Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 2 in the NFL happen as they did.

I, God, allowed the Raiders of Oakland to conquer the Chiefs of Kansas City because Al Davis really wanted to fire that coach and I will do anything to get that guy upset. Why do you think I’ve allowed him to live this long? Do you know how much it hurts that guy to take a piss? My vengeance is all-powerful!

The noble Redskins of Washington were able to best the self-proclaimed “Saints” of New Sodom Orleans because thousands of Redskins fans killed themselves after last week. Sure it may not be such a loss to some of you down there, but it was like afterlife version of Art Monk and Darrell Green’s Hall of Fame induction up here.

Man, unlike Me, is fallible. This fact was exemplified on Sunday when referee Ed Hochuli’s subverted My will with an inadvertent blow of the whistle. This is not the first time I have had issues with this mortal. I made you in my image, Mr. Hochuli, do you now think you are better than me with your muscles of the damned? I banish thee to Hell! Not literally of course. I’ll just see to it that you are assigned to games in Baltimore for the rest of eternity!

The Seahawks of Seattle lost to the wicked gays of San Francisco, but this was My will. In fact, I will continue to cause loss after loss for the Seahawks in an effort to finally teach Mike Holmgren a lesson before he retires. Thou shalt not worship at the altar of another god, even if he is Bill Walsh.

I contemplated allowing the Falcons of Atlanta to win another game, if for no other reason than to confuse the crap out of you mortals. But then I went to one of those Home Depot places, and suddenly I’m not feeling so generous towards Arthur Blank. Good Me that place is frustrating. I’m all-seeing and all-knowing and I couldn’t find shit! All I wanted was one fucking shelf and I was there for eight hours! Mr. Blank, you know not the evil you have wrought on humanity.

Finally, the Colts of Indianapolis were able to get past the Vikings of Minnesota because that lumpy bag of cocks Drew Magary thinks he’s some kind of big deal. It was in everyone’s best interest to bring him down another notch. If he keeps acting this way I might have to make his family walk out on him. Hell, maybe I’ll make him my new Job.

That is all, be sure to tip your Angels and remember, let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

/chucks rock at Brady Quinn

Thanks, God!