COMMISHUNAH GOODELL, YOU MUST SUSPEND THE FACKING SEASON!
Dee-ah Rawjah Fackin’ Goddell,
It is my-ah understanding that you have nawt suspended the remaindah of games on the 2008 NFL schedule. WHAT THAH FACK AHH YOU WAITING FAR, YOU REDHEADED FACK?!
The events of last Sunday have cast dahhhhk cloud on the entiah NFL. It’s a very dahk cloud: dahkkah than the dahhkest dahhkie that has evah rawbbed a lickah stare! AND THAT’S PRETTY FACKING DAHK!
(cranks POD album)
I cannot see how you can allow league play to continue in light of this incredible facking tragedy. We, the legendary Baston fans, ahhh suffaring! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, YOU NEW YARK FAGGOT?! This is the warst tragedy of ow-uh times. It’s fahhh warse than that 9/11 shit. Sure-ah, those camelfackahs killed lawts of people, but they also took out a shitload of faggot Yankee fans, AND NO TEARS NEED TO BE SHED OVAH THAT!
(puts entire tin of Kodiak in top lip and entire tin of Skoal in bottom lip)
This terrible injury that has befallen the great Tawmmy Brady is the worst thing that has ever happened in ow-uh lifetimes, BECAUSE IT HAPPENED TO BASTON FANS! WE DIDN’T DESERVE TO HAVE THIS HAPPEN TO US! WE AHHH THE GREATEST FANS IN THE FACKING WORLD, AND WE DESERVE BOTH YOUR-AH ADMIRATION AND YOUR-AH PITY!
(does a 2×20 set of bicep curls on barstool))
That is why, far thah good of us Baston fans, and they-ahfor-ah, far thah good of thah whole warld, you must suspend the rest of this NFL season. The league clearly cannot function if the Pats ahh nawt they-ah fackin’ dawminant selves! CAN’T YOU FACKIN’ SEE THAT! No TRUE football fan would evah want that to happen! You must suspend the games, and play next season with these commemorative patches on every facking jersey!
Your-ah league cannot go on without Tawm Brady! ESPN said so! That’s like the NBA trying to go on without LARRY FACKING BIRD! And look how that turned out! No basketbawl fan wants to see some carnrowed dahkie jungle up the game!
(puts on Bird jersey with no undershirt)
And what kinda facking team would accept thah facking Lombahhhdi Trophy if they did nawt beat the Pats to win it? THAT WOULD NAWT BE A LEGITIMATE CHAMPIONSHIP! IT SHOULD HAVE A FACKIN’ ASTERISK! ASTERISK! ASTERISK!
WE ALL KNOW THAH FACKIN’ PATS WOULD HAVE DAWMINATED THIS YEE-AH IF BRADY HAD STAYED HEALTHY! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Do you really wawnt ot have a league way-uh a team othah than the Pats wins a title? I THINK NAWT! THAT WOULDN’T BE RIGHT!
(spits on immigrant)
If you play these games, you ahhh showing us Baston fans great disrespect! We’ll nevah get ovah it! I may have to punch at least a dozen South Americans just to feel bettah!!! How could you live with yarself, YOU FACK!
Tommy Sr.: Tawmmy!
Dad?
Tommy Sr.: Thah fack ahh you doin’?
I’m writing a fackin’ lettah!
Tommy Sr.: What ahh you, a fackin’ faggot? “Ooh look at me! I write fackin’ lattahs I’m like Nat fackin’ Hahhhhtharn!” Get me a fackin’ scawtch and join yar 12 brothahs and 13 sistahs with me at thah bah, yah little quee-ah!!
Okay, Dad! Yar the best Dad evah! Remember when we used to go to Pats games when I was a kid? OW-UH YOUTH WAS BETTAH THAN ANYONE ELSE’S YOUTH!
Tommy Sr.: You fackin’ hated the Pats when you were-ah a kid. Fack you, yah little faggot. I wish your whore-ah of a mothah had used a gawddman diaphragm. YOU KIDS AHH USING MY DRINKING MONEY! GET FACKED!
