FINALLY
09.24.08
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, you stupid, incompetent, boneheaded, pathetic, inept, foolish, idiotic, retarded, braindead, arrogant, reckless, oblivious, shitheaded lump of a man.
You Lions fans may want to go to the hospital and fill out a mental rape kit, so police will have trace evidence of just what Mr. Millen did to you.
And Millen, if you go anywhere near a broadcast booth after this, I think I speak for the people of Detroit when I say you better make sure that booth has been fireproofed. Folks from that town are quite adept at burning shit.
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Kill DA (who’s snorted away his future). Kill Romeo. Kill Savage.
That only leaves Brady Quinn…. eh.
I hereby nominate this git be targeted for termination…wait for it…Phil ” I wouldn’t know a good free agent if he stuck his penis in my vagina” Savage. You with me Browns fans? We get Phil, who could have gotten a 1st and 3rd round pick for the DA experience. We roll RAC the fuck outta Cleveland on the back of a pickup truck. We trick Derek into going to Oregon for the We Love The Browns in the Pacific Northwest Freak-a-Thon then seal off that border. We tell Kamerion Wembley…either you play inside linebacker or go play with the alligators roaming free in Texas…we ship Corey Williams back to Wisconsin in a vat of cheese…and vow to NEVER draft another Corey again. We threaten to trade Braylon to the Lions. My plan is brilliant in its soundness.
This lifelong suffering Lions fan (I popped out of my coma a few times to revel in the glory that was Barry) hopes to God (Tiger Woods) that the Lions find first somebody to ADVISE them on the search for a new President and/or GM. So that, you know, they pick maybe someone who doesn’t have a knack for stealing a senile billionaire’s money ’cause he tells funny football stories over highballs at the club.
But I’m not bitter, just haven’t had my Lions(TM) Xanax.
Chris Mortensen reports that sources say Chris Mortensen tops the list of candidates to be the Next G. M.
Millen looks like he’s ready to go all coitus on us in that photo.
I know that justice has been done and that I should be happy, but as a Bears fan I’m kind of disappointed by the fact that the Lions, theoretically, might be contenders in the next several years.
So NOW who’s the worst GM in football?
Baseball has the Pirates (16 STRAIGHT sub-.500 seasons), basketball has the aforementioned Isiah, hockey?
Does this mean the rest of the NFC North can’t count on two free wins anymore?
/College WRs everywhere mourn.
As a chiefs fan, I would like to suggest that the lions hire Carl Peterson as thier new GM.
Is it just me or is Matt-E starting to look like Grandpa Jones from Hee-Haw?
Is Lee Iacocca still alive?
To Celebrate, how about a Motown playlist?
Only happy songs, of course.
Dancing in the Street- Martha Reeves and the Vandellas
My Girl- The Temptations
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough- Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell
(Love Is Like A) Heat Wave- Martha Reeves and the Vandellas
Baby Love- The Supremes
I Can’t Help Myself (Sugar Pie Honey Bunch)- The Four Tops
You Can’t Hurry Love- The Supremes
For Once In My Life- Stevie Wonder
Get Ready- Rare Earth
Fingertips Part II- Stevie Wonder
Reach Out (I’ll Be There)- The Four Tops
I Just Want To Celebrate- Rare Earth
I Want You Back- Jackson 5 (More for its upbeat awesomeness than its actual lyrical intent)
Millen’s Playlist:
I Heard It Through The Grapevine- Marvin Gaye
Ain’t Too Proud To Beg- The Temptations
The Tears Of A Clown- Smokey Robinson and the Miracles
Don’t Mess With Bill (Ford Jr.)- The Marvelettes
What’s Goin’ On?- Marvin Gaye
Hire BILL COWHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is great news for Detroit fans! Not only did Millen get fired but the Tigers are going to the playoffs too! Oh wait….
The Fords’ short list for Matt Millen’s successor:
Monkey with bingo tumbler
Inanimate carbon rod
The guy who designed the Ford Pinto
Gorilla with a computer and pet cat
Jon Kitna: Player/GM
This just in: HC Ford asks congress for a Lions bailout.
This just in: Millen hired by GM to run the company. (Further into the ground).
This is the perfect opportunity for Al Davis to hire Millen (a former Raider!) to act as a hired thug for their PR department to physically confront all of the scary Asian reporters on the Raider beat who ask relevant questions about the franchise.
Memo to Redskin fans:
You always complain that Danny needs to hire a GM. Well, be careful what you wish for! New Redskins GM, Matt Millen.
doc holliday said:”This has been the longest “How the fuck does he/she still have a job?” quandary since that fat bitch Natalie did 8 seasons on “The Facts of Life.”
