Those Giants REALLY Know How To Masturbate The Ball Down The Feel!
When I look at tonight’s eric battalion between the Giants and Redskins, I want to pay close introspection to the running backs. I think the running backs could be the divisive imminent of tonight’s game. You look at the Giants. They have Brandon Jacobs. They have Ahmad Bradshaw. One’s got power. The other one’s got speed and effusiveness. Together, those two make a heckuva pontoon in the backfeel. Bradshaw is so fast! He don’t drink no decapitated coffee in the morning! You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contemplate him!
You look at the Giants, you talk about a team that really knows how to masturbate that ball down the feel. No doubt. They’ve got it down to a teepee. They ejaculate great conference in their running game. They want to wear you down and drain your Stamfordia, Connecticut. They want to dish out the furnishment here.
Now, on the fliphand, you have the Redskins’ backfeel. You look at Clinton Portis and Ladell Betts. That’s a very portent combine. You get those two going, and your defense will get FIASCOED! Just flat out trampolined. MASSACRATED! And that would be a catastory for any defensive cooperator. It’s very ironic.
But on the other fliphand, you also have to look at the defenses. To beat these backs, you have to be VERY intimating. You have to put up a formittenable front four! Otherwise, they will masturbate the ball up and down the feel continentally. And will flabberpack anyone. When I look at these teams, I see a real drudge match. It’s like the irrefutable four versus the immodium project! GOOD VERSUS EVIL! TOTAL ARMANDASSANTE!
If I’m the defensive cooperator of either team, I say to my men, “Guys, we have to be physicalitated. We have to be resentless. We can do it. We have the interestinal latitude and the aptitude, the MAXIPAD, to get this done. We’re gonna be aggressivated. Belitterent. We will deride and constipate. We’re gonna proliferate that o-line and leave them decemberated. If we just pollinate with our renumeration, we can gravitize the whole interstitial Delorean of the castrating municipalation. TIME FOR US TO ELATE OUR GAME!”
That’s what I’d tell them.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
I think I’m now permanently cross-eyed thanks to that last paragraph.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
GOOD VERSUS EVIL! TOTAL ARMANDASSANTE!
Was able to contain the laughter until right there. Always good to see Emmitt around these parts.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Drew, are you warming up with a few small tokes here before the big bong hit at 2, or just easing back into the couch with a one-hitter cause you finished the Jambaroo?
either way, more Emmiff
September 4th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
I heard that when Emmitt Smith was with the Cowboys he was considered a dangerous intellectual.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
I made it all the way through till the second to last line. That one broke my brain.
Thank you BDD, now I don’t have to be productive the rest of the day.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
I am seriously reveling in this orgy of dick jokes. Bravo! Keep em cummin!
September 4th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
these emmiff posts take me 10 times longer to read than any other, no matter what the length. i feel my vocabulary has certainly expounded after reading this.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Excrement work, Drew. You really captivated the way Emmitt speakeasies.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I mean to add a:
/slide whistle
/timpani
/spring noise
to the end of that joke. FYI.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I love Emmitt, but he’s certifiably retarded.
“MASSACRATED” I completely lost it there. I believe my IQ has fallen a couple of points, thanks Drew.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Every student should have a Roget’s Brontosaurus and a Merriam & Webster’s Collegial Dictation.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Hines Wald say, you speak rike a dlunken chinaman. Shop dlinking on da job you irritirate plick!
September 4th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
(Types through tears)
‘It’s like the irrefutable four versus the immodium project!’
Outstanding!
That’s the shits!
/wipes self
September 4th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
This is the most difficult reading I’ve had since Marbury v. Madison.
September 4th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
@make it snow: How about this — Marbury v. Madison, as read by Emmitt Smiff.
September 4th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Hysterectical!
September 4th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
steve young’s head just comploaded
September 4th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
while norm crosby approves, he fears emmit may have suffraged too many concubines in his playing daze.
you, bdd, are a game day player. out-facking-standing.
September 4th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Wow. I… I just don’t know.
You broke it! You broke my brain!
I’m lunging figuratively to forward Emmit Smiff conflagrations.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Unbereavable job!
/shit, that was Hines
//coulda been Emmitt
///naw, definitely Hines
September 4th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Big Daddy, you have puncturated my cereal kotex!
September 4th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
He’s also a hell of a dancer.
September 4th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
There was a skit on “In Living Color” where David Allan Grier and Damon Wayans played two prison inmates that talked just like Emmiff. Thanks for the flashback, Drew.
September 4th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
I think my grad students must attend Emmitt Smiff speechin’ school.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
I don’t even know what MAXIPAD was supposed to be substituted for, but that killed me.
“We will deride and constipate” was also pretty spectacular.
September 4th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
but do the cheerleaders got big breasteses?
AH GOT TA HAVE EM!