In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Okay, Chad. This is my condo. This is where I stay during the middle of the week because of the late hours. You’re free to stay with me here.

Ocho: Nice. Nice. That’s tight. Thanks, coach.

Marvin: Anyway, I set up an extra TV and DVD player for you in the media room.

Ocho: Solid.

Marvin: I sleep on the bed in the main bedroom. You can sleep on the twin bed here in the guest room.

Ocho: Whoa ho yo, coach. What’s this about a twin bed?

Marvin: That’s the bed in the guest room. You can sleep on it.

Ocho: I’m sorry, coach. I can’t sleep on no twin bed. I need a regular-ass bed.

Marvin: It is a regular bed.

Ocho: You just said it was a twin bed.

Marvin: A twin bed IS a regular bed. It’s the name of the size for a one-person bed.

Ocho: (thinks for seventeen minutes) Where’s its brother bed?

Marvin: It doesn’t have a brother bed. It’s just one bed.

Ocho: What kinda twins were they? See, because some twins are kinda scary. Some of them are, like twin gynecologists and shit. I just want to know what kinda twin I’m getting into. If it’s like “Double Impact” and the twin wears black silk underwear and what not, that’s kinda cool. I could negotiate that.

Marvin: It’s just CALLED a twin. Furthermore, it’s just a bed. It can’t wear underwear, or perform vaginal surgery. Beds can’t do that. Those are twin PEOPLE. This is a twin bed. The two have nothing in common. At all.

Ocho: I just think it’s weird that this bed has a twin and the twin is not around. I mean, isn’t that kinda fucked up? What happened to the twin? Was it, like, all deformed and shit? Was it the evil twin? Maybe it swallowed kids and what have you. The whole idea of a twin bed is just kinda fucked up to me, coach. I just want a normal bed, if that’s okay with you.

Marvin: Again, Chad, this IS a normal bed. Twin beds are called twin beds because they usually put two of them in a room, for siblings, or roommates, or whomever.

Ocho: So then WHY aren’t there two in this room?

Marvin: Because I don’t need two. I only need one bed for this condo. YOU only need one bed. So I only bought one.

Ocho: See, I think you’re hiding something. I think something else HAPPENED to that other mattress, and you don’t really want to talk about it.

Marvin: Like what?

Ocho: I don’t know. Like, maybe you got a stain on it that you didn’t really want people to know about. Or maybe the twin brother bed saw you doing something it shouldn’t have and you tried to smother it with its own pillow. I mean, you’re all alone here usually. I don’t know what kinda shit you like to pull.

Marvin: There is no OTHER mattress. And I didn’t have anything done to it. I bought ONE. One mattress. That’s it.

Ocho: I just don’t like the whole idea of sleeping on a twin bed when its other twin isn’t around. How do I know it doesn’t miss the other bed? If I sleep on this bed, does the other bed feel it? And what if the one bed wants to talk to the other bed in that fucked-up twin language that twins do? I saw the Barber brothers do that shit once. They were at a party and all like HUBBA ZUBBA BINGO TANGO and shit. That fucking freaked me out.

Marvin: Okay, beds don’t have feelings. And they don’t talk in secret twin languages. Beds can’t talk.

Ocho: Yeah, but they COULD.

Marvin: No, they couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, they could.

Marvin: No, they couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, they could.

Marvin: No, they couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, they could! If you put, like, a top lip on the top mattress, and then a bottom lip on the box spring, then it could open up and be like I’M A BED, MOTHERFUCKER! HEY TWIN BROTHER BED MAN, GET THIS HEAVY ASS COACH OFF OF ME!

Marvin: Okay, that can’t actually happen. That can only happen in your imagination.

Ocho: But that means it COULD happen.

Marvin: No, it doesn’t. Lots of things happen in your imagination, Chad. Beds talk. Bacon floats. I’m sure there are chimeras playing poker somewhere in there as well. But that doesn’t mean that it can be real simply because you thought of it.

Ocho: Well, why not? How do you know there isn’t some other kind of dimension and shit where chimneys play poker? I could see that happening.

Marvin: I just… I can’t… What?

Ocho: I could see a chimney losing a hand and getting REALLY smoky! Like all, GRRRR YOU TOOK MY MONEY, NOW I WILL SMOKE YOU OUT!

Marvin: Okay, fine. You don’t want the twin bed? No problemo. I’ll call the mattress store and have them bring in a queen bed.

Ocho: A queen bed? WHOA WHOA WHOA. I don’t want no tiny queen bed.

Marvin: It’s bigger than a twin!

Ocho: No, it’s not. I’ve seen the Queen. Okay? She a tiny little white girl. I think she lives in a teacup.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU MUST BE THE DUMBEST FUCKING IDIOT THAT HAS EVER STEPPED FOOT INTO MY LIFE. A MILLION SCIENTISTS IN A MILLION YEARS COULD LOOK THROUGH A MILLION MICROSCOPES AND NOT FIND ONE FUCKING BRAIN CELL IN YOUR GODDAMN HEAD. HOW DO YOU GO THROUGH 30 SOME ODD YEARS OF LIFE NOT KNOWING YOUR GODDAMN MATTRESS SIZES? OR THINKING THAT BEDS CAN ACTUALLY FUCKING THINK AND VERBALIZE FEELINGS TO ONE ANOTHER? OR THINKING THAT CHIMNEYS CAN PLAY GAMES OF CHANCE?!

HOW IN THE LIVING FUCK DO YOU BREATHE? SERIOUSLY? I’M SHOCKED YOUR FUCKING BRAIN ACTUALLY TELLS YOUR LUNGS TO INFLATE AND DEFLATE. YOU ARE THAT FUCKING RETARDED. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Ocho: See, now I know you did something to that other mattress. I’mma call Ray Lewis. He’s done bad things to mattresses too, so I bet he can, like, profile you and shit.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.