Lane Kiffin’s Daring Escape From Raidervania
Lane Kiffin: Well, I guess Mr. Davis wants to see me today. Although I don’t know why he invited me to his forbidding mountaintop castle at midnight. Seems awfully late for a business meeting. I just hope he fires me so I can get on with my life.
(knocks on very large, ornate gargoyle door knocker)
Hmm. No answer. HELLO? ANYONE THERE?
(door creaks open on its own)
Gee. That’s odd.
(walks in)
Boy, there’s no one here. HELLO! MR. DAVIS? IT’S ME, LANE!
Oh my goodness! Look at all those bats! Well, it doesn’t look like anyone is here. I think I’ll get going. But, before I do, I better lean against this very old bookcase so that I can tie my shoe.
(leans against bookcase, triggers hidden mechanism, opens secret door, falls down steep slide into damp, torch-lit chamber)
Oh, my goodness! That must have been a thirty-foot drop! But how will I get out of here? Dammit, my cell phone doesn’t work! I better use one of these torches to light my way.
(crypt flies open)
Count Al: HISSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
Lane: AAAAAAH!
Count Al: Now, I am going to suuuuuuck.
Lane: Please, Mr. Davis. If you just let me hire my own defensive coordinator, I think we can get this team on track!
Count Al: Must suuuuuuck. Vant to suuuuuck…
Lane: No, please! Don’t subject these fans to any more of your terrors!
Count Al: Cannot stop sucking… must have fresh, overpaid bodies to feast upon. Finished sucking bloated body of Jamatthew Russell…
Lane: Jamarcus, sir.
Count Al: Jamichael.
Lane: Jamarcus.
Count Al: Jamclintock!
Lane: Jamarcus.
Count Al: VATEVER! (picks up illegitimate child of Darren McFadden’s, chomps into its back, drinks it spinal fluid) NOW I AM GOING TO SUCK YOU!
Lane: Never!
(turns and runs)
Oh no, a mummy!
Art Shell: (groans loudly)
Count Al: No escape. Vee shall always suuuuuuck!
Lane: Not so fast, Mr. Davis. I know your one weakness!
Count Al: HISSSSSS!!!!!! HIGH PERCENTAGE, SHORT RANGE PASSING PLAYS! DAMN YOU, KIFFIN!
Lane: Now to escape to a cushy Pac-10 coaching job!
Count Al: VEREVOLF MAN, SEIZE HIM!
WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Lane: Not so fast, Wolf Man! I know your weakness too!
Count Al: CURSES! A sensible, blitz-free defense! His silver and black bullet!
WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Lane: I’ll be leaving now, Mr. Davis. I wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors.
Count Al: I VILL GET YOU, LANE KIFFIN! YOU VILL NOT STOP ME FROM SUCKING! I VON’T PAY OUT YOUR CONTRACT! GET ME THE UNDEAD BODY OF VINCE EVANS!
Art Shell: (groans loudly)
Al Davis Photoshoped by 289. OR WAS HE?!
Tags: Barrett robbins will play the part of Mr. Hyde, Big Daddy Drew, Count Al, nightmare fuel, tales of terror
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Jesus Christ – that freaked me out more than any of those Peter and Brett post.
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:37 pm
sometimes i wonder how al will continue to screw over the team, employees, players and fans when he’s gone.
/sighs
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Jamclintock! HA HA HA HA
Just vin, baby.
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:39 pm
That image of Al Davis will haunt my dreams tonight.
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:40 pm
no nightmare fuel tag for the count al pic?
that’s some disturbing shit.
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:42 pm
(crypt flies open)
There’s so much reality crammed into those three words that it’s frightening……..but not nearly as frightening as the sight of Al with bed…..er, crypt hair.
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I’m having a hard time figuring out that play. Where’s the QB and whom is he throwing to? Or in Jamarcus’s case, wildly overthrowing?
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:45 pm
+1 for barrett robbins tag
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:47 pm
That was genius. The first HISSSSS had me busting up laughing.
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Interesting fact: photo of Al Davis was not photoshopped.
September 22nd, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Bra-vo. Al Davis reminds me of Vigo from the second ghostbusters flick. ‘Death is but a door, time but a window… I shall return’. And then he’s back fuckin’ shit up and stealing babies to eat. Fucker.
September 22nd, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Since when did Count Chocula start running the Raiders? I love his cereal, but his team really does suck.
This is what happens when you don’t put your out-of-touch, senile owner out to pasture before it’s too late. See Steinbrenner.
September 22nd, 2008 at 2:04 pm
WOLFMANS GOT NARDS!!!
September 22nd, 2008 at 2:10 pm
What a horrible night/season to have a curse!!!
/nerd
September 22nd, 2008 at 2:25 pm
@albo, QB is the bottom-most dot, he should throw it in the flat to the TE
September 22nd, 2008 at 2:37 pm
That would be pretty sweet to get fired but still get paid for two years.
September 22nd, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Since when did Wolf from American Gladiators start coaching for the Raiders?
September 22nd, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Call the Monster Squad. They helped Marcus Allen escape.
September 22nd, 2008 at 2:43 pm
@ qwijibo
+5 hearts
September 22nd, 2008 at 2:59 pm
I will voluntarily coach the Raiders for a season using the Raiders’ Madden 09 playbook, if Al Davis promises to fire me and pony up for the last two years of my three year contract.
I’d do crazy shit, too. I’d never punt, always go for it on fourth down, start games with an onside kick, put 11 men in the box, run Engage Eight blitzes, and shit like that.
September 22nd, 2008 at 3:03 pm
@Animal Mother
I would argue that this is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass. But what do I know? I only served our country in ‘Nam while you were out playing grab ass in Canada with a bunch of god damn hippies.
September 22nd, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Al Davis bases his decisions on the secret signals he receives from the five reruns of Matlock he watches every afternoon. From his Craftmatic Bed.
September 22nd, 2008 at 3:07 pm
wererob ryan’s other weakness is lynyrd skynyrd.
September 22nd, 2008 at 3:10 pm
“YOU VILL NOT STOP ME FROM SUCKING!”
Don’t worry Al. There’s no power in the universe that can keep you and your team from sucking!
September 22nd, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Beware the Zombie Gene Upshaw.
September 22nd, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Why win, when you can lose?!
September 22nd, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Sweet evil Jebus, I will never sleep again!
September 22nd, 2008 at 10:08 pm
@Walter – Don’t visit a humor website and expect serious commentary. What do you know? Not much, and you definitely know nothing about me. Being old and gray is no excuse for acting stupidly and without common sense. But if the shoe fits, by all means wear it.
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:13 am
I almost puked up my breakfast looking at that actual picture of Al von franken Davis. That is some scary shit.