Thanks, Dallas Clark, For Assfisting Me Yet Again
They say prostitution is the world’s oldest profession, and if that’s true, Dallas Clark, kindly consider yourself a proprietor of the trade, because again I’ve plunked down money in a fantasy football league, and once again you’ve fucked me like I was a woozy Osaka cheerleader in a first-class rail car. God damn you Dallas Clark. When you make your list of goals before the season starts, where exactly do you rank “Fuck Punter At Every Conceivable Turn?” First? Second?
Year after year, my fantasy teams die by some cheapassed shiteating slant route that you convert for first down after first down. Typical white guy, standing around in the seam while everyone else is running actual routes or pass blocking. You never work for that shit; you just wait for that Sam linebacker to blitz and then wait for the ball. And you’re not even a real tight end. How can you help on pass pro while you’re lined up in the slot, drinking your piña colada and letting that Indiana breeze blow through your earholes. Do some of the dirty work, asshole. You make me sick.
But this year, I thought I’d learned my lesson, Dallas Clark. I thought I had finally learned when to tap out, to call a spade a spade and join your cause. I took you in my KSK Keeper League. It was for value, granted, but I still took you over Vernon Davis and some other guy. I think. I was ready to leave that other world behind and make a commitment to you.
And how did you repay me?
You reinvented the Fuck You Wheel and got injured. That’s what makes you such a worthy opponent; you invent new ways to destroy people’s hopes and dreams. And in doing so, you curled your fingers into a veritable fist and plunged that fist squarely into my butthole, robbing me of a win against Flubby and pretty much all the dignity I’ve ever had. You’re like that hot girl in high school that wanted to go out with me right after she had her face burned off in a steel mill. That’s all you are, Dallas Clark: the no-longer-hot hot chick. Just stick a tire iron in your ass and jump in front of a moving cement truck.
And please hurry back to the field! I need you!
Tags: Dallas Fucking Clark, firing up my fantasy players, MMP, you picked a fine time to get injured son
September 10th, 2008 at 11:05 am
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=-8vTi4H6qiQ
September 10th, 2008 at 11:13 am
drafting a player who bitched about getting lit up in a madden commercial? that’s a paddlin’
September 10th, 2008 at 11:22 am
I beleive they have a term for this very thing, Punter.
It’s called getting “Fred Taylor’d”
September 10th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Coming up next, Drew will buy flash a beer for not being updated and saddling him with Frank Gore instead of Tommy fackin’ Brady. It’s fantasy day at KSK.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:31 am
I have him on two teams. That’s what I get for making a homer pick.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Did the Ladies take over again? Cause it’s downright bitchy up in here. Or is the Gay Mafia just synched up and PMSing together? I hear Mydol relieves cramps and bloating.
By the way, I probe my asshole with an old rusty tent stake and have no idea how to spell the brand names of over-the-counter pharmaceuticals.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:32 am
i understand your pain more than most, son.
tawmmy brady was my 1st round pick. i also selected the now well-lit chargers dee, marques colston’s thumb, and dallas clark. my team (cedric benson’s yacht club) is now helmed by mr. kurt warner, and i want to bite the end of my tongue off and drown slowly in my own blood.
oh, and i’m off work due to a possible herniated disc this week.
life is fucking grand.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:36 am
i have dallas clark, his backup? the awesomeness of chris cooley. i might as well not start a TE next week.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Christ, I haven’t seen Punter bitch so much since they left the whipped cream off his white chocolate raspberry mocha at Starbucks.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:43 am
This is what you pussies get for participating in the lemon party that is fantasy football. Please quit wasting my time with this meaningless bullshit.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:45 am
fucking shit!
fucking shit is right buddy! I also have Clark. Lucky for me I have V. Davis as a back-up.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:47 am
for those who want to bitch more about fantasy sports click my user name and check out my terrible blog.
/sorry for the plug
September 10th, 2008 at 11:48 am
fmra: Christ, I haven’t seen Punter bitch so much since they left the whipped cream off his white chocolate raspberry mocha at Starbucks.
He’s still pissed that there isn’t a Starbucks out in Inbred Holler. He has to drive into Greenville to find one.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
This is what you pussies get for participating in the lemon party that is fantasy football. Please quit wasting my time with this meaningless bullshit.
You can always go to WWTDD for your blog reading entertainment donchaknow.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Anyone who doesn’t like fantasy football is a Communist. There I said it.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
How about that Chris Cooley, huh? Healthy as a fucking horse and Jason Campbell avoided him like the plague. Fuck you with a lamppost, Jim Zorn. And would a few more handoffs to Clinton Portis kill you? Bastard.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Seriously, give Portis the fucking ball.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
apparently west coast offense is listed in Zorn’s dictionary as “inept”
September 10th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
West Coast Offense just means they all go out for wheatgrass juice afterwards.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
“Anyone who doesn’t like fantasy football is a Communist. There I said it.”
No way I am going to let you turn this around on me. You fantasy football pansies are the fucking communists in your attempt to ruin the NFL. What has made the NFL so great has been the focus on teams, rather than players. We root for our favorite teams to win. To the extent that we cheer for individual players, it is because they were helping our favorite team achieve the team’s goal: winning the fucking football game.
