KSK Book Klub: Boys Will Be Boys (Featuring More Of Charles Haley’s Penis)
Best-selling author and liberal Jew from New York Jeff Pearlman has a new book on the 1990s Cowboys that comes out today (Buy it here). Now, you probably already know that this book has already given us the profound gift that is Charles Haley masturbating in front of teammates. A little meet and skeet, if you will. Ah, but that is merely one of the many juicy tidbits that litter Pearlman’s book, which reads like a virtual “Hammer Of The Gods” for football.
For instance, there’s the fact that Michael Irvin, in addition to being a cokehead, a philanderer, and a selfish prick, is also an… how does one put this? Oh yes… AN ATTEMPTED FUCKING MURDERER. See now, I had remembered long ago that Irvin had gotten into a fight with teammate Everett McIver, but I had forgotten about this tidbit of information:
Irvin grabbed a pair of scissors, whipped back his right arm, and slashed McIver across the neck… inches from the carotid artery.
What was McIver’s transgression? He wouldn’t get out of the team’s barbershop chair when Irvin showed up for a haircut. When Irvin showed up and saw McIver getting his hair cut, he screamed: “Seniority! Seniority! Seniority! Punk, get the fuck out of my chair!” When McIver refused, the two got into a fistfight, which then led to Irvin STABBING HIM IN THE NECK WITH SCISSORS. Irvin then paid McIver off for six figures, charges were never filed, and the team tried to bury the story (They were not very successful in this regard).
So, yeah, there’s a Hall of Famer for you. Pearlman has a knack for getting great stories from everyone surrounding the team. The book is packed top to bottom with tales of players fucking, fighting, or doing drugs. And that’s the hallmark of any classic book, as far as I’m concerned. I know that’s all I ever want to read about.
As Pearlman tells the tale of the team, from Jimmy Johnson’s hiring all the way through to the end of the Switzer era, it became clear to me that a team like this simply doesn’t exist anymore. It can’t. As the NFL has become a corporate monolith, and as the Internet has taken over the way NFL news is both created and digested, the idea that a football team can get away with everything depicted in Pearlman’s book is now laughable.
Those 1990’s Cowboys represented the end of an era, an era that had no salary cap, an era where players (and coaches) could party all the time and still win multiple titles. There’s a tone of wistfulness here, the idea that this was the end of true old time football, and that the NFL has lost a bit of its soul in the ensuing years as it has grown bigger and bigger.
Just as real rock stars don’t walk the earth anymore, NFL players are now packaged and micromanaged to the point where they aren’t allowed to be the gloriously flawed people that fans, against all rationality, grow to love. In some ways, that’s tragic. In other ways, Michael Irvin STABBED A FUCKING GUY IN THE NECK WITH SCISSORS. So I suppose you take the good with the bad.
Some more fascinating tidbits:
-Charles Haley once cut a hole in the roof of Tim Harris’ BMW and pissed onto the steering wheel. This story made me happy, because as a Vikings fan I fucking hated Tim Harris.
-Once in a team meeting, Haley came back from the bathroom, pulled down his shorts, wiped his ass, and threw his poopy toilet paper at 49ers linebacker coach John Marshall.
-During another team meeting, Haley whispered to teammate Scott Case, “Scott, turn around, I gotta show you something… Scott, dammit, turn around! You need to see this!” When Case turned around, according to Pearlman, he “saw Haley’s erect penis stretched across the desk.”
-The Cowboys often held position meetings at strip clubs.
-Michael Irvin financed a Cowboys charity basketball team called the Hoopsters that had its own private plane, which was mostly used to hold airborne orgies, with Irvin dictating who should be fucking who. “There was nothing Mike couldn’t think of,” said his assistant. “He had quite the imagination.”
-Irvin also charged huge personal appearance fees for the Hoopsters to show up at events. In one case, he charged the Little Dribblers of Fairfield Texas $5,600 to appear, then RAISED the fee, then failed to show up and refused to refund the original money after the organizer balked at paying the increased charge. Irvin also slugged a volunteer ref during one of the team’s games.
-The Cowboys gave specific instructions to American Airlines to only hire beautiful attendants for their charter flights, and kept a book with photos and measurements of the best-looking stewardesses.
