[4th quarter, Jets score a TD to cut San Diego's lead to 18]

Eric Mangini: We’re going for two.

Brett Favre: Nah, cummonthere Coach, duntwewannabe kickin dat bawl gittinusdown buh 17 poinsan gittintoo tuchday-owns inna fielgolen tiedispuppy up?

Eric: You heard me, Hee Haw. Slot left 535 razor monkey.

Brett: Ulright youda boss.

[Runs play, conversion fails, penalty called on defense]

Eric: What the hell happened out there?

Brett: Thempokeyboys wearindemstripeys donecalled penuldyonna deefey-nsin gonnamovdaball up–

Eric: I can see that, you fucking hilljack. Why didn’t you run the play I sent in?

Brett: Aw cummonthere Coach yewknow ol’ Brett dunlikedat monkeyrazor play no more thenna fiddlewit nostrings, lemme tellya.

Eric: I have no idea what you just said, but run the damn play I gave you this time.

Brett: Cummonthere Coach lemmerundat dangballup damiddlen gitdeez twopoin forya.

Eric: Just do it, you hogfucking hick.

Brett: Ulright youda boss.

[Runs play, conversion fails, penalty called on defense]

Eric: Goddammit, whaddaya doin’ out there?

Brett: Heydere Coach Laveranues wannaknow whywekawldatplay monkeyrazor, cuz heebeethinkin itsa bit racisten Iwannatellim itwadn’t butnow ol’Brett idn’t alldatshore it ain’t.

Eric: Is that why you didn’t run the play? Because you thought it was racist?

Brett: Now, cummonthere Coach ol’ Brett dunntoldya ainthavindat monkeyrazor play, notwhen 244 gypsy checkwitme workin’ somuchbedder, lemme tellya.

Eric: You don’t know the monkey razor play, do you Brett?

Brett: Nosir, aintgotta Gatdang clue.

Eric: Just tell Stuckey to run to the corner and throw it to him.

Brett: Hey coach, alligottadu stickdaballun mah bellybuttonin breethoutreel biggin wegonna gitdat toopoincunvershun, lemme tellya.

Eric: [confused] Why don’t you ever talk like this on TV?

Brett: Cummonthere coach playclockgonna runnout onnus now juslemme rundatbawl inthere.

Eric: Hey! Farmer Fuckhead! Throw it to  Stuckey!

Brett: Ulright youda boss.

[Runs play, pass incomplete]

Eric: You gotta execute better than that, goatfucker.

Brett: Imgonnatell Laveranues you saiddat.

Eric: [to himself] Maybe we should onside kick it again.

I don’t know. I think you got the wrong guy. Are you sure? Maybe there’s another Trent Green at this resort. I mean, if I wasn’t wearing this name tag I wouldn’t even know my name was Trent. I thought I was a Raymond. Maybe there was a misunderstanding.

I was just here enjoying the day with… what’s your name? Brenda! And…what’s your name? Alicia! And you show up out of nowhere saying you want me to quarterback your football team? Who does that?

Why do people keep saying I’m a football player? I don’t remember doing that. Just the other day, Troy Aikman stopped by to tell me he knows how I feel. What does that mean? I’m not gay.

Anyway, it was very kind of you to offer but I wouldn’t know where to begin. Stop by the concierge. Hopefully they can clear things up for you. And here, try a shrimp puff, they’re outstanding.

Say.

What team did you say you’re with again?

The Rams?

Rams.

Hmmmmmm.

Rrrrraaaaammmmsss.

Nope. Drawing a blank. Take care, friend!

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, you stupid, incompetent, boneheaded, pathetic, inept, foolish, idiotic, retarded, braindead, arrogant, reckless, oblivious, shitheaded lump of a man.

You Lions fans may want to go to the hospital and fill out a mental rape kit, so police will have trace evidence of just what Mr. Millen did to you.

And Millen, if you go anywhere near a broadcast booth after this, I think I speak for the people of Detroit when I say you better make sure that booth has been fireproofed. Folks from that town are quite adept at burning shit.

Look at Favre in that Jets uniform, Mike. Isn’t it surreal to see him in a Jets uniform? I mean, if you’re a Green Bay fan, could you ever have imagined IN A MILLION YEARS, that Favre would end up in a Jets uniform? I mean, is that not just utterly SURREAL to you? That, after all this time as a Packer, he would end up with a team like the Jets? Could you ever have foreseen this IN A MILLION YEARS?!

Oh my God, Philip Rivers just threw a pick-six! Jaws, that has to be devastating, DOES IT NOT?! I mean, is that just not utterly DEVASTATING to this team, when you think of the way they started the season? First, they have Jake Delhomme throw that last second TD pass, then they get the Hochuli non-call, and then THIS? I mean, if you’re a Charger player or coach, are you not TOTALLY AND UTTERLY DEVESTATED by a play like that? Do you think, a thousand years from now, people in San Diego will look at that play and say to each other, “That is where it all started to go wrong”? Doesn’t that have the potential to be THAT kind of play?

