Ocho and Marvin: Under One Roof! The Bed Episode
In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.
Marvin: Okay, Chad. This is my condo. This is where I stay during the middle of the week because of the late hours. You’re free to stay with me here.
Ocho: Nice. Nice. That’s tight. Thanks, coach.
Marvin: Anyway, I set up an extra TV and DVD player for you in the media room.
Ocho: Solid.
Marvin: I sleep on the bed in the main bedroom. You can sleep on the twin bed here in the guest room.
Ocho: Whoa ho yo, coach. What’s this about a twin bed?
Marvin: That’s the bed in the guest room. You can sleep on it.
Ocho: I’m sorry, coach. I can’t sleep on no twin bed. I need a regular-ass bed.
Marvin: It is a regular bed.
Ocho: You just said it was a twin bed.
Marvin: A twin bed IS a regular bed. It’s the name of the size for a one-person bed.
Ocho: (thinks for seventeen minutes) Where’s its brother bed?
Marvin: It doesn’t have a brother bed. It’s just one bed.
Ocho: What kinda twins were they? See, because some twins are kinda scary. Some of them are, like twin gynecologists and shit. I just want to know what kinda twin I’m getting into. If it’s like “Double Impact” and the twin wears black silk underwear and what not, that’s kinda cool. I could negotiate that.
Marvin: It’s just CALLED a twin. Furthermore, it’s just a bed. It can’t wear underwear, or perform vaginal surgery. Beds can’t do that. Those are twin PEOPLE. This is a twin bed. The two have nothing in common. At all.
Ocho: I just think it’s weird that this bed has a twin and the twin is not around. I mean, isn’t that kinda fucked up? What happened to the twin? Was it, like, all deformed and shit? Was it the evil twin? Maybe it swallowed kids and what have you. The whole idea of a twin bed is just kinda fucked up to me, coach. I just want a normal bed, if that’s okay with you.
Marvin: Again, Chad, this IS a normal bed. Twin beds are called twin beds because they usually put two of them in a room, for siblings, or roommates, or whomever.
Ocho: So then WHY aren’t there two in this room?
Marvin: Because I don’t need two. I only need one bed for this condo. YOU only need one bed. So I only bought one.
Ocho: See, I think you’re hiding something. I think something else HAPPENED to that other mattress, and you don’t really want to talk about it.
Marvin: Like what?
Ocho: I don’t know. Like, maybe you got a stain on it that you didn’t really want people to know about. Or maybe the twin brother bed saw you doing something it shouldn’t have and you tried to smother it with its own pillow. I mean, you’re all alone here usually. I don’t know what kinda shit you like to pull.
Marvin: There is no OTHER mattress. And I didn’t have anything done to it. I bought ONE. One mattress. That’s it.
Ocho: I just don’t like the whole idea of sleeping on a twin bed when its other twin isn’t around. How do I know it doesn’t miss the other bed? If I sleep on this bed, does the other bed feel it? And what if the one bed wants to talk to the other bed in that fucked-up twin language that twins do? I saw the Barber brothers do that shit once. They were at a party and all like HUBBA ZUBBA BINGO TANGO and shit. That fucking freaked me out.
Marvin: Okay, beds don’t have feelings. And they don’t talk in secret twin languages. Beds can’t talk.
Ocho: Yeah, but they COULD.
Marvin: No, they couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, they could.
Marvin: No, they couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, they could.
Marvin: No, they couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, they could! If you put, like, a top lip on the top mattress, and then a bottom lip on the box spring, then it could open up and be like I’M A BED, MOTHERFUCKER! HEY TWIN BROTHER BED MAN, GET THIS HEAVY ASS COACH OFF OF ME!
Marvin: Okay, that can’t actually happen. That can only happen in your imagination.
Ocho: But that means it COULD happen.
