A Leyenda Is Born
10.16.08
Jon Gruden: We got a real tough matchup here this week, fellas. These Seahawks won’t give you a goddamn inch, fellas. We’re gonna have to fight for everything we got, fellas. We’re gonna have to leave it all out there on the field, fellas. And that means cutting the cord and PLAYING SOME GODDAMN FOOTBALL, FELLAS.
Kevin Carter: Whatever. They’re the Seahawks. They fucking suck. We just lit up those Carolina bitches. I’mma cool down.
Jon Gruden: Well Kevin, that is pretty goddamn weak. That’s just what Holmgren wants us to do, fellas.. That guy is a fucking LEGEND, and he will turn up the heat on you if you just sit back and let him, fellas!
Chris Hovan: YEAHHHH I’M SO FUCKING FIRED UP I‘M GONNA PAINT MY FACE AND MY ENTIRE BACK YEAAARRRGHHHH! I’M GONNA OVERPURSUE EVERY RUNNING PLAY UNTIL I FUCKING PUKE!
Jon Gruden: That’s what I’m talking about, fellas. You see Chris’ fire, fellas? We’re gonna to have to match their intensity out on that field, fellas. And we’re gonna have to…. Hey, what’s that sound? You fellas hear something?
Kevin Carter: Yeah, sounds like a big swishing sound.
Chris Hovan: LET ME AFTER IT! I’LL FUCKING HIT IT AND FORGET TO WRAP MY ARMS AROUND IT! THEN I’LL SCREAM REAL LOUD AND USE UP MY LAST REMAINING ENERGY!
Jon Gruden: Wait a second, fellas. I know what that sound is. Oh, shit. Not again…
(puerta flies open)
Gay Zorro: Hello, my friends. It is I! GAY ZORRO! THE GAYEST BLADE OF THEM ALL!
Kevin Carter: Jeff, we know it’s you.
Gay Zorro: My friends, the people of the Chiapas Province need our help. The dreaded El Toro Rojo has ransacked their villages and robbed them of all their corn! Without the precious miaz, all the little hijos could starve, my friends. We must help them. And then we must DANCE! BAILAMOS!
(clenches rose between teeth)
Jon Gruden: Jeff, this is getting tiresome. You do this every week when you really need to start preparing mentally for Seattle. I keep tellin’ you this!
Gay Zorro: You want to let the innocent hijos of Chiapas starve? Would you deny them their very freedom, Senor?! GAY ZORRO WILL NOT! HE IS AN HOMBRE DE LA GENTE, SENOR!
(carves a Z onto Gruden’s penis)
Jon Gruden: Oh, god dammit.
Chris Hovan: LET ME HIT HIM! HE’S A FAGGOT!
Gay Zorro: I don’t expect any of you to understand. I alone carry the burden of what it means to be GAY ZORRO. My grandfather was GAY ZORRO. And my father was GAY ZORRO. And now he has passed his flaming blade onto me. Now, I must be there FOR MY PEOPLE.
(brandishes epee)
Gay Zorro: And I will not let any BANDITOS get in my way! If we must duel inside the engine room of a paddleboat, we shall! If I must forcibly place my churro into your tamale, I SHALL! GAY ZORRO WILL NOT BE DISTRACTED FROM HIS MISSION!
Jon Gruden: Jeff, please stop doing this.
Gay Zorro: Jeff? Quien es Jeff? If you are not with GAY ZORRO, you are AGAINST GAY ZORRO! ADIOS, MY FRIENDS!
(flips cape, skips out of room)
Kevin Carter: I am so sick of him doing that.
Jon Gruden: I sure it’ll pass, fellas. It’s just a thing he’s going through.
(door flies open)
Jeff Garcia: Hey guys, what was all that commotion? Is everything okay?
Chris Hovan: HE’S WEIRD.
Photoshop by 289.
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Wait, Johnnie Morton engages in man-love?? Is that why Matt Millen kept drafting wide receivers? I think someone needs to have the definitive list of athletes who are rumored to play for the other team, so we can use the appropriate jokes.
Gay Zorro: You want to let the innocent hijos of Chiapas starve? Would you deny them their very freedom, Senor?! GAY ZORRO WILL NOT! HE IS AN HOMBRE DE LA GENTE, SENOR!
(carves a Z onto Gruden’s penis)
Jon Gruden: Oh, god dammit.
Best part of section…in my head sounds like my Dad when he was just pissed and disgusted. Which, after having a Z carved in his dick, I would really expect a little more Marvin Harrison reaction…
@ ognihs : Nice call on the honor du-el.
Did Zorro ever have a partner or helper? If so, when do the Bucs play the Browns. I’m thinking full length (wait that doesn’t sound right) motion picture with Brady and Jeff once that day comes…..
@phony gwynn: Looks like it’s a typo/misspelling of maiz which is Spanish for corn.
