As per the usual this time of year, there is something amiss about the unforeseen occupants atop the standings. Certainly some of that is natural turnover from year to year, while others are simply enjoying a fleeting stay before their return to mediocrity. But which is which? We welcome a representative from each of the surprising 2-0 teams to make the case as to why they are here to stay.

Jake Delhomme, Carolina Panthers

“Yeah, folks’re not really giving us that much of a chance this year. Hey, we got any more breasts in the bucket? Just drumsticks? Fuck. Well, how many biscuits did you get? I don’t know, I didn’t call in the order. Goddammit, Steve, don’t punch your teammate ’cause he drank your sweet tea. We got plenty. What’d you ask me about?”

Marshawn Lynch, Buffalo Bills

“What? Shit. Hole up, hole up. Can’t you see I’m tryna beat Time Crisis 4? Who we play this week? The Raiders? Shit, they easier than first boss on House of the Dead. Yeah, we good. We win the Super Bowl, we celebrating that shit at a Chevys. Gonna do it up nice.”


Kurt Warner, The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals

“You ask me to commit the sin of prideful thoughts. This I cannot do. And you are committing my words to the Internet? Billy Graham tell me it is powered by abortions and burnt Bibles. I’m afraid our conversation has come to an end.”

Jay Cutler, Denver Broncos

“What? Gaaaawd. Leave me alone. You’re worse than my parents. I just got done with practice and me and Tony Scheffler want to go get drunk in the parking lot in front of 7-11. I don’t know. I guess we rock.”

Thanks guys!