Perhaps more than ever, this year promises to bring a unique level of excitement to the National Football League. Even after the Patriots historic run last season, the field is incredibly tight, and toward the end of the season, any team in the League could find itself within striking distance of a world championship.

I have to admit that my film study hasn’t been the same as in years past. This offseason, I only managed to watch 4, 295,813 hours of videotape on NFL teams, and that was while watching one game per eye, while reading play-by-play accounts of two other games in Braille with each foot. It’s true that age affects the performance of everyone in the National Football League, and those who cover it are no exception.

The Cleveland Browns will be hard-pressed to repeat their success from a year ago, as they play one of the toughest schedules in the league this season. Derek Anderson’s concussion in the preseason might affect his play, which could open the door for newcomer Brady Quinn. If he could be successful, the Browns would be the first team to reach the postseason with an openly gay quarterback, and an openly homophobic tight end. We could be witnessing history in the making.

Tonight’s game is going to be an absolute firefight, positioned on the flimsy arms of quarterbacks Eli Manning and Jason Campbell. My film study shows that Campbell has a much darker pigmentation than the younger Manning, which will give him difficulty at the quarterback position.

For tonight’s matchup I’ll be perched in my recliner with an assortment of British pornography. With the advent of DVR comes the ability to watch football whenever I choose. And while the start of a new football season stands merely hours away, only a different sort of videotape can quench the thrist of the loins.