Marvin: No, it doesn’t. Lots of things happen in your imagination, Chad. Beds talk. Bacon floats. I’m sure there are chimeras playing poker somewhere in there as well. But that doesn’t mean that it can be real simply because you thought of it.
Ocho: Well, why not? How do you know there isn’t some other kind of dimension and shit where chimneys play poker? I could see that happening.
Marvin: I just… I can’t… What?
Ocho: I could see a chimney losing a hand and getting REALLY smoky! Like all, GRRRR YOU TOOK MY MONEY, NOW I WILL SMOKE YOU OUT!
Marvin: Okay, fine. You don’t want the twin bed? No problemo. I’ll call the mattress store and have them bring in a queen bed.
Ocho: A queen bed? WHOA WHOA WHOA. I don’t want no tiny queen bed.
Marvin: It’s bigger than a twin!
Ocho: No, it’s not. I’ve seen the Queen. Okay? She a tiny little white girl. I think she lives in a teacup.
Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU MUST BE THE DUMBEST FUCKING IDIOT THAT HAS EVER STEPPED FOOT INTO MY LIFE. A MILLION SCIENTISTS IN A MILLION YEARS COULD LOOK THROUGH A MILLION MICROSCOPES AND NOT FIND ONE FUCKING BRAIN CELL IN YOUR GODDAMN HEAD. HOW DO YOU GO THROUGH 30 SOME ODD YEARS OF LIFE NOT KNOWING YOUR GODDAMN MATTRESS SIZES? OR THINKING THAT BEDS CAN ACTUALLY FUCKING THINK AND VERBALIZE FEELINGS TO ONE ANOTHER? OR THINKING THAT CHIMNEYS CAN PLAY GAMES OF CHANCE?!
HOW IN THE LIVING FUCK DO YOU BREATHE? SERIOUSLY? I’M SHOCKED YOUR FUCKING BRAIN ACTUALLY TELLS YOUR LUNGS TO INFLATE AND DEFLATE. YOU ARE THAT FUCKING RETARDED. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Ocho: See, now I know you did something to that other mattress. I’mma call Ray Lewis. He’s done bad things to mattresses too, so I bet he can, like, profile you and shit.
Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, leave off the last S for sanity, mattresses, ocho and marvin, the black Karl Pilkington, twins are creepy
September 11th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Ocho Cinqo: ocho cinqo, eight five, not ocho eight, see i know my number is eighty five, which would be ochenta y cinqo, but im batshit crazy
September 11th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Anyone ever tried to f_ck a bed, you know down on your knees and run it up in between the mattress and box spring…yeah me neither.
September 11th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Ocho and Coacho just became my new favorite…Good work sir
“HUBBA ZUBBA BINGO TANGO” ~ Ronde Barber
September 11th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
twins are creepy
But they can be so much fun!
September 11th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
I think she lives in a teacup.
Does Philip have to stay in a saucer then?
September 11th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
You are absolutely correct. That half-tard is the Black Karl Pilkington. It’s time to buy a Bungles jersey with Pilkington on it.
September 11th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Wow, A Dead Ringers reference. Nice.
September 11th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
HOW IN THE LIVING FUCK DO YOU BREATHE? SERIOUSLY? I’M SHOCKED YOUR FUCKING BRAIN ACTUALLY TELLS YOUR LUNGS TO INFLATE AND DEFLATE.
It’s because breathing is involuntary…controlled by the brain stem. No higher cortical functions are needed. I think it has to do with the medulla oblingata. That’s what Mama says.Thank you for your attention.
Best Wishes,
Bobby Boucher
September 11th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
The other mattress is where Ocho Quatro sleeps.
September 11th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
I have an identical twin brother and Ocho is right about the fucked-up twin language.
September 11th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
The other bed is in the attic feasting on fish heads while sewing a rat to a pigeon.
September 11th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
“Beds can’t talk.”
Yeah, but they COULD.
Ocho is obviously thinking of this.
September 11th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
What about twin chimneys?