You fantasy football nerds have twisted and distorted all of that by focusing on individual statistical achievements, rather than on team accomplishments. You fuckers even root for players from teams that you hate to do well. What the fuck is that about? Quit pretending to be amateur GMs and go back to being fans. It’s a shameful disgrace.
And you kids get off of my lawn too.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
thanks for the sermon, grandpa.
fantasy football drives the nfl. without the fantasy geeks, the league wouldn’t be as successful. it probably applies better to baseball because baseball sucks more.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Sounds like somebody drafted Brady and a shitty back up QB and is now totally fucked at QB for the year.
Grandpa, tell us again about the time you drafted Randall Cunningham in the first round and he last 20 minutes into the first game against the Packers before a knee injury KO’d him for the year.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
You’re surprised Dallas Clark fucked you?
He has a porno ’stache and a porno name. How could he not fuck you?
September 10th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
FaFooFlaWa!
September 10th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
hmmm, is Claude Balls from Ohio?
September 10th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
As a Colts fan, I’d be thrilled if Dallas Clark would stop fucking my team as well. Who the fuck else are we going to get to go over the middle and get blown the fuck up on every play? Marvin and Reggie? Fuck that!
Oh, wait. FUCK!
September 10th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
“Dallas Clark”? “Dallas Clark”??!
How dare Monday Morning Punter insult Sarah Palin like this?!
HOW DARE HE?!?!?
/clutches pearls, faints
September 10th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
As a Colts fan, I’d be thrilled if Dallas Clark would stop fucking my team as well. Who the fuck else are we going to get to go over the middle and get blown the fuck up on every play? Marvin and Reggie? Fuck that!
Anthony Gonzalez, of course. Send in the Mexican to do the gritty jobs that higher paid American professionals don’t want. How else does shit get done in this country?
September 10th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Claude Balls is actually Brady Quinn. Explains his fetish for balls. Preferably salty balls.
And FFB absolutely has made the game larger than life by injecting tons of revenue into NFL.com, ESPN and other sites that pay for access to player stats. Not to mention being one of the main reasons why FOX, CBS, NBC and ESPN have to pay a PREMIUM to broadcast games every Sunday. It is a billion dollar business, not just for geeks. So unless you’re a Communist and don’t like people making as much money as they can (legally), then Fantasy Football will be here to stay.
Maybe you should move to South Ossetia – I hear they don’t have computers out there.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
@Hard Drugs & Easy Listening: holy crap, that was hilarious. And as much as I’d like to send him over the middle, at least Clark will bounce back. Gonzo was out for like three weeks with a bent finger or some shit last season. I’d hate for him to get blown up, Tanard Jackson style, and have to have his spleen removed or some shit.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Tom Brady – my starting QB
Jeff Garcia – my backup
Dallas Clark – my starting TE
Ben Utecht – my backup
Plus, it’s a keeper league. How can I drop Brady? Some cockbite will certainly pick him up off waivers.
September 10th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
JFB: Wow. Touched a nerve there, did I? Don’t hate on me for pointing out the truth. Whether you want to admit it or not, fantasy football is the pursuit of geeks. Just because you hang out on websites with other geeks who think it is cool doesn’t mean that the rest of the world buys your bullshit. It’s mental masturbation for wannabe GMs and coaches. If you can’t get into the game without that sideshow, then you are not really into the game.
“FFB absolutely has made the game larger than life . . [and is] one of the main reasons why FOX, CBS, NBC and ESPN have to pay a PREMIUM to broadcast games every Sunday.” Are you shitting me? What are you, ten years old? The NFL has been larger than life for decades and the networks have been ponying up billions of dollars to broadcast the games for years. Those things happened long before stat nerds finally found a way to be interested in the game. As for your assertions that fantasy football has injected “tons of revenue” NFL.com, ESPN and other sites, and is a “billion dollar” business, do you have any support for those claims? Or are you just trying to make yourself feel better?
Look, fantasy football bores the shit out of me. And this argument really bores the shit out of me. Can we get back to the dick jokes?
September 10th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
I have PeyPey and Clark on my team. THANKS A FUCKING LOT, HOMERISM
September 10th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
I’m with Claude, I like the Bills. That’s it, I hate everyone else. Or I don’t care. Either way, why spend all the time and money to root for guys I hate? Get to know the game better? I know the game a plenty, I like the Bills and the other 31 teams can go fuck themselves. And they are not going to Toronto, asshats.
September 10th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
@ognihs
fantasy footballGambling drives the nfl. without thefantasy geeksgambling degenerates, the league wouldn’t be as successful.FTFY
September 10th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
I already dumped Clark for Dante Rosario AKA Rosario Dawson. I’m a fickle bitch like that.
September 11th, 2008 at 8:27 am
@John, get fucked. Just a year ago you were caught on tape bitching about Dallas Clark.
September 11th, 2008 at 10:09 am
I don’t understand this “fantasy football” talk. Does that have something to do with the interweb?
September 19th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Dallas Clark has literally fucked me over in exactly the same way every year that I’ve participated in Fantasy Football. Every year, I lost a big game because he had one bullshit catch that gave him just ridiculous point totals. Now I pick him, and he’s gone Ricky Williams on my Dolphins.