Simmons Pretends Like He Learned His Lesson, Tries Not to Jinx Pats
A huge KSK leitmotif from last year was sharing our anguish about the insufferable, unending homerism that spewed forth from Bill Simmons weekly during the Pats historic road to the bed in which they shit out five months worth of discharge that Belichick kept hermetically sealed in their buttholes. Exulting in the comeuppance of his wanton hubris was probably the most fun his column has been in years.
Though he’s not done being a douche (”The Pats are no fun if I don’t think they’re gonna win a title. I’d rather talk about the Red Sox and the Celtics, preferably the ‘86 vintage”) he’s at least taking a humbler tack out of the gate (despite detailing how every team that has won a title since the Pats last one in ‘04 has been the beneficiary of inordinate amounts of luck. [Tuck rule reference goes here]). Therefore, he’s knocking the Pats all the way down to conference runners-up, presumably hoping this will gin up some positive karma for his team and he won’t have to sell any more “cursed” black player jerseys on eBay. Will this modesty hold firm? Almost certainly not.
Just in case, the bounty on his hands is set at $10. Do what you must.
We’re not taking any chances here people.
Tags: drew ain't thrilled about picking the vikes to miss the playoffs, fuck you bill simmons choke on my dick, the old enemies are back too, xmas ape
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September 4th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
I’ve given up reading his column since I’m sure he’s swallowed way too many Celtic loads since they won the title. Also with Pedroiaaaaaahhhhhh playing like he is, it’s just gotta be insufferable to even look at Page 2.
I think the Pats barely missing the playoffs this season after going 18-1 might be the best way to weed out all of their Sox jersey wearing fans from the bandwagon. My prediction…
September 4th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Dolphins fans tried this last year by picking their team to lose in the second round.
September 4th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
I thought this guy replaced Will?
Can’t wait for tonight
September 4th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
holy crap i think you guys have posted more articles today than over the entire summer combined! impossible to keep up! but completely awesome at the same time! woot!
September 4th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Bill Simmons is sad that he no longer has a legion of retards hanging on his every typed word…they are here – including myself.
/backhanded compliment.
September 4th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
I couldn’t bring myself to read that entire douchetacular column, but it sounds like Simmons hates ugly blacks.
September 4th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
The douchiest statement in the whole spew had to be: John McCain should hire the guys who did “Hard Knocks” to follow around Sarah Palin’s family for five weeks for a reality show. Combined with Palin’s speech last night, McCain could salvage this thing yet!
It all makes sense….the douchebagginess, the implicit bigotry….why didn’t we figure out he was a Republican before now?
Probably had something to do with the amount of weed his wife smokes but who knows….
September 4th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
I’d like to congratulate Simmons on going an entire column without letting Kevin Garnett’s coin purse come to rest on his chin a single time. Well done! Now, if he could somehow get over this idea that the entire world gives a pig’s tit what his old man thinks, he might really be getting somewhere.
September 4th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Wait, wait… is there a carryover from last year’s bounty?
September 4th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Sure
September 4th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
@undeserved: Simmons is clearly a liberal. No Republican would ever say McCain needs to salvage his campaign. They all think he is winning. Plus, he has lived in Boston and LA. You can’t get much more liberal than that.
September 4th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
Dont forget Simmons tried to get Obama on his podcast but ESPN shot it down. I know you want him to be a Republican so you can make up more reasons to hate him, but he’s definitely a Dem.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:04 am
Anyone who has read him for any amount of time knows he’s a liberal Dem. Plenty of disparaging references to Bush (GW, not Reggie).
It actually all fits. Typical know it all who is annoying, tells you how to live your life, and sits at home watching tv all day. Definite Dem.
September 5th, 2008 at 1:48 am
Who cares what his political affiliation is….I still hate him.
September 5th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Another notable observation:
The Colts will squeak into the playoffs, and the Jags will win the AFC South.
Simmons has gone full retard.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:16 am
@Madonna
Yup. You got me. I guess I can just keep hating him for being a huge douche and a bit of a bigot.