I hope you assholes know how lucky you are. While you’re sitting there enjoying this sexy Friday I’m conducting inventory in a 100,000 square foot warehouse from the crack of dawn until I bludgeon myself to death with a clipboard.
Oh, and if you’re not into Bengal fans sporting fake grills or Eagle fans flexing/buffalo stancing/attempting to fart continue after the jump for additional sexiness.
Anyway, on to the picks!
Denver -1.5 at Kansas City
I fucking hate it when these teams play each other. I loathe both of them as much as any other non-NFC East and non-Baltimore based team, and whichever way I pick it’s invariably wrong. But this time is different! That’s because this time I’m teasing the outcome, and everyone knows that teasers never lose! Except of course for when they do, which is often, if not always.
Carolina -.5 vs. Atlanta
Listen you Falcon assholes, I’m not buying this shit for one god damn minute. I don’t give a fuck if you lead the league in rushing, you played the crap ass Lions and Chiefs so none of that means dick. I hope Julius Peppers breaks Matt Ryan in half.
Arizona +1 at New York Jets
Okay, the whole “bet against Joe Flacco at all costs” thing hasn’t gone so well in their first two games. So Brett Favre, consider yourself Flacco’s replacement until further notice. Adrian Wilson’s gonna make you piss blood. More so than usual. Seriously, get that prostate checked out. Just remember, Peter King is not a real proctologist. He’s more of a hobbyist.
Tennessee -3 vs. Minnesota
The Titans have the better defense and the less embarrassing journeyman quarterback under center. I guess the only question remaining is whether or not Andrew Siciliano will get a chance to break out another “LenDale must smell food in the endzone” joke. If we’re lucky we may even get to see Albert Haynseworth stomping on the head of Purple Jesus. Don’t worry about the blood, Drew. Just think of it as his crown of thorns.
Buffalo -8.5 at St. Louis
Trent Green could make this pick in his sleep. And by “sleep” I mean coma. And by “make this pick” I mean lay there drooling. Don’t try to make sense of it folks, there’s none to be found.
Washington +11 at Dallas
Why? Because Dallas Sucks, that’s why, shitstain!
Video from Chris at Mister Irrelevant (via that adorable Bulldog we call Littles) who asks that you not criticize his post seeing as how he wrote it at nearly 11 pm. That guy is really burning the midnight oil down in North Carolina.
Images via Uncoached
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Mo Dred, don’t you get fresh with me.
Wow. Did you say “buffalo stance”? Someone is obviously just a few years short of going to the running back retiring home. Grab some Just For Men—your gray is showing!
Anyway, I’m just gonna tell you that the line on black coaches/black quarterbacks is even money this week.
on the foreskins/boys game: it’ll be tight…they always are but in the end Foreskins will get Zorned! Nuff said!
Yeah, but at least neither of them will miss out on the rest of the season because of a horse collar
I would like the Redskins ATS more if Roy Williams was not officially listed as out… this means that Cooley/Moss will NOT be able to combine for almost 250yds of offense and 4/5 TDs.
jeru- well if i recall correctly, the last time Jason Campbell faced the Cowboys (in Dallas) he threw for over 340 yards and the Skins covered. Oh, and he has a qb rating of over 100 so far this season.
BF3125- now i have to castrate myself. THANKS!
Denver -1.5 at Kansas City
Yeah, this isn’t exactly rocket science.
@ senor mullet
Yeah, I notice that now. It looked like a 2 when I first saw it. Woe is me.
/emo Eagle
i can see why you’d pick the skins…i mean jason campbell is such a dynamic QB and all. And that skins defense…whew…dallas wont know what hit em huh boys??!!
Anyfuckingway, the Panthers should be slightly concerned with Michael Turner this sunday
As much as I hate to call myself out as a Sex and the City Fan (I’m a woman, so I guess it’s marginally allowed), that photo caption under the sushi girl came outta Samatha’s mouth on one episode…
Or it was “I’d let him amuse my bouche,” but same difference.
@j4b
Uh, I think that is the joke.
hey, um: whatever happened to the word “fake”? why is everybody in love with the stupid, pretentious, self-aggrandizing and, worst of all, french, word faux? we live in america, goddammit, and if something ain’t real – such as the cowboys’ pretensions to being in the super bowl this year (or any year while double j owns the team) – then the fucking thing is FAKE!
if you couldn’t tell, this fella’s friday needs way more sexy.
that shirt could also double as a great cum towel.
SMK, good call on Showdown, an unapreciated classic, but I will have to disagree on the “best topless decapitation” which of course goes to the Connery/Snipes Rising Sun.
@ tyler durden,
tawmmy stopped caring about the pats after they got torched by the dolphins, like every other pats fan. and anyways, hes too busy watching the sawx to care about football
The Panthers crappy rush defense has me worried against the Falcons.
Wow, “Sexy Friday” has REALLY gone downhill with these two.
Tommy from Quinzee has been absent for a week (plus) and we get these two, ahem, charmers, who I suppose you could drink pretty.
Jes saying.
jackin4beats: Friday night on 125th Street? Your only worry would be getting crushed by the busloads of tourists from Utah taking a “true Harlem experience” tour.
Much scarier than that is my picks matching all of these.
@ westbrook: im pretty sure thats a 5, not a 2
Also, chicks in jerseys are just generally hot…unless its a Dallas jersey…nevermind, Im down with hatesex.
The Viking’s left tackle is hurt. That makes Kyle Vanden Bosch smire.
Because Im a Philly homer, I just want to say that you can put just about any woman in an Eagles jersey and it will give me some serious bonage. Im talking harder than calculus bonage.
There’s nothing scarier than those two chicks trying to be ghetto. OK, let’s drop you off in the middle of the projects on say…125th street in Harlem at 10:00pm on a Friday night. Let’s see if the faux ghetto shit flies then…or if you can escape alive.
Check this out.
A white chick wearing an Akers jersey? No, get out of here, seriously. The only thing more surprising is that it’s a younger chick and not some soccer mom who just wants a white person’s jersey to wear. Philly’s inherent racism doesn’t rival Boston’s because we actually have black people who live here.
/self-hating white speak
No fucking way am I betting on that STL-BUF game. That is a fuck-you-in-the-ass game if I ever saw one. On the otherhand, if Marmalard, Vincent Jackson, and Chris Fucking Chambers can destroy the Jets defense, imagine what Boldin & Fitzgerald are going to do this week?
I like the Tennessee pick.
Also, the best “sushi on naked chicks” scene can be found in the Dolph Lundgren/Brandon Lee classic Showdown in Little Tokyo. It also contains the best “decapitation of a topless model” and “overly homoerotic buddy-movie conversation” scenes to boot.
First, thanks for the NSFW warning before the jump…
Second, your irreverance toward the purple jesus will come back to haunt you.
Hobbyist? I prefer dillettante.
This is one sexy Friday alright.
That just might be the sexiest wake I’ve ever seen.
@smurphette
Made me look.
Whats gonna happen in the Cincy Cleveland game?
Why are there little leaves covering that girl’s top two boobs, but not the ones underneath?
I too blog while hungry and horny. I’m glad to see I’m not the only one.
If you knew sushi like I knew sushi………
I may lose my chick card for this, but some bitches should just be naked and shut up. And many should never be naked but still, shut up. If you need a chart or something, I could probably make one up pretty quickly.
A hat that says “Dallas sucks”? What really distinguishes the uber football fan, I think, is how creative and articulate they are.
“Peter King is not a real proctologist. He’s more of a hobbyist.”
And he also prefers the no-hands inspection technique
/mental image makes me ill
I like Philly -2.5, also a fan of the Arizona pick