FUCK YOU, ED HOCHULI.

Fuck you, right in your well-toned ass.

That’s what I would say to you if God hadn’t blessed me with a 200th consecutive day of fabulous sunshine and gentle breezes!

You fuck. Cutler fumbled the fucking ball, and you know it. Normally, I would NEVER get over you screwing us like that. Lucky for you, my house has a pool bar and a private cabana with eucalyptus mist machine.

Ahhhh.

GOD DAMMIT, I AM SO POTENTIALLY ANGRY AT YOU. I nearly had to get up from my hammock, you dicksmoker.

I have been a Charger fan for a long goddamn time, Hochuli. And I have almost nearly possibly suffered through tons of heartbreaking losses. All I had to comfort myself after such calamities were gorgeous blue skies, consistent 73 degree temperatures, sandy white beaches stretching as far as the eye can see, authentic and affordable Mexican cuisine, and tons of large-breasted women parading around in various states of undress at all times of day.

BUT YOU REALLY UPSET ME FOR TEN SECONDS THERE, YOU BODYBUILDING COCKTASTER.

I could fucking kill you. I could jam my hand right into your chest and tear your heart out. But, luckily for you, there are some fucking KILLER waves out there right now.

I kind of hate you so much right now, Ed Hochuli. I’d really hate you if I weren’t sampling these delicious fish tacos right now, but god dammit, THEY TASTE SO FRESH.

You’re lucky, Ed Hochuli. You are SO lucky I don’t live in some shit town like Pittsburgh, or Cleveland, or Indianapolis. If I did, I would have REALLY gotten worked up over that call. I also would have been suffering from severe depression due to those places’ terrible weather patterns and economic hardships. You can’t go kiteboarding in ANY of those towns. Can you imagine how awful that would be?

I am so going to write you an angry letter, Ed Hochuli. At least, I would if I didn’t have a killer bonfire party to go to tonight. Dylan’s bringing stuff for mimosas. God dammit, it’s gonna be sweet. You gotta see some of the pussy that’s gonna come round. I am the luckiest asshole on Earth.

BUT THAT STILL DOESN’T EXCUSE YOU FROM BEING A DICK! I’M TOTALLY MAD! I REALLY AM! I JUST HAVE TO GO JOG WITH MY DOG AT SUNSET AND ENJOY ANOTHER MAGICAL DAY IN AMERICA’S NICEST TOWN, YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD.