Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week: Week 3
Here are some things that pissed me off this week:
- When someone’s dog is barking, and the owner doesn’t try to make it stop.
- When I’m driving in the center lane of a highway, and people pass on the right even though the left lane is clear. Fuck you.
- Sarah Palin’s voice. Jesus Christ. Every time I hear her stupid cunty accent I want to cave in a retarded baby’s head with a brick.
- Hearing someone tell a story the second time.
- Sometimes I’ll walk my dog, and some bitchy mommy will pull her two-year-old back and be like, “Connor! Watch out, it’s a dog!” Yeah, a domesticated dog that’s better behaved than your little fuck trophy. Who’s destined to become gay, by the way.
- T.J. Houshmandzadeh. What gives you the right to have a monster day when you’re sitting on my bench? Thanks a lot, asshole.
- Contracts. Why do I have to print something out and fax it? Do you have any idea how hard that is for someone who works from home? You think they worried about this stuff in the Middle Ages? No. People just PayPal’d each other for whatever services were rendered. Like, chain mail repair and wench rental and stuff.
- Motorcycles. Do you ride a motorcycle? Guess what, you’re an asshole.
- New York City airports. You know, in San Diego, the airport is right next to downtown, on a piece of prime real estate right on the water. It’s probably a huge loss to the city in terms of potential revenue… and it is AWESOME. You can be anywhere in the city and get to the airport in, like, five minutes. JFK and LaGuardia and Newark can all go get fucked. I say pave Central Park and make it Ufford International. Brilliant idea, or brilliantest idea?
Anyhoo, this week’s Meast is Ronnie Brown. 117 yards and five touchdowns to end the Patriots’ 21-game regular season winning streak with an embarrassing blowout in Foxborough? Yep, that’ll do.
Tags: captain caveman, Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week
September 25th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
So I was walking my dog down the street and this mommy…
September 25th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Pave central park and call it Ufford Intl’. Nice. Fuck Laguardia and JFK. And while were at it, fuck LAX.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
i thought i was just crazy, but when i have to listen to my wife telling the same story on the phone to everyone she knows, i really want to punch her. especially since she tells a story wrong over and over. and then after i correct her, she still tell it wrong. fuck! “amy, horseballs was 17 for 41, not 15 for 65.”
quit recounting facts incorrectly!
/angry
September 25th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Outside of looks, Sarah Palin reminds me of every dental hygienist I’ve ever had.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
I knew when I saw Ronnie Brown saving his career with each of the 5 TD, he would have this award. It’s sad in a way, that when I saw his highlight clip, all I could think of in my head was “well he’s the Meast”.
/fumbles tee
September 25th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
fcuk trophy…..LOL
September 25th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I had it. I was there. And then, I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one’s ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this… I came as close as anyone ever has.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
…cunty accent…
Uff, I think that’s a typographical err-Oh, I see.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Wow CC is a big phag than I thought.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Connor won’t be gay because his mom over protects him from dogs, he’ll be gay because his name is Connor.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
But Ben Roethlisberger rides a motorcycle, and Dog the Bounty Hunter, and my step-dad, and …
Oh. I see. Well done.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
your little fuck trophy
wow. just wow.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
You know what really grinds my gears?
People letting their rabbid dogs come within striking distance of my precious, sweet one year old kid. Koreans have the right idea…
September 25th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
If you’re getting passed on the right tell your grandma to move over a lane.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
It’s nice being five minutes from National Airport, but there’s no fucking jet blue!
September 25th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
When I’m driving in the center lane of a highway, and people pass on the right even though the left lane is clear
then get the fuck over in the right lane, grandma
September 25th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
@ 289, thank you sir
September 25th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
T.J. Houshmandzadeh. What gives you the right to have a monster day when you’re sitting on my bench?
Well if you would have gotten him his glass of water, you wouldn’t have had that problem - would you?
September 25th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
@j4b
Housh doesn’t want you to get up and get him a glass of water. He wants you to sympathize, to say, “I too know what it’s like to be thirsty.”
September 25th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
@289
@flubby
I’m in the center lane to pass people, fuckfaces. Sorry, I forgot that it’s cool to drive like an asshole.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Gooch, you have to say that with the annoying as fuck NY woman accent.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Ive been forcing my dog to take his shits next to the balcony of this bitch that asked me how i could have a pit bull and not be worried he would attack me… and he drops some titanic loads that fucking funk it up all the way around the corner where i retreat to laughing my ass off everytime he leaves a dump at her door step.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Palin’s voice is like the Fargo chick, only I don’t want the Fargo chick ending up in a woodchipper.
“There is an island off the Alaskan coast where you can see Russia!” We’re fucked if Cryptkeeper wins.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
T.J. Houshmandzadeh + Bench = Asshole.
I couldn’t agree more.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
You know, in San Diego, the airport is right next to downtown, on a piece of prime real estate right on the water. It’s probably a huge loss to the city in terms of potential revenue… and it is AWESOME. You can be anywhere in the city and get to the airport in, like, five minutes.
Meanwhile, Qualcomm Stadium is out in the middle of fucking nowhere
September 25th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Sorry, I forgot that it’s cool to drive like an asshole.
Let this be your reminder then.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
“I say pave Central Park and make it Ufford International.”
But where will people go on their lunch hour to smoke weed? Will you provide a smoking area to accomodate? And a “wilding” area for the local youth to rape and rob joggers and tourists?
September 25th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
your little fuck trophy
i thought children were a punishment for sex?
September 25th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
T.J. Houshmandzadeh + Starting Lineup = Won matchup last week.
Don’t draft him if you’re not gonna stick with the Thirsty Persian. I mean it’s not like he’s Lee Evans. AM I RIGHT? HUH? HUH? FUCK YOU!!!
