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Dear Matt Ryan


Dear Matt Ryan,

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit damn.

Fuck me up the ass.

I AM STONED.

Matt Ryan, I wanted to write to you on the inside of this toilet paper roll to tell you something important. And that is that… FUCK I’M HIGH!

No, wait. That ain’t it. I’m here to tell you that, no matter what you do, no matter how well you play, the people of Atlanta will never love you. Ever. Not the way they love me.

Know why? Because you’re a fucking cracker.

Also, you don’t fight dogs. EVERYONE in Atlanta fights dogs. People who don’t fight dogs are probably gay. So you should know that. That is, like, culture and shit. You ain’t country. You ain’t ever been country. So you can suck the sweet tea right outta my dong.

I bet you own a computer. You’re a fucking nerd.

You can’t do what I do. Just remember that. I am Atlanta’s first love. The people there will never accept a QB who stands tall in the pocket, makes sound decisions, and throws a catchable ball. Know why? Because quarterbacks who stand tall in the pocket are little white bitches.

In conclusion, fuck you.

Also, I am high.

Send Weed,
Ookie

Photo courtesy of The Onion

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This entry was posted on Thursday, September 4th, 2008 at 4:09 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

22 Responses to “Dear Matt Ryan”

  1. Craig341 Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 4:13 pm

    Yes.

  2. Upstate Underdog Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 4:14 pm

    reading this was a great way for me to end the day at work.

  3. TDub Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 4:16 pm

    what exactly do italics do to the spoken word?

    In writing, they add emphasis, but when saying “little white bitches,” I’m just not sure what it does. Probably makes it more urban sounding.

  4. Rocco Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 4:17 pm

    @TDub: Probably makes it more cultural sounding. Fixed.

  5. Spanky Datass Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 4:18 pm

    I am punch drunk and laugh uncontrollably at everything at this point. I think you are shaving days off the end of my life.
    Wait … ‘laughter is the best medicine’?
    /IMMORTAL

    Thanks Gay Mafia!

  6. Head Bee Guy Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 4:19 pm

    Goddamn Drew, you’re on a roll today.

    10 KSK posts today and a Jamboroo? NFL opening day kicks ass.

  7. dick_gozinia Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 4:23 pm

    I wish I lived in the south so I could use the “you can suck that sweet tea outta my dong” line ad nauseum.

  8. StuScottBooyahs Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 4:23 pm

    And we got liveblogging tonight baby! THE PARTY NEVER STOPS!

    Well, after the liveblog it will.

  9. devin hester's speech coach Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 4:24 pm

    Seeing Vick has inspired me to get really stoned tonight for the NFL kickoff.

    /was going to get really stoned anyway regardless of whether I saw Vick

  10. Your Wife's Lipstick Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 4:26 pm

    So we’re all nerds then I guess.

    /pushes glasses up nose and pulls up pants…

  11. throwbot Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 4:32 pm

    just when I think the day can’t get any better, Ookie rolls in.

  12. Gino Tourettsa Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 4:33 pm

    Which prison gang has Vick joined? According to “Oz”, there are the black Muslims, black gangsters, Italians, Irish, Bikers, Latinos, Nazis, Christians, gays and “others”. I’m thinking he’ll be in the “others”; rolling around in a wheel chair dispensing wisdom to whomever is listening. Wait, scratch the “wisdom” part.

  13. Pip Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 4:37 pm

    Well done! Is this one funnier than it is true, or truer than it is funny?

    I want to see Matt Ryan have a decent couple of years and then have Vick attempt a comeback. That would comedy goldmine.

  14. SMK Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 4:52 pm

    Why’s he writing on the toilet paper roll? You can make a bong out of that!

  15. OzoneRanger Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 4:53 pm

    Uh, my employer just got about one hour of work outta me today. Leaving to drink to excess, then call in sick tomorrow!

    It’s the NFL baybee!

  16. Kyle Orton's out of work mach3 Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 4:57 pm

    so you think he gets all effed up of Jankem? You know when he can’t get his cheeba

  17. jackin'4beats Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 5:10 pm

    Today has been truly EPIC. You guys are the best. Now go get shitfaced so you can get yer livebloggin’ on!!!!

    WHOOO HOOOOO!!!! NFL STARTS TONIGHT BABYIEEEEE. GEEMS, GEEMS AND MORE GEEMS!!!!

    /spent

  18. nick Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 5:47 pm

    Best day ever. Thanks guys.

    /no homo

  19. ognihs Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 6:08 pm

    today is a sad day for us on the west coast. not that sad, but the fucking game will be half over by the time i get home.

  20. Maudes_Mustache Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 6:34 pm

    @ TDub:

    I think it means that he’s saying it with a derisive sneer on his face.

  21. Spatula Says:
    September 4th, 2008 at 9:39 pm

    Chad Ocho Cinco needs to calls MV for advice on how to deal with the pressures of living with Marv.

  22. TDizzle Says:
    September 5th, 2008 at 9:35 am

    Good one BDD. I always love the Ookie posts

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