HES MAD YOU HAVE TO GO GET COACH BEFORE HE HURTS ME LIKE THE OTHERS [Ben turns around]

BEN: HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF

Chris: Haha, you okay there Ben?

BEN: HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF

Chris: Ben?

BEN: [faints]

Call me crazy, but I think I just may be betting on the Redskins again this week.

On to the picks!

Houston +4.5 at Minnesota

This completely goes against my policy of betting against Rolf the Nazi shark, but I have to hand it to the great white anti-semite on this one. And yes, I’ve watched exactly as many minutes of Texan football as Rolf this season.

Buffalo Bills -5½ vs. New York Jets

I’m just about done betting against the Bills at home, and on Brett Favre anywhere. So this is quite the serendipitous opportunity to get things rolling.

Tennessee -4.5 vs. Green Bay

The Titans are almost as great against the spread as they are straight up. They’ve won five in a row ATS, and I see no reason to stop betting on them this week. They’ve also gone over in four of their last five, but 41 is a pretty decent sized number for a team that doesn’t throw the ball more than five yards down field.

New England +6 at Indianapolis

Okay assholes, what the fuck is going on here? Somebody knows something that they aren’t telling me and I want to know what kind of shit they have on this game.

/checks injury report

Awwww, fuck.

But hey, at least the Pats are 3-10 ATS in their last 13 games.

God damn you Vegas, you’ve tricked me again with your flashy lines that seem nonsensical at first glance!