EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY — The Bounty on Tony Kornheiser’s Car is Set at $75
It has nothing to do with his unfunny and not particularly offensive remark about Hispanics last night. What it does have to do with is the fact that Tony Kornheiser has reached near-Theismann levels of putrescence in the MNF booth. Whereas his colleague Mike Tirico has developed into a pretty good commentator in the last two years, Kornheiser has gotten, if anything, more schmaltzy and adulatory of superstar players. And, worst of all, less funny.
Readers may wonder why we’re offering the bounty on his car and not he himself, especially after a “stalker” already made off with a car recently from his garage in D.C. (Only a stalker could find the keys he left lying next to the vehicle, of course). Well, Tony’s an old guy and any harm we would visit on his person may soon be inflicted by the ravages of age anyway. Besides, there’s a much easier way to keep him out of the booth: exploit his well-known fear of flying! That’s right. All you need to do is make off with Tony’s car and MNF will see a significant reduction of self-serious opening soliloquies and Favre references.
That said, I have no personal animus toward Tony. I’ve never met him despite the fact that we worked for the same massive blogger-terminating paper for three years. He did mispronounce my name on his radio show once though (rest assured, sending that fussy letter to him wasn’t my idea).
So if there are any more Bernard Pollards out there (though I suppose for this mission Niko Bellic may be more suitable) you stand to reap the reward of $75, no inconsiderable amount in these lean economic times. With it, you could buy:
- Three hardcover John Feinstein books!
- American Idol: The Best and Worst of Seasons 1-4 on DVD!
- An actual old radio for Old Guy Radio!
- A guy who can poorly mimic a British accent!
- Something Jewy!
- Three crab-filled entrees at Rehoboth Beach restaurant of your choice!
Your options are only limited by your imagination. That and obvious economic factors. We realize that with his considerable wealth, he could always get another car should this mission succeed. Then again, we never said this was a one-time offer. So get on it!
pic courtesy Midwesterner’s Guide to Living in New York
Tags: bounties, FUCK YOU TK, it's satire people, xmas ape
September 16th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
…Tony Kornheiser has reached near-Theismann levels of putrescence …
NOW wait just a peachlicking minute.
At least Theezman brought analysis to the table. He had perspective, and insight, and yes, that was laced with douchebaggery at times. But on his worst day, Joe was NEVER as worthless as Tony K. Never.
Kornheiser cannot go soon enough.
September 16th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
What are those flames shooting out of TK’s head? I didn’t see Bad MS Paint so I’m assuming they really are coming out of his head.
September 16th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
“Where’s my damn money? The liquor store won’t take printouts from your website!!!”
-Pollard
September 16th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
@Warthog: That is a real picture. His head was right in front of a pyrotechnics display as the Cowboys ran out of the tunnel.
September 16th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
I was watching the game, and I didn’t even notice this. Anybody who’s offended by this needs to grow a pair.
On a side note, am I the only one who likes Tony Kornheiser?
September 16th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
needs FUCK YOU TK tag, immediately.
September 16th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Say what you will about Kornheiser, but the man is determined. He didn’t let a good game get in the way of his constant random references of: Favre, Jessica Simpson, Jerry “YEE HAW I’M FUCKING CRAZY” Jones, how the season relies on whatever game a team is playing next/currently playing, misuse of the word ironic, and apologizing for comments that didn’t cross anybody’s mind after he said it 2 hours ago
September 16th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
I am another who applauded the move away from Theismann to TK and now rue the decision. You wouldn’t think you could make a Monday night game where the ‘Boys triumph even worse, but TK does it. There is absolutely no flow to his “talking points,” and he ruins Jaws’ in depth explanation of his hours of film study of the National Football League.
Of course, having seen parts of “Monday Night, Game II, Death March” on opening week, I am sure we are only months away from ESPN introducing Mike^4… & TK for “Mike n’ Mike PTI and the Coach” - your Monday night from the depths of Hades.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Maybe ESPN can replace him with the equally unfunny George Lopez to appease the offended.
Also, as a proud son of Delmarva, I believe the correct spelling is “Rehoboth.”
September 16th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
THANK YOU KSK for pointing out how awful Kornheiser is on MNF.
My ideal MNF booth: Gus Johnson, Charles Barkley, Jim Rome.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
If it wasn’t for shitting a brick over nothing, most American adults would get no exercise at all.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
turrible, just turrible
Out.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
i don’t want a “specimen” $20, i wanna real one. practice your counterfeiting on your own time.
and, am i the only one who heard Kornheiser make the dumb ass, perhaps more racist remark re: [insert first name of Cowboy player] Jones being able to take Jerry Jones’ hand-me-down clothes without having to cut out the labels saying “made for Mr. Jones.” ?! did the so-called apology come before or after that?
