Sir, I Believe You Have a Bounty To Collect
Yahoo is reporting that Tom Terrific is out for the year with a torn ACL. And it’s all thanks to the one bright beautiful man who was steel willed enough to heed our demands and make good on the challenge of a generation. For making ribbons of Dreamboat’s ligaments, we present you with this legal tender entitling the holder to $50 $60 worth of goods and services. And a goodie bag!
With it, you can buy:
-Commemorative Super Bowl XLII DVD
-One month of Netflix AND Gamefly membership
-Probably a decent lamp at Ikea
-Armed protection from Bahstan fans (5 minutes)
-6,000 Bernard Pollard football cards
- Lucrative bet against Maj’s picks that you’re bound to win
These are just a small sampling of the many options at your disposal. Don’t feel constrained by our suggestions. The money is yours to spend as you see fit. And thank you, sir. Thank you from the bottom of our cold, black, unfeeling hearts.
Tags: bounties, knows big ben will get hurt next week, xmas ape
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
September 7th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
die
September 7th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Lucrative bet against Maj’s picks that you’re bound to win
Sure, but only nine out of ten times.
/hopes people take those seriously.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
If he dies, he dies
September 7th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Can we start another pot for the defensive player who takes out Favraro or does one already exist?
September 7th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Celebrating an injury is a surefire sign of needing to get laid.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
It’s the start of the George Cassel era. Er, the Mark Cassel era. Wait…Matt Cassel, is that right?
I bet Jim Sorgi texted Cassel “ha, u sucka. u actually gotta play now”
September 7th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Umm… Would this make Matt Cassel the Sarah Palin of the AFC?
September 7th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Hail, our new American hero! Pollard/Obama ‘08!
September 7th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
Commemorative Super Bowl XLII DVD
Why do I have a vague feeling that every Defensive Coordinator in the NFL bought these for their players and showed it to them while yelling, “You beat the Patriots by sacking Brady! You beat the Patriots by sacking Brady!” over and over. Mr. Pollard listened a little too well.
Seriously: Even though I’m not a Patriots fan, I hope Tom Brady gets better.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Not to correct the infallible bloggers…but I believe the bounty is $60 plus a free goodie bag.
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/11/effective-immediately-tom-brady-knee.html
September 7th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
@gthd36:
I didn’t know that BDD was a prophet.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Shh. We tried to shortchange him.
Fixed.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
Pollard betta watch his back.
/Massholes
September 7th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
advice to brady: do not take knee rehab tips from tiger woods.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
I’m really good friends with Pollard. Just send me the $60 and the free goodie bag and I’ll be sure to give it to him the next time I see him. Which should be soon. He’s having a “I broke dat azz, so make it rain bitchez!” party this week.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
I just placed my order for a Pollard #49 Chiefs jersey.
No, I have no plans to wear it. Why do you ask?
September 7th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
I feel terrible for cutting Pollard every time I played as the Chiefs in Madden.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Believe or not, I actually run an IKEA lighing department. And with $60, he could get TWO decent lamps. :P
September 7th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
See, this injury works doubly well for me: Laurence Maroney will finally get carries, and I won’t have to see Tom Brady every week.
/hopes Matt Cassel sucks (although it would be hilarious if he pulled a Tom Brady/Drew Bledsoe on Tom Brady).
September 7th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
I have never been prouder to be a Purdue student than I am right now.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
I just picked up a Pollard jersey too. And I will wear it, he might be my new favorite player.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
That man deserves to have a den handsomely lit by decent lamps for the rest of his life. The TV and recliners are on him though.
September 7th, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Should’ve been you, Romo. But this is pretty cool too.
September 7th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
@Robocats:
Hell, maybe I’ll buy him the lamps Nov. 30 when the Chefs come to town to play the Raiders. And I’ll double it if he takes out Marmalard and/or Cutler.
September 7th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
If only it wasn’t a Chief who collected the bounty, or I would already have a Pollard Jersey on order just for when I have to travel in NE.
/Raider Fan
//Actually wouldn’t wear any other teams Jersey
September 7th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
All this will mean is that Brady will have an entire year of quiet in which to impregnate all the Bundchen sisters.
BTW, does Bellichick bring out his shotgun and try to put Brady down like he did Drew Bledsoe…I mean Old Yeller?
September 7th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Double or nothing for Marmalard.
September 7th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Laugh all you want but we’re going to be just fine, Phil Simms is coming to work out for the Pats tomorrow.