September 11th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
That twin bed is probably filthy with bacon dust.
September 11th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
The Ocho and Marvin series must have a torn ACL and MCL. It should be done for the year.
Sorry fellas.
September 11th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
No chance. Get fucked and leave funnier comments.
September 11th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
I LOVE
CRAZY BLACK MEN
READING ABOUT BIG BEN
SLEEPING IN ‘TIL TEN
… AAAAAAAAAANNNNNND TWAAAAIIIIIIIIIIUNNNNNNNNNNS!
September 11th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
and somewhere (presumably heaven), mitch hedberg wonders if chad 8-5 is just trying really hard to use his twin bed joke. sadly, chad appears incapable of wit and clever.
September 11th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
huh, never woulda guess Futuremrs. was actual rongrastname. go figure
September 11th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Jeremy Irons & Jean Claude referenced in the same sentence. Excellent, excellent work.
And, Dead Ringers was fucking creepy.
September 11th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
actually, the picture in my head of a couple chimneys playing poker, getting pissed and smoking each other out, is pretty cool.
September 11th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
I wish someone would smoke me out.
September 11th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Jeremy Irons? Michael Ironside?
I’m sensing a trend here …
–
Marvin (typing): “Assimilation? Did Marvin absorb Ocho?”
Computer: “Negative. Fusion of Marvin and Ocho at molecular-genetic level”
Marvin: JESUS FUCKING — Imma gonna call Ray, find out howta undo this shit.
September 11th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Sounds to me like the evil twin got rid of the good twin and took it’s place. Don’t get in the bed Chad Ocho Cinco, don’t get in the bed. Marvin is such a dumb ass.
September 11th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
You could have made some great jokes about “hard” mattresses and thrown Brady into the mix.
September 11th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Someone actually criticized this work of art???
Drew, you should write a book or something.
September 11th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
damn, I’m speechless at how funny this shit is. Nice work yet again BDD!!!
September 11th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Ocho looks like he’s crying in that picture. He’s sad and that makes me sad, too.
September 11th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
I’M A BED, MOTHERFUCKER! HEY TWIN BROTHER BED MAN, GET THIS HEAVY ASS COACH OFF OF ME!
/can actually SEE Chad Ocho Cinco saying this…
September 11th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
As long as Marvin doesn’t remove the tags, he can smother all the beds he wants with their own pillows.
And when he gets around to smothering 85, remember to use the urinal to smash the window and run away.
September 11th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Think the twin beds will switch places to test Chad’s loyalty?
September 11th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
I didn’t think these were that funny at first. But I surrender. These are funny. Also, I was thinking of the Maj’s Simpsons reference the ENTIRE time I read this.
September 11th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
I’m guessing Chad Eight Five wouldn’t like a King bed either…
September 11th, 2008 at 6:16 pm
!Ocho Loco!
September 11th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
@ Needs More -
Ocho Fuck-no would wonder how MLK found time to build beds
September 11th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
I literally almost died here at my college’s library trying not to laugh when I read about Ocho Cinco’s fantasy of two chimneys playing poker. I actually came to tears trying not to laugh… keep’em comin Drew!
September 11th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
And for a bonus, it was actually almost plausible too.
September 12th, 2008 at 11:37 am
thinks for seventeen minutes
Because his brain was busy dismantling itself cell by cell.
/head asplode
September 12th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
I totally didn’t see the teacup/ little white chick queen coming. My head almost asploded too…I figured OC was heading to a more expected Queen = queer reference.
Man, that dude is crazy. Like, in the Bungles lineup of crazy and scary dudes, where does he rank? Is there a list? Like, the one that you would take home to your Mother for a visit (Carson Palmer), the one you would go to for weed, (multiple sources) and the one you would not look at, talk to, acknowledge, on fear of who the hell knows what the hell they might do.
September 15th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
+1,000 for the chimera reference, which of course makes the chimney line better. Damn.