The World Hates You, Lee Evans
Dear Lee,
We’ve held a few fantasy drafts the past month or so, and if there was a recurring theme to all of our draft events, it was this:
Everyone hates you, Lee Evans.
Oh, how we loooooathe you. No one wanted to draft you, and once you finally fell to the double digit rounds, the person who drafted you inevitably picked you thusly:
“God dammit. I guess I’ll the asshole that takes Lee Evans.”
Follow that with a wistful sigh and you get the picture. Such was our disgust that we didn’t even draft the receivers above and below your name on the draft board, for fear of your shittiness being a contagion, a new strain of execrable awfulness. We couldn’t even say your name without feeling violently ill, like a spoiled child having to say, “I’m sorry”. You bring out the worst in us. Because you ARE the worst of us.
The world is fed up with you, Lee Evans. We, the collective people of Earth, have really had enough of your glaring inconsistency, your ability to have one monster game at the precise moment you have been benched, and the way you manage to not only suck the other weeks, but how you manage to be practically invisible while you are sucking. The average receiver having a shitty game means 3 catches for 40 yards or something like that. But that is a fucking festival of production next to your off days.
We are traumatized. By you. Your play is like rape.
You are shit. We do not mean to be rude. But it’s true. You are a cold dribble of liquid, rancid doodoo. You make regular shit smell like strawberry ice cream. You are a pile of week-old shit covered in brown piss and then doused with tar. You are diseased and horrible. You are not only a terrible receiver, but you are also a terrible person, largely because you are a terrible receiver.
No one likes you, Lee Evans. Everyone hates you and wishes you nothing but ill fortune and misery. If anyone says hi to you on the street, it’s because that’s the only thing they can say to you without wanting to jump on top of you and stomp the life out of your body while screaming YOU FUCKING BUST!!! DON’T YOU REALIZE I HAVE MONEY INVESTED IN YOU, YOU FUCKING CHEESE-EATING COCK?!
You may think people are being nice to you, but rest assured, when your back is turned, we the people, all 6.6 billion of us, are secretly plotting your final hours. We even have a name for your demise: “THE EVANS RESOLUTION.” We haven’t figured out exactly how it will play out. We may throw you into a steep gorge. Or we may all sneak up behind you and choke you with a tire iron. We don’t know. You don’t know. But it will happen. Oh, yes it will. Because we do not like you. At all. We’ve all agreed on THAT, to be certain.
Maybe you should move somewhere far away, with lots of remote jungles and caves with stalactites. That might be best for everyone, Lee Evans. Because the world hates you. Many people say global warming is caused by carbon dioxide. It is not. It is caused by the burning, white-hot rages your pathetic visage ignites in all of us. That’s right. You suck so fucking bad, you killed the polar bears.
You are a murderer.
In conclusion, get fucked.
Sincerely,
Everyone
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, bukkake day, just kidding lee we love you, mean things, not too crazy about lee evans the actor either, tarr leceivell, used the royal we and kinda liked it, we're not kidding lee we hate you
September 4th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Twice I was saddled with this Buffalo Billweed. Not this year.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
I think everyone I know has been cursed with this bane to mankind.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
I thought Leitch wrote for New York Magazine.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Hey!
How about a fucking carriage return before my eyes bleed?
September 4th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
I hate Lee Evans because I’m a Bills fan. He went in the 10th round of my draft. I’ve seen people handle radioactive material with less hesitation than picking Evans for their fantasy team.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Wow, makes me feel good about getting him in my draft last night.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
That formatting problem was my fault. Drew said he had goat porn commented out in the code on his post, and I just had to see.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Seriously? There is now shit planted in the code of your posts. That’s insane.
I found the link but will NEVER click on it…………at work
September 4th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Also, you might want to know that the idea that Drew put a link to goat porn in his post didn’t seem wierd at all. I don’t know if that says more about me or this site.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Contract year. Everyone pissed by his inconsistencies. Especially Drew. God says: GREATEST.FANTASY.SEASON.EVER.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
I have had him twice and hated him both times.
Except for the one game a year when he would inexplicably go for 200+ and 3Td’s. Then I love the bastard.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I had him two years, one magical years of 1200 yards and 8 TDs….. oh what a tease, playing a little “just the tip” so I would pick him up again the next year, when he gets like half the yards. Unfortunately, I’m such a homer I had to draft Marshawn Lynch in the second, because nothing makes for an epic ff season like hanging your hopes on the Bills offense
September 4th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
I didn’t know Vince Young was a writer here. Of course, he is the one QB you haven’t called gay.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
No one drafted Lee Evans in both of my drafts this year. NO. ONE.
That speaks volumes for how much we’d like to see him sleeping with the fishes. Shoulda been you Lee Evans instead of Sean Taylor…shoulda been you.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Your play is like rape…….That is classic
/gives standing ovation
September 4th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Change “Sincerely, Everyone” to “Love, Mom” and you’ve got a winner.
September 4th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
“You are a pile of week-old shit covered in brown piss and then doused with tar.” - Because tar seals in the wholesome goodness of shit.
He’s the suckiest sucker that ever did suck. Lee Evans is like herpes, the gift that keeps on giving, or in this case, fucking you over, week after week after week after week. Just fill in the zero for his score now. In pen.
September 4th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
he wasn’t taken until late in my drafts and everyone piled on the dumbass who took him. i’m saddled with this cocktaster in a dynasty league. i fucking hate this clown.
September 4th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Where is the goat porn?
September 4th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Not that I ever do, but no joke here. Just want to mention that he did have J.P. and Trent throwing to him last year, and Fairchild calling the plays.
/trying to defend the “home team” I don’t even like.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
He is the prime example of a horrible team, an even worse offense and the worst qb’s ever (except Balitmore).
Once he leaves Buffalo his true talents will come out…..1300 yds & 8 td.
Until then it is like rape….and not the good kind.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
I have had him twice and hated him both times.
Funny, that’s what women say about Drew.
September 4th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
i got him.. late watch 1300 yds ten touchdowns… or he’ll sit the bench
September 4th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
I have more reason to hate Lee Evans than anyone I believe…
In four of my five leagues last year, I had a choice between some random WR named “Moss, Randy” and Mr. Lee Evans at the early stages of Round 4. In *all* four of these drafts… who did I choose? Lee fucking Evans. Fuck you, Lee Evans. I may have been a dumbass for ranking Moss one spot behind you, but you had no need to rub that shit in my face for 17 fucking weeks. FOAD.
September 4th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Real life forces me to love Lee Evans. Met him in a bar in Buffalo about a month after he got drafted, he was actually “normal” and not a douche. Then he paid our entire $300 tab. He has earned immunity from me.
September 4th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
Funny thing will be when Evans has a monster year this year. It’s going to happen, and everyone here knows it.
September 5th, 2008 at 8:31 am
I just threw up a bit in my mouth, 7 dollars for Lee in an auction draft.
September 6th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
I had this fetid twat on my team last year and I got the clap.
September 6th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
I hope he puts up 400 yds and 6 tds tomorrow on Uffords ‘hwks.
September 7th, 2008 at 9:59 am
I hope similar letters were also sent to Kevin Jones, Jerry Porter, and Eric Moulds.