Why Yes, The Red Zone Channel Is Better Than (blank)
You’re currently basking in the afterglow of the first Sunday of football season which means there’s a decent chance you’ve uttered the phrase “Jesus, the Red Zone Channel is better than (blank)” at some point in the past 24 hours. And with damn good reason! You get to watch every damn game, in high definition no less, while Andrew Siciliano acts as your personal remote control for the day. Not only that, but he’s a remote control that tells jokes!
Yes Andrew, I do believe someone lured LenDale White into the endzone with promises of food, now I wonder what’s going on in the Atlanta game…holy shit, touchdown Michael Turner! How the fuck did he do that?!
But how exactly do you fill in the blank? Is the Red Zone Channel better than say, nachos? I say yes. So here’s a list of the great things in life that may or may not pale in comparison to your love for the Red Zone Channel. Fill in the blank however you see fit.
The Red Zone Channel is better than…
-Sex with your favorite celebrity
-Sex with a stranger
-Red meat
-Alcohol
-Nachos
-High quality amateur pornography
-Professional pornography
-Everything else on the internet
-NBC’s Thursday night lineup
-A restful night’s sleep
-Sex with your wife
-Your kids
-Jesus
Add your own in the comments!
Note: For the purposes of this post I am only considering the greatest legal things in the world. So yeah, no weed…yet!
Tags: Best Things Ever, The Red Zone Channel, Unsilent Majority
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September 8th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Nothing is better than sex with a stranger. How would Brady Quinn fulfill his glory hole fantasies without strangers?
September 8th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Do we also get to watch him suck up to Crystal Fernandez in high-definition?
September 8th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
-Sex with your kids
-Unfortunate and unpleasant juxtapositions
September 8th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
…watching Michael and Nate fuck strippers on the bales of weed stacked in the back.
September 8th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
-watching Brady miss the entire season
scratch that, nothing is better than that
September 8th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
-Less publicized “46 Yard Line Channel”
September 8th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
-Better than watching Tom Brady go down like a bitch with a skinned knee and shit.
Why is it better? Because you can watch that in HI DEF! See the detailed pixels that make up his tears of pain. Oh yes! The tears of unfathomable sadness!
September 8th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Ugh. STRONGLY disagree. I fucking hate when I’m with people who constantly game-jump, and when it’s the actual TV doing it I can’t say, “Put the fucking remote down and go buy me some more beer if you’re that bored, dipshit.” I like to pick my games and then catch up. The ideal situation is a bar playing 8 different games at once (with the sound for the Pats game on, natch), but, apart from that, I’d rather just settle in and watch the game I’m intending to watch.
September 8th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Sleeping with Drew’s wife.
September 8th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
- anyone and anything in the world, ever…which is why I’M PISSED THAT IT’S FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO GET DIRECTV IN MANHATTAN
/sobs uncontrollably
September 8th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
FMRA- on a day when your team isn’t playing, there can’t be anything better. watching one game is good and all, but they have commercials and all of that nonsense. At a bar you hear a cheer and you have no idea where to look. By the time you find the right tv they’re already kicking the extra point.
September 8th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Better than tax deferred investing…
September 8th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
im with future mrs. (except for the sound choice – though my game of the day was the only game on at the time – go neckbeard! ps – the fact that frank pointed out that kyle orton’s shenanigans were the subject of much internet photos/discussion/poking-fun was awesome).
though, not flipping channels/games/whatever is prolly more of a chick thing.
September 8th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Red Zone Channel is also bigger than Jesus. Take that, rotting corpse of John Lennon!
September 8th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Mo’bettah den cleaning the gutters an all de other shite on the wife’s list
September 8th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
What’s the Red Zone Channel? Ok, looked it up. Gay. That’s why you put 5 tv’s in your living room like I do and watch them all at the same time. Sound on for the one you really care about, ala FMRA.
Also, UM’s list just made me depressed. Thanks.
September 8th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Note: For the purposes of this post I am only considering the greatest legal things in the world. So yeah, no weed…yet!
So I guess the jury is out for the next 2 years, 2 months, and 15 days on “sex with miley cyrus”.
September 8th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Screw that. My luddite neighbor has cable, and was fucked with the Falcons-Lions shitfest. RZC is a metric fuck ton superior to that, channel jumping and all.
September 8th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
It’s not “a chick thing…” I think it’s just a style thing. I know some people like watching multiple games; it just drives me nuts. Do I go through the NFL schedule and make a ranked list of the games I want to be sure I catch each weekend, then form a plan to maximize my watching time of each one? Why, no. That would be ridiculous.
I can see wanting to catch all the big plays. Again, it’s a style thing: I like the flow (go ahead and make your menstruation jokes, retards) of a football game, and am generally content to catch what I miss on highlight reels later. Maybe I’ll give the Red Zone (speaking of menstruation jokes) another chance during the Pats’ bye week.
September 8th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
@ Head Bee Guy
No shit. Fucking retarded we can’t get this…
ps: Steelers
September 8th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Fine, Jack. During football season no sex, red meat, alcohol, porn, or weed. That pretty much takes care of a good night’s sleep too.
September 8th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Anything is better than being forced to pick between Jets/Dolphins or Eagles/Rams.
As a Giants fan, yesterday kind of sucked, what with the available games in my local market (without going to a bar or purchasing said DirecTV package). Although we’ll always have Tom Brady tearing his ACL.
Hate Hate Hate!
September 8th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
I have to admit I love the RZC and my with my 2 tv hookup I have the game on I wanted to watch (Steeler/Texans) on one and the RZC on the other. One question though, it is better than the Game-mix channel with 8 games on the screen at once? I find myself watching that channel more and more because you can check on multiple games at once and also know when your game of interest is coming back from commercial. To each his own I guess.
/dick joke
/cannot wait for Simmons’ column comparing Brady’s ACL tear to the Kennedy assasination, the Holocaust, 9/11, or most likely for him, all three.
September 8th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I can’t deal with game mix because i’m too slow to switch the audio when necessary. plus everything looks tiny, and that’s on a 50′ screen.
September 8th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
If I had DirectTV, I’d comment, but the better question is why the NFL chose to prop-up DirectTV with the monopoly on the league pass instead of opening it up to all bidders (cable, phone, satellite). Wouldn’t they have gotten more money that way and then we all could experience this Red Zone Channel?
September 8th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Nothing is better than the Red Zone Channel. I’ve been addicted since week 1 last year.
September 8th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
jackin’- the nfl package is directv’s biggest selling point over its competitors so they are willing to pay insane amounts to keep it from going to an open-bid. otherwise they’d probably lose a quarter of their subscribers overnight.
September 8th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
…better than smearing humous on a naked Jessica Alba and pretending my johnson is a pita chip.
September 8th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
What station is the punting channel on?
September 8th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
- giving yourself “the stranger”
September 8th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
I would watch football if there were no announcers whatsoever, but if every player and coach was mic’d. THAT shit would be awesome.
And video from the locker rooms, before the game, halftime and of course, after the game. Cheerleaders’ locker rooms, too, of course. A split screen even, players on one half, cheerleaders on the other.
September 8th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Poops where everything leaves your ass and you barely have to wipe at all
September 8th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Better than a basketful of boobies
/goes to the happy place
September 8th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Better than sex with your wife, kids and jesus at the same time!
Also, what the fuck is the Red Zone channel?
September 9th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
McNulty- That’s called the perfecto.
-Better than punish-sex with futuremrsrickankiel? Involving a Donkey Punch?
March 22nd, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Miley has sold millions and millions of CDs already, and she\’s only 16!! She has tons of fans and will be more popular in the future. Love you, Miley