God Explains Week 1
Many people scoff at the idea that God can control the outcome of sporting events, or that He even cares. But those people are wrong. God does control the games, AND He cares a great deal. Today, He explains why He let the outcomes of Week 1 in the NFL happen as they did.
I made the Eagles of Philadelphia destroy the Rams of St. Louis because the people of St. Louis are not righteous, worshipful people. They are ugly, and dumb, and they overeat far too much for My tastes. I see these people late night, sneaking out of bed and going to snack on the birthday cake they have hidden away in the closet. They disgust me. I made man in My own image, and these people are ruining that fucking image.
I allowed the Saints of New Orleans to get by the Buccaneers of Tampa Bay because it felt right the right thing to do. I also made Reggie Bush score a TD, because I knew if he had a good game, his girlfriend Kim would do her Godly, girlfriendly duties and ride him like a chariot. That’s the one advantage of being all-seeing and all-knowing: You can watch people fuck ALL THE TIME.
I injured Tom Brady’s knee because Tom Brady has not been humble before Me. He has been lying in bed with lascivious women of ill repute. He has imbibed wine. He has eschewed his duties to his church in favor of jetting around the world with his tight-bodied little Brazilian strumpet. And frankly, it’s starting to get on my fucking nerves. No one should be having more fun than me, dammit. I’m fucking GOD. That is not right. So I snapped his leg like a little twig. Felt great.
I made the Raiders of Oakland lose because Al Davis is a filthy Jew.
Also, I have abandoned Oakland as a whole. It knows what it did.
I injured Vince Young’s knee and made him go bonkers because Vince Young does not lead the kind of lifestyle I approve of. He dances shirtless. He does not praise Me for his good fortune. Worst of all, he does not pray to Me for guidance, and there is no greater sin. I’ve been watching this game for 100 years. I think I know quite a bit about footwork. But does this little shit ever ask Me what I think about his mechanics? Fuck that guy.
I allowed the Panthers of Carolina to pull out that miracle win against the Chargers of Saint Diego. And don’t tell me it wasn’t a miracle. It WAS a fucking miracle. I made it happen, okay? I would know.
I made the Redskins lose against the spread because I made a bet against them with Helen Keller. She still doesn’t know I’m God. I told her I’m Warren Zevon. Easy money. I wish they had kept the point spreads in the back of the Bible, like I had originally commanded.
I made the Bengals of Cincinnati lose to the Ravens of Baltimore because the Bengals are unrepentant sinners. They have stolen. They have lied. They have coveted and known the wives of others. Also, one time, I saw Carson Palmer sneak into a back alley and give this really shifty-looking guy a handjob. Real vigorous one, too. Pretty gross. Had to sneak a peek at Brady taking Gisele to Poundtown to help get that image out of My brain.
I also made the Vikings of Minnesota lose, just because I like to screw with people.
Thanks God! Stick around more divine analysis all year long!
Tags: atheists don't live in Foxwoods, Big Daddy Drew, god explains the NFL, going to hell, hugely offensive posts
September 9th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Can God explain the Colts horrific loss to the Bears. We all know bears are godless killing machines, shouldn’t he have then helped the Colts win.
/if the Colts don’t win there is no God
September 9th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
I made the Raiders of Oakland lose because Al Davis is a filthy Jew.
This guy is nothing like the God I learned about at hebrew school. I call bullshit!
September 9th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
This guy is nothing like the God I learned about at hebrew school.
You mean Satan?
September 9th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Dude, St. Louis has nothing on us in the fatness department.
/#1 fattest city in America
//eating a whole meatloaf for lunch
September 9th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
This is outstanding on so many levels.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
“…Helen Keller … still doesn’t know I’m God. I told her I’m Warren Zevon.”
I’m cleaing half-chewed carrots out of my keyboard at work. I think I pulled something laughing.
/Actually listening to Zevon cd
//Still misses Warren
September 9th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Seriously. We Philly-ites be FAT.
/accidentally chomps boyfriend’s size D left breast
September 9th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
God can’t even explain the Falcons this week.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
God needs to explain the Lions.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
@Jebus,
He still hasn’t forgiven them for what they did in Roman times.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
If God controls games then why have Saints fans suffered so much. Oh right. We live in New Orleans.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Always figured God was a Dolphins fan, although I’m not sure why. Maybe because he’s old, and old people like Florida.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
So, God, the Bills will win the Super Bowl, because the city will die if they don’t?
September 9th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
What about an explanation for Peyton losing? As I recall in an earlier post, he did endorsements for Satan.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Pfft, this is 100% a ripoff of Thomas Aquinas’ columns for the Vatican’s L’Osservatore, only with less swearing and gay sex.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
God loves biscuits, therefore God loves Jake Delhomme. This is a miracle? Clearly, God is smiting fish tacos. Which bring us back to Giselle what Tom must have done Sunday night.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
@Poop
I hate to break this to you, but Buffalo died a long time ago.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
^and what Tom must have done.
/banned, I know it.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Shouldn’t God be speaking to us through his designated emissary the Packers Pope?
September 9th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
i take it, then, that the savior visited his wrath on minnesota last night because they’ve presumed to call their star running back purple jesus?
bdd: if madison & jefferson didn’t have prose like this in mind when they wrote the first amendment, they shoulda.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
This is why I keep reading your damn site! Despite the lame boston stereotype that is not at all funny. This is brilliant.
