Fictional Cheerleader Biography - Mary Louise
Mary Louise was born Thomas Arthur Cunningham on July 10, 1961. Tom was sick of life as a man, and so he ordered doctors to cut his dick off, all the while popping hormone pills to kill what masculinity Tom had in him. Changing genders is expensive these days, and Tom had to hold up a couple liquor stores to help pony up the cash for it all.
The one thing that Tom’s pills couldn’t kill was her love for football. And when that boy from Peoria, Illinois legally became Mary Louise McGillicutty, she went out for the Chicago Bears cheerleadin’ squad. The team only took 22 girls that year, and when the tryouts were over, Mary Louise finished 23rd. She was devistated.
But there was no way that Mary Louise was going to let any other girl steal her sunshine. Why, that just wasn’t way Ol’ Tom had raised his boy. So she set out in the dead of night, armed with nothing but one of them fancy handbags and a piano wire. They say it takes the desperation of a kook, or a crazy person to take a life, but not Mary Louise. She knew just what she was doing, and all the while, she had her eyes on the prize.
So next mornin’ come and Mary Louise gets a phone call that she made the team after all, and she was elated. The girl had finally realized his dreams of being an honest-to-God cheerleader. But it wasn’t long before the other girls started diggin’ into the past of ol’ Mary Louise, and the night before the first game of the year, those other ladies met in their little dance studio and pushed Ol’ Tom’s boy in a corner.
Well, she didn’t take too kindly to that.
In fact, Mary Louise had a suspicion that the girls might be onto her. That’s why she chained up all the exits in that little studio before climbing out a little hole in the rooftop. And as 21 of the prettiest angry women you ever saw tried to follow her up, Mary Louise poured down a li’l bucket of somethin’ for them to drink.
Gasoline.
Now, you know s’well as I do that it don’t make no sense to set fire to a buildin’ you happen to be standin’ on top of, but ol’ Mary Louise didn’t pay it no mind. She pulled out an old Zippo her daddy had given to him when she was just a boy. She flicked her open and that sucker lit on the first try.
And down the hole it went.
I figure that girl gave her knee a good sprainin’ as she jumped down onto the roof of her El Camino, but that didn’t slow Ol’ Tom’s boy down one bit. She jumped into that car and drove off into the night, never to be heard from again.
And that’s why the Bears don’t have cheerleaders no more.
Tags: fictional cheerleader bios, MMP, she's a MAN BABY, there's one more post coming so shut yer holes
September 19th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Mary Louise was born Thomas Arthur Cunningham on July 10, 1981.
Awfully precocious behavior for a four-year-old.
September 19th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Ah, it’s been fixed. I withdraw my previous snark.
September 19th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Did you watch Carrie last night, Punter? Yikes.
September 19th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
there’s a lot of hair in that picture, probably on more places than their heads.
September 19th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
I’m Old Gregg!
September 19th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Anyone else hear Morgan Freeman telling this story?
September 19th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
I hear the cowboy’s voice from the Big Lebowski.
September 19th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Waylon Jennings FTW
September 19th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
i second the waylon jennings
September 19th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Censorship sucks MMP.
September 19th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Nope. It’s one of the Chicago cops from The Fugitive. You didn’t think a story about my beloved Bears could be told in anything less than the comfortably flat tones of a South-side accent, did you?
September 19th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
cheerleaders + coke = Super Bowl wins
no cheerleaders + coke = no Super Bowl wins since 1985 (and a sore wrist)
September 19th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Censorship sucks MMP.
Try saying something funny instead of just bitching, and you won’t have any problems.
September 19th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
vince young is also tired of life as a man
September 19th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
“The girl had finally realized his dreams of being an honest-to-God cheerleader.” - Pure Gold!
September 19th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Ahh the 80s…back when hot stewardesses and hot nurses still existed along with cheerleaders. Now…not so much. They’re all older and fugly and the Bears don’t even have cheerleaders.
September 19th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Funny. Couldn’t work in a ‘Plays in Peoria’ joke there?
September 19th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Devastated*
September 19th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
I hear Jim Belushi voice narrating this…..like the story from the beginning of “About Last Night” (AKA “Sexual Perversity in Chicago)”)
When does he go “BOOOM!”.??…..You know those firemen make out like bandits
Red Dog 1 to Red Dog squadron…..
Doesn’t the Zippo get whipped out of a WWII flack jacket??
WAS SHE A PRO??……………………………………AT THIS POINT, WE DON’T KNOW
/semi-ashamed I remember this shit
September 19th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
So did she light the Zippo by snapping her fingers on the wheel or what? Did she do it with PIZZAZZ??
September 19th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
I like to imagine him driving the countryside in that ol’ el camino, and everytime he lights up a cig with a new zippo, he just cracks a smile.
September 26th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
It’s ironic that you oiks would do a bit like this about the Bears cheerleaders, considering how there was a huge scandal back in the late 1970’s over the Bears cheerleader who was fired after she was found to have posed for Playboy before becoming a Bears cheerleader. After being fired she posed for Playboy again, this time in a pictorial in which she stripped out of her Bears cheerleader outfit.