Vince Young’s Missing Four Hours
Vince Young went missing for four hours last night. Rumors abound of a possible mental breakdown. Well, we at KSK don’t like to speculate. We prefer to get the fucking FACTS. Here now is what transpired in those four hours that Vince Young was MIA.
7:00 PM – Young stumbles into top area hair salon. Sits in chair. Demands shaved head. Despite protestations from salon owner Gerry Jovel that he has “absolutely gorgeous, nappy roots,” Young persists. Jovel reports Young is slurring words and “wobbling badly”.
7:25 PM – Confronted by pushy paprazzi, Young assaults them with an umbrella.
7:45 PM – Young, now barefoot and only wearing his underwear, walks into local Victoria’s Secret and makes quick friends with two local teenage girls. He tries on various outfits for the girls, not bothering to use the changing room, often asking the girls, “Do I still look pretty?” One of the teens, local girl Stacy Johnson says, “He didn’t strike me as crazy at all. I think he just really wanted a friend. He was really very sweet.”
8:12 PM – Young absconds with nearby baby and goes for a joyride in a stolen Corvette with it in the front seat. Shouts out to nearby motorists, “I AIN’T USIN’ NO CAR SEAT CAUSE I’M COUNTRY!”
8:57 PM – Young binges on ice cream and raw cookie dough. Gains 700 pounds and acquires horrible acne.
9:34 PM – Young gets out of a limo and is photographed with his cock clearly hanging out of his pants.
10:00 PM – Young conducts tearful interview with Matt Lauer. Forgets to wear makeup. Looks like the corpse of Anna Nicole Smith.
10:12 PM – Local judge takes away Young’s kids, giving custody to his layabout baby momma, Kendra “Megahead” Fetterlang, who then sells the children in order to finance a hip hop album. Judge places Young’s dad in control of all his assets.
10:13 PM – Young checks into Promises, Malibu.
10:14 PM – Young escapes from Promises, Malibu.
10:16 PM – Young goes to a nightclub in pink wig, uses toilet without closing the door.
10:35 PM – Drives into middle of desert. Buys a York Peppermint Pattie. Returns home.
10:50 PM – Embarasses self at VMA’s by dancing awkwardly and declaring, “It’s Vince, bitch.”
11:00 PM – Young forcefully strapped to gurney by local paramedics, escorted to local psychiatric ward.
Tags: comparisons to Cruise also accepted, ksk group posts, photoshops by Ape
September 9th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
I can’t for VY to start dating a member of the paparazzi.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
* can’t wait
/dummy
September 9th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
10:30 Meets up with Barrett Robbins for a late night theray session.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
*therapy
September 9th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
10:45 – hangs out with several of Hershel Walker’s multiple personalities.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
That was phenomenal.
Well done KSK, another post I am sending off to friends, family, and my minister.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
If VY’s the Britney of the NFL, who’s Lindsay Lohan? Who’s Paris Hilton? Who’s Brangelina? Why do I know more about these people than my own cousins?
September 9th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
That was pretty much how I figured his night transpired, only with less food, percasets and Jeff Fisher Grizzly Adams’ beards.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
You guys are on fire today. Second time today that I couldn’t laugh quiety at work.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
you forgot the 12 posts about Vince on WWTDD.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
LEAVE VINCE ALONE!!!!!!!!!
September 9th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Drives into middle of desert. Buys a York Peppermint Pattie.
Those 7-11s are everywhere.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Lindsay Lohan is Ricky Williams (she got kicked off movies because of her drugs), Reggie Bush is Paris Hilton (famous even though he hasn’t really done anything in the NFL), Brangelina is Brett Favre and John Madden (no explanation). Who would the Amy Winehouse, Nicole Ritchie of the NFL, or the Jeremy Shockey, Rex Grossman, Kyle Orton of Hollywood?
September 9th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Nicole Ritchie is Chris Simms. Famous because of his dad.
Amy Winehouse is Chris Henry. Or Matt Jones.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Man, Vince Young has got the ashiest legs I’ve ever seen. He looks like he’s been kicking a bag of flour down the street. Get some lotion on those things!
September 9th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
9:35 – Stops at local SUV dealer and buys another one identical to the one he’s driving so he “can see hisself coming & going”.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Kyle Orton is obviously Tara Reid
September 9th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
No Mack Brown music video about Vince leaving him for the pros?
September 9th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Do yourself a favor, when Vince is getting out of a car, DO NOT look up his skirt.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Vince must have Tom Brady on his fantasy team
September 9th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Jeremy Shockey = Dane Cook
Rex Grossman = Sean Wm Scott (or whatever that guy’s name is)
September 9th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
also i would go Winehouse or Lohan = Chris Henry. don’t think Ricky’s ever been arrested
September 9th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Jeremy Shockey is Colin Farell.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
+1 grimey
September 9th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Well that sounds just about right… I seent it!
September 9th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
That’s what I’m TALKIN about, Ape. Random heads on bodies! YEAH!!!!! OH, YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!
September 9th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Bill Belichick = Michael Ironside
September 9th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Tank Johnson = Suge Knight (Wait, that might already by true.)
September 9th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Rick Williams= Matthew Mcconaughey
September 9th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
I know there’s no precedent for this, but can we get Justin Fargas to play a random street pimp who gives out information to detectives?
September 9th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
This shit seems familiar, kind of like what happened to Brittney Spears
…whoaaaa, wait a second “photoshops by Ape” WTF happened to bad MS Paint? Dont make me come to KSK HQ and knock your asses down a peg of four.
September 9th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
@ Animal Mother:
I think we all know Fred Smoot is Huggy Bear.
/holy crap that’s actually Antonio Fargas’ son!
September 9th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Matt Leinart = K-Fed
September 9th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
@ J4B
Score on the Michael Ironside reference. If Belichick follows MI’s lead from “Scanners” and “Total Recall”, we can expect him to make someone’s head explode, then have his arms ripped off by an elevator and fall to his death down a Martian mineshaft.
September 9th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
@BMTB: Matt Leinart would really be Rick Solomon
what…too easy?
/parishilton
September 9th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Seabass Janikowski = Gary Dourdan
September 9th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
I’d just like you to acknowledge that I clamored for random heads on top of bodies yesterday only to be torn to shreads for said desire. Then the next day you delivered random heads on top of bodies.
Just admit you were wrong, then we can all move on from this sordid episode.
September 9th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Never!
September 10th, 2008 at 8:26 am
Don’t worry The Gooch, I still love you.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:07 am
Thank you, Christmas Ape. Your denial apology is accepted.
And thank you, Italian Spiderman. That means a lot to me.
September 11th, 2008 at 1:32 am
Screw ya’ll. Austin, tX