@Drew: (se abre la puerta)
i’ve heard brady quinn wants to appear with the gay blade in the next axe commercial. it won’t set heterosexuality back more than a thousand years or so. this is what the coming democratic epoch demands, correct?
Spot on, Drew. Spoken like a true Viking fan. Fuck you, Hovan! You’re nothing without John Randall you overpaid, worthless, ass hamster. I also have a Men With Balls awaiting my stoney perusal.
Men With Balls waiting for me on my doorstep when I got home today. Whoo!
I find it hard to believe Gay Zorro could have a hereditary chain. How would that work … asexual reproduction? Or did his “father” pass it down to him more in a “who’s your daddy” fashion?
/shows self out
Semi-professional actor/dry-cleaner?
What’s with all this commotion? What’s with the commotion? Will someone explain to me what is with this commotion?
Oh, you catty bitches! I could positively scratch your eyes out! How dare you guys talk this way about me!
You suck a couple of dicks in college and then a few more when you’re lving in San Francisco and a few more this morning and suddenly you’re gay.
Get a life, boys!
/sucks a dick.
Did Gruden really lose his virginity to the Notre Dame fight song? I swear I read that once.
Wow, I was crying from laughing so hard. Freaking classic
is it just me, or does he look like a genie in the bottom pic?
I mean, I rubbed the lamp, but all I heard was moaning…
1) John Gruden scowls when he smiles
2) Kevin Carter is a lazy muthafucka
3) Chris Hovan is jacked up on ritalin and Mountain Dew
4) Jeff Garcia is a flaming queen who wears his wedding ring on the wrong ring finger
Oh and this reads like a scene from Nacho Libre, stretchy pants and all…
Missing caption on the last photo:
What has two thumbs, a wedding ring on the wrong finger and sucks cock like a Playmate?
This guy.
I didn’t know that fucking Baby Huey Hovan was still alive, much less playing in the NFL. He’s kind of like Cartman with gingervitis, except not at all likable or funny.
@Shane_Falco & Rocco
Anybody can rent out a playmate as their wife for a couple of years.
See Mike Piaza, Johnnie Morton, etc. The list goes on and on.
/ the engine of Gay Zorro’s van failing to start
“Does anybody have jumper cables?”
I like Jeff Garcia and his hot PMOTY wife. Leave him alone.
I dont know. He married Carmella DeCesare. If thats gay, then sign me up!
Something tells me Chris Hovan owns the comprehensive Nickelback discography.
This sounds like a really shitty remake of the Three Amigos
TJ/
I can’t even get away from Frank TV on the Suzywebs now
Damn it.
/TJ
What the fuck is “miaz”?
fantastic. . . . absolutely fantastic
oh and gay zorro is redundant
How does Warden Goodell know those are gang signs Garcia is flashing? Because the word “hispanic” is printed on the wall behind him, that’s how.
Hovan: Herro prease, we are Chinese peeper too.
brian urlacher would like to challenge jeff garcia/gay zorro in an honor du-el
isn’t gay zorro redundant?
kind of like gay jeff garcia
one more thing…keep gay zorro away from charles haley. He would have to carve his entire name on that thing
Gay Zorro meets…Marmalard in an epic battle for douchey supremacy?
George Hamilton is his father?
“Your gratitude is thanks enough!”
This is the first time I’ve seen the word “epee” outside of a crossword puzzle
I knew there would be a fucking epee reference. Goddammit.
this site needs more gay zorro and less emmitt smiff
Jeff Garcia is so HOT! Man, what I wouldn’t give to have him fuck me in the ass!
Jeff Garcia wearing a wedding ring with a straight (no pun) face is like Leonard Little offering to be the designated driver on all-you-can-drink-toilet-wine night.
*hint – a farce!
I meant, “El Kabongwater.” Dammit. Stupid post-lunch low-grade Alzheimer’s.
*Glove slap, baby, glove slap*
Brilliant, Drew! It reminds me of Ricky Williams’ alter ego, El Kabong.
Maybe John Gruden would get some more respect from Gay Zorro if he changed his name to John Wu-den.
http://www.biologicalfannypack.com/2008/10/things-that-would-be-more-gangsta-if.html
My my, Gruden’s looking spackly today.
Also, Gay Zorro reminds that, “You can’t spell ‘fellates’ without ‘fellas’.”
/needs more quote marks and shit
First Garcia takes on a beautiful beard, and now he dons the mask. Predictable.
Needs more Garcia’s wife, fellas.
It’ll pass? You’d think Gruden would know better.
Gay Zorro might be the most brilliant thing you’ve done yet. I can’t wait until he and Hines Wald cross paths; I don’t think Hines would like a chullo in his tamare.
Is that Chip or Dale? #99?
Gay Zorro demands satisfaction. And cock.