‘Listen, Jeff. Don’t Worry, Buddy. You’re Still My Guy’
Jeff, I want you to visualize your career, right here, in my hand. I’m fondling your career in my right hand, right now, like a teenage tit. I know you don’t know what that’s like, since you’ve been blowing dudes your whole life, but I want you to…let…Jeff, let me finish. I want you know that you’re still my guy.
THAT’S A GREAT BALL, BRIAN! GREAT READ! WAY TO FIND THAT SAFETY VALVE IN THE FLAT!
Frankly, Jeff, I don’t know why you’ve been playing like shit. I know you’re under a lot of strain. I can only imagine how tough it could be to maintain a hetero front in the rough and tumble world of pro football. And then to switch around and be your true self while you cruise the streets at night and jerk off other guys in discos, that can’t…Jeff…Jeff, my turn to speak, Jeff. I just want you to know, I don’t care if you’re gay. These things are part…I’m trying to…Jeff, would you just shut up for a second? I’m trying to help you out here.
AW, IKE, YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT BALL! THAT’S INEXCUSABLE, IKE! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!
Jeff, maybe you need to leave the team for a couple days. You know, get your head clear for a little bit. I don’t know, maybe you could round up your butt buddies and go for a little gang bang getaway to Cabo or some…Jeff, no Jeff, look, go ahead and take a few days, buddy. Don’t worry about this stuff here. Go and get yourself the cock that you really need, and we’ll be…Jeff, listen…look, there’s nothing to be angry about, okay? We’ll be here when you get back. Now go, run along. AND FORGET ABOUT FOOTBALL!
HEY, WATCH YOUR FOOTWORK, BRIAN! I WANT QUIET FEET! NONE OF THIS GREGORY HINES SHIT!
I tell ya, you get so much more out of your team when you really know your players.
[blows whistle] ALRIGHT, GUYS, LET’S BRING IT IN!
Tags: Jeff Garcia, Jon Gruden, Managing The Psyche Of The Allegedly Gay Athlete, MMP, Tampa Bay Bucs
September 16th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Poor lil’ Jeff, he just wants a change to compete!!
September 16th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I WANT QUIET FEET! NONE OF THIS GREGORY HINES SHIT!
Well played.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
It’s amazing to me that T.O. finally settled down with an even gayer QB…
Shades of gay = Garcia < Romo < Quinn < absolutely, positively, no one on earth
/dating Jessica for a piece of Joe
September 16th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
I’m curious: how many Playboy playmates you have to marry and knock up to be considered straight? ’cause I gotta get on that, stat
September 16th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Be as gay as you want. But if you bust your spleen – I will send you the fuck outta here.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
He’s not unhappy because he’s gay. He’s unhappy because he’s Mexican.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
I can definitely envision this
September 16th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
He’s only half Mexican. The other half is Irish, so he’s an unhappy drunk.
September 16th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Gruden: Oh and pick up my laundry.
September 16th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Gruden is sooooo overrated. If he really knew Jeff Garcia, he would have gotten him a cabana boy on the side a long time ago. Reactionary prick.
September 16th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
@CC – Sleepy unhappy mexican
September 16th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
@18-1 yeah Tom Brady is the model of masculinity
September 16th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Gruden: Is this a respectable size?
Jeff: Sorry, buddy but Chucky Jr. is not up to NFL standards.
September 16th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
@futuremrs: Says the Argentine, whose people are known the world over for harboring Nazis. Being Mexican doesn’t make me unhappy, but I can’t deny that I’m lazy.
Wow, it seems that Jeff Garcia and I have a lot in common. We’re both half Irish, we’re both half Mexican, and we both have sex with men.
September 16th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Jeff Garcia as he drifts away on an iceberg: I’m not your buddy, pal!
September 16th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
if they dealt him to cleveland, he could be brady quinns mentor in several life aspects.
September 16th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Man, how fucking cool is it to be Gruden? Young-ish, got a ring, all kinds of hot ass in Florida…
Except for that whole coaching the Bucs shit.
September 16th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
/threadjack
Megan Fox goes both ways…discuss…and gay mafia, find a way to work this into a Football theme. That is all.
/end threadjack
September 16th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Man, that was fucking great.
How about a trade to the Pats, since in MA he could literally get that marriage that Gruden refused to give him.
[mumbles incoherently]
September 16th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
@ Sherman: Garcia back to Jeff: I’m not your guy, buddy!
September 17th, 2008 at 6:46 am
Jeffy wants to “mentor” the young Brady Quinn.
September 17th, 2008 at 10:14 am
It’s hard out here for a gay quarterback.
September 17th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Caliendo as Shatner as Gruden:
And Jeff, don’t play it so……..gay.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSLvGH1mw2Q
September 17th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
I concur w/ Albo. I’d gladly be rumored to be gay if I could have a Playmate.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
ON the upside here in Chicago this Sunday we get to witness Brian Griese vs. Kyle Orton whilst the Sex Cannon watches and has his tears intercepted….
Ok maybe no upside there.