Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 3 in the NFL happen as they did.

I am mysterious. No one knows why I do the things I do. And frankly, I like it that way. It keeps people on their toes. I don’t want people relaxing around Me. I mean, shit. I’m fucking GOD, you know? Gotta keep the people trembling before Me. Ever have someone tremble before you? God, what a rush. Or should I say, “Me, what a rush”!

Take the Raiders of Oakland and the Bengals of Cincinnati, for instance. Both of these teams are an abomination in My eyes, filled with unrepentant sinners and disgraceful doers of Lucifer’s work, although I find Chris Henry charming in his own rakish manner (like Me, Chris knows puberty=consent). I do not like these teams. They do not fear Me as much as I would like. That’s why I gave both of them a real good cockblockin’ this week.

You see how both teams seemed on the verge of pulling near monumental upsets, only to have those victories cruelly pulled out from underneath them? That was all Me. I did that. See, you Raiders and Bengals fans might pray to me at night, asking that your undying loyalty to either inept team be repaid with some sort of karmic correction on my part. You’ve suffered greatly through the past few years. Surely, I can throw you a bone, yes?

See, that’s just what I want you to think. That is why I allowed Carson Palmer to hit TJ Houshmandzadeh on that late TD pass. I really wanted you fans to think I was gonna come through this time.

Then BAM! I fucked you right in the ass. Trademark God move, right there. I like to bring you to precipice, give ya just a little taste, and then yank the rug out from underneath you. Works every time. You should have seen the looks on your faces. God, I’m good. Oops, there I go talking in the third person again!

That’s where I really tend to excel. I make you humans suffer through calamity after calamity. And then, just when you think you’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel, just when you think the heavy burden of your life will finally ease (what with all the war, and disease, and economic hardship), I give you a good, HARD reaming, like a Marine back for the weekend.

Why do I do it? Well, I could explain it to you. I could tell you My grand plan for everything, which may or may not involve rocket-powered skateboards. But it’s much more fun, frankly, to NOT tell you. To have you scurrying around trying to figure out the answer, like 6 billion little Scott Linehans. Me dammit, that is fun.

What else did I do this week? Oh, I miraculously healed Ronnie Brown’s knee. But, he hit South Beach after the game, so I think I’ll make that cartilage flare up again. I also made sure the Browns went 0-3. When Brady Quinn starts, I’ll see if I can make them go 0-542, because what he does in club bathrooms nauseates me. I made the Jaguars beat the Colts, because Greggy Easterbrook tells me the Colts don’t pray as forcefully as they used to. Oh, and I made New England lose. I’m sick of Bill Belichick trying to tempt my kid with bread and loose women.

Oh, did you not know he was Satan? You people are so naïve.

Thanks God! Stick around more divine analysis all year long!