Gameday Open Thread of Hilarity
Antonio Cromartie reflects on the Matt Cassel touchdown dance.
I caught Burn After Reading on Friday. I’m duty-bound to catch anything by the Brothers Coen, and this didn’t disappoint. Brad Pitt further established that he’s always at his best when he’s playing a character who’s intentionally crazy or stupid. If you happened to have been dissuaded from seeing it because of the drubbing it received from fuckwit critics, you’d be well served to reconsider.
In other putative attempts at comedy over the weekend, Tina Fey, for whatever reason, got high marks for her eminently mediocre Sarah Palin impression on SNL, which was no better than the lesser send-ups you can find of the GOP VP candidate on YouTube. Michael Phelps, as anyone could have guessed, was a Bawlmer ‘bortion as host.
Feel free to add note anything from today’s games that strikes you as comedy of the uproarious sort. I’ll go out on a limb and say the entire Chiefs-Raiders game might qualify.
Some tangential observations after the jump.
What could possibly make me want to watch the Redskins-Saints game less? Brian Billick in the booth!
More Seinfeld-Bill Gates wackiness. Let’s hope they got another 15 of these in the can for every week of the NFL season.
I’m keeping the closest eye on the Vikes-Colts, where Pey-Pey has just been picked by Antoine Winfield, who sheds his rep of being the best tackling DB in the league in favor of actually making a good play in coverage.
Sunday Ticket Gamemix seems to be blacked out for me at least for the early games. I’ll just safely assume that’s Dan Snyder at work.
In case the Maj isn’t counting, that’s one more touchdown for Brandon Lloyd with the Bears than the Redskins. Of course, it isn’t a receiving TD.
I turned on the Raiders-Chiefs game for two seconds and JaMarcus ran into the tight end on a hand-off. Serves me right.
Saints driving and Shockey fumbles after getting a first down at the ‘Skins 30. Yeah, he’s got a lot left in the tank.
Pey-Pey’s already got the pissy bench face in Minny.
3:22 left in the first quarter, zero timeouts left for the Redskins. Just remember the retarded ‘Skins mantra: GIBBS STARTED 0-5! GIBBS STARTED 0-5!
Justin Tuck puts on a paw on Bulger’s helmet while being held and Marc collapses to the turf like a millstone.
Jared Allen gets his first sack as a Viking on Pey-Pey on 3rd down around midfield. And, if it weren’t for T-Jack being abysmal, this team would probably be up by a million points.
Elisha, looking for receivers other than Plax, overthrows an open Steve Smith by about 15 yards. Facing the rams, he should have another five or so chances to make that completion later on.
Tony Ugoh heads to the locker room a few minutes before half. With his O-line depleted, all Peyton has to worry about is Addai sputtering and Reggie Wayne making epic drops.
Greg Gumbel and Dan Dierdorf are quite the T-Jack apologists.
The Vikes show a flash of offense for the final 50 seconds of the half. Tarvaris hits a few passes and despite Bobby Wade obviously wanting to kill the clock, Ryan Longwell hits a 53-yarder to extend the Minny lead to 9-0.
And the Lions kick a field goal to close the Packers lead to 21-3 at half! If a grenade goes off in the Green Bay locker room, they might be in this one! (Of course, I have Aaron Rodgers on the bench this week. Fuck me upsidedownways.)
The Rams seem to be having some sort of tent revival at halftime to honor Georgia Frontiere. MARC BULGER, CAN YOU FEEL THE LAWD IN JUSTIN TUCK’S HAND ON YOUR FACEMASK!
I’m facing Drew in one of my three fantasy leagues this week and, of course, he has Purple Jesus, who thus far has 121 yards. Thank goodness the Vikings have yet to discover the uncharted waters of the endzone.
At least three times I’ve heard Billick say what the Saints should do on any given play, then say in an exasperated tone “Well, what do I know?” when they don’t. Fucking douchemaster general in the Douche administration. That’s what he’s made for.
Plaxico fumbles while the lying on the ground. The refs let it go and this’ll probably be overturned I imagine. He only prematurely spikes it when he wants to fumble.
Diefdorf said Tarvaris has “taken a drink of confidence” since the end of the first half, right before the Vikes fail to convert another 3rd down and attempt another field goal. Guess which kicker every fantasy owner will be fighting over this week?