September 25th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
If you work from home, you need to “Print to Fax.” Get a Printer/Fax/Copier combo or eFax service. Faxing ain’t going away.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Will Ufford International put a Sonic in the Food Court? Sonic advertises about 35 times per day in the NYC market, and the closest Sonic is in fucking Maryland! THAT pisses me off. Put a Sonic in Ufford International, and I’m in.
(And no, Sean Kemp making smoothies at Papaya Hut to pay for his child support does NOT count as a “Sonic in the Food Court.”)
September 25th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
@ognihs: That’s how those bitchy trophy wives keep the sucker husbands on the hook. The “fuck trophy” kid keeps the “monthly allowance” flowing to mommy for her spa days and Vicodin.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
[quietly returns motorcycle to dealership]
September 25th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Outside of looks, Sarah Palin reminds me of every dental hygienist I’ve ever had.
For the fucking win. I was trying to remember what marginally retarded, blathering person she reminded me of, and that’s it.
When McCain kicks, it’ll be a full term of President Boy Some Weather We’re Having, Eh?
September 25th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
@ jackin4beats
“The Thirsty Persian” , just had soda out my nose. That should become the name for a deviosu sexual manuever. As in;
“Did you hit that?”
“Yeah, totally gave her the Thirsty Persian”
“Aww man, that’s wrong”
September 25th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
And CC, I am intrigued by your views and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
Trying to drive out to fucking JFK anytime between 6am and, oh, 4am, is like the goddamn Bataan Death March. My wife and baby daughter flew out of there last week, and I seriously considered just putting them in a cab. “You’re on your own, sweets.”
The only thing missing from your manifesto is the car alarm. This isn’t Amish country, people. When the loud bells start ringing, we’re not all going to rush out into the streets with our pitchforks to chase off the crook breaking into your precious Audi. Hell, if I looked out my window and saw someone trying to break into a car with the loudass alarm going off, I’d hand him a brick to help break the window.
And then, for good measure, I’d walk across the street and shove the Good Humor guy’s music tape up his ass.
September 25th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Is Palin’s the Fargo accent? Or Youper? And how the hell did the upper Midwest accent jump across all those states and get to Alaska? Washingtonians and Oregonians don’t talk like that.
September 25th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
So what happens if you are taken in the right lane and are passed by an asshole on a bike?
September 25th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
your little fuck trophy
I will be the fourth person to register my enjoyment of this phrase.
September 25th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
When McCain kicks, it’ll be a full term of President Boy Some Weather We’re Having, Eh?
+ eleventy
jesus h i can’t fucking wait for these two to get exposed for the clowns that they are.
/gets off soapbox
RAWR FOOBAW!
September 25th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
You know what is also awesome? seeing Ronnie Brown on the bench of my fantasy opponent.
September 25th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
I don’t have anything real to contribute except that I’d like to thank Maj for calling National by it’s correct name.
/grew up below the beltway, wants to punch people who call it “Reagan”
September 25th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
@CC
If you are passing someone who is in the right lane, then how can someone pass you in the right lane? You probably are that guy driving for 5 miles with his turn signal on too.
September 25th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Who else hates pants?
September 25th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
You should all meet and write for tv…classic…I’m ashamed I found this site following up on Charles Haley’s antics.
September 25th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
@Hop Union: I’m trademarking “Thirsty Persian” as we speak and will give it a perverted sexual meaning ASAP.
September 25th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
boy, bricks through retarded baby heads, i may have to draw the li……..
my head just got bashed by a brick
September 25th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
“Meanwhile, Qualcomm Stadium is out in the middle of fucking nowhere”
Hate to break it to you, but Mission Valley isn’t the middle of nowhere. Now if Qualcomm was out in fucking Santee or Chula Vista or El Cajon or up in Miramar then we could talk…
September 25th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
/grew up below the beltway, wants to punch people who call it “Reagan”
What’s more ironic? Naming a major airport after the president who fired all the air traffic controllers? Or naming the biggest federal building in town after the president who always railed against the federal government?
September 25th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
New York City airports. . .JFK and LaGuardia and Newark can all go get fucked.
Denver’s airport is like 500 miles from the actual city.
September 25th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Palin’s voice IS really fucking annoying. Also, wench rental would be pretty cool. And I eagerly await the definition of “Thirsty Persian.”
September 25th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
He’s gonna have someone’s cock in his mouth before you can say Jack Robinson.
/Reg Dunlop
September 25th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
my 2 year old is named Connor. What are you saying?
September 25th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
+1 on the Housh. Bet that is his biggest day of the season, too. I hope he suddenly becomes an “enemy combatant” of the government.
September 25th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
My neighbor has a fucking rooster that goes off at 330 in the morning. DId I mention I don’t live on a farm or anywhere near one? Looks like I might be adding a new type of meat to my chili this week.
September 25th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Don’t use up all of the Palin jokes now, save them for when she becomes President in about a year and a half.
September 26th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
motorcycle=asshole……well put
September 26th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Worse is being in the center lane when someone comes roaring up right behind you, so you start to move over into the right lane, and then he does, so you’ve gotta scramble back.
Also maddening: people who stop and stand right in front of doorways, at the top or bottom of an escalator, on a stairwell, in the middle of a hallway, etc.
Gold Coast airport in Australia is right across from the beach. Check in for your flight, go for a swim, smoke a bowl, then it’s back to the terminal.
September 26th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
And people say sexism is dead.
Never mind me! Back to your chest-beating, little caveboys! Don’t let the bricks bash you in the head on the way back to your little fire pits.
September 27th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
I’m no. 5 on “your little fuck trophy”. Brilliant! Hopefully some rabid dog will bite mommy’s face off and validate that fear for her and Connor….