My Name’s Matt, and I’m a Tom Brady Owner.
I don’t really know why I’m here. I mean, I’m still okay. My team’s deep. Hell, I won last week.
I mean, yeah, it was Shanoff, but it still counts. A win is a win is a win.
I feel okay about next week. Sure, the Rams sucked against Philly, but all things considered I’m lucky to have Marc Bulger as my starting quarter–OH GOD WHY? WHY?
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????
/sobs
/deep breath
/exhale
My name’s Matt, and I drafted Tom Brady with my first pick in my fantasy draft.
I wasn’t even supposed to have him, you know. I drafted tenth in a 14-team league. Drew didn’t have his Flash plug-in updated when the draft started, so he couldn’t pick Brady at #8. He wanted Brady. Oh, I felt grand at the time. Wore my hat at a jaunty tilt. Whistled merry tunes as I walked down the street. I even jingled the change in my pocket and made eye contact with panhandlers as I skipped on by. They were heady times, those fives days between the draft and the first 14 minutes of the 2008 season.
You know, I almost drafted Brady last year. I had a hunch he was going to have a really good season, but the conventional wisdom said Drew Brees was the better pick. Fucking conventional wisdom. Thanks for the lovely package of shit in 2007, Drew Brees. You and Reggie Bush fucked me raw last year. Couldn’t help but notice you two assholes did just fine in Week 1.
What do I do? How do I go on from here? Brady gave me three points in his half a quarter of work. Bulger got six over the course of an entire game.
/sigh
I dropped him today, you know. I don’t know why I waited so long. It’s not like I was emotional about it. It’s not like I lost a son. More like a miscarriage. Like a miscarriage after Bernard Pollard pushes your wife down the stairs.
I guess I’ll muddle through. I’m plenty deep at wide receiver. I think Nate Burleson’s really going to break out this year!
What? Oh God. I hope this bottle is big enough.
Tags: captain caveman, fantasy football
September 10th, 2008 at 8:36 am
I, too, could not resist the allure of Brady in my fantasy draft this year during the first round.
Now my fate rests in the unable hands of Delhooooooooooomme.
September 10th, 2008 at 8:36 am
You can hardly believe that this is a guy who didn’t play fantasy football before last year. Way to jump in the deep end with both feet, Matt.
And don’t worry, you’ll still beat Shanoff.
September 10th, 2008 at 8:39 am
Vince Young, Carson Palmer and Kurt Warner. It could be worse Matt.
/also has a RB core of Jamal Lewis and Justin-fucking-Fargas.
September 10th, 2008 at 8:40 am
oh yeah.. and i had Burleson too.
September 10th, 2008 at 8:41 am
I thought I was the only one with Brady, Burleson and Mr. Aday’s man boobs!
September 10th, 2008 at 8:49 am
With the first overall pick, I took LT. Can’t wait for him to suck with turf toe all year. You know it’s going to happen, cause no matter who I took, I’m doomed.
/0-14 last year
September 10th, 2008 at 8:51 am
THANK GOD I HATE THE PATRIOTS AND COULD NEVER SELECT ONE OF THEIR PLAYERS, EVEN IF IT MEANT LOSING IN MY LEAGUE. SHIT I TOOK LEE EVANS INSTEAD OF WELKAH… BUT MY OPPONENT THIS WEEK HAS BRADY AND REPLACED HIM WITH T. JACKSON… HAHAHAHAHA
I WANNA GO TO FOXBORO, STREAK ACROSS THE FEILD… STOP AT MIDFEILD AND PISS ON THE PATRIOTS HELMET
September 10th, 2008 at 9:03 am
I had the Brady/Bulger combo also…For a moment I thought I wrote this…
September 10th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Knob Creek is wonderful stuff.
Even if you feel kinda gay drinking it because it has the word “knob” on the bottle.
September 10th, 2008 at 9:13 am
I feel your pain. I too had Brady and Nate Burleson.
September 10th, 2008 at 9:17 am
the biggest trash talker in my league who is also a bandwagon Pats fan drafted Brady in the first round, so that was sweet.