And just as Lane Kiffin is getting the ax, the Raiders have taken a 13-0 lead!
And the goddamn zebras rumph me out of a much-needed Reggie Wayne TD. God, I’m getting vivisected this week.
The Redskins finally get in the endzone, then go for two, whereupon Campbell throws a dart into Jonathan Vilma’s chest. Zorn should probably blow another timeout to let him mull that one over.
I think each of these early games is averaging about two touchdowns per contest. Jeebus.
I wonder if the Lions will do like the U.S. women’s soccer team and memorize “we want a rematch” in Portuguese in time for their second game against Green Bay this year. It’d at least be a moment of levity for them.
I just tuned into the Jags and Bills for the first time a minute into the 4th quarter and I think I need to make up for lost time.
From Punter: “I am disowning the Bengals. I’m just waiting on some paperwork. This is bullshit.” Really? This is what did it for you?
Seriously, does Dierdorf want to be the Peter King to Tarvaris Jackson’s Brett Favre? I figured if he wanted the black cock, McNabb would’ve been the logical choice.
A rather insanely flukey TD catch by Torry Holt. And the Rams are still with a score in this game somehow. I smell unexplainable upset.
Trent Edwards showing…poise? QB Bills throws a bullet to fantasy scourge Lee Evans, but it looks like the subsequent go-ahead TD may be overturned.
Aaaaand, it’s upheld. And Silky Garrard responds by showing you why he’s a middle of the pack QB when he has to do anything himself.
Berrian trips over his own feet while Drew gets his homemade suicide kit out of the closet.
Glued to the Colts-Vikes ending, but it looks like KC finally got on the board. Good for them.
And Jacksonville is starting the season 0-2. Del Rio may shit a D’Brickashaw.
TARVARIS JACKSON TWO-MINUTE DRILL TIME!!!!
Jason Campbell hits a 66-yard bomb to Santana Moss to give the ‘Skins the lead with three minutes left. That’ll forestall the inevitable Colt Brennan start by a week or two.
And the Lions have come back? Jesus, this is quite a slate of deceptive games.
And the Vikings might want to work on their punt coverage. And the late hit was on… the return team? Zuuuuhhhhhh?
Did I mention I had Reggie Wayne on my team that is facing Drew? He might have had a few reason to hate that completion to set up the FG attempt.
NO DREW DON’T DO IT! SUICIDE IS FOR VINCE YOUNG!
/ouch
Tags: Add new tag, open thread, xmas ape
September 14th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Go Raiders!
September 14th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
“HAHAHAHHA YOU THINK IT’S A SCHWINN!”
September 14th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Giants/Rams could generate a few modest guffaws as well!
September 14th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Lets see, what are the early games here:
Titans vs. Bengals
and
Giants vs. Rams
Thank god for Sunday ticket, where I will be watching…
Raiders vs. Chiefs
Why did I waste my money
September 14th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Death to Fetushead! Long live the Purple Pussy Eaters!
September 14th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Any montage of Brett Favre “just being Brett” is bound to give you that “I don’t know if I should laugh or vomit” feeling.
September 14th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
ZORN HO! First down! More than last week? I wonder if he bought a new snoopy stop watch?
September 14th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
There is a street parade outside my apartment in Boston. Occasionally there are gunfire-esque sounds, which titillate me far more than the first five minutes of Giants/Rams.
September 14th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Brandon Lloyd with a … touchdown? No, wait, this copy must be wrong.
September 14th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Kansas City is rolling with three QBs today, all likely to play in the game and we’ve already seen two of them.
I hope Herm never gets fired.
September 14th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
HolymShit! Did Brandon Lloyd just facking score?
September 14th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
DSB: Blocked punt, recovered by Lloyd, in for six.
September 14th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Sure it’s not some kind of special effects? are you smoking or shooting anything?
September 14th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
You mean besides the black tar? Nah, that’s it.
September 14th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Sorry Devine, I’m stuck with Giants/Rams game and I’m finding it kind of hard to stay awake.
September 14th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
DS’sB, I saw the Marshall touchdown too, and I’ve yet to fire up the first blunt of the day.