Whats that? Its not 1986? and its Chris Simms who is coming? Oh dear god…. I’m going to need a personal day from work tomorrow to mourn the loss of the 2008 season.
September 7th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Romo next. Then Farvraro.
Watching Kyle beat PeyPey is exquisite in its own way as well.
September 7th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
lost in all the glee at the destruction of The Dreamboat’s knee is how much more insufferable Tony K will be tomorrow on PTI and MNF.
/I hope Tavaris Jackson and Ben Rongrastname get the Black Plague and smallpox.
September 7th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Ben already has the retard flu.
And don’t try to take the fucking high road Pats fans, you who haven’t shied away from making bad motorcycle accident jokes for the last two and a half years.
September 7th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
I am so proud to be a Chief fan today. Moral victories come in many forms. Now I have to introduce Larry Johnson to Herm Edwards. Herm doesn’t remember that he is his running back and can be used in short yardage situations like today.
September 7th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
@Jews for Purple Jesus: Sorry, but I missed the memo that mentions that I share my commenter name with anyone else. And while typically I’d say that imitation is indeed a sincere form of flattery, your lack of attention to detail bothers the fuck out of me. (I always capitalize the F in For.)
September 7th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
“When a great player like him goes down, it’s terrible for the league blah blah blah sympathy all-the-correct-things-to-say.” — Tony Romo
Ha ha ha We’re totally winning the Super Bowl XLIII — Tony Romo’s internal voice.
September 7th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
What the fuck does Romo have on his chin, being interviewed re: Brady’s knee – is that a ball guard so Randy Moss’s business don’t leave a mark on his chin??
September 7th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
If this is the only highlight the Chiefs are a part of this year, the season will still be a success.
September 7th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Romo had a chin injury. I guess it was from having TO’s balls on his face, but I could be wrong.
Now I know what the Bears felt like watching the Super Bowl. The Colts look confused. Here’s hoping PeyPey gets his shit together.
September 7th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
don’t try to take the fucking high road Pats fans
Take the the what what? Don’t worry, we’ll be crying for rule changes. No, wait, that’s the Colts’ playbook.
September 7th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
i ask for romo to blow a knee and he gets a chin scrape. why tease me, lord? why?
September 7th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
I’m gonna laugh when Culpepper signs with the Pats on tuesday……
the purple magic will return… although it didn’t work when they tried to make black magic in oakland.
September 7th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
1st round fantasy pick… dead.
September 7th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
@TDub: You and me both, brother. And the highest rated QB still left in my league? Jeff Fucking Garcia.
September 7th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
BP 4 Meast of the Week!!!
September 7th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
I knew things were fucked when Fred Smoot was calling him Timmy Brady.
September 7th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
Pats fans take the high road? There will soon be no one left to take the high road. The bandwagon is 1/2 empty now. May be a ghost town by this time tomorrow. Welcome back to the 20th century.
September 7th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
And Jeff Garcia has a “sprained pinkie” and Alex Smith might get season ending surgery. God Fucking Dammit, I might have to rely on JaMarcus Russell.
/Might pick up Colt Brennan and take a chance
September 7th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
And the Colts are going to lose. FUCK ME.
September 7th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
Well, at least there was one bright spot about today.
Seriously, why didn’t they put Brady Quinn in?
Hell, why didn’t they put Tim Couch in with the way Horse Balls was playing?
September 7th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Ha ha ha We’re totally winning the Super Bowl XLIII — Tony Romo’s internal voice.
Tony Romo’s internal voice might want to check that thinking before the ol’ Double J spanks him for being premature.
September 7th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
I think the guy deserves another $20 on me to spend how he wishes.
Pats finish 5-11 this season. WATCH!!!
September 7th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
HAHAHA…..hahaha…haha…..
On a sad note, the Colts just gave up 29 points to the fuckin Bears, wtf?!?!
September 7th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
WIN!
September 7th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
So let me get this straight. After watching Brady seemingly breeze through last season, magically bouncing back from every single hit he took, he gets laid the fuck out during the first game of 2008? By a guy playing for the Kansas City Chiefs?
I feel empty inside. I mean, as far as the Tom Brady Injury Watch goes, this is so anti-climactic.
September 7th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
Hey Patriot fans it could be worse, you could be Redskins fans…..holy shit they suck!
September 7th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Fuck you Bill Simmons. Fuck you to a place where the only lube available is deep heat.
