Now It’s Time To Find! That! Fraud!
As per the usual this time of year, there is something amiss about the unforeseen occupants atop the standings. Certainly some of that is natural turnover from year to year, while others are simply enjoying a fleeting stay before their return to mediocrity. But which is which? We welcome a representative from each of the surprising 2-0 teams to make the case as to why they are here to stay.
Jake Delhomme, Carolina Panthers
“Yeah, folks’re not really giving us that much of a chance this year. Hey, we got any more breasts in the bucket? Just drumsticks? Fuck. Well, how many biscuits did you get? I don’t know, I didn’t call in the order. Goddammit, Steve, don’t punch your teammate ’cause he drank your sweet tea. We got plenty. What’d you ask me about?”
Marshawn Lynch, Buffalo Bills
“What? Shit. Hole up, hole up. Can’t you see I’m tryna beat Time Crisis 4? Who we play this week? The Raiders? Shit, they easier than first boss on House of the Dead. Yeah, we good. We win the Super Bowl, we celebrating that shit at a Chevys. Gonna do it up nice.”
Kurt Warner, The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals
“You ask me to commit the sin of prideful thoughts. This I cannot do. And you are committing my words to the Internet? Billy Graham tell me it is powered by abortions and burnt Bibles. I’m afraid our conversation has come to an end.”
Jay Cutler, Denver Broncos
“What? Gaaaawd. Leave me alone. You’re worse than my parents. I just got done with practice and me and Tony Scheffler want to go get drunk in the parking lot in front of 7-11. I don’t know. I guess we rock.”
Thanks guys!
Tags: buffalo bills, denver broncos, find that fraud, panther pride, the buzzsaw that is the arizona cardinals, xmas ape
September 18th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Damn how young was Kurt during that movie?
September 18th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Bills aaaahhhh goin’ 19-0!
/Confused Pats fan
September 18th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Them scissors aren’t very sharp.
September 18th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
That Lynch video was hilarious.
September 18th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I didn’t know Delhomme drove the Clyde Torkel chicken racer.
September 18th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Kurt Warner told me Jesus died on a stick or something… I told him to get his old ass out of my face
September 18th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Marshawn is quickly becoming one of my favorite players. Genius.
Also, I can’t decide whether to be insulted or glad that you didn’t include the Titans on this list of surprising 2-0 teams. Is that Respect or Disrespect, Ape, I CANT FUCKING DECIDE
September 18th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Well, the Titans were a playoff team last year.
September 18th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Them scissors aren’t very sharp.
“The children are right to laugh at you, Ralph. These scissors couldn’t cut butter.”
Always time for a Simpsons reference.
September 18th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
that lynch CANNOT be for real, can it?
September 18th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
“A Fresh of Breff Air”….great line by Royal in the Marshawn video
September 18th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
That Marshawn video has been a favorite of mine for months.
“Oh, dis spot hot.”
I think those are actually the scissors used to cut Cutler’s hair. But they left the pie plate at home.
September 18th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The Cardinals are winning the NFC West, though. Seriously.
September 18th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
From most to least likely:
1. Carolina – the division stinks and is wide open.
2. Denver – Marmalard’s crew is 0-2 and staring 0-3 and the Chiefs are worse.
3. Buffalo – Edwards, Evans and Marshawn and a tough D in an open division (beat Favraro).
4. Arizona – Same shit, different year. They’re teasing their fans like ASU girls down Tempe.
September 18th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
You guys shouldn’t use iconic religious videos like that, but there Warner and Dalhomme videos were pretty good.
HE hit and ran for your sins.
/Marshawn is my spirit animal
September 18th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
“Oh, I’m a driver baby.”
-Yes you are Marshawn, yes you are.
September 18th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
marshawn lynch fucking rules despite undeniable fuglyness.
/west coast biased
//on the O
September 18th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Marshawn Lynch looks normally like Cedric Benson’s mugshot
http://cptimes.com/pics/cedric-benson-mug-shot-bigger.jpg
/still drafted him in FF
//blatant homerism
///is not homer-sexual
September 18th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Marshawn switches from Beast Mode to Hit and Run mode no problem. I’ll watch that vid when I get home from work and I really hope it doesn’t make us look to bad. Buffalo is great! Really!
/I’m being serious it is. I fucking hate NYC.
September 18th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Jake Delhomme caught up with the Genie and got Steve Smith to punch two more wishes out of him:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqqWhlwuK64
September 18th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
If Buffalo/Toronto goes 19-0 (or better yet, 18-1), we’ll be able to find out if Canadian douchebaggery really is 40% less annoying than New England douchebaggery.
September 18th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
4. Arizona – Same shit, different year. They’re teasing their fans like ASU girls down Tempe.
Who else is going to win this division? The Rams? The 49ers? The Seahawks, who have stunk like dogshit their first two games?
This is the year of the Buzzsaw, my friend. I say they win 11 games.
September 18th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Joey Porter worst fraud in the NFL or worstest fraud in the NFL?
September 18th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
If Delhomme’s passes could really explode a barn, I’d vote for the Panthers. Grrrr…..
September 18th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
RE: Delhomme and Bojangles… that is one of the best ad campaigns in the history of ad campaigns.
Didn’t really think about it until I saw it but for some reason Delhomme and Smith strike me as knowing a thing or two about chicken and biscuits.
It’s like if Charles Haley endorsed a brand/method of birth control… you don’t argue. That dude just knows about these things.
September 18th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Hoo boy, I sure am glad KSK doesn’t delete their old posts, because this is one which needs to be saved come January. I think the comments here prove that it’s not just stupid sports commentators who write it, but that EVERYONE is dying to play the “This is the Cardinals year!” card. Over the years y’all have been shamed into picking against them (same old “Seahawks will win by default, because their division sucks so bad” bullshit) but now when things look their bleakest your true colors shine.
Please America, embrace the Arizona Cardinals as close to your bosom as you can. They’re awesome! The Seahawks suck! It’s been two full games; the season is practically over!!! I’m certain this won’t come back to haunt anyone……
September 18th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
did i not just say on the other post that i wanted Bojangles chicken?! this will do. i <3 mr. ape
September 18th, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Me and my Bills, we’re going to the superbowl!
September 19th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
I wanna beat off all over Pam Olivers chest, mang.
September 19th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
The Chevy’s joke re: Marshawn is wildly inaccurate. He is a bay area guy and thus grew up around the world’s best cheap Mexican food.