Across the Pond, There Lies a Douche
[Nondescript British pub]
Bartender: How’s the work getting on?
Patron: Could be better. I think everyone’s having a bit of the hardship these days. These are lean times.
Bartender: Not for a man of my profession.
Patron: Heh. I think you’re right.
Bartender: Care for another?
Patron: Trying to bleed me dry, are you? Sure. What’s the bother?
Bartender: Going to be checking out the American football match over the weekend?
Patron: Actually have to for a business contact. Can’t say I’m all that chuffed about it.
Bartender: You know those Yanks have to push their sports on the world. Not unlike everything else I guess.
[Vintage red phone booth flies open]
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddaaaayyyyyyy!
Patron: Begging your pardon?
Rivers: Pip pip, right-o beggin’ ya pardon, govnah. Wots a roight propur chap from the colonies like moyself doing on the Sceptred Oy-ull? It’s a curious fing! Maybe it’s me eyes, but this be a bloody country of ponces! A wee bit dodgy, it is!
Patron: Now you’re just being rude.
Rivers: Well bless me cotton socks! Right bunch of tossers you are. Finding me manner bawdy, aw ya poppet? Don’t want to set the cat amongst the pigeons, if you follow me tone.
Patron: Whatever are you rabbiting on about?
Rivers: Oh nothing. JUST TRYING TO SAVE MY TEAM’S SEASON LIKE WE SAVED YOUR LIMEY ASSES FROM JERRY IN THE GREAT SECOND WORLD WAR! CAN YOU FOLLOW THAT? PARDON? COME AGAIN? PARDON? PISS OFF!
And Fidel Goodell’s got King Philip the Laserfaced over here like some traveling circus ringmaster to get you leftside driving soccernistas to see the light. SUBMIT TO THE WILL OF OUR SPORTING EMPIRE AND MAYBE YOU’LL GET A FRANCHISE OF YOUR OWN! I can see it now: The London Figgy Puddingtwats. We’ll even give you the Cutler of your choice.
Rivers: I, for one, don’t want it to happen. How can it when your food fucking sucks the grits out of my shit. I can’t even get my Piggly Wiggly here. WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST PIGGLY WIGGLY, YOU TWEEDY TOFFEE-NOSED CUNTFOUNTAIN CUTLERFUCKERS?! YOU ASSHOLES DON’T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT DOWN-HOME ALABAMA SEVEN-LAYER CASSAROLE! THAT’S WHY THE PILGRIMS LEFT YOUR GODDAMN COUNTY! NO PIGGLY WIGGLY! THAT’S YOUR PROBLEM, YOU POXY PRATS!
And what’s this shit?
Your goddamn newspapers are written in a cockamamie tongue that’s harder to read than the Bills defense. What the fuck does eggy mean?
THAT’S NOT A WORD! SPEAK AMERICAN!
[Balls up newspaper and throws it across the bar. It hangs in the air so long that it disintegrates before it hits the ground]
Bartender: Right! I’m gonna have to ask you to leave this establishment!
Rivers: I’ll take off when I’m good and fockin’ ready, boyo.
Bartender: I think you should be taking your leave now while you can.
Rivers: Why? You got some burly Brit you think can move me? What’s he gonna do, kick me in the shins? Yae mus’ be takin’ the piss wif me, chappo.
Bartender: Not exactly.
[Porticullis flies open]
Shawne Merriman: GWWWARRRR! FOUND USEFUL OUTLET FOR FORCED ENTRY OUTSIDE FOOTBALL!
Rivers: Shit.
Tags: marmalard, rule doucheiannia, xmas ape
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:20 am
PARDON? COME AGAIN? PARDON? PISS OFF!
/slow clap
Also, I noticed that Brits say “Sorry” instead of “Excuse me” when they’re trying to get past you. Stop apologizing, goddammit!
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:22 am
Excellent. Haven’t seen a porticullis fly open in a while. And really, how can they live without Piggly Wiggly? I know I find it hard to get through my days without but I perservere the best I can.
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:23 am
I guess this should be as good a time as any to let you know that while I was checking the hit counter stats for my site, it showed that someone with a Spanos company IP address visited. Their exit link? The Marmalard tag. Not sure why i find that funny, but I do.
Oh, and I too wonder what the British have against Piggy Wiggly.
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:29 am
“cutlerfuckers”
My new favorite term for Bronco fans, and my new favorite word as I am stuck in Denver. Such as “wait one cutlerfucking minute, he said wait?”
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:32 am
FEZZIK! THE PORTCULLIS!
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:34 am
SUBMIT TO THE WILL OF OUR SPORTING EMPIRE
hehe.
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:36 am
“Are you ‘avin a laugh? Is he ‘avin a laugh?”
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:41 am
GWWWARRRR!