The only bad thing thing about this is that twat Favre will probably lead the Jets to the division title now.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:29 am
We’ve yet to hear from Tawwmy from Quinzee. I fear for his safety and well-being. Well, not really, but you know that there’s a good chance he’s about to choke on a large wad of chew as he can’t stop sobbing and drinking and chewing all at the same time.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:31 am
I meant since he said he’d get the dahhkie.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:56 am
I actually DON’T want to see Farvaro injured. I want him in there all 16 weeks, panicking under pressure and throwing up dying quails in the middle of the field week after week to get intercepted, so we can all laugh at the announcers tripping over themselves to excuse it as “Brett just trying to make something happen there. What a competitor!”
And lay off Romo. My fantasy team needs him.
/Colts pwned.
September 8th, 2008 at 1:34 am
good stuff here…
September 8th, 2008 at 1:35 am
Well, here anyway – link didn’t work
http://img401.imageshack.us/img401/4540/pollardsc0.png
September 8th, 2008 at 2:23 am
From Original Post:
-Reese’s Cups
-Bottle of Stetson (for ironic purposes)
-Two day stay at Rancho Relaxo
-Free Movado watch
-Home pedicure set
-5 Lottery scratch tickets
-Free test trial sample of new Glaxosmithkline anemia pill
-Matt Ufford sex tape
-? (mystery item!)
-? (another mystery item!)
-? (yet another mystery item!)
-? (mystery item that’ll really make you cream your jeans!)
Can we reveal the 4 mystery items? I hope one of them is Drew’s new book!
/Why Colts? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
/Also wants you to lay off Romo, my 2 fantasy teams are reliant on that idiot.
September 8th, 2008 at 3:05 am
The Bill Simmons face is something that I need to see. After the super bowl, and now after Brady was injured.
September 8th, 2008 at 3:10 am
I’ve got 20 bucks in the pot for the first charter pilot to get drunk and crash the Red Sox team jet.
Into Kevin Garnett’s house.
While Ray Allen and Paul Pierce are showing Belicheck their championship DVD.
But I hope Garnett’s wife and kids get out. I’m not a TOTAL douche.
September 8th, 2008 at 3:11 am
Living in Nova Scotia is a fucking whore. We have all these douchefag New England local news channels and for the first time I actually enjoyed watching their shit local coverage. I stayed up with my roommates and watched Pats fans bitch on New England local news. The only two cock gobbling extrodinaire shows in towns seasons are now over. Goatse Boston! Bong hits for everyone!
September 8th, 2008 at 5:43 am
Well, at least Tawmee from Quinzee has White Cassel
September 8th, 2008 at 6:03 am
The Chiefs are now my 2nd favorite team.
Do I smell Super Bowl for the Steelers? No Tom Brady, The Jags don’t look too good, The Colts don’t look too good. EH, EH? NUDGE, NUDGE!
September 8th, 2008 at 6:07 am
The fact that any of you would applaud an injury is sad. Tom Brady is one of the true heroes and champions this league has ever seen and his injury is devastating for football as a whole. Pollard’s play was not dirty at all but you applauding Brady’s injury is. Shame on all of you fucking assholes get a life, will ya?
September 8th, 2008 at 6:30 am
A True Hero is someone serving in the military. Tom Brady is just a walking douchebag who knocks up supermodels.
September 8th, 2008 at 6:41 am
Are you saying that you wouldn’t want to knock up a supermodel if given the opportunity?
September 8th, 2008 at 6:59 am
Brady isn’t a hero, he’s just a guy getting paid millions to play a game. I hate when people throw around the word hero, it means so much more than being the douche leading your football team. And his injury isn’t devastating to football as a whole, in fact, it benefits football as a whole because it now makes the whole league competitive and worth watching as opposed to the forgone conclusion that it would be a Pats-Boys SB.
September 8th, 2008 at 7:22 am
No I wouldn’t knock her up, but I’d hit it…if she isn’t as skinny as a freaking stick.
September 8th, 2008 at 7:32 am
Anytime a league MVP goes down it’s devastating for the league, Daydream. When the best players go down all you have is more competition….between lesser players! If LT went down we would be deprived of his playmaking ability and amazing talent. Same with Brady, Peyton, AP, TO, etc. When the league’s best players go down, everyone loses and football becomes suckier as a result.
