Introducing the Worst NFL Starter You’ve Probably Never Heard of
This is Brian Russell. He’s the starting free safety for the Seattle Seahawks. He is fucking terrible.
If you’d like to know why the Seahawks have four Pro Bowl starters on defense but still give up 30+ points to the Bills and 49ers, Brian Russell is your answer.
If you’re wondering how J.T. O’Sullivan can get sacked 8 times, but still throw for 321 yards with a touchdown and no interceptions: Brian Russell.
Did you see that Isaac Bruce, who is something like 47 years old, got 153 yards on only 4 catches? There’s a secret ingredient to that formula, and his name is Brian Russell.
How does he do it? How can one weak link in the defense fuck the team over so hard?
I asked John Morgan of the Seahawks blog Field Gulls to explain:
Russell played quarterback in high school, but wasn’t recruited by a single Division 1-A program. There are 119. In true white-man hustle fashion, he convinced San Diego State head coach Ted Tollner to give him a scholarship. Tollner is a typical pass-around coach that never fails to find a job because of a good attitude, little ambition, and rampant cronyism. From the start he and Russell were kindred spirits. Russell was given the starting quarterback job in his second season. His third season, he was converted to safety.
Russell wasn’t invited to the combine and wasn’t drafted, but white-man hustled his way onto the Vikings. Dennis Green wanted to cut him, but defensive coordinator Willie Shaw fought for Russell to make the practice squad.
That player, a former quarterback, not offered a scholarship at division 1-A and not drafted by the pros, turned 30 this February. The kid who never had the skill to play at this level, who made rosters as a Rudy and started strictly for soon-to-be-fired head coaches, has lost speed, quickness, agility, strength and endurance. It shows. In 20 games for Seattle, Brian Russell is either not seen, seen evading a running back, seen in passing as the camera pans towards a deep receiver, or seen delivering a late hit on a tackled opponent. He’s all mouth, no pigment; leadership and no ability. The rah-rah sycophant with tacit tenure that never played his way on the roster so literally can’t play his way off. In 2007, his average tackle against the run was 9.9 yards down field. He missed many more. Despite being a cover safety, Russell participated in only 6% of opponent’s pass plays and recorded only three pass defenses. But when you were signed for your leadership, chatter and hustle, trying harder but sucking more is stepping up your game.
In simpler terms:
- Stand twenty yards off the line of scrimmage.
- ???
- PROFIT.
You know how Reed Doughty is the only white guy on the Redskins’ defense, and how funny it is because he sucks? Brian Russell is the broke man’s Reed Doughty. To call him the Tarvaris Jackson of safeties would be a compliment.
In summation: you are fucking terrible, Brian Russell. Get fucked. Or at least give the team a couple reps at wide receiver.
Tags: Brian Fucking Russell, captain caveman, Homerism, paging Sean Taylor's killers, seattle seahawks
September 15th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Well said. I’d rather have Ken Hamlin back.
September 15th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Yes, but we have Horton now!
stay sick, Reed.
September 15th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Ugh…thanks for clearing this up. I thought they stopped letting white guys play defensive back after Jason Sehorn retired. Fuck this guy.
September 15th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
He may not be a great cover safety, but he was terrific in Memphis Belle.
September 15th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
He’s also available on 99% of IDP fantasy football leagues….I sense hot waiver wire pickup thank’s to this publicity.
September 15th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Brokeback Loser…
September 15th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Has he always played for the Seahawks? Or are they just always shitty?
September 15th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
“In simpler terms:
1. Stand twenty yards off the line of scrimmage.
2. ???
3. PROFIT.”
Hahaha, perfect
September 15th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
it’s nice to see white people finally catch a break.
September 15th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
I thought Seattle lost its team to Oklahoma City…
/your starting free safety… White Thunder!!!
September 15th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
The Chiefs are interested in making a trade for this guy… sounds like an intriguing QB prospect.
September 15th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
“all mouth, no pigment.”
Too bad he’s not a chick.
September 15th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
This is so extraordinarily prejudiced!
September 15th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
I sense a coaching job in his future!
September 15th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Fuck - I wish we played the Seahawks this year.
September 15th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
He could count timeouts for Crennel.
September 15th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
He’s not a punter?
September 15th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
what a fantastic southpark reference…..UNDERPANTS!
September 15th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Introducing your 2008 NFC Champions… THE ARIZONA CARDINALS!
September 15th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Jeez, I wish Reed had been out there yesterday.
/Horton’d
September 15th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
I remember when he was with the Vikings a few years ago. Somehow, he led (or almost) the league in interceptions. So, he’s got good hands. He can hit hard, or at least used to be able to. Unfortunately, he can’t tackle or defend the pass. He can do nothing well unless he gets really, really lucky.
September 15th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
So what is the worst record a team could finish with and still win their division? I’m too lazy to figure it out, but I’m pretty sure the answer will be found in the 2008 NFC West!