*reads previous sentance*
Y’all excuse me for a few……
September 14th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Blocked punt for a TD? Fuck me. *cracks open beer*
September 14th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
I’m worried about people starting to call Aaron Rodgers “A-Rod” if he continues to do well … is there some sort of fund we can donate to that would prevent this from happening?
September 14th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Damn..wish I had some crack…that might make this interesting. wait the g-men scored…damn i must have dozed off.
September 14th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Steven Jackson just tackled himself and saved a TD.
September 14th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Yeah — 30-some-odd yard play action pass to Plax. It looked really nice, but was actually completely based on the horrendousness of O.J. Atogwe.
September 14th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
A-Rod…geez that just hurts my head. does this mean we can look forward to papparazi snapshots of a Green Bay QB sneaking out of Scores? wait didn’t Scores have a plane crash into it or something recently?
September 14th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Safeties: Stop trying to tackle Giants RBs head-up — you’ll get flattened. Corey Chavous, meet Derrick Ward.
September 14th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Football free comment:
SNL blows and the fact that they did not use Phelps in a re-creation fo the legendary Land-Shark bit was a crime against comedy.
Football comment:
Dear god if you told me that I had to trade tom brady’s knee for the colts to start 0-2, I would have seriously considered it. I would only have said yes if the deal were sweetened to Colts finishing under .500 in Dungy’s last season.
/masshole
September 14th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
And that’s all three KC QBs getting action today.
September 14th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Pip: Last night was tough … Kristen Wiig is growing on me, even if she is just an evolutionary Cheri Oteri, and the “featuring” kid from the bro rape video has potential. But mostly, Phelps was abysmal, and while I respect Enrico’s opinion, I thought Kenan Thompson’s Barkley was horrendous. Only funny part of that sketch was the “werewolf-like fear of silver” line.
September 14th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Dude, Reggie Wayne is dropping go routes, Addai looks subhuman, Ugoh’s hurt and Purple Jesus was on pace for 300 yards at the end of one. End of an era?
September 14th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Wow…this is a great duel betn the kickers is it not. could be interesting if they just let them meet in the middle of the field and fight it out via some good ole fashion gladiatorial combat. Brown can have a double bladed battle axe and what the hell we’ll let carney have a light saber..he might be able to hold it up. I got $100 on Brown any takers?
September 14th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Peyton appears to have mastered a new form of Manning-Face, this one called Manning Suicidal.
September 14th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Ingle Martin and Tyler Thigpen are equivelant to Earl Barron and Scot Pollard starting in the middle
September 14th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Maybe the Chefs could convince Billy Kilmer to come out of retirement.
September 14th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Geez louise…someone needs to tell the giants D-Line that if they just blow on Bulger he’ll go down for a sack. You know it’s kind of hard to see through the smoke in front of my TV but can someone tell me if the Rams aren’t just putting a mannequin or propping up a corpse bend center or something?
September 14th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
If I was playing defense against the Vikes I’d have 6 linemen, 3 linebackers and 2 dbacks. Ooooh down goes fetushead, down goes fetushead.
September 14th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Good thing Strahan and Osi are out/retired…the G-men would probably have a hundred frigging sacks by now.
September 14th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Maybe the Chiefs could convince Gannon to come out of the broadcast booth. Or maybe the Raiders could do the same.
September 14th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Left-hand throw from Eli … I thought he had retard strength.
September 14th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
T-Jacks such a pussy…like he could have totally pulled a Knowshown there!
http://ballhype.com/video/knowshon_moreno_goes_airborne/
September 14th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
I love that he called it the Colts’ “dressing room” instead of “locker room.” just gives the impression that they’re a bunch of divas that spent halftime having hissy fits. so…more accurate, I guess is what I’m trying to say.
September 14th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
When Tarvaris throws, I hear the kid outfielder from that Adam Sandler CD … “TAKE IT! JUST TAKE IT, ALL RIGHT?”
September 14th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
what the fuck is that boss vs ksk shit in the youtube recommedations?
September 14th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Raiders defense is looking pretty awesome, which means (with the AFC West Exchange Rate) they’re primed to merely suck rather than suck horribly.
September 14th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Marc Bulger is NOT happy. He doesn’t understand why Lysol stabbed his dad.