Glad I drafted Palmer, Anderson and Warner. No I’m not.
September 10th, 2008 at 9:26 am
It could be worse, at least Bulger is proven. I backed up Dreamboat with Aaron Rodgers.
Oh wait, that was an awesome pick and I should feel awesome for taking the chance on him. Possibly.
September 10th, 2008 at 9:27 am
@Merk
I feel your pain, I also have Palmer, Jamal Lewis, and Fargas. Luckily, I also have Barber at RB and signed Cassel 25 minutes after Brady got hurt on Sunday.
September 10th, 2008 at 9:28 am
I drafted brady first in one of my league’s. QB’s touchdowns are worth 6pts, it makes sense!
Anyway this was fucking great. The picture fit perfectly. Matt Cassel has the biggest bitch tits.
September 10th, 2008 at 9:29 am
@thebestthereiswasandwillbe
What an interesting take on things. Please, tell us more. Only speak up this time, and refrain from using that pesky punctuation crap.
September 10th, 2008 at 9:38 am
I drafted him in two leagues, and he had in one keeper. McNabb was my backup in two of those. I traded him two days before the start of the season for Marshawn Lynch and Matt Schaub in one league, and Reggie Bush/Rodgers in another. I figured Brady hasn’t missed a game in years.
I don’t know why god hates me.
September 10th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Man, it smells like shit in my office.
September 10th, 2008 at 9:46 am
i missed a draft and it autodrafted Brady for me, since i couldn’t in good conscience have a Pat on my team i cut him. BEST. WEEK. EVER.
September 10th, 2008 at 9:58 am
This is Bob. Bob has bitch tits.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:00 am
@Daydream, cut him? Why didn’t you trade him?
September 10th, 2008 at 10:01 am
Mmm… an old-fashioned would make an absolutely amazing breakfast.
Fucking fantasy ball. I scored 146 points — 4th-highest of 14 — in one league and still got my ass kicked by Smurphette because she had goddamn Michael Turner. Meanwhile, in another league my team scored the second-lowest out of 12 and still won the week because the other guy’s team was godawful. IT’S NOT FAIR I TELL YOU.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:07 am
@UU, it’s a small league that hardly anyone pays attention to (involves two guys that barely follow football), by the time someone actually logged in to see he was up for trade his knee would’ve been assploded already.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:08 am
addendum: it’s a facebook league that one guy started because he wasn’t in any other leagues and felt left out of what everyone else was doing, so no money and no bragging rights
September 10th, 2008 at 10:09 am
Oh Can I appreciate this. Yep, I had brady and burleson also… WTF!
September 10th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Carson Palmer, Steven Jackson, and Laurence Maroney all shit the bed for me on Sunday. And to think I had Eli to back him up but thought there’s no way Eli out plays Palmer. I also have/had Burleson, waiting on waivers to get Eddie Royal.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:17 am
@Daydream, now it makes sense.
@fmra, fantasy football is a bitch. Last year in one league I won one game due to facing one of the top 3 scoring teams 12 out of 14 weeks.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:25 am
I am Tom’s torn ACL.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:40 am
i just read Colston is out for a month, i have him on all my teams GAH
/jumps from window
//realizes he’s on the first floor
September 10th, 2008 at 10:42 am
Knob Creek tastes of ass. Old Forester Signature and Elijah Craig 12 yo are waaaaay tastier. And cheaper.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Mark, Fahhk your punctuation… but sorry bout the caps… didnt realize i was in caps til after i posted it.
but what do i care, at 1:20et sunday afternoon, i became one of the happiest men on the face of this earth. that’s what he gets for cheating, and belicheat wont be able to prospectively groom cassell without his video’s of the other teams signals and headsup on what they are gonna do that play.
though, i do have to admit that my fantasy team relys to heavily on peter king’s man crush…
September 10th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Guh. Tom Brady owner here. My backup? Jeff Garcia.
I. Am. Fucked.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:46 am
“so he couldn’t pick Brady at #8. He wanted Brady. Oh, I felt grand at the time. Wore my hat at a jaunty tilt.”
