Welcome back, one and all, to the third season of Always Be Covering. There’s a full slate of action set for Week 1, so let’s get in there and eat some store-bought crumbcake.

Did I say always be covering? Because I meant, “pass the fucking ball!”

Quote of the Week: You got leads. Mitch & Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them. You can’t close the leads you’re given, you can’t close shit, you are shit, hit the bricks pal, and beat it, ’cause you are going out.

It’s the first week of the season, which means no Glengarry leads for you, fuckos. These leads may be shit, but the fact of the matter is that we’re going into the season blinder than Drew’s first sexual conquest. Can Shawne Merriman walk? Is a healthy St. Louis any good? Nobody fucking knows, and if they do, they’re full of more shit than Berman the morning after Red Lobster’s Shrimp Fest. So what better way to start the season than with a full spread of feeler bets?

On to the picks (before I start thinking about last night again and cutting myself some more)!

We’re keeping things simple this week, with small ($11) bets on all of the 11 games taking place on Sunday afternoon. Favorites are in bold.

Arizona -2.5 at San Francisco

I’m comfortable with Warner over JT O’Suckmyballs.

San Diego -9 vs. Carolina

Jake Delhomme without Steve Smith is like gay sex without lube.

Cleveland +6 vs. Dallas

Because FUCK DALLAS, that’s why. This should actually be a really good game.

St. Louis +7.5 at Philadelphia

The Rams are back, baby! Well not really, but that’s too many points.

Tampa Bay +3.5 at New Orleans

Sure, returning home after a hurricane worked out pretty well last time, but that might have had something to do with playing the Falcons.

Seattle +1 at Buffalo

Nate Burleson, Julius Jones, and TJ Duckett? I can’t lose!

Detroit -3 at Atlanta

Yep, it’s a suck-off.

Jacksonville -3 at Tennessee

Matt Jones seems really excited for this one.

Pittsburgh -6.5 vs. Houston

Yeah yeah, the Texans are improved blah blah. Fuck you, and the horse you sodomized.

Miami +3 vs. New York Jets

Let the Brett Favre Misery Tour commence!

Cincinnati -2 at Baltimore

Joe Flacco, get ready to be gambled against every fucking week that I’m breathing.


Oh, and as for last night’s game? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Even if I did see it coming, it still hit me like a truck. God damn Zorn, what the fuck kind of game management is that? If the passing game isn’t coming along as quickly as you’d expected (shocker) just give the fucking ball to Clinton and pound the shit out of those bitches.

Oh, and thanks to Lt. Winslow for giving us the first (craptastic) glimpse of Washington’s bright spot knocking the shit out of Mathias Kiwanuka.

UPDATE! Check out the new video…while it lasts.

Now I have to get back to headbutting the nearest wall.

UPDATE: Just because…