Tonight, The Final Battle Between Good And Evil Begins… With A Very Long, Spoiler-Laden Preview
Very Deep Announcer Voice: Tonight… They were just ordinary people…
Claire: God, I feel so ordinary despite my flawless skin and supple curves. I always felt like I was destined for something more…
Very Deep Announcer Voice: Who discovered they had EXTRAORDINARY powers…
Claire: Holy shit! I can heal! And this season I turn into an even HOTTER future self! Without a douchebag flying emo boyfriend! GO CLAIRE!
Very Deep Announcer Voice: Powers they can only begin to even comprehend…
Peter Petrelli: My God! I can absorb anyone else’s powers! Except for the ability to turn in a credible acting performance!
Very Deep Announcer Voice: And tonight, they discover they are not alone…
Ronnie Brown: Great Scott! I can score five touchdowns in a single game, so long as I’m tethered to everyone’s fantasy bench!
Very Deep Announcer Voice: That there are others out there just like them…
Brian Westbrook: I can get injured just as fantasy owners are beginning to trust me!
Very Deep Announcer Voice: Some who want to use their powers for good…
Hines: Finaree, Ando and I wirr use sold of Takezo Kensei to batter virrins, instead of being stuck in sterrpid feuderr Japanese subprot! If I sclunch up eyes velly tight, I catch pass flum Jeem Mirror!
Very Deep Announcer Voice: And some who want to use their powers for EVIL…
Jerry: Baby, lemme take you for a ride in Double J One! Once I’m airborne, the ol’ Double-J can flood your poon delta in under five minutes flat!
Niki: Don’t you see I’m having an epic inner struggle with the spirit of my dead sister, who lives inside me?
Jerry: Sweetheart, no one gives a shit about your boring little character. NOW TAKE OFF THEM PANTIES AND LET ME GIVE YOU A REAL TASTE OF ARKINSAW SIRLOIN!
Very Deep Announcer Voice: And some who don’t quite grasp the consequences of their actions…
Tommy: I CAN FACKIN’ MAKE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME AND MY FACKIN’ TOWN!!! MATTY CASSEL HAS BETRAYED US ALL! WE DID NAWT DESERVE TO LOSE TO THOSE MIAMI FAGGOTS! FACK YOU!!!!!
Very Deep Announcer Voice: …And tonight, they will discover an enemy with powers far beyond what they ever could have imagined.
Horn Rimmed Glasses Guy: Who, me? I’m just a paper salesman… a very creepy paper salesman who brings a creepy Haitian dude with him wherever he goes and kinda looks like he wants to nail his smoking hot adopted daughter… Can I interest you in a ream of Canary Lined Legal?
Very Deep Announcer Voice: No, not that guy…
Sylar: I can trick idiot Indian doctors and superfluous Latin Americans characters into thinking I actually have good intentions, despite my clearly shady demeanor.
Very Deep Announcer Voice: Not that guy either. No, this is a villain so evil, so nefarious, so ruthlessly cunning that even their EXTRAORDINARY POWERS are no match for it. He is a man so cunning, he can tell any lie, AND HAVE YOU BELIEVE IT.
Carl Peterson: I believe the fact that we got completely fucking destroyed in our first three games is a sign of just how much potential this young team has.
Sylar: Oh no! If I eat his brain, my own brain will stop functioning!
Carl Peterson: That’s right! MWAHAHAHAHAHA
Parkman: I can’t read his mind! There’s nothing in it but combs and seal blubber oil!
Carl Peterson: MWAHAHAHAHAHA
Molly: I can find anyone on Earth at any time, except for a decent lineman on the St. Louis Rams.
Carl Peterson: You’ll never find me! I’m tucked discreetly inside the decayed asshole of Lamar Hunt’s corpse!