September 14th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
The QB’s in the Raiders Chiefs game are a collective 7 for 27, thats all I have
September 14th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Has someone secretly replaced Larry Johnson with Shawn Alexander? Because this coffee sucks
September 14th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Is it just me, or is MarHar not the weirdest man in the NFL?
September 14th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
TDub: Almost certainly the weirdest gunman, and probably the weirdest witness-intimidator.
September 14th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Addai would be raping my fantasy team, but I started A. Rodg and Greg Jennings…
September 14th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Are the Vikings D and Special Teams outscoring Purple Jesus today?
September 14th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Let’s all thank TimmyJimmy for going with “A. Rodg,” huh?
September 14th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
TDub, what you think a receiver who sits alone on the bench, who may or may not have been involved in a very shady shooting incident that is being covered-up from on high is weird? I think just he’s Verbal Kint.
September 14th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Alright McFadden! Superbowl here we come!
September 14th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
@Slothrop
Maybe it’s the moustache.
September 14th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Let me makes this very clear to Joe Buck, in case he has suddenly grown a sense of humor and is reading this site: Just because the Giants started off shitty last year does not — I repeat, IT DOES NOT — mean that the Rams are now putting the pieces together for a Super Bowl run themselves. No Joe; St. Louis really IS this shitty, okay?
September 14th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Tarv is good at holding the ball
September 14th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Al Saunders has the site for his new bed and breakfast picked out, and he is PSYCHED. Just one more year, baby!
September 14th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
We’re getting a lot of Manning face today from Pey Pey
September 14th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
And there’s the old school Manning Face–”I overthrew my receiver, but it’s somebody else’s fault. You: Right Tackle guy, You SUCK. And Adam V. you are D-U-N. Stupid kicker.”
September 14th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Hurrican Ike is apperently centered over Cinci. Some fun there. Long snaps are problematic. Just blocked a Bungals punt in the endzone.
September 14th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
What Tarv really needs is a 8 or 9 foot receiver. That guy “might” have a chance at some of those balls he’s throwing.
Just asking, but what’s Jeff George doing these days?
September 14th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Am I crazy, or is Kyle Orton, like, not absolutely terrible?
Ahhh, and there’s the Manning Face again. I love football.
September 14th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
I can see why Drew loses his shit — Purple Jesus has 150 yards on the ground, it’s 3rd-and-5, and Chester Taylor comes in. Really? I used to think Brad Childress was a shaman; I now think he’s a dipshit.
September 14th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Pey Pey just had the – it’s the recivers fault I had that ball intercepted face on.
September 14th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
So Bill Leavy is the head ref in the Giants game, so it occurs to me that I want nothing more right now than to be in the Ed Jones Dome with a sniper rifle….
September 14th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Trent Edwards bulleted to himself? Damn, he is talented.
September 14th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Tavaris and Childress — You are ruining my viewing experience!
September 14th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
It was very Brad Johnson-like, Mr. Snrub
/dick
September 14th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Looks like the packers are trying to give away this game, but Kitna’s not having it. He’s a good Christian.
September 14th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Justin Tuck may be meast of the week.
September 14th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Am I crazy, or is Kyle Orton, like, not absolutely terrible?
I’m feeling something strange regarding Neckbeard…I think it’s… yeah. Hope.
Brady is out, Peyton is reaching towards “suicidal” on the Manning Face level, and Kyle Orton is doing pretty well. What kind of bizarro-alternate-NFL did we enter last week?
September 14th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Hmm, Colts comeback victory?
September 14th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
@TimmyJimmy: I’m sure Minnesota is scouting
Tacopants right now.
September 14th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
@ Ape
I remember that Brad Johnson throw. And give me a break, I’m a Vikes fan.
/getting blackout
September 14th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
So when is the bounty going to start for TJac and/or Childress?
September 14th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
This Lions comeback is a million times less satisfying without Favraro there, looking depressed and throwing ill-advised interceptions.
However, Favre’s residual douchiness still blankets this team like a down comforter, so fuck the Packers.
September 14th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Anyone remember the last time the Giants hung 40? Was it against the Vikes in the 2001 NFC Championship Game?
September 14th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Golly Gee Wilikers Kitna, thanks for that pick!!
