Hey brah, I’m not wearin’ a bra, brah!

Welcome to another week of Always Be Covering, the blogosphere’s premier source for retarded gambling advice. While the bets we make won’t always play out the way we envision, it certainly does make things interesting to see them blow up every week (I really did bet on that Thigpen guy…twice). What’s the alternative, dumping all of your money into one of those fancy financial stocks? That’s all well and good, but then every Sunday all you get to do is cheer for all the teams to play well. You pathetic piece of shit. Just sack up and make some foolhardy wagers based upon those of a blogger under the influence of various substances.

On to the picks!


The “Because Not All of These Home Favorites Are Going to Cover” Road Dog Singles of the Week

Pittsburgh +3.5 at Philadelphia
Donovan McNabb, Brian Westbrook, and Andy Reid’s annual attempt to suck me in before draining my Bodog account have snagged me in the past, but this year I’m not letting them fuck me like that. Besides, the Steelers are easily one of the five greatest teams in NFL history and it makes Ape turn all red when you talk about it. I don’t see what the big deal is, then again I don’t believe in jinxes. In fact, I fucking love it when people talk up my favorite teams.

What’s that? Jason Campbell has all the tools to win the NFC and Gilbert Arenas is going to average 35 a game in the second half of the season before leading the Wizards to a playoff win over the Cavs? Please elaborate!

Cleveland +2.5 at Baltimore
Let’s all welcome Joe Flacco back into our lives and wait for the inevitable failure to shine through. Although I’m sure having an unscheduled bye in the second week of the season will do wonders for Baltimore’s rhythm. Who am I kidding? Derek Anderson’s just gonna screw me again (I do however believe in the reverse jinx, because that’s just science).

Carolina +3.5 at Minnesota
Did you hear that Adrian Peterson didn’t practice and might not play this week? Did you hear that Gus Frerotte is playing quarterback and his only receivers that don’t totally suck will be playing hurt, if at all? Did you hear that Steve Smith has been sitting around for two weeks waiting to make Antoine Winfield squeal the way Steve Smith’s bitch outta squeal? I forgot where I was going with all of this.

The “I’m never betting on Detroit again” Parlay of the Week…

San Francisco -4 vs. Detroit
The Lions can’t cover for shit. I’m so confident in this concept that I’m putting money on those crappy, you’re not fooling anybody, Niners. The last time I put money on them Alex Smith was getting blowjobs from rebellious Mormon cockfiends.

Jacksonville +5.5 at Indianapolis
No Bob Sanders? Here’s all of my money.

The Single Game Parlay of the Week…

Denver and New Orleans OVER 51
The largest number of the week, and rightfully so. Both teams have been gone over their number in the first two weeks of the season, and both teams are going to throw the shit out of the ball.

Denver -6 vs. New Orleans
The Saints will get back a few of the defenders they were missing last week in Washington, and not a moment too soon. But if they’re counting on the Scott Fujita’s and Randall Gay’s of the world to go from a team that gave up 455 yards to Jim Zorn to a team that can shut down the Broncos then they’ve been sipping on some GHB Hurricanes (or as they’re known during Mardi Gras, Hurricanes). Brandon Marshall is going to beat up on them like they were his former domestic partner. Uhh…the moratorium on domestic violence jokes is still six months, right? RIGHT?!

So uh…yeah. Hey, here’s a picture!

It’s relevant because Shockey plays for the Saints. Also, he’s a girl with low self-esteem who will get naked for money.

SEXY UPDATE!