Uh, because they’re both white?
/ducks
Seriously, mob money laundering has to be involved somehow, right, RIGHT?…including Natalie.
PoFlaWa up in dis hizzy!!!
This is terrible news. I’d much rather have him there in Detroit ruining the Lions than on TV ruining my afternoon. Is there any possibility we could package Millen and Olbermann as a broadcast team and send them to do Russian hockey for like, ever. Actually Millen isn’t even Detroit’s worst exec… Need I remind Detroit fans that Dumars passed up a dynasty when he passed on melo for Darko. What? Basketball? Sue me…
Kimbo, I’d also run up a multiple-million dollar debt for my hometown, obstruct a state investigation, make stuff up about the Bridge to Nowhere, hide from the media, and claim I’m going to see Jesus in my lifetime. But that’s just me.
On the downside, the unemployment rate in Michigan has gone up another percentage point due to the sudden collapse fo the ‘FIRE MILLEN’ merchandise industry.
And as the other downside, William Clay Ford now has it in his head to rehire Wayne Fontes.
Overcompensated, wildly incompetent, extremely saavy at explaining failure in a positive light. I just might be the Matt Millen of my company.
You’d charge for rape kits if you could see Russia from your house too, asshole.
no jokes on this one. hopefully things get better for lions fans, if there are any left.
You Lions fans may want to go to the hospital and fill out a mental rape kit
A note to any Lions fans in Wasilla: they might try and charge you for that rape kit.
so who’s next, Rams GM?
I really think this requires an explanation from God… the people of Detroit must have dug up a bunch of saints pissed on them and buried them upside down for all this pain.
So what finally did it?
No playoff appearances?
Was it the 31 total wins since 2001?
Was it the hirings and firing of THREE head coaches?
Was it constantly drafting overhyped, overrated bust wideouts with the first pick every year?
Was it giving up 30+ points per game this season? Starting 0-3 this year?
Was it the walkouts?
The Millen Man March?
The fans, media and son of the fucking owner telling you to dump this lifeless asshole?
This is the greatest moment in my life as a Lions fan. Sure, it was fun seeing Barry break out a highlight, but that happened frequently. As far as individual moments go, the “Millen Fired!!!” email I saw this morning is tops.
@Cedric Benson’s AA Sponsor
I think any Lions fan would kill for Angelo. At least we’d have a defense for once.
Good for Lions fans. They deserve this (at the very least).
So glad I took Isaiah in my suicide pool.
About GD time, Mr. Ford. Now go suck on a twelve guage and we’ll really be rolling.
I’m having a beer at lunch.
@ CR
What bitterness issues?
So who do we loathe the most now? I feel all empty inside now.
Now if the domino effect could juuuuust topple over to McHale, everything would be golden.
Does this mean the Lions will be good from now on? I think not. It’s hard to get rid of the culture of losing.
Trust me.
and the lions hire…Isiah Thomas
So who’s going to make the case for drafting a white WR from Nebraska next season?
“That guy’s speed will turn this franchise around I tell ya!”
Mortensen is on SportsCenter right now saying that he thought Millen had finally found the right guy when he hired Marinelli. Yo Mort, Millen wouldn’t know true talent if it sat on his face and squirmed.
Hey.. Leave Natalie out of this.
/secret crush circa 1985
I offically declare the greatest day in the history of times!
@BeckyMI
DOn’t bend over to pick up the soap, they might just lay the buttpipe to you again.
I want to be clever and funny, but I feel like I’ve just been released from 8 years in my stalker’s basement. It’s just relief and exhaustion and need to shower this whole thing off me.
I hear the Lions are really high on Michael Crabtree, WR Texas Tech in this year’s draft…
Seriously DEE-Twah…congratz on ridding yourself if this dumbass
One down, one to go: Jerry Angelo you better watch your back
and the lions hire…lou holtz
I’m sure Ford is rushing a GM contract to half empty bucket of piss right now. sorry, as a lions fan i still have some bitterness issues.
I can’t wait to see the incompetent fuck Ford hires next!
This has been the longest “How the fuck does he/she still have a job?” quandary since that fat bitch Natalie did 8 seasons on “The Facts of Life.”
This is just the move that franchise needed. I expect big things from the Ford famZZZZzzzzz….
And in the ultimate “fuck you” to fans, the Lions sign Tony Kornheiser to replace Millen.
This just in: Elgin Baylor has hired Matt Millen as a personnel consultant.
As a Vikes fan, I truely will miss Matt Millen. You will always have a special place in my heart. Rip off a piece of your blunt and pour out some of yo 40, a true G died today.
ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reports that FoxSports’ Jay Glazier reports that Matt Millen is going to take an analsyst job with ESPN.