Oh, my God! Look at Favre throw that pass! He threw it off his back foot! Is that not classic FAVRE? I mean, I know I say this all the time, but isn’t that the kind of throw only FAVRE can pull off? Look at that, Jaws! HE IS THROWING OFF OF HIS BACK FOOT! LOOK! Can you imagine, in a million years, any other quarterback doing that?! Is that NOT what the Jets brought him here for? I mean, if you’re a Jets fan, are you not ECSTATIC that you now have a quarterback who can make that kind of throw? When you think of all the plays Brett Favre has made over the years, is that not just the CLASSIC example of what he does better than ANYONE?!

Oh, my God! Philip Rivers just threw a TD pass! HOW HUGE WAS THAT! Think about what this team just went through! They start off oh and two. OH AND TWO. Not two and oh. Not one and one. OH AND TWO. And then they start this game right off the bat by getting a pick returned for a touchdown. I mean, you simply COULD NOT start off the season in worse fashion. But now they scored a touchdown! Mike, how HUGE was that? If this Charger team goes on to win a Super Bowl, is this NOT the sort of play they will look to as the play where everything turned around?!

Jaws, hey Jaws, psst Jaws, yo Jaws, you know Rivers kinda threw that ball off his back foot. DID HE NOT?! I know, I know, I know! You’re not going to say it, BUT I AM GOING TO SAY IT. Were there not shades of FAVRE in that throw? Could Rivers be a sort of young FAVRE to these San Diego fans?! If you’re a Charger fan, is that NOT the kind of Favrian throw you want to see your quarterback pull off?

OH MY GOD FAVRE JUST THREW A PICK SIX! Isn’t that a reversal, Mike? I mean, is that not a COMPLETE 180 from what we just saw?! Did you ever think the Chargers would start off the game with a pick six, and would not only have the fortitude to come back, BUT TO GET A PICK SIX OF THEIR OWN?! I mean, is that not the ultimate redemption?! HOW HAPPY ARE YOU RIGHT NOW IF YOU’RE A CHARGER FAN?!

Jaws, about that Favre throw: is that not the sort of deal with the devil you make if you’re the Jets? I mean, IS THAT NOT WHAT YOU SIGN UP FOR WHEN YOU BRING IN A GUY LIKE FAVRE?!

I know, I know. I say it all the time. BUT I JUST HAD TO SAY IT FOUR HUNDRED MORE TIMES!

Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 3 in the NFL happen as they did.

I am mysterious. No one knows why I do the things I do. And frankly, I like it that way. It keeps people on their toes. I don’t want people relaxing around Me. I mean, shit. I’m fucking GOD, you know? Gotta keep the people trembling before Me. Ever have someone tremble before you? God, what a rush. Or should I say, “Me, what a rush”!

Take the Raiders of Oakland and the Bengals of Cincinnati, for instance. Both of these teams are an abomination in My eyes, filled with unrepentant sinners and disgraceful doers of Lucifer’s work, although I find Chris Henry charming in his own rakish manner (like Me, Chris knows puberty=consent). I do not like these teams. They do not fear Me as much as I would like. That’s why I gave both of them a real good cockblockin’ this week.

You see how both teams seemed on the verge of pulling near monumental upsets, only to have those victories cruelly pulled out from underneath them? That was all Me. I did that. See, you Raiders and Bengals fans might pray to me at night, asking that your undying loyalty to either inept team be repaid with some sort of karmic correction on my part. You’ve suffered greatly through the past few years. Surely, I can throw you a bone, yes?

See, that’s just what I want you to think. That is why I allowed Carson Palmer to hit TJ Houshmandzadeh on that late TD pass. I really wanted you fans to think I was gonna come through this time.

Then BAM! I fucked you right in the ass. Trademark God move, right there. I like to bring you to precipice, give ya just a little taste, and then yank the rug out from underneath you. Works every time. You should have seen the looks on your faces. God, I’m good. Oops, there I go talking in the third person again!

That’s where I really tend to excel. I make you humans suffer through calamity after calamity. And then, just when you think you’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel, just when you think the heavy burden of your life will finally ease (what with all the war, and disease, and economic hardship), I give you a good, HARD reaming, like a Marine back for the weekend.

Why do I do it? Well, I could explain it to you. I could tell you My grand plan for everything, which may or may not involve rocket-powered skateboards. But it’s much more fun, frankly, to NOT tell you. To have you scurrying around trying to figure out the answer, like 6 billion little Scott Linehans. Me dammit, that is fun.

