KSK 2008 NFL Prekkake: NFC South
ATLANTA FALCONS The Falcons are scrambling to avoid a blackout of this weekend’s home opener. Granted I’m a cynic, but I don’t think knocking ten bucks off the price of a nosebleed ticket is going to entice the worst sports fans in America to come to the Georgia Dome. However, I have a sure fire way for the Falcons to capitalize on its two largest demographics and ensure a sellout: 1) schedule Jeff Foxworthy vs. Ne-Yo vs. NWO Sting in a Monster Truck race; and 2) cancel that boring-ass football game.
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS The question on the minds of many Saints fans heading into this season: Is this finally going to be the year that Reggie Bush establishes himself as a standout offensive weapon? Of course, the answer to that question is a resounding “hell naw.” Bush is a bust—a spicy, Creole-style laissez les bon temps roulez bust—but a bust all the same.
Experts and fans alike mocked former Houston GM Charley Casserly mercilessly after the Texans made Mario Williams the number one pick in the 2006 draft. So, the real question is why hasn’t Casserly hasn’t used one of his informative yet hopelessly dull segments on CBS with James Brown as a platform to crow about his prescient selection. Go ahead, Charley, feel free to tell us all to lick your musty old taint. You’ve earned it!
TAMPON BAY BUCCANEERS Chris Simms gets a bad rap in these parts and he’s certainly done his share to warrant the abuse. Still, our shabby treatment is nothing compared to how his own team hosed him. The Bucs despite keeping 47 quarterbacks on their roster during the preseason and despite having no intention of keeping Simms on the final roster refused to release him until final cuts. Why would Jon Gruden do such a thing? Highly placed sources within the NFL, speaking to KSK on the condition of strict anonymity, have given us the inside scoop: Gruden is a dickhead bastard. There you have it!
CAROLINA PANTHERS I had a really bitchy Steve Smith barb I wanted to put here, but my fragile psyche couldn’t handle the possibility of getting my ass beat by a midget. Instead, here’s a recipe for no-bake cookies:
2 cups granulated sugar
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup milk
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
Pinch of salt
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3 tablespoons peanut butter
3 cups quick oats
In large saucepan, combine sugar, butter, milk, cocoa and salt. Bring to boil over medium heat, stirring frequently. Continue boiling 3 minutes, stirring frequently.
Remove from heat. Stir in vanilla and peanut butter; stirring until peanut butter is melted. Add oats and mix well.
Drop by tablespoonfuls onto waxed paper. Let stand until firm. Store tightly covered. Makes approx. 3 dozen cookies.
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Steve Smith got his ass kicked by a midget? Redd Foxx would kick his ass for getting his ass kicked by a midget, then kick the midget Lucas’ ass for breathing on his fly. /just ask Mr. Sanford.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZC4avqgryc
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Is that evil nwo Sting or Wolfpac nwo Sting?
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I’d rather bake them
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:26 pm
I think you summed up the Super Bowl hopes of the entire division. Bake cookies, serve at Super Bowl party watching someone else play.
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:32 pm
That’s actually an amazing MS Paint Job. So much so that I find it hard to believe you did that in MS Paint.
How could you copy and paste without getting in a bunch of other shit, since the only way to copy and paste in paint (that I know of) is to take a whole square along with what you’re trying to do.
I call bullshit.
Let’s go to the (Zapruder) film.
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Casserly isn’t in the clear until Vince Young goes 7-21 with 1 INT and pulls a quad scrambling against the Jags, thus ensuring the Titans don’t fall ass-backwards into the playoffs again.
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Now I want cookies.
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Can we stop giving Assfaced Charley credit for the Williams pick? It’s the worst kept secret in the NFL that Gary Kubiak made that pick (with Rick Smith’s help) right before that incompetent fucktard was shown the door.
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:45 pm
I’d rather bake them
I’d rather be baked. FIXED
September 3rd, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Needs more over under.
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:05 pm
even if Casserly DID make the Mario selection, he still had a long way to go to make up for all the other Millenesque decisions he made as Texans GM.
