Burned After Ruling, Or No Country For Gold’s Gym
[Hardbodies]
Ed Hochuli: Ouf.
ErrrrrrrMmmmmem.
Ahhhh
Whew. Powered through that set.
Chad: Gotta make sure to hydrate, Ed.
Hochuli: I will.
Chad: …
Hey Ed. You know anything about blackmail?
Hochuli: No.
Chad: Hmm. That’s too bad. [Checks heart rate on watch] ‘Cause I am in a real spot here.
Hochuli: Wish I could help. In a bit of hot water myself lately.
Chad: [Swigs entire bottle of Vitamin Water] Oh yeah?
Hochuli: Had a bad day at work the other day, I…
[Door flies open]
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddddaaaaaayyyyyyy!
Chad: Hey, man. I’m gonna need to see a pass.
Rivers: OH, I HAD PASSES A-FUCKIN’ PLENTY ON SUNDAY BEFORE THE INCREDIBLE HOCH OVER HERE ROYALLY BUTTFUCKED MY TEAM OF SUPER SOLDIERS! BUTTFUCKED THEM IN THE BUTTFUCKING BUTT!
FUCK!
Chad: So, wait, where’s your pass?
Rivers: The only person worse at his job than you is Jay Cutler’s barber. I’m here to have a chinwag with my buddy Whistlin’ Pete over here.
THAT OKAY WITH YOU COCKHOLSTER? HUH? WHAT? HUH? FUCK YOU!
Hochuli: Son, I don’t know what more I do in the way of contrition. I already admitted that I was in the wrong and have faced discipline from the league. Honest mistake, I mean it. My professional pride is seriously hurt.
Rivers: I see. Okay. All’s well that ends well, huh?
Hochuli: I hope so.
Rivers: WELL I HOPE TO SHOVE THAT WHISTLE UP YOUR PEEHOLE. THE ONLY THING MORE VEINED THAN YOUR BICEPS IS THE THROBBING COCK I’M GONNA STICK IN YOUR SISTER.
Hochuli: I don’t have a sister.
River: Mom?
Hochuli: Dead.
River: Look…I…F-FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!
[Rivers picks up a 25 lb. free weight and throws it at Hochuli. It floats it the air for 30 seconds and Hochuli sidesteps it when it finally reaches him]
Hochuli: I don’t think this is going to get us anywhere.
Rivers: Oh it’s gonna get you somewhere. Somewhere in the ER, Cutlerfucker!
Get him, my tiny Darren!
[Dog door flies open]
Darren Sproles: [Charging at Ed] YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAYAYAYAYAYAYA
[Hochuli stops Sproles by pressing his hand to Sproles' forehead, holding him at arm's length while Darren flails his arms harmlessly]
Hochuli: Is this all really necessary?
Rivers: Goddamit! This isn’t over, Hercules! YOU HAVE A BLOOD DEBT! AND I PLAN TO COLLECT! There are more midget running backs where that came from! They can fit under your bed! Don’t sleep, zebra. The jungle is fiercest at night!
[Runs out of gym, yells at someone spotting a lifter]
September 16th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
“The jungle is fiercest at night!”
Yes it is.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Well that’s not as good as Santonio Holmes and Chris Cooley playing a game of ’show me’…but the dog door line was magnificent.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
“There are more midget running backs where that came from! They can fit under your bed! Don’t sleep, zebra. ”
Fantastic.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
They can fit under your bed!
And don’t forget the Meggetts in the trash can!
September 16th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
So was “diabetuuuusfucker” taken?
September 16th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
YOU HAVE A BLOOD DEBT! AND I PLAN TO COLLECT!
I can completely see that being said from the Marmalard face…
/score another one for the Ape
September 16th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
“Look…I…F-FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!”
the mental image of marmalard being flustered is more than enough
September 16th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
“The jungle is fiercest at night!”
I hear the freaks come out at night as well.
/had to ask somebody
September 16th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Does Ed shave his pits?
September 16th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
I guess strahan can never be a ref…
/gap’d
September 16th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
The anticipation of the door flying open is almost as good as the door actually flying open.
September 16th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
[Dog door flies open] = genius
September 16th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
“Get him, my tiny Darren!”
So, is Sproles secretly using that fucktard to unsurp Tomlinson?
September 16th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Are we to believe Rivers could throw a 25 lb weight?
September 16th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Any Generation Kill fans immediately think of Captain America when reading the Marmalard stuff and seeing that face?