September 14th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
I like Screaming Coach Dungy better than Calm Coach Dungy. More fun.
September 14th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
And the Bill’s are 2-0!
September 14th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Vikings down!
September 14th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
I can’t decide if Colts@Vikings was comedy or tragedy. The Vikings are Drew’s favorite team? Oh, then it was comedy.
September 14th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Kitna to Woodson part deux!! and it’s a pick six.
Maybe Kitna won’t have to tithe this week’s pay to his church, what with how much giving he did these last few minutes.
September 14th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
I fucking hate my life.
But more importantly, I hate Brad Childress’ life.
September 14th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
KC, Minnesota, St. Louis, Cincy … are they now in the Big 10 or do they just play like it?
September 14th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Hey Vikings – SUCK IT.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
September 14th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Kitna, again?
2 pick sixes for Kitna in the last 4 minutes
September 14th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
“What’s that? Jon Kitna looks like he might complete a pass? I can’t possibly let this happen!”
I love Charles Woodson. Two interceptions, loads of sacks and I can piss all over the berk I’m against this year.
September 14th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Good heavens, Phil Simms in HD is unholy.
September 14th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Farve vs. the Pats. Gah. It’s choosing between AIDS and cancer.
September 14th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
New post up
September 14th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
@ Tracer
The only difference being that you can actually be put out of your misery by AIDS or cancer…
September 14th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Linehan is clearly losing his mind. He might go Bud Dwyer if this keeps up.
September 14th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
I’m 20 minutes away from the Metrodome and will start taking bids on Childress’ head.
Do I hear 20 Dollars?
September 14th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
You know what’s sad? Kyle Orton isn’t even, like, the 10th worst QB I’ve seen in my 20 years as a Bears fan.
Still, there are 200+ college QB’s throughout the country that could routinely complete some of the passes he misfired on today. 6-yard slant pattern? 12-yard out to the sidelines? Every throw is an adventure on Planet Orton!
/sigh
September 14th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
has anyone else noticed how a lot Favre’s passes seem to float a la a certain Charger, maybe he’s back on the pain pills…
September 14th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
did Ted Bruschi just say Fucking Fag on national television? Classy guy
September 14th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
Check out the balls on Mikey Shanahan.
September 14th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Well, I like a consistent team and the Rams have been consistently sucky. Lets all give’em a polite golf clap shall we. (Put’s bong down! clap clap clap.)
September 14th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
to be fair to them though they were in the game for 3 super sucky ass quarters though!
September 14th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
This is definitly some kind of bizarro nfl week…the Raiders and the Redskins won?!? that’s bizarro Phil Simms your seeing Slothrop!
September 14th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
The Pats are 2-0 with “Moose” Cassell at the helm, the Chargers are 0-2 off fluke last second losses, and the Colts have looked like the wheels are completely off the bus, and they’re just flying downhill.
And these are your pre-season AFC favorites. At this point, we could easily see Denver, Tennessee, and Buffalo win these divisions, and no one would be surprised. Pittsburgh is the only fave that doesn’t look awful, and we still have to see if that O-line can protect Big Ben’s spleen. HARF HARF HARF.
On a related note, no more MarHar jokes. He looks like he’s ready to kill someone.
September 14th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
hundred
September 14th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
+1 – Monkey Business – *no more MarHar jokes. He looks like he’s ready to kill someone*
Bwah hahahaha
September 14th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
Definitly Bizarro NFL week…c’mon Arizona 2-0? That hasn’t happened ever…has it? Raider win and Kiffin’s going to get fired? Well that does sound kind of normal. Brandon Lloyd scored a fucking TD? Wait I know! Terrorist have spiked the country’s water supply with LSD.
September 14th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
I feel like I’m high. This week is just weird.
September 14th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
As I was fucking around just now I saw that Postsecret has a postcard with a picture of the Brady hit labeled “I wished it to happen” and I found my self simultaneously agreeing with it and wondering which one of us sent it in.
September 14th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Nevermind, found the one I wrote the first time, stupid pot, lack of sleep and humidity.
November 15th, 2008 at 2:46 am
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i’m looking for the script who shows google adsense on flash.
how can i get it?
November 27th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
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