September 16th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
His car sleeps with the fishes tonight!
September 16th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Shouldn’t we think about updating the money already. I mean, what did Jackson do but kill a whole bunch of Cherokee and Creek. Nothing to be proud of really. I say replace him with Eisenhower. Smoker, drinker, golfer, Nazi killer. What more do you want on a double sawbuck?
Also, Kornheiser should just quit already. He knows he’s terrible, what’s the point? Jaws and Tirico would do better without him.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
This is hard to write. I’m a big TK fan, and loved the old radio show. But he is awful and cringe-inducing on MNF. He must go.
September 17th, 2008 at 2:19 am
Kornheiser was misquoted. He just translated the Spanish ESPN broadcast clip about Felix Jones’ runback for a TD and was making fun of himself. There was no need to apologize. No offense taken by this here Latino. But he’s still a tiresome goofball in the booth.
September 17th, 2008 at 4:01 am
I happened to guest host PTI Tuesday evening, and Wilbon mentioned that TK was “flying to LA”. Yes, flying. It appears that the fear of flying was a hoax to make him more like John Madden (as if the constant Brett Favre mentions weren’t enough). So, you may want to reconsider the bounty on his car…especially because he takes the MNF bus everywhere, when he’s not busy actually flying…
September 17th, 2008 at 5:10 am
Just a tip: like most elderly males that shouldn’t be driving, particularly the wealthy jewish kind, TK probably drives a huge ass Cadillac, or if he were of more modest means, a huge ass Mercury Grand Marquis.
September 17th, 2008 at 6:41 am
TK is a total fagtard and his yet to be named combover is what is driving his dumb ass remarks and commentary. Lose the combover and the billy ray cyrus hair in the back dude!
September 17th, 2008 at 8:26 am
@Mid - Thanks. I was hoping that was a new feature on MNF “What coming out of TK’s head.”
September 17th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Damn. Make that what’s. Bad enough to have a lame post, but to have a typo makes it worse.
/Off to the bar for breakfast.
September 17th, 2008 at 8:29 am
My fellow Americans, I have a dream. I dream of a land where Tony Kornheiser, Skip Bayless, and Eminem are strapped to the outside of a rocket and blasted into space. I dream of a land where the live video feed of their exploding eyeballs in on pay per view. A land where wiggers walking down the street with their caps on sideways and five pounds of gold chains are herded into the launch facility directly underneath the blast engines.
My friends, we can make this a newer, better, stronger America. And it starts with no-talent turdburgling ass-monkeys like Tony Kornheiser exposed to hard vacuum.
Together, we can make it happen!
September 17th, 2008 at 9:16 am
…and somewhere Dennis Miller thanks God for Tony Kornheiser.
September 17th, 2008 at 9:16 am
So what do I get if I just fucking kill him?
September 17th, 2008 at 9:32 am
BadLiberal, I’m intrigued by your views and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
September 17th, 2008 at 9:40 am
So fulfills the prophecy that Kornheiser could consume the English with fireballs from his ears, and bolts of lightning from his arse…
September 17th, 2008 at 10:13 am
1) Please, please PLEASE replace Tony Kornholer with Cris Collinsworth.
2) What’s Kornholer doing in Ra-homo beach?
September 17th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Collinsworth? Are you fucking kidding?
September 17th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
he’s still better than dennis miller.
replace TK with a rotation of fly women. that will fix everything.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
TK is the worst announcer to ever be on MNF. He’s so terrible that I miss the days of Dennis Miller and Boomer Esiason.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Got a four step solution here….
1. Let TK move into Madden’s horse trailer and broadcast Sunday night games. Madden also hates flying, so they’d be perfect roomies.
2. Get car from Deathproof and run horse trailer off road.
3. Hire Charles Barkley to replace Kornheiser on MNF.
4. Bring back Dennis Miller to drive Al Michaels insane.
September 17th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
How about just firing Kornheiser and having Tirico and Jaws do the broadcast? I think I’m Jaws could get away with it, he would personally give TK a Colombian necktie.
September 17th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Not that I like Kornheiser, but how was that comment offensive? A Mexican telling someone else to pick up his dry cleaning is offensive? Huh?
September 17th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Dennis Miller was actually better than Kornheiser, which is truly saying something.
I want to hear other people’s ideas for ideal MNF booths…
September 18th, 2008 at 6:36 am
I like Collingsworth because he lets everyone in on his life as a nonstop alcoholic. I would never, never, have any understanding of what that must be like.
/trying to remember where I hid the bottle of vodka from myself
November 27th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
I’d pay somebody 75 cents to slit kornheiser’s throat.