-One Christmas, Emmitt Smith gave teammates copies of his own autobiography as a gift.
-When he was very young, Barry Switzer’s mother committed suicide in front of him. Even worse, she did it just after Switzer had bravely (and quite eloquently) confronted her about her alcoholism. And if you can’t feel for Switzer after reading the whole story, I don’t really want to know you.
-Nate Newton once hid a Snickers bar in his uniform, which then flew out during a game. Afterwards, cornerback Larry Brown was heard to remark, “Did a damn candy bar just fly from Nate’s body, or am I imagining things?”
-Jerry Jones routinely cheated on his wife with a Texas Stadium Corp employee named Susan Skaggs, often using the team plane to do so. (What is it with the Cowboys and fucking in the sky?) Jones’ pilot said, “We could feel the airplane moving and shaking. It didn’t move and shake that long.” WOO HOO!!! YOU AIN’T EVER HAD LOVIN’ LIKE THE OL’ DOUBLE-J! Excuse me for moment. I now have motion sickness.
-Switzer fucked the wife of player personnel head Larry Lacewell. And Lacewell wasn’t even mad about it.
And now some money quotes:
Haley to Steve Young in the locker room after a 49ers loss: “I could have fucking won that game in my sleep! You’re a motherfucking pussy faggot quarterback! A motherfucking pussy faggot quarterback with no balls!” You know, I used to say the EXACT same things about that guy!
James Washington on Jim Everett: “Yeah, I would smash Jim Everett when I wasn’t supposed to, but I thought the bitch was a punk.”
Washington: “A lot of were addicted to it… to the pussy.” Well, who can blame anyone for pussyholism?
Irvin, to teammates in the locker room: “How can I allow only one woman to have a body this good? This is the body you will aspire to have. This is the body you will aspire to achieve. You will not achieve it, but this is what you will strive to achieve.” Notice he made no similar boasts about his brain.
Anonymous player: “Mike got more Cowboys laid than touchdown catches.”
Anthony Montoya, Irvin’s assistant: “The one thing I felt guilty about is helping Mike lie so many times to Sandy (Irvin’s wife). He cheated on her nonstop.”
Columnist Mike Freeman on Emmitt Smith: “He had a huge ego that made him sort of a dick.”
Emmitt Smith to cornerback Clayton Holmes, after Holmes asked Smith to sign an autograph for his mom, with his mom standing right nearby: “Man, I ain’t signing shit!”
Anonymous player: “Mike didn’t have a drug problem. Mike had a pussy problem.”
Jerry Jones: “I could step out and hire Barry Switzer as coach of the Dallas Cowboys tomorrow and he’d do a better job than Jimmy (Johnson). Hell, I could probably get Lou Holtz over here.”
“I had one of those anal probes, but I’m a little more clearheaded now… Did you say you wanted me to coach the Cowboys?…” Switzer to Jones, after being offered the Cowboys job right after having a colonoscopy. Jones never bothered to interview Switzer before offering him the job.
Switzer, at his first meeting with the team: “Where the hell is Charles Haley? I’m mad at you! I heard you flicked your dick at everybody, and you didn’t do it to me? What am I, chopped liver?”
“Give me five minutes and I’ll take you to heaven,” Jones to a female friend of a reporter. He also asked the woman if she had any panties on under her skirt.
And all that barely begins to scratch the surface of what Pearlman was able to dig up. So I implore you to buy “Boys Will Be Boys” with all due haste. That way, we can all make inside jokes about Charles Haley’s Frankencock TOGETHER, as a family.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, ksk book klub, michael irvin is an attempted murderer
September 16th, 2008 at 9:10 am
WHOOOOOO DOGGIE I SURE DO LOVES ME SOME FUCKING IN THE SKY! YEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAW I AM FUCKING CRAZY!
I’ve always wanted to read “The Bad Guys Won! A Season of Brawling, Boozing, Bimbo-chasing, and Championship Baseball with Straw, Doc, Mookie, Nails, The Kid, and the Rest of the 1986 Mets, the Rowdiest Team Ever to Put on a New York Uniform–and Maybe the Best”, but I . . . lost track of what I was going to say. Is it out of print?