Cliff Burton went through the same range of emotions after winning Kirk Hammet’s bunk on Metallica’s tour bus.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Pretty glad I drafted Horseballs.
September 10th, 2008 at 10:56 am
I am a Brady/Bulger owner and this post made me punch a baby. Again.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:00 am
BAHAHAHAHA Michael Turner is the balls.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:11 am
you people don’t know the meaning of “fucked.”
i have tom brady in a dynasty league. his backup? neckbeard.
thankfully everyone is making horrible offers trying screw my (potentially) awesome team up forever. i fucking hate fanasy foobaw.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:13 am
I got shafted by Yahoo who gave me the last pick in my draft so I also took Brady first. Losing him is a small price to pay for the agony of Pats fans for the rest of the year. Also, I have Jet Favre.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:17 am
I took Brady in the first round but it only cost $20 to join the league. To see the Pats completely fucked for a small fee of $20 is completely worth it to me. I got Eli as a backup so I might not totally be fucked….just keep throwing it to Burress baby!
September 10th, 2008 at 11:21 am
So weird. My name is Matt and I was a Tom Brady owner as well. Also had Nate Burleson. I picked 10th in a 14 team draft. A lot of my friends have been asking me if I actually wrote this article. Craziness! I share your pain brother!
September 10th, 2008 at 11:31 am
As a Pats fan and somone who took Brady fifth in his most important league, these are trying times.
I’ve prescribed myself a daily dosage of reverse cowgirl and no less than 6 Sierra Nevada Anniversary Ales on game day. I’m sure if it will be enough, but goddamnit it’s a start.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:39 am
I’ve got Matt Hasselbeck being backed up by Jason Campbell. I think I’m going to run head first into a brick wall.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:40 am
I decided to back Brady up with Jason Campbell. Time to start looking forward to 2009!
September 10th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Guy in my fantasy league picked Brady #2 overall in our draft, and had to wait until 19 to pick again. So since he has Michael Turner who as I suspect is going to be the guy that is going to ef the team over on half the starts (because Lions Def = Bad and Falcons = Bad and week 1 = Bizarro NFL so don’t expect those numbers again) once Brady went down everyone else had a field day ripping on the guy.
/dude is also a Packers homer and we live around Chicago
// You’re going down this week Tore-Ass
September 10th, 2008 at 11:47 am
don’t y’all forget that quartered-backing is the bailiwick of J.T. of the family O’Sullivan . . .
September 10th, 2008 at 11:56 am
I have McNabb at starter and Rodgers as backup so I don’t feel your pain. Sorry.
/BWAHAHAHAHAHA
//still lost this week
September 10th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
I too drafted Brady (also had Burleson as well) now I have to rely on….Marmalard
/Lord please let Matt Ryan clear waivers
//Matt Ryan will probably suck ass but still week 1 was promising
September 10th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
How wonderful to create a place for all the peoplel who don’t follow standard protcol, by drafting running backs in the first round, to whine. Enjoy yourselves, and I hope you have learned something from this. Maybe next year you won’t be so smug when you take the best QB from this season who will be surely to disappoint.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
she farted a lot. that’s probably what I’ll miss least about her ass.
September 10th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Of course Browns, because taking a running back in the first round ALWAYS pays off. Just talk with anyone who took Shaun Alexander or Steven Jackson in the top 5 last year and they will certainly agree that taking a running back in the first round never fails.
September 10th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
I am just glad to see that thebestthereiswasandwillbe decided to correct his overuse of capitalization by ignoring it all together.
September 10th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Thank god I took Westbrook over Brady
September 10th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
RE slothrop Says: I am Tom’s torn ACL.
+1
Question: Why do you people call it a “fantasy” league? Aren’t fantasies supposed to be somewhat pleasant? All you do is bitch about your picks and how they’ve disappointed you. Sounds like marriage, actually. And you enjoy this? Just askin’. Honestly curious.
September 11th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Not only did I pick Brady but I had Colston and Clark as well in my $50 league. I haven’t paid yet so it looks like its time to get some new friends for next year.