Dear Matt Ryan
Dear Matt Ryan,
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit damn.
Fuck me up the ass.
I AM STONED.
Matt Ryan, I wanted to write to you on the inside of this toilet paper roll to tell you something important. And that is that… FUCK I’M HIGH!
No, wait. That ain’t it. I’m here to tell you that, no matter what you do, no matter how well you play, the people of Atlanta will never love you. Ever. Not the way they love me.
Know why? Because you’re a fucking cracker.
Also, you don’t fight dogs. EVERYONE in Atlanta fights dogs. People who don’t fight dogs are probably gay. So you should know that. That is, like, culture and shit. You ain’t country. You ain’t ever been country. So you can suck the sweet tea right outta my dong.
I bet you own a computer. You’re a fucking nerd.
You can’t do what I do. Just remember that. I am Atlanta’s first love. The people there will never accept a QB who stands tall in the pocket, makes sound decisions, and throws a catchable ball. Know why? Because quarterbacks who stand tall in the pocket are little white bitches.
In conclusion, fuck you.
Also, I am high.
Send Weed,
Ookie
Photo courtesy of The Onion
September 4th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Yes.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
reading this was a great way for me to end the day at work.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
what exactly do italics do to the spoken word?
In writing, they add emphasis, but when saying “little white bitches,” I’m just not sure what it does. Probably makes it more urban sounding.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
@TDub: Probably makes it more cultural sounding. Fixed.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
I am punch drunk and laugh uncontrollably at everything at this point. I think you are shaving days off the end of my life.
Wait … ‘laughter is the best medicine’?
/IMMORTAL
Thanks Gay Mafia!
September 4th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Goddamn Drew, you’re on a roll today.
10 KSK posts today and a Jamboroo? NFL opening day kicks ass.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
I wish I lived in the south so I could use the “you can suck that sweet tea outta my dong” line ad nauseum.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
And we got liveblogging tonight baby! THE PARTY NEVER STOPS!
Well, after the liveblog it will.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Seeing Vick has inspired me to get really stoned tonight for the NFL kickoff.
/was going to get really stoned anyway regardless of whether I saw Vick
September 4th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
So we’re all nerds then I guess.
/pushes glasses up nose and pulls up pants…
September 4th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
just when I think the day can’t get any better, Ookie rolls in.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Which prison gang has Vick joined? According to “Oz”, there are the black Muslims, black gangsters, Italians, Irish, Bikers, Latinos, Nazis, Christians, gays and “others”. I’m thinking he’ll be in the “others”; rolling around in a wheel chair dispensing wisdom to whomever is listening. Wait, scratch the “wisdom” part.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Well done! Is this one funnier than it is true, or truer than it is funny?
I want to see Matt Ryan have a decent couple of years and then have Vick attempt a comeback. That would comedy goldmine.
September 4th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Why’s he writing on the toilet paper roll? You can make a bong out of that!
September 4th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Uh, my employer just got about one hour of work outta me today. Leaving to drink to excess, then call in sick tomorrow!
It’s the NFL baybee!
September 4th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
so you think he gets all effed up of Jankem? You know when he can’t get his cheeba
September 4th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Today has been truly EPIC. You guys are the best. Now go get shitfaced so you can get yer livebloggin’ on!!!!
WHOOO HOOOOO!!!! NFL STARTS TONIGHT BABYIEEEEE. GEEMS, GEEMS AND MORE GEEMS!!!!
/spent
September 4th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Best day ever. Thanks guys.
/no homo
September 4th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
today is a sad day for us on the west coast. not that sad, but the fucking game will be half over by the time i get home.
September 4th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
@ TDub:
I think it means that he’s saying it with a derisive sneer on his face.
September 4th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Chad Ocho Cinco needs to calls MV for advice on how to deal with the pressures of living with Marv.
September 5th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Good one BDD. I always love the Ookie posts