“Also, I have abandoned Oakland as a whole. It knows what it did.” I nearly died, and all my friends in the Bay Area have some explaining to do.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I always figured God would speak to us through Gregg Easterbrook, not the Gay Mafia. Boy did I erect the wrong shrine.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Pip, those aren’t stereotypes, and you know it
September 9th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Mmm . . . sacrilicious.
btw, @ Westbrook: I thought Houston was the fattest city in America. Though I won’t dispute that we Philadelphians are awful heavy.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
God must love the Sex Cannon, to be dissin’ the Neckbeard this way.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
I’m guessing God picked up michael turner in his fantasy league
September 9th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
@ Argive
Maybe that was two years ago… I dunno, I know I haven’t lost any weight since then
@ Pip
Boo-hoo, go commiserate with Simmons. He seems to be having a nice pity-party for himself today. “Oh woe is me, my favorite sports teams have won a combined 6 Championships in the last seven years, but I feel like we’re left at the altar because of Brady. Boo hoo.”
September 9th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
She still doesn’t know I’m God. I told her I’m Warren Zevon.
+1,000,000 in sign language
September 9th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
If God is making all this coin betting on football, why am I forced to drop something into the plate every Sunday?
First LA, now Oakland? Sounds like God is making his way up the west coast. Seattle should be a bit nervous today.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
God, what is your position on Fantasy Football? And will Hines Ward continue to be blessed by Your Magnificence, or should I start Brandon Marshall when he gets back from his sinful suspension?
September 9th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Warren Zevon indeed.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
So God dictated his message to an illiterate wasteland-dweller (Big Daddy Drew). Does this make KSK the new Islam and BDD its prophet?
All-You-Can-Eat buffets everywhere will be suicide bombed. “KSK U Akbar!”
September 9th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
“First LA, now Oakland? Sounds like God is making his way up the west coast. Seattle should be a bit nervous today.”
it’s not like a plague of shit didn’t hit Candlestick on the (real) sabbath.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I’m pretty sure God doesn’t favor the Cowboys, though. C’mon–Cowboys? Brokeback Mountain? Hello? Chalk that one up to Him just staying the Hell out of Texas.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
In theology class they taught us that the fact that Joey Porter is alive proves God is dead.
True story.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
His son came back purple. And he saddled him with Tarvaris. This is not a just God.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Why did God let the Cardinals beat the 49ers? The Cardinals have no fans God. Is it because you are homophobic? You must know that the gays in SF reside in the Castro and don’t come near Candlestick Park.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
God’s explanation of Week 1 definitely smote Gregg Easterbrook’s Tuesday Morning Quarterback.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Is this where I go to pray? This bedside shit isn’t cutting it.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Is this where I go to pray now? This bedside shit isn’t cutting it.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
they-uh is no fackin’ Gawd. Gawd wouldn’t let things like this happen to my dreamboat!
September 9th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Whats worse is God has kept Helen Keller blind/deaf/dumb…thats cold…not cool God…not cool.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
God, don’t hate on Al Davis cause the Jews killed your son. Hate on Al davis cause, I dunno, he’s a cockhungry fucktaster.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Where’s that chick (or dude possibly?) who likes to show up and smite BDD every time there’s a God reference.
I thought for sure he/she would’ve made an appearance by now.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
God: And I allowed the Cowboys of Dallas to humiliate the Browns of Cleveland because…well…because those people have ruined great lakeside property to build that mistake they call a city. Oh yeah and the Cowboys created that hole in the roof of their stadium so I could get an unobstructed view of their Cheerleaders. SWEEEEEET!!!
/we’re all going to hell for this one
September 9th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
‘Atheists don’t live in Foxwoods’ is my new favorite tag.
September 9th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
When I read this, I was sure that Punter had to have written it. Not being the case, a new faaacking tag should be used:geez Drew, that’s just wrong.
September 9th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
No mention of Ray Lewis?
God’s gone soft on us.
September 9th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
“Gisele to Poundtown”
O M G! Brilliant!
/adds to fantasy team name list for next year.
September 9th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
@ Gino Tourettsa
I think that this would actually make KSK the new Mormonism. Multiple cheerleader wives for everyone*
*Everyone may not actually recieve multiple cheerleaders*
September 9th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Wait…God ISN’T Waren Zevon?
/now totally fucked in the afterlife
September 10th, 2008 at 2:16 am
Great post, I believe I speak for most of us when I say we hope to hear more from God this year….fuck anyone who is offended.
September 10th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
WHY DID YOU TAKE SEAN AWAY?? YOU OLD PIECE OF SHIT….I FUCKING HATE YOU
R.I.P 21
September 11th, 2008 at 6:07 am
I hate to repeat one but
Q: Why is there a hole in the roof of Texas Stadium?
A: So God can watch his favorite team play.
True story. Back in the Staubach / Landry days, Dallas got hit with a couple of 15 yard penalties and we’re looking at 3rd and 50 or so. Staubach calls time and trots to the sideline. He looks at TL who looks up, closes his eyes for a moment, looks back down, opens them and tells Roger the play.
As he’s buckling his chinstrap, Staubach says to Landry “I always wondered where you got your plays from”.
September 11th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Whjy oh why God, did you humiliate my beloved Browns? And does this mean we are really this bad or are the Cowboys really that good? Please help us crush Shittsburgh Sunday night