Sean Taylor Memorial Meast Of The Week – Week 2
Mormons are harassing me. No joke. I somehow got on a Mormon calling list, and now I’ve been besieged by Mormons nonstop. I’ve had solicitations at my door on weekends. They called the house at 10PM the other night. They keep saying, “We understand Drew requested information about the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Saints.” I did not request such information. I could be trapped in a giant death maze filled with bloodthirsty minotaurs, where the only key to escaping lies in clues that can only be found in the Book of Mormon, and I would still not request such information.
And yet they persist.
Let me just lay down the law for you right now, Mormonfolk: GO THE FUCK AWAY. I don’t want to join your completely retarded fucking cult. The only reason you aren’t the complete laughingstock of organized religions is because Scientology is still around. The founder of your faith dictated the Book of Mormon while staring at stones he put in to his fucking hat.
What a fucking dingbat.
Actually, you know what? I have some useful information I’d like to share with YOU, you door-knocking babyfuckers. Maybe I should call you in the middle of the night to let you know your faith is based upon the teachings of a known fraud. You blond assholes.
I don’t want your books. I don’t want sister wives. I don’t want to wear long underwear when I screw. I don’t want to pretend it’s 1950 all the fucking time. I don’t want to stop being an alcoholic. Take your creepy smiles, and your golden plates, and your terrible architecture and cram it all up your ass. Go find some semi-retarded rube who will actually buy your bullshit religion. America is fucking LOADED with rural tardbillies who would love nothing more than to be brainwashed by your laughably stupid ideas. But I ain’t one of them. So kindly fuck the fuck off.
Your Mini-Meast of the Week is Darren Sproles.
Little, tiny Darren Sproles, who could have easily fit in Joseph Smith’s hat. 125 total yards. One return TD. Not a bad day of spot duty, despite the stolen victory. AND he’s not a Mormon. Thank God (God, incidentally, also thinks Mormons are imbeciles).
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, god's chosen assholes, Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week, there should be a LAW dammit
September 17th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
No love for Justin Tuck, eh?
September 17th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
True story. Some Mormons come to my door the other day and wanted to make a pitch to me. I explained that I’m presbyterian. Undeterred, they make a case for Mormonism, with one guy saying: “Did you know that Joseph Smith only had a third-grade education?” This was his case for Joseph Smith.
Unbelievable.
September 17th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Lucy Harris: Did you ever think he (Joseph Smith) was just making this up?
Chorus: Lucy Harris-smart-smart-smart-smart. Martin Harris-dum-dum-dum-dumb
September 17th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Dumb, dumb, dumb - if you have never seen the south park episode about mormonism please take thirty minutes out of your day and watch it.
September 17th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
I’d officially like to request usage of the word “tardbillies” when referring to Steeler fans this week.
September 17th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
I vote we nickname Sproles The Pocket Rocket. Gents, if the reference is lost on you, a quick Google search should suffice.
September 17th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
@johndewar
As in, “Fuck our team lost to a bunch of tardbillies!”?
I’ll allow it.
September 17th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
You think that’s bad. Try quitting that batshit crazy religion.
“Daniel, we think you’d make a great missionary.”
“But I quit 6 years ago.”
“So have you given any thought to going on a mission?”
“No, I’m having too much fun getting laid and drinking.”
“Well, we’d love to have you back.”
“No, you’d love to have 10% of my paycheck back”
“I just want you to have the blessings that come with tithing”
“And I just want you to stop calling me, I haven’t even set foot in church in 6 years.”
Annoying as all shit.
September 17th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
@futuremrsrickankiel: “…a quick Google search should suffice.”
So would a brief demonstration.
Don’t worry — I’m slapping myself in the face at this very moment.
September 17th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
tardbillies is the BEST WORD EVER!
September 17th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
@Futuremrs - Pandora’s box has officially been opened.
September 17th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Relax. I’m obviously a fat, pasty 35-year-old man with bacne and Slim Jim breath posing as a girl for attention.
September 17th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
I always preferred “hilljacks” but tardbillies is definitely going in my verbal repertoire.
\would still do futuremrs.
September 17th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
@fmra: It’s okay, I’m into that.
September 17th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Did anyone else notice that the Exmormons site you linked was part of the Mormon Web Ring? Are all mormons as dumb as Mitt Romney?
September 17th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
no meast for felix jones? 247 return yards and a 98 yd td return?
September 17th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
I definitly like the word tardbilly. It fits Eagles fans succintly!
September 17th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Jim McMahon went to Brigham Young and he definitely doesn’t fit that BYU profile. What the Hell was that like for him to be in Provo?
September 17th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
doesn’t the book of mormon say the garden of eden was in louisiana? I mean seriously, these people are dumb as shit.
September 17th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Cmon dude, Jesus came over on the land bridge.