Thanks Chucky! jackass
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:05 pm
There’s an NFC South?
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:10 pm
No-bake cookies you say … intriguing.
Someone needs to invent no-fry bacon. Now THAT would be the shit.
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:11 pm
BTW fuck moving the Saints to Los Angeles. Why not the Falcons? Hell, why not just move all professional teams out of Atlanta?
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Hey StuScottBooyahs: if you smoked more weed, you’d know that bacon can be microwaved.
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:25 pm
As a long time Bucs fan (yep, we do exist), I can say with total confidence that Chris Simms is the equivelant of a left-handed Sex Cannon. Good from a far, but far from good. Good riddance! Giant douche.
@StuScottBooyahs – up here in Canada, we actually have no-fry bacon. I believe it’s called “Ready Crisp” or some shit like that. It’s pretty much cooked bacon, you just have to heat it up in the microwave. I personally have not tried it, as I value my digestive tract way too much, but have heard that it more or less tastes like bacon.
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:29 pm
@Daydream – Not our fault choked the Browns away their season. Also it’s not as if we were the 99 rams throwing the fucking ball every which way. We basically just need someone who can hand the ball off. That being said throwing double the amt of picks to touchdowns is really awful.
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Isn’t there a recipe for brownies or something in the credits of Hot Shots! or The Naked Gun? Is that where the last joke came from?
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Hey StuScottBooyahs: if you smoked more weed, you’d know that bacon can be microwaved.
Ugh. Yes, I have tried that. I prefer my bacon crispy.
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:42 pm
futuremrs and StuScott:
http://www.mredepot.com/servlet/the-364/Yoder%E2%80%99s-Celebrity-Canned-Bacon/Detail
September 3rd, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Atlanta Fans are the worst in America? Sure the city as a whole isn’t that great but try telling that to the 45,000 Falcons fans (ok 40,000 Falcons 5,000 Detroit) that will be in the building on Sunday. Its hard cheering for a team that most predict will only have 3 wins but we will be there anyway!
September 3rd, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Plus, the only way to serve bacon is get you a Fry Daddy and deep fry them bitches. oh man, you can taste the cardiac event.
September 3rd, 2008 at 6:54 pm
does the canned bacon float?
September 3rd, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Atlanta fans, no bueno. The Braves made it the playoffs a decade and a half in a row and often had trouble selling out playoff games. PLAYOFF GAMES! The Dodgers have won exactly jack and shit since 1988 and they still finish top 5 in attendance rankings even during losing seasons.
True, it’s a lot easier to just show up for 4 innings, but…
September 3rd, 2008 at 10:09 pm
@Cybernetic Angel: 40,000 Falcons fans? That’s impressive to you? The capacity of the Georgia Dome is 75,850. Unless you were being funny, you should be ashamed of yourself and every other “Falcon fan.” That’s a disgrace, I’m disgusted.
HORSEFEATHERS!!!
September 3rd, 2008 at 10:59 pm
The cookies sound like Glen Dorsey dingleberries. What are you? Fucking Emeril?
September 3rd, 2008 at 11:37 pm
@ ThefutureMrsRickAnkiel:
You forgot to add:
“There’s a NFC South – is that like hockey”?
Atlanta “fans” won’t support the Falcons because they (the fans) think the Falcons “betrayed” Mike Vick. Or they think Vick got railroaded (ie is innocent).
You’ll never go broke underestimating the collective idiocy of this city.
September 4th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Durden is correct. You can’t imagine the nonsense that some of the alleged fans say when calling into the local talk show collective or posting on local sports blogs.
“Good luck selling the dome out without a black Quarterback”
“Ain’t nobody gonna by no Matt Ryan jersey”
“we will not come back until we feel our demographic is properly represented on the field”
It’s embarassing and causes eye gauging anger from those of us that buy season tix every year. BUT DON’T YOU BRING IT UP IN CASUAL CONVERSATION. That would be racist.
September 4th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
As a long time Bucs fan (yes more than one exists), has anyone noticed … how rapidly Gruden is expanding?
Is it just me? Was it just this offseason?
Is he vying for the Mike Holmgren award?