Very Deep Announcer Voice: TONIGHT, they will have to pick sides. They will have to choose between good and evil. Between right and wrong. Between rooting for the Chiefs, or giving up on them altogether. It all begins TONIGHT, and will drag out through numerous subplots that will only serve to distract and annoy you. TONIGHT.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, fanboygasm, Heroes, HRG is the best character, nerds geeks dweebs herbs and assorted loserdom, please kill Maya, that Mrs. Petrelli cunt is no good, wish i had a DVR
September 22nd, 2008 at 10:47 am
Nerd.
Now show me more pictures of Hayden!
September 22nd, 2008 at 10:47 am
“wish i had a DVR”
Drew spend some of that book advance money and get dvr, I thought everyone with kids had dvr. Me and the wife will be dvr’ing Heroes tonight.
September 22nd, 2008 at 10:52 am
That was a mighty potpurri of pop-culture references.
Watch out BDD, you are flirting with the line of Bill Simmons-dom.
September 22nd, 2008 at 10:54 am
Hells yes.
The Hines line is the first time I’ve actually laughed out loud at that gag — and, no, I’m not using the fucking abbreviation — and the Peterson supervillain thing makes perfect sense. He’s certainly sucking my will to live.
September 22nd, 2008 at 10:55 am
Am I the only person who completely forgot that this show existed? I don’t even remember how the second season ended. Fucking writers strike.
September 22nd, 2008 at 10:57 am
Do The Office next!
September 22nd, 2008 at 10:58 am
Did I say second season? I meant abortion.
September 22nd, 2008 at 10:58 am
UU,
I hear you. Fuck Jets-vs.-Chargers, it’s Nerd Night tonight!
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:06 am
any word on B-west????
*watching hereos dvr’d at halftime makes monday’s thrice as good*
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:15 am
too bad it’s too late for the Pats to go 0-16. Perhpas hope for next year.
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:22 am
ZOMG GOSSIP GIRL IS SO MUCH BETTER
/Chuck Bass could have totally his way with me and I’m not ashamed to admit it
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:23 am
I may have to start searching for another site for my football news. I don’t have a fucking clue what just happend. Whoever that Hayden chick is, she’s hot. And Ali is niiiiiice too. Other than than, WTF? Heros? Seriously? People watch shit like that?
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:26 am
It seems my excitement at the idea of fucking Chuck Bass is affecting my ability to construct sentences. That should read “could totally have his way with me.”
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:28 am
I may have to start searching for another site for my football news.
Please do. What are you, four goddamn years old?
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:30 am
LET ME GIVE YOU A REAL TASTE OF ARKINSAW SIRLOIN!
I can die happy now.
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:33 am
fuck this show. horrible writing, too many pointless characters and storylines that go nowhere.
/married with a kid and 2 dvr’s
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:34 am
I don’t come here for any football news. I come here for the Patriot hate, betting tips and sexy Friday.
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:36 am
Now, I know Marmalard can’t be in every skit, but seriously, what the fuck? If levitating a football for 30 seconds isn’t a superpower, than I don’t know what is.
\Good work
\\How the hell did ESPN/MNF choose the Chargers-(Pre-Favre) Jets over IND-JAC or PIT-PHI?
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:41 am
who comes here for football news? there’s tons of sites for that, but only one with Hines Wald, Marmalard, and Tawmmy (who needs his own post on the lastest Pats loss)
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:42 am
Top shelf, although I feel that Tawmmy from Bahstan’s power to impregnate unwed high school girls and boost Altira’s stock price despite his limited means should be delved into further this season
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:50 am
@ Rocco
I don’t like x show and neither should you.
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:52 am
I sure hope that that character they killed off last season is back for more. These characters get resurrected more often than Jesus.
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:56 am
This one reeked of Double J from the start.
Cosign whoever made the Bill Simmon’s reference.
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:02 pm
That’s all fine and good, but WHERE DID THEY MOVE THE ISLAND?????
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Joey Porter say “I’m def down wit dat show. Who gunna cuddle with Joey Porter?”