September 16th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
“Get him, my tiny Darren!”?
Buttfucking classic. Fuck!
September 16th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
it’s a pity shawne merriman is out for the season…
September 16th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Jesus Christ, Ed Hochuli is frightening! I mean, I thought the guy worked out a little and just worked on sculpting the old man guns, but…FUCK, he’s huge everywhere!!!
(waiting for the inevitable “huge everywhere?” joke in 3, 2, 1….)
September 16th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Jesus Buttfucking Christ! Ape is really good at writing these.
Hercules. I’m embarrassed that never occurred to me.
September 16th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
I’m so sorry. Here, if you have a creatine shake, and I have a creatine shake, and I have a straw. There it is, that’s a straw, you see? You watching?. And my straw reaches acroooooooss the room, and starts to drink your creatine shake… I… drink… your… creatine shake!
September 16th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Well played Ape…well played
September 16th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Marmalard wouldn’t last 3 seconds going up against the Incredible Hoch! Hock smash puny assclown!
September 16th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Buttfucked in the buttfucking butt! Fuck!
September 16th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
BEST. MARMALARD. EVER.
September 16th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I <3 these Philip Rivers posts forever. This blog could be nothing but them, and I would read it all the time.
September 16th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Hochuli has a daughter, Heather.
September 16th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Cutlerfucker…rolls off the tongue. If Rivers and Cutler finally gave into there homoerotic passions and mated would the baby look like Eli?
September 16th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
i think something needs to be written about merriman in his free time.
free time = raping time
September 16th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Nice to see that photo of Hochuli lifting. I can understand where they got the outfit for his action figure now.
September 16th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I believe he prefers the name Hochules.
/this post totally made my day
September 16th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
“Goddamit! This isn’t over, Hercules! YOU HAVE A BLOOD DEBT! AND I PLAN TO COLLECT! There are more midget running backs where that came from! They can fit under your bed! Don’t sleep, zebra. The jungle is fiercest at night!”
I mean this sincerely and without a drop of sarcasm or hyperbole. This is best thing this site has ever done. Any one of those lines would have sufficed. Put them all together and jesus h christmas. well done.
September 16th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Heretofore Darren Sproles shall be referred to as “Baxter.” That is all.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
That picture, like Marmalard himself, is just breathtaking in its douchebaggery.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
@ dougery: AGREED!
September 16th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
I don’t think LT is among Marmalards’ “Super Soldiers”. He has a bad owie on his toe and can’t come out to play.
September 16th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Cowboys owner Jerry Jones wasn’t surprised that Hochuli was involved.
“That particular official gets a lot of criticism. He’s a highly criticized official in the NFL,” Jones said.
JJ = president, chairman and owner of the department of redundancy department.
September 16th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
It’s Hispanic Heritage Month? Shouldn’t Sproles line be “Andalay andalay! Arriba Arriba!” (ya know- like Speedy Gonzalez)
September 16th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
thanks for explaining the joke Derrick. much funnier now.
September 16th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
I certainly hope that come November 16th, Phillip Rivers and Ben Rongrastname have a few words before the Steelers take on the Chargers.
September 16th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
It’s a good thing Marmalard isn’t a baseball pitcher. He makes Wakefield seem like Nolan Ryan.
And yet, despite the way his passes float, Marmalard still hasn’t thrown a red zone interception in his career.
September 16th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
And yet, despite the way his passes float, Marmalard still hasn’t thrown a red zone interception in his career.
That’s because he give the ol’ Laserface and the DBs just incinerate.
September 16th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
KSK should make a shirt or two for the Hoch. Something for the ladies.
“I blew Hochuli’s whistle and survived”
September 16th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
So, Hoch’s been downgraded for this blown whistle fiasco, and yet Bill Leavy has yet to be downgraded to his rightful position of only reffing all Dolphins games? Rural Alaskan middle school games? Two homeless guys fighting over a half-eaten hamburger?
The NFL is buttfuckingly retarded.
September 16th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
“…more midget runningbacks”
At least we know Ryan Moats and Quinten Griffin found work.
September 17th, 2008 at 9:18 am
The only person worse at his job than you is Jay Cutler’s barber.
Overtly sublime. Agree, this is one of the funniest written here.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Why does laser light shoot out of Hochule’s right asscheek?
September 17th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Bwahhahahahaha! Fucking brilliant! This deserves a KSK chant!
KSK! KSK! KSK! KSK! KSK! Can I get a second?