September 17th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Mini Dagger–the Garden of Eden *ahem* was actually in Independence, Missouri. And yeah, “dumb as shit” sums it up nicely.
I left the church about seven years ago (yay for beer, porn and blasphemy!) but I *still* get phone calls and uninvited visits. They gotta get that money! Temples aren’t going to build themselves, you know.
September 17th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
mini d - nicely explains the great flood though, don’t it?
/feeling a Brees
September 17th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
This would be more amusing if I didn’t live in Utah and have to deal with the MoMo’s all the time.
September 17th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
I might have given them your name, Drew.
September 17th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Currently dating a Mormon. Swimsuit Zone respect like what!
/balls…so blue…ever so blue…
September 17th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
futuremrs…
Calvin Murphy is the one and only “Pocket Rocket.”
Now, if Darren Sproles can somehow top Calvin’s untouchable record of 14 kids from 8 different women, then *maybe* we can discuss re-assignment of nicknames.
September 17th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
As a current Mormon, I invite you to scroll down to Gary’s words at the end of the episode. Thanks.
http://www.southparkstuff.com/season_7/episode_712/epi712script/
/shows self door
September 17th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Nice ones honey, but you can’t because you’re Mormon? I can’t either; I just lost my erection over you being a bad lay because of it.
September 17th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
ReFlaWa!
September 17th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
@skillkill
We’ll heed Gary’s advice when the phone calls stop. Respect goes both ways.
Oh, and everybody knows Mormon girls are sluts, just sluts who somehow are still horrible in the sack.
September 17th, 2008 at 7:13 pm
@ El Duke
Yeah, to an extent, some of my people need to work on that respect issue. 176 years of verbal beatdowns kind of gives you a complex.
September 17th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Eastend: She wouldn’t be a BAD lay–she wouldn’t be any kind of lay at all. The problem isn’t that mormon girls become super ashamed/repressed or whatever, in fact, in my experience they are DYING for it…they just get super conflicted and end up ’stopping things before they get too far’, which is code for ‘i am so moist if this continues i will be surely violating The Code’.
Although I’ve heard tales that they can be broken if you apply the right pressure…start by getting them to drink cola, then just be a reassuring daddy figure….at least thats what i’ve heard.
RE: Stupid beliefs–hint: ALL RELIGIOUS ORIGIN STORIES ARE EQUALLY RETARDED. Oh yeah, rib-woman corrupted by talking snake, that shit makes a LOT of sense. So if you’re willing to accept that maybe it isnt actually the narrative that counts, but the belief system, mormons are doing aiight for themselves (example: no real concept of hell…even the worst afterlife you could be getting is better than this mortal realm, plus, if you do well enough, you get to become a God of your own which is totally badass)
September 17th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Dear Drew,
I loved every fucking word. EVERY FUCKING WORD. No Homo.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
@skillkill
Hundreds of years of verbal and literal beat downs hasn’t cause the Jews to continuously call me.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Fuck, scratch that last part. Post work cheesing has me reading shit wrong.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
Mormons are not allowed to to eat or drink any products with caffeine in them or use tabacco. That is reason enough for me not to trust them.
September 17th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
drew has gone mainstream. i remember watching my son drew hating on yours truly, back in the FKS days. talk about taking it easy on me.
September 17th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Pfft. You people are amateurs.
There’s a simple solution to all harrassing phone calls, Mormon and otherwise.
It’s called an airhorn.
September 17th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
While I won’t apoligize for my beliefs (some of which thewholefnshow mentioned), there are few things I am sorry about:
- Todd Heap’s hamstring
- Andy Reid’s inability to cheat as well as Bill Belichick in Championship Games
- Jeff Kent (but that’s in baseball, so who cares?)
- The John Beck- Dolphins relationship
- Steve Young (I hate the 49ers and I hate his goofy perm)
September 17th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
It sounds more like someone is fucking with you and gave your name to the Mormons. Why would you be mad at the Mormons for that? It’d be like someone filling out magazine subscription cards with your name and address and getting all pissed off at the magazines company for sending you the magazine and the shitty gifts.
“THOSE DAMN BASTARDS AT PARENTS!!! I’M NOT A PARENT AND I SURE DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK IS THE BEST WAY TO REAR THE RETARDED BASTARDS THAT YOU AND THE FUCKERS LIKE YOU BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD!!!”
“I DON’T WANT THIS HISTORY OF THE KANSAS CITY ROYALS DVD!!! THE FUCKING ROYALS ARE THE WORST TEAM EVER!!! THOSE CAPITALIST MONEY-GRUBBING BASTARDS AT SPORTS ILLUSTRATED NEED TO RECOGNIZE THAT THE KIND OF SECOND RATE BASEBALL THEY ARE FORCING DOWN MY THROAT WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!!! FUCK ALL OF THEM, ESPECIALLY PETER KING!!!”
