Ocho and Marvin: Under One Roof! The Bacon Episode
In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.
Marvin: Hey, Chad! Dinner’s ready!
Ocho: Comin’ down, coach!
Marvin: On the double! We like to eat as a family every night. This stuff’s getting cold.
Ocho: I’m comin’, I’m comin’! (comes down stairs) My, my, my… I am HONGRAY. What do we have for dinner?
Marvin: The Mrs. cooked up some roast chicken.
Looks damn good, doesn’t it? Let’s dig in.
Ocho: Whoa ho yo, coach. Hold up. Hold up. I can’t eat that.
Marvin: What do you mean?
Ocho: Tell the Mrs. I am grateful, but Ocho Cinco doesn’t eat chicken. Too heavy. Much too heavy. I’m just gonna kick back with my usual dinner.
Marvin: A family-sized bag of chips?
Ocho: Yeah, yeah. Chips are much lighter. Much better for my biology. This one’s even got tomatoes.
Marvin: Um, no. Chips are not a lighter food that white meat chicken.
Ocho: No? Here, hold this chip.
Marvin: What for?
Ocho: Just feel how light it is. It’s very light. Very low weight.
Marvin: That isn’t how nutrition works, Chad. The weight of food isn’t an indicator of whether or not it’s good for you.
Ocho: Sure it is. If you eat LIGHT food, you stay light. That’s why I eat chips, bacon, donut holes, and cotton candy. That’s a very light diet.
Marvin: Actually, that’s just about the heaviest diet you can possibly have.
Ocho: You’re crazy! Look at this strip of bacon.
You see how light that bacon feels? It’s so light, it floats.
Marvin: No, it’s doesn’t.
Ocho: Yes, it does.
Marvin: No, it’s doesn’t. Bacon does not float.
Ocho: Yes, it does. Look.
(picks up bacon, drops it to the floor)
See?
Marvin: See what?
Ocho: It almost kinda floated right there.
Marvin: No, it didn’t. It fell straight to the floor.
Ocho: You didn’t see it just kinda sorta hesitate right there?
Marvin: No. It didn’t hesitate. It fell straight down.
Ocho: You don’t know that. That shit is not readily oblivious to the naked eye.
Marvin: YES IT IS. It’s bacon. It’s a solid object. Solid objects do not float.
Ocho: They do if you drop them from really high up.
Marvin: No they don’t.
Ocho: Then how come I see skydivers floating on TV all the time? They got their arms and legs out and are all like “LOOK AT ME! I’M A WHITE PERSON AND I’M ALL FLOATING AND SHIT!”
Marvin: Those people aren’t floating. They are FALLING. To earth. At an astonishing rate of speed. They’re solid. They don’t float.
Ocho: What about dust? Dust floats.
Marvin: Dust is made of microscopic particles. It gets blown around by the wind.
Ocho: How do you know it’s not made of bacon?
Marvin: It isn’t. It’s made of things like tree pollen and spores. It’s not made of bacon.
Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that.
Marvin: Yes, I do.
Ocho: No, you don’t. You’re no scientologist like Albert Edison. You can’t possibly know all that.
Marvin: Yes, I can. Dust is not made of bacon.
Ocho: Okay. What if I took my fork and knife and cut up a very tiny piece of bacon and POOF! Tossed it in the air. Then it’s just like dust.
Marvin: But you wouldn’t do that. No one cuts up microscopic pieces of bacon and then tosses them in the air.
Ocho: You don’t know that. They might do it in Germany.
Marvin: THEY DON’T DO THAT IN GERMANY. THEY DON’T CUT UP LITTLE BITS OF BACON AND THROW THEM IN THE AIR. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BACON DUST.
Ocho: Yes, there is. They sell it at the store. And they keep it in a bottle to keep it from flying away.
Marvin: Those are Bac-O’s, Chad. Bac-O’s. And Bac-O’s are not bacon dust. Bac-O’s are bacon bits. And they keep the Bac-O’s in a bottle to prevent them from spilling, FALLING onto the floor, because they are heavier than the air. They wouldn’t fly away if the bottle were to be opened.
Ocho: But you don’t know that. They could.
Marvin: No, they couldn’t.
Ocho: They could if there was a hurricane. I saw that Gustav hurricane make garbage cans fly and shit.
Marvin: That’s because it would be subject to 150MPH winds. Bacon does not float in a no-wind environment.
Ocho: Okay, then. Let me point something out to you. I eat bacon. You eat chicken. Right?
Marvin: Uh huh.
Ocho: Now, look at me.
Marvin: Uh huh.
Ocho: Now look at you.
Marvin: Uh huh.
Ocho: I rest my case. That bacon is VERY light.
Marvin: HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU RETARDED? SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU MEDICALLY FUCKING RETARDED? THERE ARE 4 MILLION FACTORS THAT GO INTO A PERSON’S PHYSIQUE, INCLUDING HEREDITY, WORKOUT REGIMEN, AND METABOLISM. DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT YOU’RE THINNER THAN ME BECAUSE FUCKING BACON, FOR SOME INSANE REASON IN YOUR PEA-SIZED MIND, IS EXEMPT FROM THE PHYSICAL LAWS OF FUCKING GRAVITY? IS THERE A FUCKING BLACK HOLE IN YOUR HEAD?
IN FACT, BACON DOESN’T START OFF AS STRIPS. IT STARTS OFF A FUCKING HEAVY FUCKING SLAB THAT IS THEN CUT THIN AND FRIED, SO AS TO BE EVEN FUCKING HEAVIER. DOES THAT REGISTER AT ALL WITH YOUR TINY LITTLE FUCKING DINOSAUR BRAIN?
Ocho: They cut bacon in strips? Okay, now you’re just making shit up. Lemme call Ray Lewis and we’ll see what’s what.
Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
Tags: bacon, Big Daddy Drew, marvin and ocho, mmmm bacon dust, ocho and marvin, odd arguments
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:00 pm
You’re no scientologist like Albert Edison.
Brilliant.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Anymore of these posts and I swear I am going to become dumber.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:02 pm
These might be my new favorite
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:08 pm
if you throw the bacon in the ohio river and it floats then och is a witch and you burn him. or trade him to the niners.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:08 pm
yeah, great shit Drew. It’s up in the Top 5 for sure. I’m fancying Tawmmy and Jerry Goddamn Jones as well, so that’s my current Top 3, but really all this shit is good!
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:08 pm
When does Marvin knock Chad OchoCinco upside the head with a size-10 penny loafer?
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Marvin and Chad is as good as Wade and Jerry, which themselves are as good as Marmalard and the Sex Cannon.
Can I buy a”Viva El Cumslinger/Neckbeard!” shirts? I want to wear it to remind Bears fans that they’re still fucked, no matter who has his hands under Olin Kreutz’s kreutzpie.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Laughing out loud at work is OK right? Goddamn I can see Marvin’s head exploding at the conclusion of these episodes…if he doesn’t step in front of a train first.
Drew, I believe you wrote exactly the way Ocho speaks – it was weird, I could hear that dumb-ass voice in my head.
“I’ll race Michael Phelps right now, we’ll see what’s what.”
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
As a life long Bengals fan I must say this is the funniest shit I’ve ever read. Please do one with Chris Henry…soon
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
keep these coming. these are fantastic. I love it where Demolition Man argues with the pathetic tub of lard
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Real Marvin wishes Real Chad were this coherent.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:33 pm
imagining Ocho Cinco trying to convince anyone that bacon can float is one of the funniest things ever.
Also, Bac-O’s suck. Don’t be cheap, buy some real bacon bits.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Still laughing but would add this:
When Marvin calls Ocho Chad, you have to have Ocho freak out and tell him his legal name is Ocho and that he better call him by his legal name. When Marvin continues to call him Chad, have him tell Marvin that he should try the Starvin’ Marvin diet of bacon bits, cotton candy, etc. to have the perfect physique of THE Ocho Cinco.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
i thought ocho cinco was the last name. it’s the first and last name? that’s some how even stupider than chad ocho cinco.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Somewhere Tyler Perry is plaigarizing.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Just the whole arguement that the bacon actually “floated” for a split second is great.
I always knew I was ahead of my time with my diet.
/orders a bacon sandwich with donuts, extra bacon on it, and a bog o chips. And a diet coke, of course.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Didn’t realize teaching science in the South was so similar to coaching in the NFL. Looks like I’ll have to expand my next job search.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:55 pm
These are priceless. Keep em coming Drew!
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Drew has now inspired a Physics thesis on bacon and it’s weightlessness.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:02 pm
+1, Drew, +1
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:08 pm
The dude on that chip bag looks like Mark Cuban & Tito Santana had a kid together. Arriba!
PS
Rick Martel carried Strike Force
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:09 pm
@ IVSPORT
The name is Chad Javon Ocho Cinco.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:14 pm
You’d think Marvin Lewis would have figured out by now that Ocho Bacon is, in fact, mentally retarded.
Then again, Marvin still thinks his team is a contender too.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:16 pm
“LOOK AT ME! I’M A WHITE PERSON AND I’M ALL FLOATING AND SHIT!” = Instant classic
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:41 pm
“The dude on that chip bag looks like Mark Cuban & Tito Santana had a kid together. Arriba!”
The Junkyard Dog’s picture is on a bag of Hostess cakes, but Chad refused to grab them. Don’t even get Chad started on Slim Jims.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:42 pm
best new recurring character award.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:46 pm
wheres the funny part?
In your mom’s panties, asshole.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:50 pm
I’m pretty sure Ocho Cinco and Marvin would cause a rift in the space time continuum over I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
Or frozen yogurt… “So Coach, I gotta wait until this yogurt melts until I get to the fruit on the bottom?”
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Get fucked, mike. Seriously.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:52 pm
re: bacon dust
http://www.gratefulpalate.com/index.php?p=RCITYXX0010&parent=Category_34
(who knew ocho was such a gourmand?!)
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:01 pm
That shredded beef jerky that came in plastic containers which looked like chew tins are as close as you can get to bacon dust. Norman Einstein told me. Or was it Albert Hawking?
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Dawgs don’t know it’s not bacon.
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:33 pm
chips is the main food, coach. says so right on the bag!
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:14 pm
If you combine the Chad/Marvin posts with the Mike Vick posts, I might actually laugh out a spleen.
September 3rd, 2008 at 12:25 am
spanish chips?
was it in these chips honor that he dubbed himself ‘ocho cinco’?
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:06 am
You are making Chad look legally retarded.
Thank god for someone speaking the truth (there are actually people who think he is “ingenious,” but then again those people are retarded too.
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:10 am
@Markus: Rick Martel would have been better off NOT betraying Tito at Wrestlemania III. Or was it IV?
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:07 am
Watch your mouth or you’ll get a dose of “Arrogance”
Believe it was #5
RIP Scary Sherri
September 3rd, 2008 at 3:27 pm
“I want to wear it to remind Bears fans that they’re still fucked, no matter who has his hands under Olin Kreutz’s kreutzpie.”
My friend, I can assure you that we know this down to our collective marrow.
Grossman, at least, is entertaining, if you imagine the Benny Hill music playing whenever he drops back for a pass.
March 31st, 2009 at 12:35 am
Very nice information…the World needs more Bacon info! Thanks for this :)
March 31st, 2009 at 12:55 am
I found your blog on Google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Bacon News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.