September 16th, 2008 at 9:16 am
After last night, this only makes my homicidal rage stronger. Emmitt’s kind of a dick? Shocker. And correction, Michael Irvin had a pussy problem AND a drug problem. Also, Aikman loves cock. Ohmygodihatethefuckingcowboys.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:17 am
So, what you are saying is that we can still watch Playmakers, but we have to do it at Bangbus.com?
September 16th, 2008 at 9:20 am
Well, he did have seniority.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:27 am
All right, who else did a Google Image Search for Susan Skaggs?
September 16th, 2008 at 9:31 am
I remember when that Snickers was on the field at Texas Stadium….Madden circled it with the telestrator and correctly identified #61 as the culprit. Fucking Nate had cases of those damned Snickers in the back next to the bales. Come to think of it, he bought everything in bulk.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:37 am
If you dont think all of Drew’s family members are getting a signed copy of Men With Balls this year, you are sorely mistaken.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:40 am
American’s team my ass.
/Early 90’s Bills players were pretty bad too. I’m surprised they didn’t skip those Super Bowls altogether and just party in Pasadena and Atlanta.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:42 am
It’s like some Bizzaro combination of the Bengals and Patriots, except with more drugs and sex.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Dooooodie!!!!!!!!
September 16th, 2008 at 9:59 am
If holding meetings at a strip club is wrong, I don’t ever want to be right.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:07 am
“I’m surprised they didn’t skip those Super Bowls altogether”
I would argue that they DID skip the last 3.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:14 am
I’m an Eagles fan. I read this article and immediately placed my order on Amazon. Your advertising worked!
September 16th, 2008 at 10:21 am
@WWSM: Meant to say I’m surprised they didn’t skip them together and just party. The Bills definitely skipped them. But thanks for the reminder.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:21 am
Now, the Cowboys are saying, “We didn’t know he had a drug problem.” Really? Do you know a lot of people not on drugs who wear gold suits? He’s supposed to be sitting on the sidelines inspiring his team, he looks like he should be shooting pool with Starsky & Hutch.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Kinda makes Irvin’s Hall of Fame speech seem…I dunno, a little hollow?
Oh man, I cannot WAIT for Emmit Smurf’s acceptance speech!!
September 16th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Double J looks like the type of guy that would “please” a woman for 30 seconds then roll over, throw a fifty at her and tell her to get out of his fucking face. I’m also guessing that’s also how Drew’s daughter was conceived.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Cocaine is a helluva drug.
September 16th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Position meetings at strip clubs? Pacman down wid it.
Fucking women in planes? Pacman down wid it.
Fucking other people’s wives? Forget Jason Garrett, Belichick is now the frontrunner for Fatty’s job.
/Bill & Jerry = nightmare fuel
September 16th, 2008 at 11:03 am
I just bought my copy two minutes ago Dad.
September 16th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Yeah simmons recommended this book last week
September 16th, 2008 at 11:08 am
if you can, try to get “Armpit: A Naughty Biology” on tape, read by the author
September 16th, 2008 at 11:20 am
i’ve always hated the cowboys but you made some pretty compelling points on why i should get this book. namely, it makes them all look like assholes.
September 16th, 2008 at 11:40 am
Sounds like Perlman doesn’t like it men fuck women and would prefer that men fuck him instead.
Same for a lot of you other guys, too.
September 16th, 2008 at 11:48 am
85 is a fag.
September 16th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Can’t…. live… without… Pussyhol
September 16th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
I’m getting really tired of hearing the Cowboys referred to as a “dynasty.” It’s bad enough when it’s used in reference to actual royalty, but hearing it applied to a bunch of retards like the Cowboys is fucking tiresome.
Also, if any mysterious super syphilis or gonorrhea or, well, anything that can be sexually transmitted suddenly springs up in the Dallas area, I guess we know where ground zero is.
RE ognihs “i’ve always hated the cowboys but you made some pretty compelling points on why i should get this book. namely, it makes them all look like assholes.”
