So, You Have Two Hands? We Have a Job Opening for You
[Seahawks practice facility]
Mike Holmgren: As you all know, we’ve had some tough breaks at this position this year. Deion Branch is recovering from knee surgery. Bobby Engram’s got a broken shoulder. Ben Obomanu’s out with a broken collarbone. And now Nate Burleson with an ACL tear. I expect you folks to be able to step it up. Who are you people now?
[Courtney Taylor, Jordan Kent, Samie Parker, and Billy McMullen introduce themselves]
Holmgren: Kent, you’re fired. Pack your bags.
Kent: Seriously? Your top four receivers are injured, and you need four more, and I can’t be on the team?
Holmgren: I’m sorry, son, we’ve only got room for 8th-string receivers here. Beat it.
Now the rest of you hit the practice field. I want you to get some reps with the first team.
[Taylor performs a double move and catches a post pattern in stride. He then falls to the turf, holding his upper leg. A trainer attends to him.]
Holmgren: What is it? Hamstring?
Trainer: No, his hamstring’s fine.
Holmgren: Phew!
Trainer: Looks like a severed femoral artery. If the paramedics don’t get here in two minutes he’ll die.
Holmgren: Oh.
Trainer: Yeah.
Holmgren: Ummm… Parker!
[Samie Parker does a nice catch-and-run off a slant. Tackled after twenty yards, he lays on the ground holding his stomach. The trainer, worried, signals for the team doctor.]
Holmgren: What now?
Doctor: I’m sorry… I’m afraid it’s… it’s canker.
Holmgren: Canker? You mean cancer? My receiver has cancer?
Doctor: Oh no, this is much more deadly. He died three minutes ago.
Holmgren: Daggummit. McMullen! Go out there and show me what you got! And try not to killed, okay?
[McMullen makes a diving catch falling out of bounds. His upper body lands in an unattended wood chipper.]
Holmgren: Oh jeez. I knew we shouldn’t have kept that there. Seneca, looks like you’re starting on Sunday.
Seneca Wallace: Aw hell naw.
Tags: captain caveman, seattle seahawks, SNL references, written while crying
September 11th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Any chance the Seahawks might move to a 5 OL, 1 QB, 1 RB, 4 TE Offense?
No?
Um, well. Crap.
September 11th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Somewhere, Joe Horn sits by a telephone, waiting for the call.
“Joe Horn is ready to do what Joe Horn does best, coach — catch the ball like Joe Horn does and show some of that Joe Horn magic. Joe Horn hopes you call Joe Horn to hire Joe Horn. Joe Horn. Joe Horn.”
September 11th, 2008 at 11:24 am
My God that’s Freddie Mitchell’s music!
September 11th, 2008 at 11:28 am
It has been at least 3 months since Ashlie Lelie got traded, so you know, he’s due
September 11th, 2008 at 11:34 am
Is Steve Largent still alive?
September 11th, 2008 at 11:38 am
anyone starting to think that all these “injuries” are just a ploy to get cut from their various teams (a la culpepper) and join one super team next year? Think about it. Brady throwing to to Burleson and Branch (again) Merriam headlining the defense. You laugh now, but you heard it here first.
/haven’t stopped drinking since 730 last night.
September 11th, 2008 at 11:38 am
/dusts off freshman football helmet
I can drop a pass better than any of those chumps. I’ll be waiting by the phone.
September 11th, 2008 at 11:45 am
The signing of Branch worked out so well for the Hawks. Why not go get Pats cast off/draft bust Chad Jackson? He can’t run a route or catch a ball, but he has hands.
September 11th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Jim Abbott is available.
So’s the guy who killed Richard Kimble’s wife.
September 11th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Jimmy Smith is available, but he’s going to need a ride
September 11th, 2008 at 11:59 am
ComPLETELY unrealistic.
Samie Parker never makes a catch. Ever.
September 11th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Does Seattle have a Conrail depot? Why? Hoboes and transients. They’ll catch balls for Cisco Red and crack.
September 11th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Isn’t this just great shit? I have Hasselback’s sissy ass in fantasy and he has no-fuckin-body to throw to. Just great!! Glad I picked up Cassel like a pus!
September 11th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Seriously they should put in Seneca Wallace. Did you see him in that playoff game a few years ago? Money.
September 11th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Rae Carruth’s available, I hear.
September 11th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Rae Carruth’s available, I hear.
Not really. The Mean Machine has his rights for the next 10-16 years.
September 11th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
“Rae Carruth’s available, I hear.”
Yeah, but the salary cap doesn’t cover two packs of smokes.
September 11th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Samie Parker does a nice catch-and-run off a slant.
Well, that was an obvious lie.
September 11th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
ZING!
Honestly, can’t they just go and plunder the CFL for black men?
September 11th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Clay Bennett is behind all this. How does the Oklahoma City Seahawks sound? Or will he change it to something stupid like the OK City Force or Power?
September 11th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Seattle loses receivers like Spinal Tap loses drummers.
September 11th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Bets on Mike Williams getting a 4th chance?
September 11th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
@ Tyler D
….Waiting for the next WR to spontaneously combust
September 11th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
AS a Seahawks fan, I say this to any Patriots fan weeping into their Zima over Tom Brady: Count your blessings, kiss your 3 Super Bowl rings, and shut the fuck up. Forever. You bloated douchebags have no idea what true pain really is.
September 11th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
AS a forty niner fan, I say this to you, J.L. White: Get fucked!
September 11th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Where’s Pancakes House?
September 11th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
GUG: I say the same to you, just replace “Patriots fan” with “49ers fan,” “Zima” with “apple-tini,” “Tom Brady” with “rooting for a horrible, horrible team,” and “bloated douchebags” with “catchers” Thank you.
/additional gay joke
September 11th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Omigawd, they killed Samie! YOU BASTARDS!!!!
September 12th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Have the Hawks trade a #1 draft pick to the Deadskins for Brandon Lloyd. Trust me it’ll work out for them. No really it will. I swear he’s the next facking Jerry facking Rice.