September 8th, 2008 at 7:37 am
How is parity bad bigman? Parity is why I love sports. Who doesn’t want to see the underdog win. Why would you want to see the same team win over and over again (Unless it’s your team, then it’s alright.)
September 8th, 2008 at 7:49 am
Parity is good, but not when it comes at the expense of the league’s best players. Wouldn’t you feel better about beating a team like the Patriots, Colts, or Chargers with their players healthy and team at full strength? It takes away from your win just a little bit when those game-changing players aren’t there. It’s like Padraig Harrington winning all those majors in Tiger’s absence. Will history treat his accomplishments the same as if he beat Tiger to attain them? Sadly, no. Same thing here or whenever a great player is absent from a team.
September 8th, 2008 at 8:06 am
Can bigman leave now? He’s killing my erection.
September 8th, 2008 at 8:07 am
You do bring up a good point, but I must sleep now for it’s 5am D: and I have class tommarrow. Steelers 1-0 baby D:
September 8th, 2008 at 8:25 am
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH…. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
eat it new england, i hope you all hang yourselves
September 8th, 2008 at 8:25 am
“And don’t try to take the fucking high road Pats fans, you who haven’t shied away from making bad motorcycle accident jokes for the last two and a half years.”
Wow, someone has a complex.
September 8th, 2008 at 8:29 am
“Celebrating an injury is a surefire sign of needing to get laid.”
Normally, yes, except when it’s Tom Brady. At that point it becomes a surefire sign of having a brain stem.
September 8th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Bigman has a good point. If I remember anything from last January, it was Pats fans who were disappointed that they beat the Chargers without LT playing and with Rivers and Gates seriously injured.
September 8th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Must’ve been why they lost the Super Bowl, they wanted to win it having only beaten the best competition possible.
September 8th, 2008 at 8:43 am
@Jay
…and really needing to get laid.
September 8th, 2008 at 8:55 am
As a token of good will, The Chicago Bears would like to send Rex Grossman to New England to be their new QB.
We will accept a water boy, towel boy, or a used jock strap in exchange.
September 8th, 2008 at 8:57 am
Normally I’d not celebrate an injury. But this is so fucking great. At least the Chargers won’t get knocked out of the playoffs by the Patriots this year…. if they get there.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:00 am
Anybody that has Rodney Harrison on their team CANNOT bitch about cheap shots. Karma, bitches!
September 8th, 2008 at 9:07 am
Plane ticket to Kansas City – $350
Cab ride to Bernard Pollard’s house from the airport – $45
Bounty paid as promised – $60
A whole season without Tom Brady while New England fans cry – PRICELESS
For the best moments in life, watch the NFL
September 8th, 2008 at 9:07 am
@ Leigh
Tony Romo needs to win a playoff game before he can start internally gloating about being the Super Bowl Champs already
September 8th, 2008 at 9:09 am
“And don’t try to take the fucking high road Pats fans, you who haven’t shied away from making bad motorcycle accident jokes for the last two and a half years.”
There’s a *slight* difference between getting hurt while being a moron on a bike and, you know, playing football.
My only hope is the year of reflection makes Tom Brady stop being such a fag and someone who, you know, it’s fun to root for.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:11 am
I’ll say it again…it’s not about feeling good that Brady is injured. He seems like a decent guy and for Christ’s sake, who wouldn’t like to be him for a day.
This is all about enjoying the side-effect of his injury, the psychic pain that the fawning media asshats and jerkoff NE fanbase are now suffering.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:14 am
As a Pat’s fan, I only have this to say – Fuckin’ fuck y’all.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Also, this is another side effect to smoking weed — Kevin Faulk misses one game for the reefer, Sammy Morris is the third down back, and voila! The terrorists win.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Sure, my Chiefs crippled Tom Brady, but Brodie Croyle was knocked out of the game too.
So it was really win-win.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Fuckin’ fuck y’all. -Patriots fan
Yup, I think this kind of sums up the reason for the schadenfreude, don’t you?
September 8th, 2008 at 9:41 am
“don’t try to take the fucking high road Pats fans
Take the the what what? Don’t worry, we’ll be crying for rule changes”—-Making it legal to be a PUSSY?
“I’ve got 20 bucks in the pot for the first charter pilot to get drunk and crash the Red Sox team jet.
Into Kevin Garnett’s house.
While Ray Allen and Paul Pierce are showing Belicheck their championship DVD.
But I hope Garnett’s wife and kids get out. I’m not a TOTAL douche.”
