Matt Cassel Meets the Boss
[Int. Coach Belichick's office]
Matt: Hey coach, thanks for calling me in for this chat, I figure there’s some things we need to talk about.
Bill: [mumbles incoherently]
Matt: Sir?
Bill: Have a seat.
Matt: Yes, sir. So what is it you wanted to discuss?
Bill: Enough dickin’ around. I gotta know right here and right now, are you ready to lead this team to the Super Bowl?
Matt: I certainly hope so, sir.
Bill: The fuck is that supposed to mean? Hope? Fuck hope. Can you play or not, you little shitstain?
Matt: I think I’m good to go, sir, it’s just that I haven’t started a game in almost nine years now.
Bill: You think I didn’t know that already, dipshit? I know every god damn thing there is to know about you, except for all of that namby-pamby personal bullcrap.
Matt: So what is it you’d like to know?
Bill: Well I know you can run the offense, so what I need to know is how to make you… comfortable [grimaces]. As you said, you haven’t started a game since you were in high school, so I want to put you back in that frame of mind. How did you get ready on a gameday back then?
Matt: Well usually my mom would make be a big breakfast before school. You know, pancakes, eggs, bacon. The whole deal.
Bill: Good, good. We can arrange for all that. [into intercom] Peggy, have Matt Cassel’s mother woken from her mid-afternoon chardonnay nap and fly her out here posthaste.
Matt: That’s really not necessary sir.
Bill: I’ll tell you what’s necessary around here. So what else? You want me to get that cute wife of yours off of the President’s cock long enough to give you a servicing?
Matt: That won’t be necessary, I didn’t date Laura until I was a backup at USC who never really had to play. It worked out because I had plenty of time to go to her volleyball matches.
Bill: Well isn’t that sweet. So aside from the breakfast, what else did you do on gamedays?
Matt: I’d always eat a chicken for lunch. That was one of my rituals in my old playing days.
Bill: Fine, whatever, we’ll get you some fucking chicken. Did you do anything besides eat to get loose?
Matt: To tell you the truth, one of the varsity cheerleaders would always make one of the new freshmen girls give me a blowjob right before the game. Not that I’d force them or anything, they’d be totally in to it, for the most part.
Bill: Of course, of course.
Matt: But obviously we can’t arrange for something like that now, can we? [nervous laughter]
Bill: Why the fuck not? [into intercom] Peggy, get us a young cheerleader in here doubletime. And find one with some of those DSL’s I’ve been hearing so much about.
Matt: Uh, sir, I really don’t think any of this is necess-
Bill: Like hell it’s not! Your job is not to make decisions, your job is to do what the fuck I tell you when I fucking tell you!
Matt: Of course, sir.
[Cheerleader enters]
Bill: [mumbles incoherently] So what do you think, Matty?
Matt: Well that’s not a real cheerleader sir, that’s Hayden Panettiere dressed as her character from Heroes. And I happen to know that she’s really 19 years old.
Bill: [into intercom] Peggy, get me some real ones, and make ‘em farm fresh.
Matt: Sir, I really don’t think we should be bringing underage girls in here. I could get in a lot of trouble if anybody finds out this time.
Bill: [silencing glare]
Matt: Yes sir, whatever you think is best.
[Three giggling cheerleaders enter]
Matt: Ooooh, braces over there really brings back memories.
Bill: Oh yeah?
Matt: Yeah. Now if you can get that one to puke on my lap afterward it’ll feel just like that last game day all over again.
Bill: Excellent. Oh, by the way, how did you perform in that game?
Matt: 3 for 11 or something like that. Why?
Bill: [mumbles incoherently]
Matt: I’m sorry sir, I didn’t catch that.
Bill: I said “get the fuck out of here!”
Matt: Yes sir. Come on girls, I’ll drop you off at the mall or something. Don’t worry, you don’t have to blow anybody you don’t want to, at least until you rush a sorority.
Bill: Leave them.
Matt: All three?!
Bill: Take metal mouth.
Matt: Thanks, coach!
Bill: [mumbles incoherently]
[Matt exits]
Tags: Belichick taped your woman showering this morning, Bill Belichick, Evil, it's satire people, Matt Cassel, Underage cheerleaders, Unsilent Majority
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September 8th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Ahh, nothing about this will ever get old.
/Bills to win the AFC East?
September 8th, 2008 at 11:55 am
P.S. – Don’t marry a cheerleader.