/thank god Matt Cassel and Patriots drew them for inter-conference play this year.
September 15th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
As a life-long Seachickens supporter, I endorse this message.
September 15th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
We have a guy like that in Philly, too: Sean Considine. Let’s just say he doesn’t evoke memories of Michael Zordich.
September 15th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
paging Sean Taylor’s killers
Wow.
September 15th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Kurt Warner’s wife > Jessica Simpson
September 15th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
that is who the NFC will be determined
September 15th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
This all begs the question, how did he tie the record for most consecutive games with an INT?
September 15th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
He looks like an actor playing the part of a football player.
September 15th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
To be fair, the entire secondary looked like an abortion yesterday
September 15th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
BDD, he looks like an actor in community theater auditioning for the part of Brian Piccolo, the later years.
September 15th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Yeah, I’d say they look like a Super Bowl team.
Nice preseason pick.
September 15th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
He should have taken the scholarship to Brown.
September 15th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
He had 9 INT’s one year!!!!!
September 15th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Dude looks like Matthew Modine. Of course he sucks.
September 15th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
He’s the Seahawks David Eckstein.
September 15th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
I’m still crying on the inside CC. You should feel better that you weren’t at the stadium yesterday… grown men crying, women in hysterics; the horrors I witnessed yesterday evening will scar me for life.
September 15th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Just become a Steelers fan, your life will be a lot better. Oh wait, is that whole Steelers winning the SB thing still a sore subject with Seahawks fans?
September 15th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
re: devin hester’s speech coach
Actually he’s the Seahawks’ Jose Vidro.
Russell! From now on your Delta Tau Chi name is “Turbo”
September 15th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Fuck the Seahawks and their whiney fans.
September 15th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
It’s about time the 12th man finally got a chance to show his stuff. Now get back into the stands where you belong.
It’s guys like this that give QBs like Eli a reason to live.
/Giants play Seattle this year.
//In Giants stadium.
///After the Giants bye week.
////And no one can cover Plaxico so far.
September 15th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Words just in, Logan Payne out for season and Seneca Wallace out for 3-4 weeks. That six, SIX, of the top receivers on the depth chart out.
Sweet. Fucking. Jesus.
/that was a dirty hit on Payne too
September 15th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
“So what is the worst record a team could finish with and still win their division?”
If they all lose all their out-of-division games and split their division games, I believe there’d be a tiebreaker between all four teams at 3-13 for the division crown.
/nerd
/but not the kind that’s good at math so I probably screwed up something obvious
September 15th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Much anger in you. Like your father…
September 15th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
I’m amazed that a team actually employs a dude who’s worse than Roy Williams…
September 15th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Ten losses from out-of-division games for all the four teams puts them on 0-10, and I think make it snow would be right with 3-13.
A/B - A, B
C/D - C, D
A/C - A, C
B/D - B, D
A/D - A, D
B/C - B, C
…yeah, 3-13. And it’d probably come down to something fagtacular like points scored as the decider.
September 15th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Jim Mora Jr. hasn’t ever been a good judge of talent. So not surprising in the least. White man hustle never fails.
September 15th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Adrian Peterson poured his hat out yesterday? Thanks Emmitt for that summification.
September 15th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Somewhere, Stuart Schweigert has started crying.
September 15th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
At least Russel can still sort of run. Corey Chavous is an invalid at this point. The Rams would be better off with a really fierce junkyard dog at SS. At least Rufus could trip a nigga or two up.
September 15th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
He fills the quota for white dudes in the NFL.
I agree with BDD: He DOES look like an actor playing a football player. I was gonna say he’s kinda hot, but the center part in the hair kinda ruins it for me.
September 15th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
Any Given Sunday 2: Dr. Powers’ Deep Cover
The duality of man. The Jungian thing, sir.
September 15th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
You are being a little unfair to Russell’s collegiate exploits. He actually started as a QB at Div I-AA Penn than transferred to San Diego State to compete for their starting job. As I remember, he started on and off for at least one season but then was beaten out as the starter before his senior season and moved to the defensive backfield. He was certainly athletic but obviously was very inexperienced back there. What was totally odd is that San Diego State has sent more than just a couple of defensive players to the NFL, yet at the same time, their defenses have always been terrible. Interesting the way that works out, right?
September 15th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
You’re a racist piece of shit, and so is John Morgan.
September 15th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Racist much?
September 15th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Brian?
September 15th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Matthew?
September 15th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Very funny and very true. From a life long Seahawks fan. This dude needs to be dumped.
September 15th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
I think you’re being too hard on him. He was great as Harvey Dent in “The Dark Knight”.
September 15th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
I thought the reason why the ‘Hawks secondary has sucked was the “we can’t have a DB over 5′9″” mentality that Ruskell has.
