Football! Grrrrrrrrrr.

I hope you assholes know how lucky you are. While you’re sitting there enjoying this sexy Friday I’m conducting inventory in a 100,000 square foot warehouse from the crack of dawn until I bludgeon myself to death with a clipboard.

Oh, and if you’re not into Bengal fans sporting fake grills or Eagle fans flexing/buffalo stancing/attempting to fart continue after the jump for additional sexiness.

Anyway, on to the picks!

The Early Game Teaser: An Amuse Bouche

I’d amuse her bouche.

Denver -1.5 at Kansas City
I fucking hate it when these teams play each other. I loathe both of them as much as any other non-NFC East and non-Baltimore based team, and whichever way I pick it’s invariably wrong. But this time is different! That’s because this time I’m teasing the outcome, and everyone knows that teasers never lose! Except of course for when they do, which is often, if not always.

Carolina -.5 vs. Atlanta
Listen you Falcon assholes, I’m not buying this shit for one god damn minute. I don’t give a fuck if you lead the league in rushing, you played the crap ass Lions and Chiefs so none of that means dick. I hope Julius Peppers breaks Matt Ryan in half.

The Early Game Singles: A Selection of Small Plates

Arizona +1 at New York Jets
Okay, the whole “bet against Joe Flacco at all costs” thing hasn’t gone so well in their first two games. So Brett Favre, consider yourself Flacco’s replacement until further notice. Adrian Wilson’s gonna make you piss blood. More so than usual. Seriously, get that prostate checked out. Just remember, Peter King is not a real proctologist. He’s more of a hobbyist.

Tennessee -3 vs. Minnesota
The Titans have the better defense and the less embarrassing journeyman quarterback under center. I guess the only question remaining is whether or not Andrew Siciliano will get a chance to break out another “LenDale must smell food in the endzone” joke. If we’re lucky we may even get to see Albert Haynseworth stomping on the head of Purple Jesus. Don’t worry about the blood, Drew. Just think of it as his crown of thorns.

The Late Game Parlay: The Main Course

Buffalo -8.5 at St. Louis
Trent Green could make this pick in his sleep. And by “sleep” I mean coma. And by “make this pick” I mean lay there drooling. Don’t try to make sense of it folks, there’s none to be found.

Washington +11 at Dallas
Why? Because Dallas Sucks, that’s why, shitstain!

Video from Chris at Mister Irrelevant (via that adorable Bulldog we call Littles) who asks that you not criticize his post seeing as how he wrote it at nearly 11 pm. That guy is really burning the midnight oil down in North Carolina.

Images via Uncoached