God Explains Week 2
Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 2 in the NFL happen as they did.
I, God, allowed the Raiders of Oakland to conquer the Chiefs of Kansas City because Al Davis really wanted to fire that coach and I will do anything to get that guy upset. Why do you think I’ve allowed him to live this long? Do you know how much it hurts that guy to take a piss? My vengeance is all-powerful!
The noble Redskins of Washington were able to best the self-proclaimed “Saints” of New Sodom Orleans because thousands of Redskins fans killed themselves after last week. Sure it may not be such a loss to some of you down there, but it was like afterlife version of Art Monk and Darrell Green’s Hall of Fame induction up here.
Man, unlike Me, is fallible. This fact was exemplified on Sunday when referee Ed Hochuli’s subverted My will with an inadvertent blow of the whistle. This is not the first time I have had issues with this mortal. I made you in my image, Mr. Hochuli, do you now think you are better than me with your muscles of the damned? I banish thee to Hell! Not literally of course. I’ll just see to it that you are assigned to games in Baltimore for the rest of eternity!
The Seahawks of Seattle lost to the wicked gays of San Francisco, but this was My will. In fact, I will continue to cause loss after loss for the Seahawks in an effort to finally teach Mike Holmgren a lesson before he retires. Thou shalt not worship at the altar of another god, even if he is Bill Walsh.
I contemplated allowing the Falcons of Atlanta to win another game, if for no other reason than to confuse the crap out of you mortals. But then I went to one of those Home Depot places, and suddenly I’m not feeling so generous towards Arthur Blank. Good Me that place is frustrating. I’m all-seeing and all-knowing and I couldn’t find shit! All I wanted was one fucking shelf and I was there for eight hours! Mr. Blank, you know not the evil you have wrought on humanity.
Finally, the Colts of Indianapolis were able to get past the Vikings of Minnesota because that lumpy bag of cocks Drew Magary thinks he’s some kind of big deal. It was in everyone’s best interest to bring him down another notch. If he keeps acting this way I might have to make his family walk out on him. Hell, maybe I’ll make him my new Job.
That is all, be sure to tip your Angels and remember, let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
/chucks rock at Brady Quinn
Thanks, God!
Tags: god explains the NFL, going to hell, hugely offensive posts, Unsilent Majority
September 17th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Another week of me reading God explains, another week of me going to confession
September 17th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Of course there had to be a Brady Quinn reference…
September 17th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
My God, My God, why have you foresaken me. Why have you abandoned me & my offensive line. As I walk through the valley of the TransWorld Dome, I fear for my job for the team is no longer with me…….
Or maybe I just suck & am not even qualified to caosch a high school JV team
– Scott Linehan
/therapeutic rant
//feel a little better
///realize there’s still 14 games to go….despair sets back in
September 17th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Clearly, this week’s post was written by the vengeful Old Testament God of Moses and the Hebrites, rather than His all-loving and all-forgiving Son, OUR RIGHTFUL LORD AND SAVIOR.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I’m not all that up to date on religious teachings, but I thought suicide didn’t get you into heaven. Also, they’re Redskins fans. A double negative does not get one into heaven.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
and the Patriots of New England prevailed because the Apostle Matthew (Cassel) used to pal around with your son…right? Whatever it is keep up the good work.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
The New Testament is crap.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
/prays for God to heal Seahawks WRs
September 17th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
see I’m so flustered, I can’t even spell coach….just like Scotty
September 17th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
A little less lining your pockets with silver big G, and a little more smighting the wicked (and awful) in the TV booth on MNF.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Some people just don’t want to be saved… it’s so sad.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
I am FILLED with Christ’s love! You are just jealous of my success in the Lord.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Eli Eli lerna sabachthani’d the Rams Secondary?!?!
September 17th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Hey God, you spelled Gob Bluth’s name wrong.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
God has an east coast bias. It is sooooo obvious.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
any chance God could stop fucking with al davis and just end it already? have him play WR for the seahawks or something. anything. please.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
And the lord spake thusly: thou shalt run triple coverage on Terrell Owens, or thou shalt get thy ass handed to thee.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
@ FMRA
amen
September 17th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Rub a dub dub, thanks for the win, yay God.
/Not really religious
September 17th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Please keep this bit going all season!
September 17th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
If God exists, can he make a rock so big only Ed Hoculi can lift it?
September 17th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
What’s all this “god” and “confession” and “new testament” and “old testament” babble? I thought you people were smart enough not to read fairy tales.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Future Mrs – that would be “thine ass handed”
/divine retribution for Mandalgate
September 17th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
You misspelled “rock” at the bottom… it was suppsed to read: “/throws ‘cock’ at Brady Quinn”
Way to proofread, Maj.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
[pearly gates fly open]
September 17th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
“Good Me that place is frustrating”
Gold, pure gold.
And God, I like the idea of going all Job on BDD’s ass. It’s about time.
(Please keep this going all season)
September 17th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
God, I just want to show appreciation for you sparing the Houston Texans a beat down by sending a level three hurricane to destroy their stadium. Bazooka Joe and the boys will be there in a few months to deliver the holy beat down.
Also, thanks for making the Bengals the worst team in the NFL.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
@ The Gooch
God made a huge mistake.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
THEY CAN BE USED INTERCHANGEABLY
Yes, I hate being wrong. Yes, I Wiki’d it.
Kill me.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
God doesn’t like Buffalo Bills people.
seriously, never mentions them.
September 17th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Have you ever seen a better manifestation of purgatory than Buffalo?
September 17th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
I saw god at the Home Depot and he WAS pissed… you could totaly tell by the look on his divine face..
September 17th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
What about the Packers?
September 17th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
I’m all-seeing and all-knowing and I couldn’t find shit!
This is now officially my favorite KSK feature.
September 17th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
lets not forget that god also made the replay equipment malfunction in the first quarter of the chargers/broncos game which would have led to the call being overturned cause his fucking elbow was down (this fiasco led to the first of denver’s scores)….although, i suspect the home town stadium crew had more to do with it.
Hochuli sucks and Denver fucking cheats.
September 17th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Our Lord is speaking through Drew AGAIN? Oh fuck, does that mean there will be Drewish missionaries hanging around the All-You-Can-Eat Buffets trying to push “Men With Balls” on you?
September 17th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
“Good Me that place is frustrating. I’m all-seeing and all-knowing and I couldn’t find shit!”
your lips to your ears, Mr. God Sir. Fuck Home Despot.