I don’t really know why I’m here. I mean, I’m still okay. My team’s deep. Hell, I won last week.

I mean, yeah, it was Shanoff, but it still counts. A win is a win is a win.

I feel okay about next week. Sure, the Rams sucked against Philly, but all things considered I’m lucky to have Marc Bulger as my starting quarter–OH GOD WHY? WHY?

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????

/sobs

/deep breath

/exhale

My name’s Matt, and I drafted Tom Brady with my first pick in my fantasy draft.

I wasn’t even supposed to have him, you know. I drafted tenth in a 14-team league. Drew didn’t have his Flash plug-in updated when the draft started, so he couldn’t pick Brady at #8. He wanted Brady. Oh, I felt grand at the time. Wore my hat at a jaunty tilt. Whistled merry tunes as I walked down the street. I even jingled the change in my pocket and made eye contact with panhandlers as I skipped on by. They were heady times, those fives days between the draft and the first 14 minutes of the 2008 season.

You know, I almost drafted Brady last year. I had a hunch he was going to have a really good season, but the conventional wisdom said Drew Brees was the better pick. Fucking conventional wisdom. Thanks for the lovely package of shit in 2007, Drew Brees. You and Reggie Bush fucked me raw last year. Couldn’t help but notice you two assholes did just fine in Week 1.

What do I do? How do I go on from here? Brady gave me three points in his half a quarter of work. Bulger got six over the course of an entire game.

/sigh

I dropped him today, you know. I don’t know why I waited so long. It’s not like I was emotional about it. It’s not like I lost a son. More like a miscarriage. Like a miscarriage after Bernard Pollard pushes your wife down the stairs.

I guess I’ll muddle through. I’m plenty deep at wide receiver. I think Nate Burleson’s really going to break out this year!

What? Oh God. I hope this bottle is big enough.