In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.
Marvin: Hey, Chad! Get down here. It’s time for us to study game film. We gotta get some work done if we’re gonna dig out of this hole!
Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! Just finishing something up!
Marvin: Finishing something up? C’mon, Chad! Let’s move! We have some serious work to do here.
Ocho: Okay, okay, okay, I’m here. But I just wanted to show you something. I’ve been thinking a lot, Coach. I’ve been thinking about, like, the world and shit. I saw this movie about global warming, and it really opened my mind.
Marvin: You mean “An Inconvenient Truth”?
Ocho: No, it was “The Day After Tomorrow.” Did you know Dennis Quaid was a scientist? I did NOT know that. I thought he was just an actor.
Marvin: He IS an actor, Chad. He was only portraying a scientist. But he isn’t actually a scientist.
Ocho: Whoa ho yo, you didn’t see the movie. I did. Okay? He really knew his shit.
Marvin: No, he was reading lines off of a script. Lines written by a writer. He isn’t a scientist.
Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that.
Marvin: Yes, I do.
Ocho: No, you don’t.
Marvin: Yes, I do.
Ocho: No, you don’t. I saw “Innerspace”, okay? I saw him zoom around inside this one cracker’s body. He knew about, like, the pancreas and shit. And that was, like 20 years ago. Think about all the shit Dennis Quaid has learned since then. He learned to play baseball.
Marvin: That was “The Rookie”.
Ocho: He learned to gunfight with Wyatt Earp.
Marvin: That was “Wyatt Earp”.
Ocho: He learned to play quarterback. A whole lot better than fucking Ryan Fitzsimmons, by the way.
Marvin: That was… never mind.
Ocho: Anyway, Dennis Quaid was talking about this global warming shit, and I came up with a solution. Are you ready?
Marvin: I not sure how I possibly can be.
Ocho: Okay, here it is. I take this globe. Okay?
Ocho: Then I take this fan. Okay?
Ocho: Now I turn on the fan. Okay? BAM! No more global warming.
Ocho: Nothing to say? I blew your mind, right?
Marvin: No, I was just having an aneurysm. So, you’re suggesting we place a giant table fan in space, yes?
Ocho: Who said anything about space? I can cool down this globe right here.
Marvin: Okay, do you understand what global warming is?
Ocho: Yeah. The globes are warm. So we gotta cool the fuckers down. This globe is a touch warm if you feel it. Almost like it has a fever. I hope it’s not sick.
Marvin: Globes can’t get sick. They’re inanimate objects. They have no cells for viruses to infiltrate.
Ocho: Objects can get sick. I saw Mr. Potato Head blow his nose once in “Toy Story”.
Marvin: That was animation. That didn’t actually happen. Furthermore, the issue of global warming does not affect globes, which are merely small-scale models of the entire earth, but rather the Earth itself.
Ocho: Whoa, hold up. You’re saying the earth looks like this?
Ocho: Pfft. This shit is ROUND! Ain’t no way the Earth is round. Look at the ground, Coach. That shit is FLAT. I rest my case.
Marvin: That’s because the planet is so large, its curvature so gradual, that you cannot perceive it. The world was proven as round centuries ago.
Ocho: By who?
Ocho: Leo DiCaprio? He ain’t no scientist. He’s a tough cop from Boston.
Marvin: No, Galileo.
Marvin: GALIFUCKINGLEO. The famous Italian astronomer. He discovered the world was round. There are pictures of it from space now. Kids learn the earth is round as soon as kindergarten. It’s a fact, Chad.
Ocho: Yeah, well I didn’t hear Dennis Quaid say anything about that.
Marvin: BECAUSE HE’S AN ACTOR.
Ocho: See, there you go boxing people in again. This is why my Chad Ocho Cinco Global Coolin’ Globe Fan won’t get sold, because of your ignorance.
Marvin: That fan won’t get sold because it’s a piece of crap. The earth cannot be cooled by blowing a fan onto a globe. There are so many holes in your solution, there isn’t enough room on your globe, or the earth itself, to list them all. A globe is not some kind of voodoo doll for the entire planet.
Ocho: How do you know that? This globe is warm, and I’m feeling a bit warm myself. And watch this. (spins globe) See, don’t you feel kinda woozy now?
Ocho: That’s because you don’t believe in science.
Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU FUCKING IMBECILE. IS THERE SHIT IN YOUR HEAD? NO REALLY, IS THERE A GIANT FUCKING LUMP OF SHIT IN YOUR GODDAMN BRAIN PAN? THIS IS WHY WE’RE FUCKING 0-4, CHAD. WE CAN’T WIN A GODDAMN GAME BECAUSE WE HAVE PLAYERS WHO THINK THAT THE EARTH IS FLAT, AND THAT GLOBES CAN RUN A TEMPERATURE, AND THAT DENNIS QUAID LITERALLY BECOMES THE PEOPLE HE PLAYS ON SCREEN.
ARE YOU REALLY THIS FUCKING DUMB? BECAUSE NOW I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF. I CAN’T LIVE IN A FUCKING WORLD WHERE PEOPLE AS PROFOUNDLY DUMB AS YOU ARE FREE TO WALK AROUND. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO FUCKING DIE, YOU STUPID, VACUOUS SHITHEAD.
Ocho: See, I think we’re 0-4 because of Ryan Fitzgeraldthomas. And I think Ray Lewis and Dennis Quaid would agree with me. Say, did you see there was a country called Chad on this globe? THAT’S MY COUNTRY!
Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
I want more like this!
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