The 49ers Need A Little Help
[TEAM MEETING: 49ers practice facilitiy, Santa Clara, California]
HEAD COACH MIKE NOLAN: Alright men, I know we normally take Tuesday off, but we really need this win coming up this week. We’re 2-2, and I really believe we can win this weekend and set up a run for the rest of the season.
J.T. O’SULLIVAN: Coach, I think this team is poised to make a run. The loss last week has helped us realize that.
FRANK GORE: [Holds up playbook] This is the first time I’ve ever felt like I’ve understood the offense! [Drops playbook]
JUSTIN SMITH: I think we can do it, Coach. [sips coffee] We’re really starting to come together as a team. I think everyone here has the right attitude. I think it’s time to kick some ass in the league!
[rest of the team cheers in approval]
COACH: That’s just the attitude I was looking for, men. This is gonna be a great week, I can feel it! Now, as we watch this film, on our opponent, keep in mind that–
[Coach hears knocking on door]
COACH: Hmm, don’t know who that could be. Now, men. These guys have lost some personnel on defense due to inj–
[Louder knocking on door this time]
COACH: Hey, whoever that is, we’re in a meeting! Fuck off!
[Knocking on turns into pounding, muffled screaming outside]
COACH: Boy, I’m gonna kick the shit out of whoever this is… [opens door]
CHARLES HALEY: LITTLE PIG LITTLE PIG WHATS YOU GOTDAMN PROBLEM MUTHAFUCKER?!?!?
FRANK: Holy shit, it’s Charles Haley!
J.T.: Wow, Charles Haley! Doesn’t he have like, 10 Super Bowl rings?
JUSTIN: Charles, are you gonna come out of retirement and play with us?
CHARLES HALEY: FUCK NO BITCH, IMMA COME OUTTA RETIREMENT AND PLAY WIT MYSELF! [strips naked]
COACH: [calling over PA system] Can we get security in here, please? Charles Haley has broken into the team room. He is naked. I repeat, Charles is naked.
CHARLES HALEY: LOOK AT MY SHIT! I’M IN BETTER SHAPE THAN HALF YOU PUSSIES! LOOK AT MY DICK! STOP LOOKIN AT MY DICK, FAGGOTS!
COACH: Charles, you need to get dressed and get out of–Charles, stop shaking your genitals in my face!
CHARLES: YOU KNOW YOU WANNA SUCK THIS, COACH! YOU FUCKING FAGGOT! HOW THE FUCK YOU GONNA GET SOME WHITE MUTHAFUCKA PLAYING IN MY SPOT? NEVER SEND A BOY TO DO A MANDINGO’S JOB, YOU PUNK BITCH!
JUSTIN: I’m right here, Mr. HaIey. If you have something to say to me Charles, you can say it to my face.
CHARLES: WELL GOLLLLLY, YOU SHIT-ASS WHITEBREAD BOJANGLIN’ COCKSUCKER, LOOK WHO WANTS HIS COFFEE BLACK AFTER ALL [drops dick in Justin's coffee] DAMN BILLY RAY YOU BETTER HEAT THAT SHIT UP! YO MAMMA KNOW YOU OUT HERE IN FAGGOTLAND DRINKIN THIS COLD COFFEE? WHERE YO MAMA FROM ANYWAY?
[Justin doesn't respond]
CHARLES: SPEAK WHEN YOU SPOKEN TO, CRACKER JACK! YOU GOT WHITE BREAD IN YO’ EARS? I SAY WHERE YOU MAMA FROM, BOY?
JUSTIN: …Missouri.
CHARLES: MMMMMMMMM!!!!! AW YEAH! ME N’ MY DICK GOIN TA MISSOURI. WE TAKIN A CAB FROM DA AIRPORT TO YO MAMA’S HOUSE. I’MMA RING DAT DOORBELL WIT MY LEFT NUT AND KNOCK ON DAT DOOR WIT MY RIGHT. SHE GONNA COME TO DOOR BEIN’ ALL, “Who is it, please?” AND I’MMA SAY, ”BABY, YOU JUST WON FIRST PRIZE IN THA NIGGA DICK CLEARIN’HOUSE!”
Justin: Fuck you.
CHARLES: THEN IMMA WRITE A BUNCHA ZEROS ON MY DICK AND TAKE HER PICTURE WHILE SHE HOLD IT. SHE GONNA BE ALL “I can’t belieeeeeeve I won! I never win aaaanything!” AND THEN, AND THEN I’M GONNA HIT THAT ASSSSSSSS! I’M GONNA HIT THAT ASSSSSSSS! [pulls dick out of Justin's coffee and starts flinging it, coffee goes everywhere]
COACH: Can we get some fucking security in here, please?!?!
GUARD: Hey, maybe we should go in there.
OTHER GUARD: No way. That guy’s unstable. Plus, I don’t want to touch his dick.
GUARD: No kidding, that thing’s a monster.
Tags: and starring Charles Haley's penis as himself, It's all about TEAM, jeez punter that's just wrong, Justin Smith, MMP, San Francisco 49ers
September 30th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Wow. Haley’s entrance was long overdue and this delivered.
Niners are 2-2, though. For now.
September 30th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Fixed, thanks. No idea how I fucked that up.
September 30th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
This explains why O’Sullivan played terribly on Sunday. 6 Sacks. 2 Interceptions. 1 fumble. Shitting all over my fantasy team.
Anal trauma.
September 30th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
And I just got a letter telling me I was a finalist in the Nigga Dick Clearin’House too. What am I going to do with all these magazines?
September 30th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Another KSK instant classic
September 30th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
I knew a Hayley post was coming. Just didn’t know in what guise. Is Hayley even alive/not institutionalized?
