Always Be Covering: The Week One Crapshoot
Welcome back, one and all, to the third season of Always Be Covering. There’s a full slate of action set for Week 1, so let’s get in there and eat some store-bought crumbcake.
Did I say always be covering? Because I meant, “pass the fucking ball!”
Quote of the Week: You got leads. Mitch & Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them. You can’t close the leads you’re given, you can’t close shit, you are shit, hit the bricks pal, and beat it, ’cause you are going out.
It’s the first week of the season, which means no Glengarry leads for you, fuckos. These leads may be shit, but the fact of the matter is that we’re going into the season blinder than Drew’s first sexual conquest. Can Shawne Merriman walk? Is a healthy St. Louis any good? Nobody fucking knows, and if they do, they’re full of more shit than Berman the morning after Red Lobster’s Shrimp Fest. So what better way to start the season than with a full spread of feeler bets?
On to the picks (before I start thinking about last night again and cutting myself some more)!
We’re keeping things simple this week, with small ($11) bets on all of the 11 games taking place on Sunday afternoon. Favorites are in bold.
Arizona -2.5 at San Francisco
I’m comfortable with Warner over JT O’Suckmyballs.
San Diego -9 vs. Carolina
Jake Delhomme without Steve Smith is like gay sex without lube.
Cleveland +6 vs. Dallas
Because FUCK DALLAS, that’s why. This should actually be a really good game.
St. Louis +7.5 at Philadelphia
The Rams are back, baby! Well not really, but that’s too many points.
Tampa Bay +3.5 at New Orleans
Sure, returning home after a hurricane worked out pretty well last time, but that might have had something to do with playing the Falcons.
Seattle +1 at Buffalo
Nate Burleson, Julius Jones, and TJ Duckett? I can’t lose!
Detroit -3 at Atlanta
Yep, it’s a suck-off.
Jacksonville -3 at Tennessee
Matt Jones seems really excited for this one.
Pittsburgh -6.5 vs. Houston
Yeah yeah, the Texans are improved blah blah. Fuck you, and the horse you sodomized.
Miami +3 vs. New York Jets
Let the Brett Favre Misery Tour commence!
Cincinnati -2 at Baltimore
Joe Flacco, get ready to be gambled against every fucking week that I’m breathing.
————————————————————————————-
Oh, and as for last night’s game? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Even if I did see it coming, it still hit me like a truck. God damn Zorn, what the fuck kind of game management is that? If the passing game isn’t coming along as quickly as you’d expected (shocker) just give the fucking ball to Clinton and pound the shit out of those bitches.
Oh, and thanks to Lt. Winslow for giving us the first (craptastic) glimpse of Washington’s bright spot knocking the shit out of Mathias Kiwanuka.
UPDATE! Check out the new video…while it lasts.
Now I have to get back to headbutting the nearest wall.
UPDATE: Just because…
Tags: Always Be Covering, Gambling, Homerism, Horrible YouTube Videos, sexy friday, Unsilent Majority
September 5th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Sorry to see you got Zornholed, UM. My condolences.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:32 am
“Joe Flacco, get ready to be gambled against every fucking week that I’m breathing.”
Smarter words have never been typed.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:43 am
“Jake Delhomme without Steve Smith is like gay sex without lube.”
It amazes me whenever I see the great lengths you go for your research.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:46 am
That was a fuckin cheap shot. You’re proud of that?
I guess if I was a fan of that pathetic excuse for a team I’d be grasping at straws too.
Honestly, who doesn’t even HAVE a no-huddle offense? That’s like something I would pull if I were an NFL head coach, which is why I work for a non-profit and live in Queens.
Fuck me.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:46 am
i feel like a sack of crushed assholes and i hate the nfc east.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Did Washington even practice any offensive plays during the preseason, or was it just six weeks of quilting, intrasquad Xbox tournaments, and circle-jerk-on-the-Archway-raspberry-cookie contests? Seriously.
September 5th, 2008 at 11:51 am
Should’ve practiced dodgeball more.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
There’s 13 games on Sunday Maj.
NE-15.5 vs. KC
Indy-9.5 vs. Chicago
A NE/Indy teaser is my five star lock of the week, since teasers always win
September 5th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Some thoughts.
- Pass the damn ball! For the love of God, pass the ball!
- Kiwanuka got stoned. Not nearly as well as LaRon Landry though.
- Any chance Moishe can play defensive end?
- Are the Patriots going “We got f’d in the a by Peyton Manning’s retarded younger brother” and cutting themselves?
- I’m not even sure that Hurricane Ditka could beat the Colts this weekend. Although, I’d probably take the under.
- I continue to be underwhelmed by John McCain. He’s like the Detroit Lions of politics.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Too bad some of these teams can’t play Coastal Carolina in the first week.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Danny, the line on New England’s game was off the board last night.