September 8th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Why would Belichick be interested in underage cheerleaders? Odds are they aren’t married.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
What? No buttsecks?
September 8th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
matt light will provide the slumpbusters. that’s sort of his thing.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
i suspect Belicheat is not having Matt’s mom flown out for the purpose you set forth.
and, in that photo he looks like the illegitmate spawn of Darth Vader and Dr. Claw.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Ah, sweet, sweet evil satire makes this pain so much easier to take. Also, Joe Gibbs won with a Black QB. Surely Belichick can win with a retard from USC, right? I hear Salisbury is available.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
That “deer in the headlights” stare that Cassel’s got sure is confidence inspiring. No way they finish worse than 5-11 this season. No friggin’ way.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Praying for a Jeff George sighting.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Bill likes to watch.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Awesome, here’s hoping Simms or Culpepper doesn’t mess this greatness up…
September 8th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Cassel turned down Hayden Panettiere?!?!?! Guess that makes him gayer than Brady Quinn’s taint patch.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
My favorite part: “Yeah. Now if you can get that one to puke on my lap afterward it’ll feel just like that last game day all over again.”
Maybe if Matt dumps his wife after impregnating her and then starts porking a supermodel, that’ll get him in the right frame of mind. Kinda surprised this hasn’t occurred to Emperor Palpatine, I mean, Coach Belichick.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Ha! My woman showers in the evening Coach Belisecondplace! Try taping her now!
/that came out wrong
September 8th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Cassel likes the White Sox? I may have a new favorite QB…
September 8th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
yes rocco the bills will win the east… thank god for are ol freind sammy morris pushing down on pollard
September 8th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
twoeightnine masturbated for the 16th time today after reading this.
then he made a shitty photoshop about his masturbatory session, and masturbated to that.
September 8th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
hey, 289 loves his tweens
September 8th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Make that 17 times. Tell your mom to grab her mop, this mess isn’t going to clean up itself.
September 8th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
ziiiiiiing
September 8th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
fucking guy is a white sox fan? I swear, there is an inexplicably new and awful reason to hate each and every New England Patriot.
Also, Peter King, in case you haven’t read this yet, would like to stifle any talk of the NFL adding a 17th or 18th regular season game because of the tewwible tewwible injuries these grown men, who are paid handsomely for their time, can suffer on any given play. He requests that the NFL season in fact be shortened to a single 29 yard touchdown pass from Brady to Moss.
/Bills to win the AFC East indeed.
September 8th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
did you masturbate 17 times – onto the floor?
September 8th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
No, it was 17 times into your mother’s mouth. But the bitch gagged and spit it out onto the floor. Hence, the mop.
September 8th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
G was there, cupping his balls while working the mouse for Photoshop.
September 8th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Actually, I wasn’t cupping his balls. I was trying to keep you from knocking your mother over so that you could catch 289’s chowda in your own mouth. You were also yelling something about “I would’ve swallowed all that shit” too, but I didn’t catch all of it, because I was too busy laughing at 289 slapping you and telling you to help your mom find the damn mop. It’s not my fault you hobbled away like a little bitch after he did that.
September 8th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
how’d that Photoshop turn out? pissah?
September 8th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Buffalo sounds fun!
September 8th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Let the cat fights begin! ROWRRR!!!
September 8th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
So that’s what Matt Cassel looks like.
September 8th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Matt won’t need any cheerleaders when Giselle dumps Tom for Cassell. Please, she wants to date an NFL starting quarterback, not some loser has-been with a shredded knee.
September 8th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
@RT – It makes him gayer than many things, but NOTHING is gayer than Brady Quinn.
September 9th, 2008 at 5:33 am
Excuse the fuck out of me, but …
…what heterosexual male would actually take steps to [i]prevent[/i] Hayden Panettiere from sucking their cock?
/i’m young enough for that not to be creepy
September 9th, 2008 at 5:33 am
Fuckin’ brackets! HTML fail
September 9th, 2008 at 10:04 am
Seems to me that the only diff between KSK Jerry Jones and KSK Bill Belichick is the volume with which they say it. Lemme hear Belichick mumble a (brief, lowercase) “yehaw”.
September 9th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Needs more [mumbles incoherently].
Also, I echo the sentiment of Man Bear Pig.
This was awesome though:
Bill: Leave them.
Matt: All three?!
Bill: Take metal mouth.
Matt: Thanks, coach!
September 9th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
I just worked an 18 hour shift…you guys bring such joy to my life.