These Extra Two Weeks Off Will Give Me the Time I Need to Savor Beating My Wife
When you have the rush-rush lifestyle of an NFL superstar, you find that you really have trouble taking time to enjoy the simple pleasures. Grabbing lunch with friends. Catching a double feature at the local theatre. Working on a house project. Strangling your wife with an extension cord while kneeing her in the ribs. It all gets lost in the mix.
That’s why during this two-week suspension, I’m really going to commit some time to savoring the beatdown I’m administering to the missus. I might even hire a decent videographer to capture it for us. It’ll be something we can treasure when we get old and want to look back. Presuming I haven’t killed her by then, that is.
Sure, the off-season is fun for marathon sessions of ritualized beatings until she’s lying trembling in the bathtub wrapped in the shower curtain and weeping like a child. But what about the five months a year when we have to settle for a quickie me-pushing-her-down-the-stairs before heading off to practice? A good marriage requires commitment.
This is really something I want to push on the team. Recently, I’ve told Eli I’d really like to pummel that cute wife of his. He’s not so sure. I tell you, that’s a warning sign right there. Can’t blame him, though. You really do get caught up in the grind. I can’t understand why so many retired NFL players are susceptible to depression when they have so much time to dedicate to beating their spouses to a pulpy mess.
So, thanks, Coach Coughlin. This suspension might be just the thing to save our marriage. But if you tell the fucking cops, they’ll find parts of you in each of your desk drawers.
Tags: plaxico is dumb, xmas ape
September 25th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
…lying trembling in the bathtub wrapped in the shower curtain and weeping like a child.
Wow. You’ve really outdone yourself this time, Ape.
September 25th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Don’t judge Plaxico. We all have different hobbies.
September 25th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I never noticed how much Plaxico looks like Adebisi from Oz.
Sounds like he acts like him too.
September 25th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
To be fair, he *dropped* his wife down the stairs.
September 25th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Ah you fackin sehious? The greatest slawt receivah evah not named white wes welkah retihed today and you ah wastin time on this dahkie?
/Tommyed
Ok that was terrible but I had to try.
September 25th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
“I never noticed how much Plaxico looks like Adebisi from Oz”
He and Adebisi know how to treat a prag. Also, you rarely see it, but Plaxico always wears a little cap on the side of his head- even under his helmet.
September 25th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
If Plaxico Burress isn’t going to beat Plaxico Burress’ wife, who else will?
September 25th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Ah, spousal abuse. Is there anything you can’t make funny?
September 25th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
What do you call a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. She didn’t listen the first two times you called.
September 25th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
I suggest that Plax and the rest of the Giants use their time in the film room. Maybe some Kung Fu movies to learn about wife beating technique and discipline.
September 25th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Tiffany of course is a lawyer.
September 25th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
So is it safe to assume the happiest day of Plaxico’s life was not when he got married or won the SuperBowl but when he first reached back and cracked his wife across the mouth for not putting enough cheddar in the cheese grits.
You know – one of those slaps where you reach back below your left back pocket and make sure to hold the follow though up high even after she hits the ground or countertop. It must have been a very liberating feeling for Plexico.
September 25th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
So, possibly related to spousal abuse, the current ad I am seeing below the siteheader is for chnlove which appears to be a chinese mail-order bride type thing. It’s coming from google, which uses keywords found on the site to pick which adds to show. Now what does this say about this blog and it’s readers(myself included)
September 25th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
@ryno: What is that like a Jean Claude Van Damme Bloodsport bitch slap you are describing? He was always the gayest at holding the follow through!!
September 25th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
well, in his defense it was the second time that day that she told him about running into betty down at the grocery store.
September 25th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
“Hey, Plaxico! What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?”
“Smack the bitch!”
September 25th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
@ Boomer – I thought she lost her balance and fell down the stairs?
September 25th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
re: GZB272868 on chnlove
if a 47 y.o. woman from Hunei is 65kg and 171kg, and you thwack her with 55 ft-lbs of backhand, how many feet does she fly? How many meters?
September 25th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
I’m so glad this was brought up.
How in the HELL did that little cap thingy stay on Adebisi’s head? I have had this conversation ad nauseum with friends and I have yet to get a plausible answer.
Give it up, Otto and Gino.
September 25th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Im not a Plax fan, but I do know that theres no attitude deficiency in a woman that a good shaking cant dislodge. Sometimes you gotta show the hen who the rooster is.
Cant wait til Eli goes domestic on his wife.
September 25th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
@TurleyGirlie
Fear, that’s how. That little cap wanted NO part of an angry Adebisi.
September 25th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
@TurleyGirlie
Homer Simpson wore the same Adebisi cap when he was a prison snitch.
September 25th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
You think Said snatched it off his head and stomped it after he stabbed him?
I would have.
September 25th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Marathon sessions of ritualized beatings until she’s lying trembling in the bathtub wrapped in the shower curtain and weeping like a child.
Damn Ape, you need to get yourself some help…kicking that bitch’s ass.
/seriously wow dude.
September 25th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
[i]How in the HELL did that little cap thingy stay on Adebisi’s head? I have had this conversation ad nauseum with friends and I have yet to get a plausible answer.[/i]
Part of his morning routine was letting Schillinger jack off on the back his skull. You didn’t know that?
September 25th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
looks like someone else may need his very own “that’s just wrong” tag . . ,
September 25th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
What? Plaxico doesn’t go to practice.
September 25th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Her name is Tiffany. I say the bitch probably had it coming, just because of that.
September 26th, 2008 at 5:24 am
Step your game up Plax
September 26th, 2008 at 9:33 am
I’m shocked this was written by someone other than Ufford.
September 26th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Plax is gonna spend time off with emmitt masturbating the ball down the feel.
September 26th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Wait, did I just see Plax southbound on the Joisey Pike in a white Bronco with Jeremy Shockey?
September 27th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
aw c’mon, you know he wouldn’t have to beat her if he didn’t love her so much, give the guy a break….