What else did I do this week? Oh, I miraculously healed Ronnie Brown’s knee. But, he hit South Beach after the game, so I think I’ll make that cartilage flare up again. I also made sure the Browns went 0-3. When Brady Quinn starts, I’ll see if I can make them go 0-542, because what he does in club bathrooms nauseates me. I made the Jaguars beat the Colts, because Greggy Easterbrook tells me the Colts don’t pray as forcefully as they used to. Oh, and I made New England lose. I’m sick of Bill Belichick trying to tempt my kid with bread and loose women.

Oh, did you not know he was Satan? You people are so naïve.

Thanks God! Stick around more divine analysis all year long!

[Detroit, modern day the future!]

A horrid hellscape where traces of life are rarely apparent beyond the odd skittering insect. The air is choked by fluttering debris and the smell of offal. A solitary figure, faintly visible in the distance, hove into view.
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Via the screen-capturing genius of Awful Announcing comes news that the Green Party has found yet another populist asshole as its candidate of choice. I can only assume President Favre asked a tractor to be his running mate, and that Peter King has a wardrobe of blue dresses ready for Favre’s mighty gun stains.

Favre has already locked up the entire small town tardbilly demographic, which of course makes up 80% of the American electorate. They love him because he hunts, you see. Say, do you know the difference between a football dad and a pit bull? The pit bull isn’t a fucking idiot.

I look forward to Favre trying to bomb Iran, only to end up hitting New Zealand instead.

A couple weeks back we took you inside a Patriots tailgate. (Just in the nick of time too, from what we understand Pats fans have decided football season is officially over. Go Sawx!) Today, we take a look at what is apparently a tradition at Bills’ tailgates: mustard and ketchup showers off the back of an Econoline van.

0:10 Why do I get the feeling that one or more of those people lives in that van?

0:25 A disgusting act. Joe Buck’s panties are now in a wad.

0:51 Meth-addled skank taunts Raider fans. Skank-in-training reluctantly helps.

1:03 “I can see you’re not a golfer.”

1:16 ‘Peter puffer’? Really??? That’s all you got? If this tailgate was in Oakland someone would be swinging around a cinderblock on the end of a tow chain and you guys are doling out some insults that wouldn’t get a rise out of a third-grader.

1:26 I was going to make a joke at the expense of big girl in the orange shirt, but then I realized he’s probably one of the Buffalo Jills.

2:17 This must be Teddy Kenny. Based on the chant, I surmise that he is a big fan of the ketchup.

2:55 MONEY SHOT!!!

3:33 Now that I think about it, this should happen to anyone who puts ketchup on a hot dog.

If any Bills fans care to shed some light on this curious pregame ritual, we’d like to hear it.

Oddly enough, only one of these guys is one of the schmucks in question.

When Dan Snyder announced his takeover of DC’s SportsTalk 980 I knew we were in a shitload of trouble. Just two weeks into the season Mr. Snyder, unhappy with the negative tone of the local media, inserted his own right-hand-man Vinny Cerrato into the station’s lineup. So now the Redskins Executive Vice President of Football Operations (basically a castrated GM) gets to play radio host a couple of times a week in an attempt to skew the coverage back towards the positive along with Snyder-approved guests like the loathsome George Michael.

Needless to say, nobody in their right mind thought this was anything close to a good idea. And not just because the guy running the team should probably have something better to do with his afternoons than to shill for his own franchise, instead it’s because everybody knows that Vinny Cerrato is a worthless prick.

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Bruce Arians: All right, Bruce. Think for a moment. Dick LeBeau always gets the credit for being the genius coordinator on this team. They all want to blame you for the playoff loss to Jacksonville. But here’s where you’re gonna show ‘em. You’re gonna put their doubts to rest, their minds at ease, their pants at knee level. By gum, you’re gonna dazzle ‘em!

Arians: Okay Ben. We had a pretty good first drive, but this is what I’m thinking for the rest of the game.

Ben Roethlisberger: GLUG GLUG GLUG

Arians: I’m gonna need you to stop drinking for a moment and pay attention, Ben.

Roethlisberger: HOKAY

Arians: They’re bringing the house on every single down. Rather than counteract that with some runs or screen passes or quick slants, I say we play directly into their hands. It’s just daring enough to work. What do you think?

Roethlisberger: YOU’RE THE COACH, COACH

Arians: Yes. Yes I am, aren’t I?

Arians: All right, guys. Our QB is taking a lot of heat. So I’m gonna need you to run a bunch of fly patterns that take forever to develop.

Hines Ward: All you sule, Alien? That sound rike exact long thing to do.

Arians: Look, dammit, don’t question me. I’m the coach. THE coach.

Nate Washington: Eh, I’ll drop it no matter what you call.

Arians: That’s what I like to hear, Nate. Way to be a team player.

Hines: It youl funelar…

Arians: Phew. Okay. Good. Okay. I think we’re gonna be aaaallllllll right.
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