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:06 pm
bear grylls is attempting to survive 72 hours in the raiders organization in this week’s man vs. wild.
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:08 pm
I would also like to take this opportunity to complain about the fact that not one of this site’s writers has ever kissed Suzy Kolber.
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Dexter kicks heroes ass. This Sunday on Showtime….check it
/Going to start a nerd flame war
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:14 pm
I appoligzie for my inability to express my sarcasm properly. I didn’t think anyone comes here for real news. Four years old? Huh? You got me Drew.
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:17 pm
If you want to know where 4-year-olds go on the internet, might I suggest you contact Pete Townshend?
I hear he’s writing a book on the subject…
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:20 pm
@SSB, I’m hoping Drew does “Entourage” next. Everyone knows that it is the coolest show on t.v.
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Wheres Marmalard?
Ya betta ask somebodaaaaay?
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:30 pm
HRG is the best character
By far.
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:39 pm
@ slothrop – a-fucking-men
@ UU – entourage totally rocks, brah. i bet being famous is 100% exactly like that. and just as funny.
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:41 pm
@Updtate Underdog:
I don’t believe “Entourage” displays the textured intricacies worthy of parody in such a resplendent blog as KSK.
More ‘Hine Wald Clay-zee Siterratun An Adwentull Supel Smirre Time’!
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:42 pm
It’s hard not to vote for HRG as the best character, but come on… Sylar! He fucking feasts on people’s brains!
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Ted Sprague was bad ass. The guy could become radioactive. Who can fuck with that?
September 22nd, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Donde esta senior PACMAN? If hay-dun like ta spread it, pac man down wid it. Fuck all dat supa powah bullshit. Make dat azz all kinda sloppy.
/at least we heard from ol tawmmy.
//Hayden vs Megan Fox in oil wrestlin. JAFO to ref the match. Booya.
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Nothing [flew open].
WTF?
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Is this the episode where Tawmmy puts on his Sawx jersey and tearfully walks out of Foxboro with his half-consumed bottle of Jameson’s? Because I’d pay to see that episode.
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:21 pm
I don’t know what that show’s about, but that last chick is really hot.
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I may have to start searching for another site for my football news.
Please do. What are you, four goddamn years old?
You forgot to add “Yep, these are my readers”….although with the content of BS’s Friday Post, I ike the idea of BBD stealing from him.
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:27 pm
@ The Gooch
Ha. Well done.
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:57 pm
who comes here for football news?
The same people who get life advice from “Cathy” comic strips.
September 22nd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
I need my Marmalard fix. I was also expecting a solo rant from Tawmmy from Quinzee. Help me out, guys.
September 22nd, 2008 at 3:00 pm
You can’t fucking blame HRG. I want to bang his smoking hot adopted daughter too. Especially when she’s wearing that way too prim cheerleader skirt.
Yay heroes!
September 22nd, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Also, Hines Ward as Hiro made me piss myself. Thanks.
September 22nd, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Hahahahaha, Jerry Jones is so evil. He’s the evilest. That JJ. Evil JJ more like it. What an evil guy, that Jerry is. He’s just a big bad evil jerry. He’s so evil that he makes the Tom and Gissele private party at the NFL Draft with Lamar Hunt and Wellington Mara’s evil spirits pouring drinks and the entire faculty of BYU drunkenly trying to convert (read: Abduct) every draftee look like an episode of carebears. Evil.
September 22nd, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Excuse the obvious but… Niki, may I introduce Purple Helmeted Warrior to your sister? He’ll knock on any door.
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:43 pm
Claire has a big ass camel toe in that picture. Alas I still want to fuck her.
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:44 am
Carl Peterson: You’ll never find me! I’m tucked discreetly inside the decayed asshole of Lamar Hunt’s corpse!
/LOLROFL tears and all holding stomach in so much good fun pain
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:46 am
Tyler Thigpen Says: Alas I still want to fuck her.
Let’s DP her.