Always Be Covering, Especially In Front of Big Ben
Int. FedEx Field, Pregame Warmups
BEN: PEW PEW PEW!
Chris Cooley: Hey Ben.
BEN: PEW PEW PEW!
Chris: HEY BEN!
BEN: OH HI I TRIED TO SEE YOUR DINGHY ON THE INTERCOMPUTBOX BUT NET NANNY SAID I WASNT ALLOWED
Chris: Don’t worry, you didn’t miss much.
BEN: PEW PEW PEW!
Chris: Ben? BEN!
Ben: WHATS UP CHRIS
Chris: What the hell are you doing?
BEN: PRACTICING CALL OF DUTY 4 IN MY HEAD TO STAY FOCUSED. HINES TOLD ME I NEED TO KEEP MY MIND ZEN BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS SO IM KILLIN THE TURRURISTS.
Chris: Why aren’t you in the tunnel with the rest of your team?
BEN: GIRLS
Chris: You’re scared of girls?
BEN: NO STUPIDHEAD!
Chris: So what the hell are you talking about?
BEN: GIRLS DUMMY. YOU GUYS USE THEM TO DISTRACT ME. THEY STRETCH IN FRONT OF ME AND I GET A BOOM BOOM AND HINES TELLS ME I RACK DICIPRINE. LOOK AT THEM PLOTTING AGAINST ME OVER THERE
Chris: Jeez Ben, they’re just cheerleaders warming up for the game like the rest of us.
BEN: CHEERLEADERS ARE MY NUMBER ONE WEAKNESS. LIKE KRYPTONITE FOR SUPERMAN OR FELINE AIDS FOR CATWOMAN OR PENIS FOR THE ESCAPIST
Chris: Really? Like, you really can’t concentrate on the game with hot chicks standing around?
BEN: JUST THE CHEERLEADERS
Chris: [thinks to himself]
BEN: PEW PEW PEW
Chris: [thinks to himself]
BEN: PEW PEW PEW
Chris: [still thinking to himself]
BEN: PEW PEW PEW
Chris: Hey Ben, look over there!
BEN: HUH? WHERE?
BEN: NOOOOOO WHYD YOU DO THAT? NOW IM GONNA THROW A INNERSEPSHUN
Chris: Oh man, I’m sorry about that. I didn’t know you had such a serious problem with the appearance of attractive women. Say, have you ever met my wife?
BEN: NO
Chris: Oh well, I have these pictures of her that I keep in my compression shorts for good luck. You wanna see?
BEN: HARF HARF HARF OKAY
Chris: [hands Ben the first photo]
BEN: SHES PRETTY I BET SHE SMELLS GOOD AND HAS SOFT HAIR I LIKE SOFT HAIR BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME OF RABBITS
Chris: Yeah, she has really pretty hair. Hey, if you like hair, take a look at this other one. It’s from her old job.
BEN: HOLY CRUD SHES A CHEERLEADER! NOOOOOOOO
Chris: Oh god, I’m sorry Ben, I totally forgot about the cheerleader thing.
BEN: HINES IS GONNA BE MAD. ‘SPESHULY IF I RUN OUTTA BOUNDS TO SNIFF ANOTHER CHEERLEADER
Chris: I’m sure it’ll be okay.
BEN: I HAVE A BOOM BOOM IN MY PANTS
Chris: You don’t say. Hey look, is that Hines?
BEN: UHOHSPAGGETTIOS DOES HE LOOK MAD AT ME?
Chris: I don’t know Ben, why don’t you turn around and look for yourself.
BEN: OKAY BUT IF HES MAD YOU HAVE TO GO GET COACH BEFORE HE HURTS ME LIKE THE OTHERS [Ben turns around]
BEN: HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF
Chris: Haha, you okay there Ben?
BEN: HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF
Chris: Ben?
BEN: [faints]
Call me crazy, but I think I just may be betting on the Redskins again this week.
On to the picks!
Houston +4.5 at Minnesota
This completely goes against my policy of betting against Rolf the Nazi shark, but I have to hand it to the great white anti-semite on this one. And yes, I’ve watched exactly as many minutes of Texan football as Rolf this season.
Buffalo Bills -5½ vs. New York Jets
I’m just about done betting against the Bills at home, and on Brett Favre anywhere. So this is quite the serendipitous opportunity to get things rolling.
Tennessee -4.5 vs. Green Bay
The Titans are almost as great against the spread as they are straight up. They’ve won five in a row ATS, and I see no reason to stop betting on them this week. They’ve also gone over in four of their last five, but 41 is a pretty decent sized number for a team that doesn’t throw the ball more than five yards down field.
