God Explains Week 3 Of The NFL
Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 3 in the NFL happen as they did.
I am mysterious. No one knows why I do the things I do. And frankly, I like it that way. It keeps people on their toes. I don’t want people relaxing around Me. I mean, shit. I’m fucking GOD, you know? Gotta keep the people trembling before Me. Ever have someone tremble before you? God, what a rush. Or should I say, “Me, what a rush”!
Take the Raiders of Oakland and the Bengals of Cincinnati, for instance. Both of these teams are an abomination in My eyes, filled with unrepentant sinners and disgraceful doers of Lucifer’s work, although I find Chris Henry charming in his own rakish manner (like Me, Chris knows puberty=consent). I do not like these teams. They do not fear Me as much as I would like. That’s why I gave both of them a real good cockblockin’ this week.
You see how both teams seemed on the verge of pulling near monumental upsets, only to have those victories cruelly pulled out from underneath them? That was all Me. I did that. See, you Raiders and Bengals fans might pray to me at night, asking that your undying loyalty to either inept team be repaid with some sort of karmic correction on my part. You’ve suffered greatly through the past few years. Surely, I can throw you a bone, yes?
See, that’s just what I want you to think. That is why I allowed Carson Palmer to hit TJ Houshmandzadeh on that late TD pass. I really wanted you fans to think I was gonna come through this time.
Then BAM! I fucked you right in the ass. Trademark God move, right there. I like to bring you to precipice, give ya just a little taste, and then yank the rug out from underneath you. Works every time. You should have seen the looks on your faces. God, I’m good. Oops, there I go talking in the third person again!
That’s where I really tend to excel. I make you humans suffer through calamity after calamity. And then, just when you think you’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel, just when you think the heavy burden of your life will finally ease (what with all the war, and disease, and economic hardship), I give you a good, HARD reaming, like a Marine back for the weekend.
Why do I do it? Well, I could explain it to you. I could tell you My grand plan for everything, which may or may not involve rocket-powered skateboards. But it’s much more fun, frankly, to NOT tell you. To have you scurrying around trying to figure out the answer, like 6 billion little Scott Linehans. Me dammit, that is fun.
What else did I do this week? Oh, I miraculously healed Ronnie Brown’s knee. But, he hit South Beach after the game, so I think I’ll make that cartilage flare up again. I also made sure the Browns went 0-3. When Brady Quinn starts, I’ll see if I can make them go 0-542, because what he does in club bathrooms nauseates me. I made the Jaguars beat the Colts, because Greggy Easterbrook tells me the Colts don’t pray as forcefully as they used to. Oh, and I made New England lose. I’m sick of Bill Belichick trying to tempt my kid with bread and loose women.
Oh, did you not know he was Satan? You people are so naïve.
Thanks God! Stick around more divine analysis all year long!
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Love the “going to hell” tag. And can God not make the skies fly open??
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Does this mean Eli is going to be statutorily raped for the remainder of his life?
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:48 pm
“Trademark God move.” I knew it!
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:55 pm
The Vikings game also proves that God thinks we mortals aren’t ready for the concept of black quarterbacks yet.
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Did God talk to Drew through a burning buffet or a Judas Priest album played backwards?
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:56 pm
I made the Jaguars beat the Colts, because Greggy Easterbrook tells me the Colts don’t pray as forcefully as they used to.
Yes, because Silky Garrard is a goddamn saint. If God is down with Gregg Easterbrook, then I may consider becoming a pagan.
/still a little upset
September 23rd, 2008 at 3:14 pm
God damn, that Guy has a huge ego. He thinks it’s all about Him.
September 23rd, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Nothing gives me blue balls more than a Godly cockblockin’
September 23rd, 2008 at 3:22 pm
What a dick move.
September 23rd, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Dear God,
Why did you let Curt Schilling win not one, but TWO world series titles? Is this your idea of a joke?
September 23rd, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Q: Who is God’s all-time favorite cockblockin-bag?
A: Jeff George
/look for “the jeff george story” coming soon on the cartoon network
September 23rd, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Also, I made Rashied Davis drop that pass in overtime because he once played in the Arena Football League, which is an abomination in Mine eye.
September 23rd, 2008 at 3:49 pm
I give you a good, HARD reaming, like a Marine back for the weekend.
i’m assuming that means 3 minutes of reaming, 45 minutes of crying and explaining. not that i would know anything about that.
September 23rd, 2008 at 3:58 pm
And, I love the look in Brett Favre’s eyes when he realizes he really did sign with the JEST! Prideful little prick.
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Romeo Crennel is convinced it’s only week 2.
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:18 pm
God,
You must really hate Matt Millen to let the Lions get blown out by the 49ers. What did he do to deserve such punishment?
September 23rd, 2008 at 4:18 pm
@ The Gooch:
Schill won 3 (04 and 07 with the Sawx and in 01 Arizona) and he almost won back in 93 with the Filthies.
September 23rd, 2008 at 5:03 pm
If God is going to punish Backdoor Quinn for about 34 years, then what in His name did the Cubs do to deserve 100 years (and counting) of cockblockin’?
September 23rd, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Animal Mother, you know the answer: God said ‘let there be light’ but did the Cubbies listen? No, they refused to play under the lights until 1988. That calls for a good, century long smiting.
September 23rd, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Actually the Cubs had lights, and were going to be one of the first teams to use them, but they donated them to the war effort to aid in the smiting of them nazis.
September 23rd, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Not to editorialize, but the fact that kurt & kitna haven’t showed up yet boggles my simple mortal mind
September 23rd, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Is there a move so original that not even God can trademark it?
September 23rd, 2008 at 7:59 pm
@ Donald Igwebuike
yeah aided in smiting the nazis who were busy trying to smite those covetous jews who killed God’s son…
/channeling eric cartman
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Thanks for channeling my philosophy professor Otto Man. While we’re at it, can God create an object so heavy that even God can’t lift it?
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:33 pm
@Warthog
God already created Charlie Weis. And Romeo Crennel.
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Really? How does The Marmalard keep his job while Horseballs gets reacquainted with the bench? What the fuck kind of god would allow that? Is Horseballs not celibate enough? Huh? Huh? FUCK YOU! This aint no 3 Millimeter Laserfaced Peter were talking about, this is Alpo-quality horse meat rocking back and forth in the pocket. And sometimes, his huge sack slams testicles first into his cup, which really fucking hurts. If your gonna fuck up a poor fucker, make it Cristiano “Hooker Spit” Ronaldo. Don’t punish Horseballs for his (no pun intended) god given talent, thats like punishing your son for turning the Red Sea into the worlds largest glass of Merlot (get it? Huh? Huh? FUCK YOU!)
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:08 pm
Dear God,
Fuck you. All those times I did the sign of the cross after making field goals and you make me miss twice. Jeremy Shockey punched me in the face and it really hurts. He also told me to walk my red ass back to Mexico, even though I’m really from Argentina. Is this how you celebrate Hispanic Heritage Week?
Signed,
Martín Gramática, K, New Orleans Saints.
September 24th, 2008 at 12:15 am
How dare you God, mailing in this week’s column. I expect more from my free column.
September 24th, 2008 at 2:15 am
Prove you exist by making Scott Linehan the Raiders’ coach and then having Lane Kiffin torment Al Davis for all eternity as the coach of the Chiefs or just STFU.
September 24th, 2008 at 8:40 am
I’m pretty sure this is the real god.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:48 am
How can Ace be 1 and 11? What kind of God would allow that?
Also, since you mentioned him, FUCK GREGGGGGG EASTERBROOK.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Marmalard and God have an understanding
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6VFjy6lbBA