Always Be Covering: The Perfect Handful of Week 2 Parlays
Thank God it’s Week 2, because last week was pretty fucking brutal. Even my real bets got the shit kicked out of them at the last possible minute (Rosario Dawson is a bitch). This week we must go on the offensive with reckless abandon. Remember, sensible gambling will get you nowhere, so don’t be such a god damn pussy. If we’re going to lose, we’re going to lose big, motherfucker!
Quote of the Week: “The more you know, the more you know you don’t know.”
On to the picks!
Kansas City -3.5 vs. Oakland
Laying 3.5 points on a Herm Edwards coached team minus their quarterback makes me want to punch myself in the nuts, but hey, it’s the Raiders! They’re fucked in every way imaginable. I’m talking DVDA fucked over here.
Pittsburgh-6.5 vs. Cleveland
From now on I’m committed to betting on Cleveland only when the play shitty teams. Besides, everybody keeps telling me how the Steelers are the new favorites in the AFC. For some reason this really pisses off Christmas Ape. Hey, did you hear that the Steelers are totally going to win the AFC? Fuck, they might go undefeated!
Kansas City -3.5 vs. Oakland
OK, this time I really did punch myself in the nuts, but still, it’s Oakland! I don’t see how this could go wrong. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
Indianapolis -2.5 vs. Minnesota
I learned my lesson, so you won’t see me betting on any team quarterbacked by Tarvaris Jackson in the near future. Of course this just means that PJ will flatten Bob Sanders and co. on his way to a 300 yard day while Fetushead tries to remember how to run an effective offense.
Green Bay -3 vs. Detroit
As good as Detroit’s run defense looked last week, I’m going to have to go with the Pack this time. Sure, call me crazy, but I have a hunch on this one! Seriously though, betting on the Lions is like paying to fuck a chick with AIDS.
New York Giants -9 at St. Louis
I don’t care where they play, anytime I see a potential playoff team laying less than 10 against the Rams I’m going to jump on it like a fat man on a trampoline.
Tennessee +7 vs. Cincinnati
Oh Kerry Collins, you are by far my favorite drunk racist quarterback.
Washington +7 vs. New Orleans
Ahhhhhh, fuck it!
Tags: Ah fuck it, Always Be Covering, Gambling, Homerism, sexy friday, Unsilent Majority
September 12th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
You think she might be down for a little DVDA?
September 12th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Yes. To the pic. She looks smart.
September 12th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Quit jinxing us, asshole!
September 12th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Did you pass out dead drunk before the Skins game last week?
September 12th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Did you pass out dead drunk before the Skins game last week?
Hence the “Ah fuck it” attitude.
But to be fair, they only lost by nine last week against the defending champs on the road without their best cornerback. At home against a team missing their best wide receiver with a healthy defensive backfield they ought to be able to keep things relatively close.
September 12th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
That girl can always keep me covered.
September 12th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
You see, chrisbessmervin, requesting DVDA of said chick is much like the parlay bets pictured here. By combining several “bets” into one, the odds of loss (i.e. her punching you in the dick and walking away) are much higher; however, the potential payoff (i.e. her acquiescing) is much higher.
September 12th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
The sad part is that I’ve seen nude pictures of that chick, and that’s the most enthusiasm I’ve ever seen her give off.
September 12th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
That might be the sexiest thing you’ve ever said FutureMrs.
September 12th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
That girl doesn’t have a $5 French manicure? I thought girls like that were born with one.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Why don’t you twist the knife and say the Steelers could go undefeated this season with weaker than normal NE, Indy and Jax teams to contend with. This way they can go 18-0 and lose to the 10-6 Saints in the SB.
Go ahead. You know you want to say it, just say it. Say it!
September 12th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Drew spent his advance $ on a trampoline and an above-ground pool?
September 12th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
FMRA: what part of the “payoff” is good in the DVDA scenario? Not only am I (yeah, cause orgies are in my past, present, or future) supposed to be tumescent in front of three other dudes, but I’m rubbing up against one of these dudes during said “payoff?” F that.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Yeah, nothing is worse than DVDA
September 12th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
@Futuremrs – You really put a lot more thought into that than I had intended.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Dude. If you’re asking ME to comprehend why guys are into the things they’re into… honestly, I have no fucking idea, and I think I’m happier not knowing.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
(to Slothrop, natch)
September 12th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Is it too much to ask that you include links to original source, or names of the chicks in posts like this? My wife is out of town, and I’d spend much less time pre-masturbating if you did. My penis and I thank you in advance.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
FMRA: that is why they invented Freud.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
You posted fatty getting on the trampoline, but forgot to link to the sequel.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I bet on the Lions last week but luckily I’ve been eating canned peaches, thanks to the advice of Terry Bradshaw, so I am Aids free.
Best Sexy Friday Ever
September 12th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
http://www.fuckingmotherfucker.com/fucking-mother-fucker-blog/xoxo-leah-taking-off-a-football-jersey/
September 12th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Oh, NSFW on that one, in case the url didn’t tip you off
September 12th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Simmons: (One thing I forgot to mention in the All-Brady Mailbag: The startling similarities between Brady’s injury and Madden 96 when you could intentionally injure quarterbacks after the whistle and hear their knee crack as Pat Summerall said, “Uh-oh, there’s a man down.”)
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
September 12th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Favorite thing about new 57inch HD: PIP – Porn and football at the same time? and i can see EVERYTHING….
September 12th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
I am glad UM, you mentioned that last bit.
Let’s see, on my docket: Syracuse will be immolated by JoPa’s nasty boys.
Miami…Arizona…crap, they won’t know who should fuck up worse. Super swell game I am sure. I bet the Sparano leaps and bounds forward. NOT.
September 12th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Wow. God bless you Maj for the quick response. Let’s see what other magic you can pull off…
Is it too much to ask that you encourage the Lions to fire Matt Millen? I’m a Lions fan, and I’d spend much less time organizing lynch mobs if you did. My criminal record and I thank you in advance.
September 12th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Does this count as sexy friday?
Aaaaaaand I’m spent…
September 12th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
The Panthers are a great bet, I have no faith in Orton.
September 12th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Sexy Friday is an all day affair.
September 12th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Football, porn and gambling!
/starts singing “Proud to be an American” by Lee Greenwood
September 12th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
KSK you know my type. Thanks UM. Oh, and betting is awesome too.
September 12th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
The Lions will shock the football world by holding the GB Rbs under 200 yards. Jemarcus Russell sucks!
September 12th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
There was something about gambling and football in this post. I must have been thinking about something else as I was scrolling down.
/wonders why down arrow on keyboard is sticky now
September 12th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Is Drew dead?
September 12th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Why do you ask?
September 12th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
@UU: football, porn, gambling…and talking about said subjects on the internets! Complete with sticky keyboards and descriptions of such! Yep, this isn’t gay at all.
September 12th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Uh, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
September 12th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Gambling and porn? KSK has helped my up my productivity today.
September 12th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
You avoided picking the bears game again this week I see.