They didn’t need any help there, but seeing it in print is pretty damn awesome just the same.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Just goes to show you that even though they were druggin’, boozin’, fuckin’, and damn near killin’, the Dallas Cowboys of the 90’s were just better than all of your teams combined. The Double-J’s arrogance claimed that team faster than #88 could snort a line off a stripper’s ass though.
Oh and 41-37 for all you Eagles fans out there.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Imagine if this team was actually in a livable city. Dallas is such a dump.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
@Stylist
That must be why there are so many Cowboys “fans” everywhere else.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
@jackin’4beats: Stifle that weak-ass Dallas Cowboy homerism. You guys could go undefeated in the regular season (which is impossible as evidenced by your vaunted defense’s lack of performance last night) but you’d still lose the first playoff game you got into.
::snap to Romo… FUMBLE!!::
September 16th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
“Bad Guys Won” was phenomenal, so i’m uber-pumped for this one.
also excited due to emmitt being a supreme twat to pearlman on Outside the Lines the other week.
i wish he could understand that barry sanders was twice the back he was. hate that guy.
September 16th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Buying it
September 16th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
“Stretced across the desk.”
I can relate, mine stretches across a pencil, easily.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
As an Eagles fan, I’d rather die than buy anything even remotely related to the Cowboys (sorry Jeff Pearlman), but I will certainly put myself on the waiting list for it at my library.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
You’ll notice how Charles conveniently avoids wagging cockenstein in Aikmans’ face . That’s right, he was afraid of the way Aikman’s eyes lit up every time Charles walked in the room.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Goddamn you, don’t you try to make me feel sympathy for Barry Fucking Switzer.
September 16th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
That Switzer/Larry Lacewell’s wife story actually happened when he was the coach at OU.
Incidentally, it’s also a fantasy that my girlfriend and I play out in the bedroom. She, of course, being Barry Switzer and I being Larry Lacewell’s wife.
September 16th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
@Loph: eat a bag of freshly cooked dicks. My unabashed homerism will stop when someone comes over here and shuts me up. When they win it all, you can be the first person to come and kiss the ring.
September 16th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
wow, the cowboys are gonna send you a super bowl ring if they win? that’s pretty sweet.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
No, Jackin4beats will be holding Charles Haleys ring while kissing Charles black cobra!
September 16th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Pussyholics Anonymous? Nope, not seeing it working.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
“When they win it all, you can be the first person to come and kiss the ring.”
Until they win a playoff game, you can kiss my ass.
/1996
September 16th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
i like sex as much as the next guy; i just like it with the same woman. roger staubach.
i like sex more than the next guy; that’s why i have it with everybody else’s women - preferably when we’re both stoked on coke. michael irvin.
this is america’s team. no wonder we’re in the fuckin shitter.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:59 am
“Switzer, at his first meeting with the team: ‘Where the hell is Charles Haley? I’m mad at you! I heard you flicked your dick at everybody, and you didn’t do it to me? What am I, chopped liver?’”
Now that’s what I call a “players’ coach”.
September 17th, 2008 at 9:50 am
On KSK’s recommendation, I picked this up last night, and spent the next four hours not able to put it down. UN-believable book, and Charles Haley is now my personal lord and savior.
September 17th, 2008 at 10:15 am
“wiped his ass, and threw his poopy toilet paper at 49ers linebacker coach John Marshall.
make it “her ass,” “poopy season ticket package”, and “at Denise and John York” and you’re inside my head
September 18th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Now that you know what you know about Skaggs, you HAVE to read this story. At a speech in a high school gym Jones praises Skaggs as “one of our most popular employees”, and Skaggs rattles off a list of the reasons Jones is so great. In hindsight, hilarious.
September 19th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Dont even trip, my fellow homos. The Cowboys will win this super bowl, and you all know it. But being a large Cowboys fan for life, I eat this shit up. Every one of your fucking teams do the same god damned thing, but you don’t hear about it because no one gives a fuck about them. I just wish all of these Cowboys raped your mothers, sisters and daughters and Haley made them eat his poopy toilet paper. Seriously, “poopy”? What the fuck. I own your souls, you fucking queers.
Oh, and I should mention that I was molested as a child. By my uncle. A LOT.
October 8th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
“Don’t listen to him Mr. President. He’s bisexual.”