New England +6 at Indianapolis
Okay assholes, what the fuck is going on here? Somebody knows something that they aren’t telling me and I want to know what kind of shit they have on this game.
/checks injury report
Awwww, fuck.
But hey, at least the Pats are 3-10 ATS in their last 13 games.
God damn you Vegas, you’ve tricked me again with your flashy lines that seem nonsensical at first glance!
Tags: Always Be Covering, Ben Rongras, Butchering Ape's shtick, Cheerleaders, Gambling, sexy friday, Unsilent Majority
October 31st, 2008 at 12:32 pm
*shakes fist* Damn you Net Nanny!
October 31st, 2008 at 12:33 pm
HI MAJ
WHY YOU GET IN MY HEADSPACE? ‘GONNA MAKE ME THROW PICKERCEPTIONS. GOOD THING CARLOS ROGERS DON’T CATCH THEM. HARF HARF HARF
October 31st, 2008 at 12:34 pm
My boom boom needs to be up in all those ladies.
TURRURIST!
October 31st, 2008 at 12:36 pm
No, NO, No.
October 31st, 2008 at 12:36 pm
/checks injury report
Awwww, fuck.
Yes, Tom Brady is out for the season.
October 31st, 2008 at 12:38 pm
+1 for the Lennie quote from “Of Mice and Men”
October 31st, 2008 at 12:46 pm
+1 for the Adventures of Kavalier and Clay reference
October 31st, 2008 at 12:47 pm
I take the opposite view of the Titans and their perfect ATS record, eventually Vegas over compensates for the winning streak. No team has ever gone undefeated ATS and I believe 10-6 is the best any team did last year.
October 31st, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Big Ben–> Simple Jack
October 31st, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Well they’ve adjusted (giving a half a point more this week than they did last week against Indy), but I don’t think it’s nearly enough.
October 31st, 2008 at 1:07 pm
That was mother fucking awesome. Great work!
October 31st, 2008 at 1:15 pm
HARFlisberger is making my eyes leak.
(still thinking)
October 31st, 2008 at 1:20 pm
This one goes right to the time capsule. Tears I tell ya, tears.
October 31st, 2008 at 1:46 pm
HOLY CRUD! +1
October 31st, 2008 at 1:48 pm
muy excellente amigo! Nice start to the weekend right there! Is it genetics that allow black bitches to make there ass do things that white bitches can’t. Sista on the left in that last pic has dem cheeks splut make pacman won gedown wid it!
October 31st, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Who, exactly, is Chris Cooley’s wife? And why have I just finished masturbating to her for the first time just now?
October 31st, 2008 at 2:08 pm
I’d butcher Ape’s schtick.
I’m sorry… what?
October 31st, 2008 at 2:09 pm
@dAndy: I believe she was told to get ready, and she took that to mean ready for anal.
October 31st, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Christy Cooley (nee Ogelvee, a former skins cheerleader)
October 31st, 2008 at 2:21 pm
The Steeler mockery isn’t as funny without massive amounts of Ape homerism.
October 31st, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Cooley’s wife looks like Nicole Sheridan – NOT Nicolette Sheridan – Nicole, the one who likes to have spunk in and around her mouth at all times.
October 31st, 2008 at 2:33 pm
@FMRA: Sounds painful.
October 31st, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I wonder what Hines thinks of the blonde Asian chick (the one about to get clawed) in the second pic?
/Blonde Asian chick?
October 31st, 2008 at 2:49 pm
+ eleventy for this homertastic post.
October 31st, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Ben in the top pic looking at the hot blond Asian Redskins cheerleader:
“Me Chinese, me play joke, me go pee pee in your Coke!”
October 31st, 2008 at 6:53 pm
@Gino:
With Hines Wald nodding in applovar.
October 31st, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Chris and Christy?
My boner just died.
November 1st, 2008 at 8:13 am
I HAVE A BOOM BOOM IN MY PANTS
You know you’ve totally ruined watching Ben for me, don’t you? I see him and I think of him going HI DONOVAN and HURR HURR HURR and I start giggling.
November 1st, 2008 at 11:37 am
Maj: Great work dude, that was great. I hate to say this, but next to he Cowboys cheerleaders, the Redskinettes seem to be #2 in the NFL. The Dolphins, Bucs, Falcons, Raiders and Chargers girls are pick ‘ems for 3-7.
Will begin to spank it to all of the above right now. HARF HARF HARF.