Now That Tom Brady Is Incarcerated, The Patriots MUST Masturbate The Ball Down The Feel!
Trajectory.
That’s the first word that came to my mind when I saw that Tom Brady had been incarcerated.
Just such a terrible trajectory for the NFL. For the whole whirl!
I feel bad for the Patriots, because Brady’s abstinence will definitively have revibrations for the rest of the year. While Brady tries to cohabitate his knee, his team is left to pick up the peaches from these terrible circumcisions.
But Bill Belichick is a true elevator in this league. He isn’t just going to let this team fall by the bayside. He won’t let them get impressed. He will challenge them to raise to the vacation.
And he will definitely masturbate the ball down the feel!
When you lose a Tom Brady, that’s one opponent of your offense that you can no longer crouton. We don’t know if Matt Cassell will be able to fill Brady’s jews in quite the same way. He’s next in the Heimlich Maneuvery, after all, but is he ready for those kind of Reese Possibilites?
So they will have to get back to Fun Day Rentals. They will have to sit down with Laurence Maroney and say to him, “Young man, you are the workwhore now. We need you to soldier the load. We need you to pick up the smack here.”
That’s what they have to say to him.
And I think Maroney will definitely be renovated by this. For all intensive percocets, I think he and Sammy Morris will form a great tanned ham and relegate this Patriot running game.
If I’m Laurence Maroney, I say to the team, “I am ready. I will not take this chance for granite. Like Booby Brown says, it’s my pierogi. I am ready to go out there and landblast that other team! I’m chomping at the tit! Tom’s injury was a besting in these guys for this team! I have the knowledge, the SAVORY, to get this job done. I am going to go out there and blow The Doors!
“No one thinks we can do it! Remember last year, when they accused us of TAMPONING?! Well, we didn’t let it expect us then, and it won’t expect us now! We will not be beaten into emission! WE WILL NOT MENSTRUATE! WE WILL TURNIP!”
That’s what I would say.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, emmitt smiff, malapropogations, mispropunctuations
September 10th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
How do you write this and not get a headache?
September 10th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
How do you read this? I mean, like half of this makes sense, but the other half is so far off base as to be incomprehensible.
However, I can still imagine Emmitt saying it.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Now the Patriots will never resuscitate their wind totem from the prometheus year.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
This peice reminds JAFO of the whundufull edumication he gots at the prepitliciously satsfactrizing place of schoolin’. Communinty College. YEAH BABY!!!
September 10th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Maroney can carry the rock with both hands because he is amphibious.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Please have the common courtesy to pass out N20 filled balloons prior to posting this.
Nitros is rightous!
September 10th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
We’re about three seconds away from Pootie Tang.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
The scary thing is that I’m beginning to understand what Emmit says. Forgive me, Father, for I have skinned.
*says 7 Hail Marmalards*
September 10th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
I think the Patricians’ Offending lime is to blame for this debauchery.
The cause of Emmitt’s mongoloidism goes beyond concussions and typical Floridian/Texan retardation. I’m thinking it’s either a slow-acting, brain-devouring virus or he’s possessed by the ghost of some Cowboys fan whose last words were “Hey guys, watch this!”.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Miles, there’s a 10 lb. bottle of N2O in the trunk of my Prelude. And it’s the ass-kickin’ pharmecutical grade shit. I’ll break it out for the next Emmitt post.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
WE WILL TURNIP!
-McConaughey in We are Marshall?
September 10th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Mmm…tanned ham…
September 10th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Yet Harold Reynolds gets fired.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
now I want a pierogi.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
And he will definitely masturbate the ball down the feel!
This line must be part of every Emmitt post. And he is making us all dumber for having to listen to him. BUT, he’s no Shannon Sharpe. That fool sounds like he’s constantly saying “YO GABBA GABBA.”
September 10th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
@ BurritoBrosShits
They just use ad-libs.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
These are my favorite posts on KSK.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Emmit + Shannon < Freddie ‘The Cooler’ Coleman.
