Tale of the Tape: Julius Peppers vs. Lorenzo Neal
Competitor (seed): Julius Frazier Peppers (6)
Nickname: Pep
Height: 6′7″
Weight: 283
Reach: If you can see him he can hit you.
Sponsor: Orange Julius
Ring Music: Eric B. and Rakim’s Relax With Pep
Hometown: Bailey, NC
Pedigree: Julius’s parents must have known their son was going to be a ridiculous athlete considering that they named him after Dr. J and Clyde Frazier.
Strength: He’s the best pure athlete in the competition.
Weakness: He’d rather be playing basketball.
Predilection towards violence: Ingesting the wrong dietary supplement could put him in a rage and/or lead to a suspension.
Fighting Style: Julius relies heavily on his ring generalship, aided by his brilliant footwork and outstanding reach.
Competitor (seed): Lorenzo Neal (11)
Nickname: Low Daddy
Height: 5′11″
Weight: 255
Reach: Not much.
Sponsor: Athletic Nation
Ring Music: Grab Them Cakes
Hometown: Hanford, CA. The town that just started recognizing Martin Luther King Jr. Day last year is also the hometown of Tyson Chandler, Steve Perry, and steroid enthusiast Ken Caminiti.
Pedigree: Lorenzo was an All-American wrestler at Fresno State.
Strength: Putting people on their asses.
Weakness: Stubby fingers mean he’ll never be a great sax player.
Predilection towards violence: Because he doesn’t get nearly enough physical contact as a lead blocker in the NFL Lorenzo returns to Fresno each off-season to work out with college wrestlers.
Fighting Style: He’ll come right at you and brawl, but that style belies his technical abilities.
Tags: The Champ Is Here, The Sweet Science 16, This Is Almost Over, Unsilent Majority
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:42 am
I’ll go with Peppers since his ring music comes from Eric B. & Rakim and the fact that his reach will own the fight until LoNeal gets frustrated and walks into one in the later rounds. I’ve clearly thought this through way too much.
And hurry this up already, the season’s almost here.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:45 am
Just one more first round matchup to go. After that it will fly by.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:46 am
I’m for Pep here, for obvious reasons, but Lo Neal will fuck you up. I would love to see him fight Pep, with stilts, and arm extensions.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:54 am
Neal, because a blocking back will hit anyone he can, while a DL/LB only wants the QB. Wanting only the QB = gay.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:54 am
Peppers, the huge reach advantage is too much for the probably more explosive Neal to overcome.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:54 am
Just one more first round matchup to go. After that it will fly by.
So I guess that means we’ll only have to wait one month instead of 2 between posts…
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:56 am
I love Lo Neal. Built like a tank, tough as a motherfucker… and reach of a T-rex. Its such a disparity Peppers might be able to pull the old “hold em away at armslength” move. Julius takes this one.
Also, that pick is not Lorenzo, its Andrew Pinnock.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:57 am
Peppers all the way. He’s tall, and you can’t coach tall!
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:00 am
i was in chapel hill the summer before pepper’s senior year at unc. i was in a convenience store and peppers walked in, walked straight up to the counter, and said “the juice is hungry, the juice wants some food.” the clerk immediately supplied the juice with ample amounts of food, free of charge. i refuse to refer to julius pepper’s as “pep” but will always know him as “the juice”
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:03 am
True Story: I sat next to a guy on a plane who claimed to play football at UNC. He looked big so I think he was telling the truth. Anyway, as my new disposable friend (Durden) he quickly found out that I was a football fan. Then he told me that he was Julius Pepper’s and Willy Parker’s roommate at UNC.
He told me this fact for approximately 3 and a half hours.
Best. Flight. Ever.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:04 am
Also, that pick is not Lorenzo, its Andrew Pinnock.
fixed
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:26 am
@Optimus: Did he then stab the shopkeeper and flee in a white Bronco?
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:33 am
Just one more first round matchup to go. After that it will fly by.
promises, promises. i want my free entertainment now!
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:33 am
don’t know, i was too busy cowering in the corner in fear of this giant black man that referred to himself as the same name of something that i previously thought to be refreshing and delicious. to this day i can’t even look at a carton of tropicana without shitting myself
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:48 am
Grab them Cakes inspired many victories for the Junkyard Dog…wouldnt be surprised at all to see Lorenzo with an upset here.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:52 am
This is Tyson vs. Bonecrusher Smith. Chop down that tree, Lorenzo. Or Peppers could be like Michael Grant - a tall athletic phenom with the heart of a sickly canary.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:58 am
Lorenzo spent 10 years running into linebackers on purpose. I don’t think he can be stopped by mere jabs and hooks.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:59 am
Ditka handles them both,no problem.
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Lo Neal likes to spend his off season rolling around on a mat with other muscular sweaty men.
Peppers prefers to take his man down low and abuse him in the low post.
Considering how long this tale of the tape is taking, I’ll wait to see who lasts longer in this years playoffs before I vote.
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Peppers also has great length which means nothing in this matchup except to say that the “holds LoNeal at armslength move” would be really funny to watch especially since LoNeal is like the real life version of Juggernaut.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Points to Peppers for killing Chris Simms’ spleen but not as many points as it could have been since Simms’ career isn’t over yet. I don’t have any doubt, if given the chance, Neal would’ve ripped out Simms’ spleen Temple of Doom-style, showed it to him, then donkey punched his entire wussy assheaded albino family.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Juelz in a walk. Honestly, the 6 seed is LAUGHABLE for Pep, if we are indeed using the criteria of ‘if both men grew up learning to box…’ LOOK AT THE MANS PHYSICALS FOR GODS SAKE. “Best pure athlete in the competition” is all you need to know. Juelz should walk til Finals if you people have any sense.
If I was picking one dude from all pro sports who could have been ‘the One’ had they chosen to box, its Lebron first, Pep second.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:02 pm
I like to imagine Pep with his hand on Neal’s forehead Looney Tunes-style while Neal flails away helplessly with his lil’ bitty arms.