Oh, and the Indy Chicago game is Sunday night, I just did the day games.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Dear Washington Fans,
Enjoy the next two years of your team “growing in to” the west coast offense. Welcome to predictable play calling and 4 yard dumps on 3rd and 7. See Minnesota Vikings 2005-2007.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
1) Really? That was the best video you could get?
2) Joe Flacco will dominate, you wait and see
3) lots of dogs there, if you go 6-7 it will be a miracle
September 5th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Hear, hear, TDub.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Just Joe…
1) Yeah, the NFL tends to not like it when you use their video.
2) I’ll do that.
3) Underdogs cover the spread about half the time. That’s kind of the point of point spreads.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
I continue to be underwhelmed by John McCain. He’s like the Detroit Lions of politics
yeah, but this time he finally drafted his calvin johnson
September 5th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I’m not sure which was more amusing: Overrated Chris Cooley doing absolutely nothing, or the Christian Slater schizophrenic spy series commercials.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
I vote for the Seinfeld-Gates commercial
September 5th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
2) Joe Flacco will dominate, you wait and see
This, alone, made it worth clicking here. Totally. It’s like finding a kruggerand in a cracker jack box.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I was throwing a football around today with a friend, because I had to make sure that a pass longer than 8 yards was still physically possible.
WTF Zorn.
September 5th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Um, screw the game. Where’d you get the photo?
September 5th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
through the majesty of the internet
September 5th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
#2: Joe Flacco will defecate, you wait and see
September 5th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Put that coffee down Zorn…coffee is for closers.
September 5th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
I think I’d take Arizona -22.5
And for at least the next few weeks, any team playing the 49ers is my stone cold lock of the week
September 5th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I love how the replay of Portis’s block shows how much room Jason Campbell has to scramble to his left. And he doesn’t even look there–he’s just staring down his receiver. He’s aware he isn’t at Auburn anymore, right?
Oh, and the person I feel worst for is Chris Cooley. I hope he wasn’t starting Campbell on his fantasy team this week.
September 5th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
What’s the over/under on Redskins wins this season? I’m going all in on them going 3-13 this season. And that might be generous given the offensive genius that is the Zorn Star.
Betting on the Browns to beat the Cowboys is a homer pick because you’re still upset. Here, take this Kleenex and reevaluate your bet.
September 5th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
2) Joe Flacco will dominate, you wait and see
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
September 5th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Wait, John McCain drafted a VP with chronic back problems but with otherwise tremendous potential?
September 5th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
To think I was stoked I drafted Clinton… looks like another coach ignoring his best talent to implement his [shit] philosophy. Pencil that league toast…
September 5th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Don’t worry DeeJ. They’ll start pounding away with Clinton sooner rather than later.
September 5th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Oh, and Jackin’, it’s a point spread, I didn’t pick Cleveland to win outright.
September 5th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
“And thanks to Clinton Portis’s last minute heroics, the final score is Redskins 7, Giants 16!”
September 5th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
“Jake Delhomme without Steve Smith is like gay sex without lube.”
Try to explain to your coworkers why you’re chocking to death in your office.
+1
September 5th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
I’m so hungover, I forgot about the Gates Seinfeld commercial. That was some weird shit. Written by an acidhead? Methhead? Mental Patient? Post modernist? Dumbass?
September 5th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
See Maj I knew you could get a better video!
September 5th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
@Maj: True, but even taking them with points is like a slap in the face. It’s the Browns for crissakes!!!
/need to finish work to get weekend started
September 5th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
“Um, screw the game. Where’d you get the photo?”
Seconded.
September 5th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
What’s lost in the Portis clip is that on 3rd and 5, Campbell completes one for 3 yards. If Portis doesn’t spend 10 minutes staring down at Kiwi, he was probably open for 10+ yard catch and run.
September 5th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
It’s the Browns for crissakes!!!
They went 12-4 ATS last year. Oh, and Dallas was 0-4 ATS in their last four games last year.
September 5th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Dammit, for some reason I keep staring at that photo thinking she will actually throw the fucking ball.
It’s like watching Jason Campbell in live video… only much less perfectly tan lined boobs.
September 5th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
The ONLY highlight last night was that Gates/Seinfeld commercial. I haven’t had a WTF feeling like that since the last time I read about Peter King’s brother or Ocho and Marvin arguing the physics of bacon.
September 5th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Seriously, where did that photo come from? In particular, who is the girl on the right?
September 5th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
http://handbrahotties.blogspot.com/2007/12/two-girls-on-beach.html
September 5th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
Actually, I would say that McCain appears to have drafted the Akili Smith of politics.
September 5th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
My friend (Niners fan) actually named his fantasy team JT O’Shitwesuck.
But O’Suckmyballs works just as well.