September 15th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
/looks at Seahawks roster
/sees only Josh Wilson is listed at 5′9″
/doesn’t believe it
make that “we can’t have a DB that plays like he is over 5′9″
September 15th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
seahawks def ranked top five in many fantasy draft list…garbage who would pick them up with a secondary like that
hey i also started a site and hope that you can give me some feedback if you have some time.
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September 15th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
This guy starts?! Hell I gave up on my dream early, I could at least have made the team
September 15th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
What the fuck are you doing out there WHITE BREAD? You slow, non-athletic wannabe pretty boy!!!
September 15th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
when they signed this fuckwad last season, i wanted to die. get fucked russell,
September 16th, 2008 at 1:26 am
Dude needs to drive his Fiero into Lake Washington
September 16th, 2008 at 3:03 am
I don’t know, the game I was watching featured Kelly Jennings getting repeat fucked on out and ups and slants and hitches and everything else he tries to cover. I mean Russell doesn’t do much, but the crap side corners aren’t doing anything. Thank god Trufant plays so well (with the exception of the one big one he gave up this week). Whatever, we’re only 0-2 and on our seventh string wideouts. Wake me when somebody else in our division does something.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:20 am
This post is totally racist.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Russell, Doughtery and Sean Considine hang out, snort cocaine and laugh about how many coaches they’ve fooled.
September 16th, 2008 at 11:08 am
/ needs more vinegar
Hi Capn!
September 16th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
everyone who says this post is racist has never encountered actual racism. Exactly what part is racist, are you saying it’s racist against white people or black people? Also stereotyping and racism are not synonymous. Ignorant Pricks.
September 16th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Corey Chavous is worse.
September 16th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
There’s always one who doesn’t get this being satire - or whatever the fuck you call it. Humor, maybe?
Get fucked E.
September 16th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
I understand that he sucks..but compare the amount of tackles brian dawkins has for the last 7 yrs (422) to Brian 402…now thats pretty close i believe..now Brian is def lacking in the INT catagory..oh wait..he has one more then dawkins over the alst 7 years..the only catagory that Dawkins dominates over Brian is Sacks..and PD…but for a white guy..Brian is half decent
September 16th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Dude, would one Hawks fan kill the pink elephant in the room? Our special teams are fucking horrible! It’s all Holmgren’s fault for not emphasizing it. They should’ve never brought him back. Julius Jones finally looked great though. You’re gonna need a bigger boat.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
John Lynch thinks this guy sucks.
September 16th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
He looks like John Lynch’s runt brother that didn’t get his brother’s talent but practiced with him everyday and got good enough to make it on to an NFL team because Seattle has no black people and they want players that represent the population.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-OwMiCy-tI
September 16th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
I thought he was pretty solid when he played for the Vikings, don’t really pay Seattle much attention nowadays, nobody on that team has real true fantasy value.
September 17th, 2008 at 2:56 am
IVSPORT you’re just fucking retarded. Seattle has no black people? Come to Seattle you’ll see enough black people. Just because this isn’t fucking Oakland or Atlanta doesn’t mean we don’t have our negros to.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
He looks like a wussier version of Keifer Sutherland.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Seattle has more than enough black people. They’ve got all the races covered in spades (no pun intended). I used to live in Scottsdale, talk about no black people or any other race for that matter (except Mexicans). I’m a Husky/Hawk fan and I can’t believe how long and horrendous this football season is gonna be following those teams.
November 9th, 2008 at 5:15 am
@ SamS
How DARE you compare B-Rus to B-Dawk. Brian Dawkins is a shoe in for the hall of fame, and will have his number retired in the first season the Iggles don’t have him. Both are luxuries that Russell will NEVER enjoy. Even the fact that you had the audacity, nay, the stupidity to compare the two is absurd. You figure that by the end of his career then, that Russell’s stats will essentially mirror those of Dawkins? Huh. I myself have a hard time picturing Brian Russell in the 12th year of his career, in 2014 (Dawkins has played from 96-08, so Russell goes from 02-14) still “plugging away” in a defensive secondary ANYWHERE, unless, well, since he’s basically a white-Brian Dawkins, the Eagles might start courting him as Weapon X’s eventual replacement. Regardless, the fact that you believe that Russell will at some point reach the Dawkins’ landmarks of 850+ total tackles, 650+ solo tackles, 20+ sacks, 30+ forced fumbles, 30+ ints and most importantly 150+ passes defended is remarkable. You sir, are ignorant.
November 9th, 2008 at 5:17 am
Haha, also, I was curious about this shit-bag, so naturally I decided to look him up on what is possibly the most reliable source on the internet. Wikipedia. If you didn’t think Wikipedia was full of shit yet, here is an excerpt from the article regarding Brian Russell:
Because of his excellent athleticism, Tollner moved Russell to free safety on the defense where he played alongside safety Will Demps
Holy. Fucking. Shit.