The NFL Season Is Finally Here, And No One Is More Prepared Than Me
Perhaps more than ever, this year promises to bring a unique level of excitement to the National Football League. Even after the Patriots historic run last season, the field is incredibly tight, and toward the end of the season, any team in the League could find itself within striking distance of a world championship.
I have to admit that my film study hasn’t been the same as in years past. This offseason, I only managed to watch 4, 295,813 hours of videotape on NFL teams, and that was while watching one game per eye, while reading play-by-play accounts of two other games in Braille with each foot. It’s true that age affects the performance of everyone in the National Football League, and those who cover it are no exception.
The Cleveland Browns will be hard-pressed to repeat their success from a year ago, as they play one of the toughest schedules in the league this season. Derek Anderson’s concussion in the preseason might affect his play, which could open the door for newcomer Brady Quinn. If he could be successful, the Browns would be the first team to reach the postseason with an openly gay quarterback, and an openly homophobic tight end. We could be witnessing history in the making.
Tonight’s game is going to be an absolute firefight, positioned on the flimsy arms of quarterbacks Eli Manning and Jason Campbell. My film study shows that Campbell has a much darker pigmentation than the younger Manning, which will give him difficulty at the quarterback position.
For tonight’s matchup I’ll be perched in my recliner with an assortment of British pornography. With the advent of DVR comes the ability to watch football whenever I choose. And while the start of a new football season stands merely hours away, only a different sort of videotape can quench the thrist of the loins.
Tags: british people think white socks are for dorks, MMP, ronnie jaws
September 4th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Where da fack is everyone? Hello? Ma?
September 4th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
I was hoping for a Shelly Smith reference. I’ll settle for a mention of Horseballs.
September 4th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
My film study shows that Campbell has a much darker pigmentation than the younger Manning, which will give him difficulty at the quarterback position.
Fuck me blind … I think I just shat my pants from laughing so hard.
September 4th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
/doug williams approves, although he prefers porn of the scandinavian variety.
September 4th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Best day in the history of KSK? I think so.
September 4th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
The only thing missing today was a Tony ‘Dice’ Sparano post. I was really hoping that little weasal would pop by.
September 4th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
I only managed to watch 4, 295,813 hours of videotape on NFL teams, and that was while watching one game per eye, while reading play-by-play accounts of two other games in Braille with each foot.
holy shit that’s a funny image. for some reason i picture him strapped down in an electric chair.
September 4th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
A guy named Jaworski is into British porn? You’d think it would be all Soviet bloc porn all the time.
September 4th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Just don’t imagine Jaws’ cadence during this post. It’s especially terrifying when you add the Jaws Pause after ‘quench.’
September 4th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
I, too, have a heavy thrist for hot NFL action tonight
September 5th, 2008 at 8:19 am
“My film study shows that Campbell has a much darker pigmentation than the younger Manning, which will give him difficulty at the quarterback position.”
So you’re saying that going on vacation to say, Mexico, and working on your tan might cause you to become a shittier QB than normal?
September 5th, 2008 at 8:24 am
I was thinkin Jaws would be more into some Asain gangbang shit myself, but hey who am I to say there is anything wrong with some busty brits that look like they have Buckwheat in the crotch lock.
September 5th, 2008 at 10:30 am
I suppose the Page 3 girls will do. Then again, Jaws is a Lackawanna boy, so some Al-Qaida-wanna tail may be his bag.
September 5th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
“My film study shows that Campbell has a much darker pigmentation than the younger Manning, which will give him difficulty at the quarterback position.”
Yeah, because it really befuddled that Doug Williams character. And Randall Cunningham, And Warren Moon, etc. ad infinitum.