Yeah? Well FACK YOU OLD MAN! I’m my own fackin’ man now! I gawt three jawb applications out they-ah! LOTTA IRONS IN THE FAIH!!!!
Tommy Sr.: Leave me alone, you little facking shit. I WISH I NEVER HAD TO LEAVE MY GAWDDAMN LOBSTAH BOAT.
Gawd, yah gawtta love my Dad, don’t yah, Commish?! Anyway, stawp playing these facking games. No one wants to see a Bradyless NFL. Besides, THE FACKIN’ SAWX COULD STILL WIN THE EAST! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK!
Fack you and your-ahs,
Tommy
Photoshop by 289.
UPDATE: Look who threw a big pity party today.
Tags: AHAHAHAHAHA, Big Daddy Drew, KNEEGATE, still no hope for the vikings, Tommy from Quinzee
September 9th, 2008 at 11:06 am
+1 for Tawmmy Sr.
September 9th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Nice pearls, faggot.
September 9th, 2008 at 11:10 am
I believe you accidentally spelled “asterisk” correctly.
September 9th, 2008 at 11:12 am
*looks left
*looks right
FUCK YOU SIMMONS!
September 9th, 2008 at 11:12 am
I’m like Nat fackin’ Hahhhhtharn!
dying
September 9th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Did Tommy just write Tommy Sr.’s conversation into the letter, too?
September 9th, 2008 at 11:20 am
God bless tommy AND his old man…
September 9th, 2008 at 11:22 am
If the NFL Network follows ESPN’s path of creating fictional TV series, they really should look no further than “Lettahs fram a Quinzee Jail”
September 9th, 2008 at 11:23 am
I’m surprised ol’ tah-mee didn’t have an stroke when TB’s tendons were shredded. There is only one thing I agree with Tommy on. Fack the Yankees. In the ear. With a Freightliner.
September 9th, 2008 at 11:26 am
I thinking that Tommy kisses his Pat Patriot tattoo on his bicep after he’s done doing those 2 x 20 bicep curls.
September 9th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Credit for the patch, that is funny.
September 9th, 2008 at 11:29 am
I thought Tommy was in jail for starting a fight on the JetBlue plane….
September 9th, 2008 at 11:35 am
I gawt three jawb applications out they-ah
1) Caahdfish cahhnnery
2) Lobstah boat greenharn
3) Busboy at Lahng Jarhn Silvaahs
September 9th, 2008 at 11:37 am
What, no /door flies open to introduce a new character? I thought that was KSK policy.
September 9th, 2008 at 11:38 am
@j4b: Good job closing the italics tag. GAAHHH
September 9th, 2008 at 11:48 am
fixed it for you, j4b
September 9th, 2008 at 11:48 am
In hindsight, it would have been fun to go to Bunker Hill Community College, even if I only would have been with Tommy for a semester
September 9th, 2008 at 11:54 am
next up: tawmmy moves to LA and becomes a clippers fan… nevermind.
September 9th, 2008 at 11:59 am
“my-ah understanding” - nope
suspended = sahspended
what are you “waiting FAR”? that’s an irish accent. you are looking for “waitin’ FAH”
lickah stare = lickah stah! “stare” is, again, irish. also would have accepted “packie”
instead of POD, you should go with Street Dogs or Murphy’s. this isn’t 2002.
NEW YARK FAGGOT = NEW YAHK FAGGOT
warst tragedy = wahst tragedy
TEARS = tea-ahs
YOUR-AH ADMIRATION AND YOUR-AH PITY! - no one says it like that. the entire paragraph, however, is 100% true.
whole warld = whole wahld
Your-ah = yowah
“carnrowed” is irish. you want “cahnrowed”. and the Celtics are the World Champions.
1/2 game back - Lester is a fucking stud, Beckett, Lowell, and Youk are back
September 9th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
So supermike is actually Tommy from Quinzee?? Nice.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
“And what kinda facking team would accept thah facking Lombahhhdi Trophy if they did nawt beat the Pats to win it? THAT WOULD NAWT BE A LEGITIMATE CHAMPIONSHIP!”