Im in for 50 if Simmons is there live blogging the action.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:41 am
I don’t understand all the comments about feeling bad for Brady. It’s a FOOTBALL injury. He’ll be ok. He’ll walk, talk, hold his illegitimate kid, fuck Giselle…. all the things that are important. But the Pats will hopefully suck and Bellicheck will look like the ass that he is. Good times everyone. Good times ahead.
September 8th, 2008 at 9:49 am
i’m waiting for all the espn reports that will analyze the play and debate whether it was a dirty play or not
September 8th, 2008 at 9:50 am
I’m actually rooting for the Pats to have a decent season. I want Cassel to be Brady to Brady’s Bledsoe. If the Pats suck this season then every talking head will stroke themselves dry about how great Brady is and how he’ll return the Pats to greatness when he’s healed. If there is truly a NFL God, please let Cassel get them to at least 9-7 and a wild card.
Notice how Brady is such a douche every since he wore that faggot Yankee hat? Must be having A-Rod as his BFF is a jinx on your career.
September 8th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Let’s go Buffalo, let’s go Buffalo !
call the wahmbulance Pat’s fans.
September 8th, 2008 at 10:04 am
“Yup, I think this kind of sums up the reason for the schadenfreude, don’t you?”
… point taken, as the admonishment to go hang ourselves was quite eloquent.
September 8th, 2008 at 10:08 am
We miss-sinterpreted tha ruell-lez
September 8th, 2008 at 10:17 am
TO-RON-TO TO-RON-TO I mean BUFF-A-LO BUFF-A-LO
September 8th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Why is everyone saying Patriots fans are crying? I’m not happy about Brady being hurt (obviously) but I’m not going to cry about it. He played what, 125 games in a row? It happened, it sucks but it’s part of the game. I do hope Donte’ Culpepper comes back that woudl be pretty awesome!
I understand Patriots hating is cool, I don’t mind the bounty thing, I don’t mind the ‘fuck you pats’ or any other insult you guys throw out, but crying? Please we’ve had 3 Super Bowls in the last 10 years most teams haven’t even played in that many. It must suck to root for shitty teams and only have happy experiences when a player from a better team gets hurt. I’ll keep watching my Pats, and if things get too bad I’ll just rewatch Super Bowl 36 again. I’ve been through worse with the team (read: Scott Zolak winning the only two games in an entire season) and I guess at this point the season can only get better.
September 8th, 2008 at 10:35 am
Did anyone else fall on the floor laughing when the SNF team was acting as if Brady’s injury was one of the saddest things that has ever happened to the NFL? And like he was out MVP and this is a shocker to everyone?!
Metal Jared…You also forgot to mention, “Actually, it’s really more about the Red Sox…” above.
/also has black, uncaring heart
September 8th, 2008 at 10:38 am
/joe theisman approves.
//so does the original LT.
September 8th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Herm: Hey Pollard, sweep the leg
Pollard: But coach?
Herm: Goddamnit man, sweep the leg, I’ve got $60 on the line
Pollard: OK coach, I’ll do it for the team
Croyle: Yeah!!! Get him a body bag!!!
Brady: If I only knew the Crane Kick, I’d get that bastard.
September 8th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Joe Gibbs has been avenged for last year’s asshat-edness
September 8th, 2008 at 10:49 am
@Tim: I really can’t stand baseball, its slow and boring. I’ll watch it if its on (which if you go anywhere in New England it unfortunatly is) but i haven’t turned a baseball game on all year. But you are correct most people in New England love that stupid outdated game so I guess they will be pacified until Late September/October
September 8th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Metal Jared = one of the [very few] rational Patriots fans.
September 8th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Can we live-blog his season-ending surgery?
September 8th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Happy Festivus, everyone!
any links to audio of the scream? either Brady’s or Tommy’s “Faaaaaaack” would do.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Yesterday I felt a great disturbance in the Force. As if an entire nation screamed “FACK” in unison and was then silent.
September 8th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Anybody else make $ betting against UM’s picks?
And can we get his picks for tonight ASAP?
September 8th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Die!!!!! All of you facks can fackin’ die! Fack you! You facks!
September 8th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Stupid Sexy Flanders:
You’re daughter’s at Gate D.
September 8th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Brett Farve = Increased ticket sales and an 8-8 season. Period, you stupid piece of shit New Yorkers.
September 9th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Pollard
October 18th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
hahahaha I’m still laughing!