I mean, find the douchebag that gave your name to the Mormons and beat his ass, don’t go on a rant that exposes you as a bigoted asshole.
September 17th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
@El Duke
Yeah, but hundreds of years of verbal and literal beat downs has made jews unable to not bring up the holocaust at any moment possible. I’ll tkae the annoying phone calls. at least i can hang up.
September 17th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
My favorite is when the Mormons come to the student apartments at/near Notre Dame. Like, seriously, Catholics are the fucking LAST people you are gonna convert, assholes. Also, missions/BYU turned two of my friends into total weirdos, so fuck those, too.
The Maj is too obvious. I think flubby is the one playing a prank on you, Drew. No one would ever suspect him!
September 17th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
I’d rant about Mormons and crazy ass religions and futuremrs’ Pocket Rocket, but I’ve been too busy staring at the Megan Fox GQ spread since lunch.
For the record, I eat lunch at 11am.
September 17th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Shoulda been you, Justin Tuck
September 17th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Haha, we got rid of all of them years ago… unfortunately, like a bad case of herpes 1000s of them return every summer.
http://www.hillcumorah.org/Pageant/
September 17th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
The only way for Drew to get back at this guy is to put his name on the NAMBLA list.
PS to Grunge Dave — do you have power?
September 18th, 2008 at 12:38 am
That’s what I respect about the Masons, etc., they may be batshit psuedo-religious conspiracists, but they keep to themselves.
September 18th, 2008 at 12:39 am
Why do I think Buzz Bissinger might be behind this? And, I also approve of “tardbillies” and plan to use it in my daily conversation. I learn so much from KSK.
And Megan Fox is hot, but her face being about 4 shades lighter than her body in those pictures is kinda creeping me out.
September 18th, 2008 at 1:00 am
I seriously dated a Mormon girl once, and her entire congregation shunned her for dating a non-Mormon. No lie.
So, yeah, fuck the Mormons.
September 18th, 2008 at 2:07 am
@Gino Tourettsa:
McMahon was from when BYU was still recruiting non-Mor(m)ons. He talked about how much he hated it there in his book, but they were one of the few colleges running a pass-happy offense in the early 80’s.
September 18th, 2008 at 3:00 am
If every single mormon girl is that hot then I can’t complain about the religion…
September 18th, 2008 at 6:38 am
And Megan Fox is hot, but her face being about 4 shades lighter than her body in those pictures is kinda creeping me out.
*******
When the lights go out - they all look the same.
September 18th, 2008 at 8:54 am
My true story: When the doucebag mission kids came to my door, I told them I don’t believe in God. They got a few words out about giving it a try before I shut the door. Seriously? Do I look dumb enough to buy into fairy tales? That goes for you too, Catholicism. And the rest of religion.
@FMRA: touche.
September 18th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Man, you think being caught in a maze with minotaurs is funny? That shit ain’t funny! And for what it’s worth, I did scan through the Book of Mormon to see if there were any answers in there, and of course it was just a waste of time. Luckily, that one part of a maze had a locked door and I found a hidden gun safe behind the bookshelf with three (illegal in the U.S.) assault rifles, with about 3 extra clips each.
Eventually I was able to make it out of the labyrinth. That’s the last time I ever go to Greece. Or go out drinking Ouzo with complete strangers.
September 18th, 2008 at 10:06 am
I don’t think it was the fact that you were a non-Mormon, dinosaur. I think it was the foot long arms.
September 18th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Last time a mormon came by JAFO’s pad was a weekend. I was in the middle of a stellar wake-and-bake, when the door was knocked upon. I answered and let the cagey mormon fucktards in, only for my own amusement. No real haha here, but they did leave after I offered them bong rips. I ignored most of what they were saying, just sort let out an affirmative sound every so often.
September 18th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Sorry bout the double post but uh…. Jeff Kent is Fackin mah-mun?!?!?!? DAMMIT.
/Don’t care if Megan Fox’s face dosen’t match the tone of fan-tab-ulous bod. CHERRIES!!!
September 18th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
At first, I was thinking, “Ohhh, I bet God is pissed at BDD right now.”
But then I realized that God has not a fucking thing to do with this post.
September 19th, 2008 at 12:00 am
I like to sniff the mormon women’s magic underwear.
September 19th, 2008 at 9:34 am
This made my morning.
September 21st, 2008 at 1:45 pm
I bet she can. And does.
September 22nd, 2008 at 11:52 pm
I’m an active Latter Day Saint, and I would like to say that most Mormons are good people, mainly those who don’t live in areas densely populated with other Mormons. That said, the most pretentious pricks I’ve ever encountered were fans, students, and alumni of BYU. I hate that school so much.