Thereby making the Patriot fans petition to reverse the Super Bowl results bogus and the Giants Championship is legitimate in the eyes of New England fans.
As JFK would say, “Er ah, go fack yourself ya bunch of quee-ahs!”
September 9th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
supermike= go-ah FACK yowahself.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
and really - all the immigrants in the Quincy area are Vietnamese. you should go with that.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
This is going to sound crazy, but I used to hate the Yankees like everyone else, but after Boston fans got all high and mighty are started to root for them. It felt dirty at first. But it feels oh so good when the Red Sox lose.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Supermike is banned.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
i’m like the terminator guy or something in that i keep coming back. or the energizer bunny. or herpes.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Ha just read simmons gay article where, oddly enough, he stereotypically said he wants to hang himself with a welkah jersey AND drank scoth and smoked a marb light. what a fag. I just couldn’t be happier. Of course, he just couldn’t help himself and wrote a paragraph about pollards play being cheap. maybe he can go suck bradys balls to help him feel better if he isn’t doing that already. sorry i had to comment here about that, ever since ksk took off, simmons disabled his comments so i cant call him a raging boston fag muncher to his email face
September 9th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Or a massive, massive attention whore.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Dee-ah Rawjah Fackin’ Goddell
Well done.
Upyoursupshaw.JPG. Nice.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
(puts entire tin of Kodiak in top lip and entire tin of Skoal in bottom lip)
thats a lot of chew.
/has a firm grasp of the obvious
September 9th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Just curious - has Tommy ever been identified?
September 9th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
maybe we can trade Cassel for that Dahkie from Minnesoter. I heah he’s wicked good.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
I read the God post before this one and let my mind believe that Tommy was writing this letter to God. Thinking that Tommy called God a NEW YARK FAGGOT really made my day.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Gawd…what a fackin hilarious ahrticle. You fackin Raider, Cowboy and Giant fan fahgots can go stick ur cahcks in Michael Strahan’s gap tooth.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Q: Outside of the fans of every other AFC East team, the happiest person in the world today might be Bridget Moynahan. Seriously, no one thought to take away her voodoo doll after the Super Bowl?
– J. Ponton, New York
SG: I’d throw in all the Steelers — they’re the clear AFC favorites right now.
Kindly eat a mini-fridge full of dicks, Simmons.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
The Steelers? Even in mourning that dickbag has no idea what he is talking about.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Italics
Thanks BDD.
September 9th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
“rawbbed a lickah stare”? The fack is a lickah stare? We facking buy our beeah from a packie. Only fags from Cuntnetticut cahl it a lickah stare.
September 9th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Shit! Sully from Eastie got me there.
September 9th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Thank Christ that Simmons’ old man has finally weighed in on this. Now I can sleep at night.
September 9th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Speaking of Simmons, you notice that he snuck this in while comparing the 08 Pats to “Varsity Blues?”:
“…Wes Welker as Tweeder (the team’s most reliable receiver…)”
Jesus.
September 9th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
I love that Simmons compared Vince Wilfork to the lovable Billy Bob. Wilfork is as dirty as Simmons’ mouth after hanging out behind Fenway. Christ. Then comparing Brady’s hit to the one Wilfork laid on Losman’s knee. Good lord
September 10th, 2008 at 5:59 am
Tommy from Quinzee.
THANK YOU.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Drew, Can you please give Tommy his own spinoff website?
September 10th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
We need a spinoff for Marmalard too.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Lickah stare should be replaced with “packie”.
September 11th, 2008 at 8:18 am
@Poop
Simmons is a cunt, but the hits were pretty similar. If Wilfork had hit Losman like Pollard hit Brady, then that would be the one that everyone thought was dirty.
September 11th, 2008 at 9:24 am
Check out the ESPN Featured Comment:
“The entire NFL should wear a black No. 12 patch on their jerseys for the rest of this season.
- OldSchool PatriotFan”
Looks like Drew and 289 really captured the zeitgeist with this one.
September 11th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Haha
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TuA4YvH2hj8
September 11th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Ok, who here has the domain “billsimmonsisadouche” ?
September 11th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
I thought the packies were the dahkies that worked in da lickah stare?!?!?