Sexcuse me, but what good is all the violence in the world unless
it is toppled with limitless sex?
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:45 am
It’s a sad day for the American economy when our primary export to England is a fully grown retarded man from Alabama.
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:50 am
@ CC
+1 for the Princess Bride reference, now if you’ll excuse me I have to retreat into my nerd cave and sequentially organize my comic books.
“I’ve hired you to help me start a war. It’s an prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.”
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:51 am
“Left-driving soccernistas”… that was tremendous. Well done, chaps!
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:52 am
+9 TechNine
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:53 am
If you look up the word “ponce” in the dictionary, it doesn’t give a definition, it just shows that picture of Marmalard with his hand on his hip like a petulant child.
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:17 am
This is actually a pretty restrained account of the interactions Rivers will have over there.
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:18 am
Douche meets Euro-Douche. Super.
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:22 am
Welcome back Marmalard!!! (Finally)
“PARDON? COME AGAIN? PARDON? PISS OFF!”
-Thats a top 10 plays candidate right there. Well played!
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:25 am
Pip pip to you too old chum, quite a smashing tale of how we all talk this side of the pond.
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:26 am
I shall have to watch Snatch and Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels to verify the accuracy of your Brit-speak.
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:27 am
meanwhile, LdT just shattered his toe on a cobblestone.
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:27 am
Sucks the grits out of my shit.
Nice.
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:30 am
Pint of the black stuff govnah.
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:33 am
Bravo
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:37 am
The left guy in the first pic looks like Officer (or Mr.) Pryzbylewski…
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:40 am
Ahh England. Let’s see, Soccer Hooligans, SAS, Elizabeth Hurley, craptastic weather, bad teeth, The Full Monty, Margaret Thatcher, the “Royals”, Monty Python, Benny Hill, ….somebody help me out here…
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:47 am
Anybody have the recipe for down home, 7 layer, Alabama casserole?
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:49 am
I knew what a portcullis was without clicking on the link
/not special, not a snowflake
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:59 am
Anybody have the recipe for down home, 7 layer, Alabama casserole?
If they do it there like we do it here in NC, this is how it works….
Take a 55 gallon drum, add 7 whole pigs with a layer of breading between each pig, cook in an open pit for at least three days.
You’re welcome.
October 23rd, 2008 at 12:09 pm
I was just reading FMRA’s Footbawful powerless rankings…
http://footbawful.blogspot.com/2008/10/powerless-rankings-afc_22.html
And came upon ” lanky WR rookie Limas Sweed ” of Pittsburgh really should be in England, his name is so Dickensian. Isn’t he in Great Expectations?
October 23rd, 2008 at 12:29 pm
It’s been emotional.
October 23rd, 2008 at 12:43 pm
That pic of Marmalard in the red shirt is kinda wierd… the distance between his eyebrows and lower lip is pretty small in comparison to the overall height of his head. Kinda like a shrunken apple face.
October 23rd, 2008 at 12:45 pm
I prefer EDSBS’s take on Limas.
http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2008/04/29/fools-my-plan-worked-again/
October 23rd, 2008 at 12:46 pm
How many does that feed?
October 23rd, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Ape: That was outstanding. Bravo to you sir, indeed.
The London Figgy Puddingtwats That would be a great team name. Would their rivals be The Sheffield Bloodpie Cuntflaps?
And don’t forget Lucy Pinder in your list of all thing British…
October 23rd, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Hey, that isn’t an accurate depiction of England! Where is the asylum seeker who gets more in benefits than he ever would do if he worked and the 14 year old chav stabbing people with a kitchen knife!?
October 23rd, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Anybody have the recipe for down home, 7 layer, Alabama casserole?
Is that a euphemism for a prison gang rape?
October 23rd, 2008 at 1:31 pm
@BallSoup: The hell did you think Merriman was doing there?
October 23rd, 2008 at 1:31 pm
@ Ape. Superb. That in turn reminds me of the retard Traveler GINORMOUS red umbrella commercial with creepy travelling show characters on the side of the river. A bad turn indeed.
October 23rd, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Tha’s a load-a-bollocks tha’ is! You come into a British pub with that attitude and you get your ass handed to you after some skinhead cut it off with his broken beer bottle.
I do loved Cuntfountain Cutlerfuckers. Next chick I see gets called that.
October 23rd, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Is that giant Jason Taylor robot still wandering around England?
October 23rd, 2008 at 9:06 pm
And I was hoping for a Tiny Darren to make an appearance…that would have been fun…
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:13 pm
this being a proper british post, marmalard didn’t ball it up, he conglobulated it.
you could look it up, and probably should.
October 25th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
looks like laserface sharted all over the backdrop in the appleface/piggly-wiggly picture. too much alabama casserole?