September 30th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
The black coffee would be worse if he added his cream and sugar.
September 30th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
The Niners are facing the Patriots next week, not the Giants.
But that’s still hilarious!
September 30th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
I musta had the wrong schedule. Fixed that, too.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Was Charles who the Beastie Boy’s were referring too in B-Boys Makin’ With the Freak Freak”
Shit, if it’s going to be that kind of a party
I’m gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes
September 30th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
What happened to O’Sullivan’s old-timey boxer personae?
September 30th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
BABY, YOU JUST WON FIRST PRIZE IN THA NIGGA DICK CLEARIN’HOUSE!”
Now THAT’S FUNNY and I don’t care who you are…!
September 30th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
[Charles Haley's fly flies open]
September 30th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Charles Haley as the unstable psycho ex-player completely works. The dick in the coffee was just hilarious.
Not to nitpick, but it still says Giants on the Nolan photo.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Just like that the world is right again.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Right on… I told my dad about Haleys tendency to expose himself last weekend when i saw him at the bar, we were laughing so hard imagining Guys like Troy and Emmitt keeping a straight face while Haley ran around the locker room dragging his third leg behind him…
This made me laugh even harder
September 30th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
The hilarious MISadventures of Charles Haley! Someone should make that into a sitcom with a laugh track
September 30th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Not to nitpick, but it still says Giants on the Nolan photo.
Jackin, that’s the very definition of nitpicking, you butt pirate.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
LOOK AT MY DICK! STOP LOOKING AT MY DICK, FAGGOTS!
I can’t stop chuckling at this. bravo punter.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Damn…now I’ve got the song ‘Pour a little sugar in my bowel’ by Nina Simone stuck in my head.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
The most uncomfortable thing I can imagine is looking up at Charles Haley and subsequently hearing a zipper.
Really, part of me wants to die.
I know it’s late coming–but at the age of 38, reading KSK, I finally lost my innocence.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Awesome.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
I’ll be a butt pirate for Megan Fox. Giving of course. PUNTE you’re so hilarious. And nice MS Paint skills.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Seriously, every single post on this website that has a conversation goes something like
Old guy : ARGh FUCK COCKSUCK BITCH KILL HAR HAR YEAAAHAW FUCK!
September 30th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
what made the scene even more realistic was that vernon davis was nowhere to be found.
useless cocksucker mumble mumble fantasy mumble…
September 30th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
”YOU JUST WON FIRST PRIZE IN THA NIGGA DICK CLEARIN’HOUSE!”
Have you been peeking at Obama’s acceptance speech?
/not saying he’s gonna win, but he needs to be prepared
September 30th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Jeff Pearlmen is no doubt #1 on Charles Haley’s “Faggots That Are Gonna Suck my Dick” list.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
god damn! Shit just gets better every fuckin day around here!
September 30th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
‘YOU SHIT-ASS WHITEBREAD BOJANGLIN’ COCKSUCKER.’ Pure. Gold. Punte, you are the man.
September 30th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
TJ might do better if he wasn’t always filming the UPS commercials.
September 30th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
JT, I mean
September 30th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Wow, ummm. Wow. I see Tawmy has been superceded. I still wheeze the most during Marvin / Ocho Cinco appearances. And now that I think of it, I have a reason to hope they don’t fire Marvin!
September 30th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
brilliant.
/slow, dramatic clap
September 30th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
All this funny business going on in KSK-land while Lane Kiffin gets fired. Don’t you people have any sympathy?!?!?! A man just lost his job!
/oh look…a quarter
September 30th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Can we see Haley challenge Santonio Holmes to a duel? I’m just imagining this with lightsaber sound effects.
(I would say invite Cooley too…but somehow I don’t that’d work out to well)
September 30th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
“I’MMA RING DAT DOORBELL WIT MY LEFT NUT AND KNOCK ON DAT DOOR WIT MY RIGHT.”
I know what my new secret knock is gonna be…
September 30th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Ya betta ask somebodaaaaayy!?!? Charles Haleys and his penis are no match for Marmalard and Billy the Rapeasaurus.
September 30th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
I do not approve of Mr. Haley’s racism.
September 30th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Honestly I really think you’re missing out on not having JT O’Sullivan talk like the leprechaun from the simpsons. Otherwise- HI-larious post.
September 30th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Nice mandingo reference.
September 30th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
You think Charles is agitated now, wait until he finds out Jeff Garcia is no longer a Niner.
September 30th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
I don’t know why the coach is complaining about Haley’s antics.
“Jumbo Package” was clearly listed on the whiteboard’s agenda.
September 30th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Too bad we missed the X Midget Double Tango.
Oh, and double score for that Mandingo reference.
September 30th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Ah, Charles Haley, the pride of James Madison University.
September 30th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Can someone mail that motivational whiteboard to Brad Childress’ office:
“Let’s Stop Sucking!”
September 30th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Clearly dave has never read a Marmalard or Hines Ward post. Or Silky Garrard.
September 30th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
“Can someone mail that motivational whiteboard to Brad Childress’ office: ‘Let’s Stop Sucking’”
Childress would be forced to have it sent groundmail- in six-yard increments only to be stopped short.
September 30th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
espn’s chris mortensen reports brady quinn’s been on the phone to his agent all day trying to arrange a trade to the niners.
September 30th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
You forgot the part where Smith tries to tackle Haley, but somehow runs 10 yards past him.
September 30th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
“FRANK GORE: [Holds up playbook] [Drops playbook]”
thanks for the lovely reminder.
/curses in general direction of box of 9er season tickets
September 30th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Wonder what is going to happen when Charles Haley finds out Anne Hathaway likes anal.
/idea for next episode of this chicanery