/opinion
September 10th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
is everyone going to weigh in on the Brady situation? if so, i can’t want to see JJ and Marmalard
September 10th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
*wait
September 10th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
We will not be beaten into emissions! – Classic – tell that to my penis.
By the way – mispropunctuations is my new favorte tag!
September 10th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
i’m just going to assume this post is very funny, because reading it entirely would make my brain explode.
September 10th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
@daydream: Of course we are. It’s the most important thing to ever happen in the history of everything. Just ask PK.
September 10th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
There’s a lemon guys in that hubbub that has to stamp up and exit cute and I thinks they will on count of intangerines! A vitamin team like New Emblem has lots of intangerines.
September 10th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
yes, i too am starting to understand emiff. and it takes less time to read these posts. cant wait til i write my next brief… ill have to be extra careful with the proofreading.
September 10th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
i can almost hear the linguistic tune of Emmitt’s voice vibrating in my eardrums as i read this superbly written piece on the plight of the patriots.
god bless people who cannot speak the language correctly… and get a high paying job to do just that.
/what a waste of a rushing record…
//barry sanders wasnt much better speaker… where’s thurman thomas when you need him. huh, oh he’s still looking for his helmet at the hotel bar. SHIT, i sware if his head wasnt attached…
September 10th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Steve Young, during 2006 draft:
“More than anyone on this board, Jay Cutler will come in and be a football player and a great QB.”
September 10th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
If ESPN wanted to hire a great ex-running back, they should’ve called Jim Brown. He killed Nazis in “The Dirty Dozen” and banged Raquel Welsh in “100 Rifles”. He also miraculously avoided the perils of brain damage, despite wearing those old school helmets being in Cleveland so long.
September 10th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
thebestthereiswasandwillbe, you might want to sit the next couple of plays out.
September 10th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
This was brilliant, the Emmitt Smiff posts are some of my favorite.
September 10th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
“Young man, you are the workwhore now.”
I’ve been told this by my boss for years, and, before him, by my father. Maybe they’re on to something.
September 10th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Shannon Sharps really likes how Emmit Smith displaces the simulation the new england patriots have gotten into for the 2008 seasoning
September 10th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Unlike a brain freeze from ice cream, the pain in my head from reading this won’t go away.
How do they keep marble mouth retards like Sanders, Sharpe and Emmitt on the air?
September 10th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
abso-fuckingly-lutely out-fuckin-standing!!!
September 10th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Thanks Drew: I’m crying at work and people think a relative died… perhaps I can work this into some bereavement leave
September 10th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I enjoy this much more than Ward Hines and a little bit more than Tawmmy. It uses real words absolutely nonsensically, which is how most Americans do it, anyway. Like Mad Libs. I bet Emmitt has every Mad Libs book ever published. To build his vocabulary.
September 10th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
For all intensive percocets… Fucking brilliant.
One of my friends in college suffered a not-too-serious back injury. We spent the better part of a day zonked of our gourds on some intensive Percocets.
September 10th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Emmitt is to the NFL as Mike Adamle is to wrestling.
September 10th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
I wourd lerry rike to know when the NFR post-seclet is getting posted. I’ve been rooking folwald to it awr summahl.
September 10th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
@ Falco…. no, they are opposites, Mike Adamle appears awkward, but speaks well. Emmitt appears with confidence (much like and idiot walking into a pole) and speaks like retard debutant.
September 10th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
“When you lose a Tom Brady, that’s one opponent of your offense that you can no longer crouton.”
f-ing awesome.
September 10th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
“his team is left to pick up the peaches from these terrible circumcisions.”
Drew, you sir are a goddamn star and you have officially sold another book or two. Fucking priceless.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
God, I’ve missed these posts.
September 11th, 2008 at 1:47 am
I fought through the first three paragraphs of this and gave up. I have no idea what the hell he is supposed to be saying. Sometimes I wish the real Emmit were this coherent.
September 12th, 2008 at 1:27 am
The “workwhore” quote had me dying. Man…good stuff